[Rrsjh]

So my partner and I have been together almost 5 years. He is step dad to my son and we have 2 girls of our own. Over the period of time we have been together he constantly runs back to his ex when things get bad and trash talks me and if she contacts him sulking about her life he always enables her by replying to everything. He always hides it and lies about it and comes up with bullshit excuses. Everytime it happens we talk it out and he promises to block her and never contact her again and blah blah blah. Over all this obviously my trust has begun to wear thin. Recently he left his phone on the bench and early in the morning up popped a Facebook message on the screen from this ex saying “hey baby what’s up”. I couldn’t stop myself and picked it up and opened the message. He has a strong history of cheating and lying. Anyways so I scrolled back to the top and read all the messages. It was message after message of him trash talking me to his ex. then I get further down and he’s telling her he cheated on me with a work mate.then it’s back to trash talking me literally for a month straight of trash talk about me.I’ve confronted him and for the first time I think he has taken me seriously but I’m still having doubts and trust issues.I’ve given him another chance but with boundaries but I just don’t know how I can ever build back that trust with him and I just don’t even know if I feel the same way I used to. There’s no defined proof either way as to whether he did cheat on me with his work mate but she said they didn’t and he says he didn’t.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re really clear on the problem, which is good: Your partner has a long-standing relationship with his ex, with whom he trash talks you. He also cheats and lies. You’ve talked to him about most of this, and although he says he’s going to try and change things, but he doesn’t. Got it.

The problem is not him, though. His behavior isn’t very pleasant or nice — but it’s consistent, and after four and a half years together, like it or not, you know who and what you’re dealing with.

It’s time for you to stop being the victim and putting yourself into this situation where you know what to expect and that you’re not going to like it. If you want someone monogamous and loyal, you’re going to have to look elsewhere — he’s not that guy. You probably already know this, but you needed me to tell you. Sometimes hearing someone else say what you know helps you to move forward.

[Sally]

Five years, three kids in the mix, and every time things get hard, he runs straight back to the one woman he swears means nothing. That alone tells you something isn’t right. And then seeing him trash-talk you for a month straight… that’s not a slip. That’s who he was choosing to be when you weren’t looking.

I know you want to believe the version of him who finally “took it seriously.” But you also saw the version who lied, hid things, and kept that door to his ex wide open. Trust doesn’t come back just because someone promises harder. It comes back when their actions change and his haven’t.

You’re not wrong for doubting. You’re not wrong for feeling different now. Honestly, the real question isn’t whether he cheated it’s whether you can live with a man who treats you this way in the shadows. And only you can answer that. But don’t ignore the part of you that’s already pulling away. It’s trying to protect you.

[Tara]

You’re choosing denial because the truth forces a decision you don’t want to make.
This man isn’t “slipping.” He is deliberately running a side relationship with his ex to regulate his emotions and prop up his ego while you do the actual work of life. You carry the kids, the house, the responsibility, the reality. He runs to her whenever things get hard because he’s weak, avoidant, and fundamentally dishonest.

Let’s stop pretending this was innocent. He didn’t just talk to his ex. He lied. He hid it. He spent a month trashing you to her. He emotionally bonded with her. He told her he cheated on you. I don’t care whether the cheating happened; men don’t invent infidelity confessions unless they’re auditioning to be wanted. That alone is a betrayal.
And don’t insult your own intelligence with the “hey baby, what’s up” message. Women don’t talk like that to men who shut doors. That tone exists because he opened it, fed it, encouraged it, and enjoyed it. Period.

You’re asking how to rebuild trust. You don’t. Trust requires consistent truth over time, and all he’s built is a documented pattern of deception, triangulation, and disrespect. Every chance you gave him trained him to believe he can always come back after humiliating you behind your back. And he’s right you’ve proven it.
You’ve also noticed something you’re trying desperately to minimize: you don’t feel the same anymore.

That’s not confusion. That’s clarity finally punching through your denial. Your body already knows what your mouth won’t say: staying means permanent suspicion, permanent anxiety, permanent self-betrayal.

He didn’t just betray you as a partner. He disrespected you as the mother of his children and the woman holding his life together. This isn’t a boundary issue. This isn’t a communication issue. This is a character issue, and he’s shown you exactly who he is.

[Member]

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