[FiveFive5]

Hi April,

I have been seeing a man for about 6 months who I met through one of my friends. I had been single for a long time before meeting him and was ready for a relationship. I am 28 and he is 36. We met last Fall and did some platonic activities together for a month or two before getting serious. The past 4 months have been great. He is busy with his job a lot but he has had me over for dinner, taken me on dates, got me a birthday cake, met my family and friends, etc. We became officially boyfriend and girlfriend a few months ago. I was so happy and thought that we were in a committed relationship. A few weeks ago I found out that he has been sleeping with someone else (who he had been seeing before me) for the entirety of our relationship. All those nights he told me he was working late or super busy he was with her at her place. I thought he loved me and he told me he did. Now I don’t know what to believe. I was super upset when I found out, and he apologized profusely. He said it was just about sex with her and that I am the one he wants to be with. He gave me a gift to try and make me feel better. Am I crazy for wanting to take him back? Or should I ditch him and move on? I thought that what we had was real but then I go back to thinking about what he did. If it was truly real, why would he be sleeping with someone else the entire time? It wasn’t just a one-time mistake, this went on for months and he made the choice to keep it hidden until I found out on my own. Who knows how long this would have gone on for??? Can trust be built back up after something like this? I need some advice on what to do here. My heart wants him back but my brain is telling me to ditch this loser and find someone who will respect me.

Thanks for your insight.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he’s mislead you into believing there was more of a commitment than there was, when he had no intention of being monogamous, that’s a lot different than if he just didn’t think the two of you were that serious and he might have assumed you were playing the field as well. Some people assume a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, and if that was his stance, then it’s a misunderstanding. But if he didn’t tell you about the other woman because he wanted to keep her in his life and knew that if you found out, it would be over between the two of you, that’s a character issue, not miscommunication. 😕 If that’s what’s going on, because it’s so early in the relationship, you might have just learned something about his interest in being honest, and that should be a deal breaker.

I hope that helps.

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[FiveFive5]

Thanks for your response, April. There was no question that we were officially together in a monogamous relationship. It was not a situation where we were just dating. There was no confusion on his part, he just could not help himself. I guess he did still want this girl in his life in some fashion. She did not know about me either so he was leading her on. He says he didn’t know how to break it off with her because she kept inviting him over and he didn’t know what to say. He was with her when he met me, so it’s not like we were together for a long time and then he had a temporary lapse in judgement. He was doing this for months. I think you are right when you say this is a character issue. I want to be able to trust him again but I am struggling with that, because this has been a lie from the beginning. He really wants to fix things and it is so tempting to just go back to the way we were (without her in his picture of course). Do men who start out cheating often cheat again? I don’t want my heart to be broken twice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your clarity is a big gift — if you accept it. 😉 This isn’t someone who is honest, and his excuse that “she kept inviting him over,” so he never broke up with her, is very weak. This isn’t your Mr. Right. If you stay with him, you’re going to always have this nagging feeling that you’re not doing the right thing. And he’ll probably be dishonest with you again — if not about having sex with another woman, about something else. I think your question about cheating is academic. You’ve got a specific situation in front of you, and moving on is the right thing to do.

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