[Spartakos]

I am 21 y.o. and was in a relationship with my 18 y.o. girlfriend for a year.
Near our 1 year anniversary I felt unhappy and broke up with her. I missed her terribly, and a month later we ended up together again.

6 months later I broke up with her again. I felt the relationship weighing me down and overwhelmed by university studies. Again, I miss her. Our talks are much better now. I used to talk and she to listen, and that was unfullfilling. Now she is expressing her opinion a lot and I enjoy our talks. I got into reading articles about relationships and found many solutions I should’ve tried before breaking up, and that for some problems I was to blame.

Generally I don’t trust people or let myself be vulnerable. I now try to let myself open up to her, since she is my closest person. I read many info on rebuilding relationships, building solid foundations instead of rushing back together. She still loves me and I know that deep down she wants to be with me, but I have broken her trust and heart twice, so she is in a conflict with herself. She is guarded, cautious and skeptic regarding everything I tell her.

She was the one with all the solutions and I the one dismissing them. Now our roles seem to have changed and I find myself to be really willing to work on us. I am trying open myself because I realized that my guard only amplified the distance between us.

What should I do? How do I know I will not break up with her again if we make up? She is an amazing person and I do not want to hurt her anymore. I do not know if we can really make it work long term.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are very few guarantees in life! 😉 People break up and divorce all the time — and yes, trust is broken. But what heals a relationship that has gone through a trust issue, is time. The problem with time is that when you’re anxious about losing someone, time seems like a threat. You are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go poorly. But…. when they don’t, and over time you reconnect and rebuild the relationship, time works as a healer.

I think that what you need to do is trust that time is on your side, and to tell her everyday how you feel, and to show her with small gestures like love letters, doing errands and favors for her, and sending her little gifts and flowers. Hopefully, she will see that you realize your mistake and that you appreciate her more for having lost her once. But your best bet is to stay on track and try to let go of anxiety and focus on showing her your feelings. I hope that helps.

[Eric Morgan]

You’ve broken up twice already. First, think about whether the pressure of university is over now. If tomorrow you have another workload, will you run away again? Unless you learn stress management, you may make the same mistake again.
Ask April was right when she said that trust only comes back when time passes. When we are afraid, time seems like an enemy, but time heals the wounds.
You need to work on yourself. Vulnerability is a skill that takes time.

[Member]

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