[lilblossom]

hi guys i am new to this but would really value your imput.

i have been dating a nice guy for about 6 months, we live 500 miles apart but its just an hours plane journey so isn’t too much of a problem, he has been with a lot of woman in his wife and due to his culture and his womanising ways he has never had much time or respect for woman until me, recently i have been finding out somethings about his past that i am finding really difficult to cope with, he brought a girl from brazil (a 12 hour flight away and paid for it) to his home to stay for ten day, he had never met her before and when he got to the airport to meet her she looked nothing like her pictures, in his words she was “busted”in affect she had lied to him but he still took her home and treated her like a princess spoilling her etc for her entire stay having sex with her constantly… it turns out in reality she was a prostitute but apparently she never told him this until her stay was nearly over although as he is a lawyer i find this questionable… further more she still tries to be in contact with him and has made it clear she wants a future with him… i know i probably sound like the jealous girlfriend right now but here is my problem, i am a hardworking, successful woman, i have morals and an education that i worked hard to achieve, i am relatively attractive, i don’t lie i don’t cheat and i do my best to be a decent woman, he fights with me, up until recently he believed that my success and my nice life were a fabrication in my head, down to the point where i had to be hospitalised for a minor operation and my sister in law out of the kindness of her heart texted him to keep him informed, last night he informed me that he thought it was me texting him and i had never been in hospital at all… he has a wicked temper but so do i, he starts arguments over the silliest things he becomes very abusive and cruel and he will not relent until i am in a puddle of tears, saying the nastiest things you can imagine, from im a whore to im a peasant, im a liar and a filthy cheat, im fat and ugly and alot worse believe me.. during arguments he has had one other woman around to his appartment for dinner and taken another one out for dinner, until recently he had ego boosting messages from woman he had sex with on his phone telling him how wonderful he was, during one such argument he decided to forward them to me and i have felt worthless ever since, it is strange because i deem myself to be a strong woman and yet i forgive him every time. he is not a bad person, he has a very loving side and can be very kind and considerate, last week he asked metoo marry him and now when i mention anything to do with his past he blows up at me again and says i “ask you too marry me” or “i love you” likes its supposed to cure all. this woman from brazil lied and cheated her way into his life and he treated her like a princess, two weeks ago i called him from the airport (he had been threatening suicide two days earlier he is a man of extremes but we sorted that out he had come off his medication and had severe reaction) i told him i was a bit afraid to get on the plane and was looking for him to reassure me that things were ok and he went mental at me to the point i was hysterical crying and the airport staff could not let me through security because i was in such a state, my kind brother took my phone from me and politely told him to leave me be and took me home where my family took over, the next day we talked and he promised again he wouldn’t do it again… and i forgave again… my problem is all the other woman he has treated so well, lavished time and gifts on them, it is i who buys for him, i feel pathetic writing this, i really care for this man but i know you will tell me too walk away. last night when he told me how he couldnt offend a woman he barely knew and gave her a great holiday, i was heartbroken, i felt worthles because i never lie to him and for months he doubted every word i say and often when hes mad tells me to cancel my trip to come and see him, costing me thousands over the last 6 months… whe i was quiet last night and told him how crushed i felt, he said i ruin everything, i caused him to binge eat and i always ruin his mood, i feel like such a bitch… i really care for him and i think he does for me, ive asked him to have anger management he says hes tried it and he is fine if i don’t cross him, i feel worthless and like im walking on eggshells all the time, can someone please give me some advice, i can’t talk to my family and friends… many thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me try to help you. If you get into a ring with an angry bull, and you’re wearing red, what do you think is going to happen? The answer is that the bull is going to attack you. And how do you know this? Because you’ve learned over the years that bulls attack people wearing red.

Now, if you continue to date this man, he will behave as he always has, because he’s shown you over and over again that he likes other women and that he’s abusive to you and manipulative. If you expect otherwise for him, you really must believe in the supernatural, miracles and a heavy dose of fairy tale living. In other words, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck — don’t look for a dog because you’ve got a duck. And in your case you have a guy who is abusive and angry and manipulative and mean.

He isn’t going to change. So stop trying to make him! 😳

What can change is you because you’re the one who is so unhappy, I trust you want to feel good again, and in order to feel good, you have to change your behavior. I promise you that if you continue to do what you’re doing, you’ll just get more of the same. (I know you know this.)

You said I was going to tell you to walk away from this guy, and guess what? You’re right! I hate hearing you’re with someone who isn’t right for you and never will be. There is no working on this relationship. It’s a train wreck. Get out of the carnage before it becomes worse, and start looking for a man who is kind, and wants a monogamous, meaningful relationship — with you.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. You can also follow me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[lilblossom]

thank you, you kind of talk like my mum does, straight to the point

i know you are right, i will try my very best to walk away, in my heart i know i deserve better but im a good understanding person and i always hope he will change

we are not talking now, i walked away yesterday bu ive done it before, now im trying so hard to stay away even though the charm offensive has started but i have turned my phone off, i know eventually he will tire

i wish life were more straightforward but im guessing only i can make it that way… 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re exactly right — [b]you’re[/b] the one who can make life straightforward — or confusing. Decide that you want to be treated well and make that your goal. If you really do that, this guy won’t even be on your radar screen. “Offensive charm” only sticks if you’re desperate to be charmed. Don’t be desperate. Be sure of who you are, what you have to offer, and what kind of man you want to offer it to. Choose character over charm any day.

I hope that helps!

Hope to see you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and at this link on Facebook: [url][/url].

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