[riznun]

I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for the last 4 months. She also happens to live across the street from me as well, which is kind of how we met. She is 38 and I am 42 years old. She also has has 3 children, that are 18, 15 and 13 years old that live with her. The 18 year old is often not home because, well, she’s 18 and has gher own life. I guess my problem with our situation happens to deal with communication, something I believe is extremely important, if not the most important part of a relationship. Our relationship otherwise is fantastic. We enjoy the same things and she makes me feel wonderful when I’m with her. I would do anything for her or her children, if they ever needed me and they all know that. So, on to why I am writing you my story. She enjoys going out, either with her sister or friends and having a few drinks a couple times a week, of which I have no problem and she knows that. I have never told her that she cannot go out and do things or anything of that nature. I would never try to do that to anyone, nor have I ever told anyone in my past that they couldn’t go out and have a good time with their friends. The only thing I ever asked for her to do was check in with me towards the end of the night by text or to text me when she gets home, so I know she’s ok. This is where the problem lies, she just doesn’t do it. I will take the initiative and send her a text, usually late and say “Hey, how are you doing” and I get no response. I can do this a few times and still get nothing. I can also call and she won’t answer. When I ask her the next day why she didn’t text or answer my call, she says she didn’t get it or didn’t here her phone ring. I always get a lame excuse like, “I might not have had my phone on me” or “I might have been in the restroom” or something like that. She also gets very upset when I do ask and I tell her, “It’s just that I want to know you’re ok.” She always says she is fine and that I don’t need to worry about her. I just said it would be nice to just let me know you’re ok, as a courtesy.
She will often take off and leave and not tell anyone where she is going, including her children. For instance, this past Sunday she left and did not return home until a little after 4am in the morning. Her children came home from visiting their father on Sunday night at about 9pm. Her youngest son actually text me and said they were almost home and to say Hi and see how I what I was doing, of which I replied back to him. He also asked if he could come over and watch some tv with and I told him that if your mom says it’s ok, sure you can come over. So he text me a few minutes later and asked me if I knew where his mother was at and I said no, I hadn’t really talked to her much that day. I just figured she would have been home since her boys were due home from the dad’s. He tried to text is mom 3 times and call her once and she never responded to any of his communication. He also tried asking his sister if she knew where she was and she also had no idea. So I asked him if he had his aunt’s phone number to see if he could call her to see if his mom was with her and he said no. I offered to drive him to his aunt’s house, who lives a few miles away, to see if she was there and he said ok. Well, to say the least she wasn’t there. By this time, it’s about 10:30pm and he had still not heard from her. I even tried to text her and got nothing. She finally answered one of his phone calls around 11:30 and he asked where she was at and she said at a friends house down the street and that if he is sleeping when she gets home, that she loves him and she would talk to him in the morning. Well her son ended up staying with me till a little after 1:00am, wondering and talking and of course I felt bad because he never knew what was going on. As I mentioned, she never returned home until 4am. I asked her the next day where she was and she told me she went to her mothers and to her sisters house and was talking to her sister until that time. I also told her that her son came over and stayed with me and why didn’t she text or answer his calls and she said she feels like she doesn’t need to that. That she doesn’t need to tell them or anyone where she is at. If you remember, she told her son that she was at a friends house, not with her sister or his grandmother. This is where we fail a communication, she just feels it’s not important to let ANYONE know what she is doing.
She also has a lot of guy friends who text her and when I ask who they are, she just says they are just friends and that all. If I ask about what the text is about, she says that it’s none of my business. She has always told me that she has nothing to hide, but if I ask to see what they wrote her, she won’t show it to me or tell me what it’s about. Just two nights ago, she got a text from someone named Roger. I only know this because she was sitting next to me when her phone went off and I saw his name come up. She looked at the message and immediately put the phone back in her pocket. I asked who he was and she said that he was a friend of a guy named Dave she works with and that she and Dave were talking about a stereo system one day at work that she had trouble getting to work. She said that this Roger guy was a friend of his and that he was going to try to help her get it put together right so it would work. I said well why didn’t you just ask me to help and she said she just never thought of asking me. I let the conversation go and that was that. So, yesterday it bothered me all day who this Roger fellow was and so I asked her last night who Roger was again and she told me he is just a friend. I said was he able to help you with your stereo and she said that she hadn’t even asked him about the stereo yet and I said then what is he texting you so much for? She said it was none of my business. I said you always told me that you have nothing to hide, may I see the text and she told me no. Myself, I would have no problem showing her any text I receive from anyone, unless I was trying to be sneaky or the text contained words you wouldn’t want your partner to see. As you know, this is a committed relationship that I’m suppose to be in here. Am I wrong or should she let me know what’s really going on here? Do you think she is hiding something, not only from me, but her children as well? Please help… I do love this girl very much. She has a wonderful loving side to her that is just incredible, but she also has a mysterious side that no one can figure out. There are other situations that are similar to these as well, but they all deal with communication. Do you think I have a right to know what is going on? Thanks for your input.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have two problems here:

1. Your girlfriend has a right to her privacy, and she’s being very clear with you that she doesn’t want to text you every night when she comes home to let you know she’s okay. Take her actions seriously. She’s probably dating other men, and since you’ve only been together for four months, she’s perhaps not as committed to your relationship as you are. Decide how you want to proceed, but understand that she wants her privacy from you in terms of her whereabouts at night and her personal texts. She doesn’t owe you calls or texts or a look at her call history on her phone. Sorry.

2. Your responsibility to her children is different. She does owe her children safety and if they are scared of being home alone and call you because they can’t reach their mom then you need to take that responsibility as a neighbor, friend and their mom’s boyfriend, seriously. Get to know the kids’ dad when he drops them off. Go say hello and introduce yourself. Tell him that you don’t mind watching his kids (if you truly don’t), but that they seem concerned (pick your verb here based on your judgment of their behavior) about being home alone and not being able to reach their mom or to know where she is.

Don’t engage in any trash talk about his ex-wife if he goes there. Keep the conversation positive, productive and about the kids not being neglected or abandoned. The kids should be with their dad if their mom is missing in action, and he needs to know what’s going on in their mom’s house because they’re his kids. Keep the children’s safety a priority.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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