[confused63]

The man I have been involved with for more than 5 yrs lost his Dad last year and is now his Mom’s caretaker. She suffers with Alzheimers.

Recently i made a comment to him that I felt like i as involved with a “married man”. He looked at me with a shocked look and said to me that “in essence” i am. I guess due to the fact that he now has to care for his Mom and obligations that go along with that.

The only reason i made the comment was because anytime he comes to my house he can only stay for a little while and has to go home out of fear that something might happen with his Mom.

I understand all of this BUT it gets frustrating at times.

How I can help/support this man without becoming to needy and frustrated.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are both of you?

[confused63]

We are both in our 40’s.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend’s situation is pretty common — having to take care of an elderly parent. However, there are many ways to make a relationship with you work, while still taking good care of his mother. 😉 The real question here is, does he want that.

Since you’re in your 40s and you’ve been dating your boyfriend for five years, the concern this situation is a way for you to gauge whether or not you have a future with him, and if so, what kind. Alzheimer’s is a disease that can debilitate a person for years and even decades, so if he’s using his mother’s illness as an excuse for not committing to you, this is a good time to find out.

Decide what YOU want from this relationship and if you’re going to get it from him. If he’s always going to put his mother ahead of you, know that now, so you can make your decisions about the relationship. If he’s truly stumped on what he can do with his mom, some suggestions are in home care for part of the time, all of the time or assisted living care that can segue into full-care. If he has siblings, or she does, he may be able to get a break by rotating caregiving with his brothers and sisters.

Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease, so it’s important for you to both understand that this disease won’t get better and it will get worse. The only variable is the speed of the progression. Being a caregiver for someone with this type of disease is grueling work and takes a huge toll on people and relationships. If he’s not willing to get the help that HE needs so that his mom is well cared for and so is your relationship, this is only going to get worse. On the other hand, making these decisions are difficult for adult children because there guilt and the feeling of loss of control.

FIgure out if he’s using this disease as an excuse to keep the two of you from marrying or living together or staying together — and if he’s not, then talk to him about possible options and be patient. 😉

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[confused63]

All I know is that he moved back to his Mom’s house last year when his Dad past away and he basically is her sole caregiver.

He did recently though get a home health aide to come in during the day so he could go to work without worrying about his Mom as much.

So I wouldn’t see much of him during the day anyway. It’s the evening hours that are scarce.

I’ve gone from seeing him quite frequently to maybe once a week or maybe once every other week.

I don’t want what we have to fall apart but it’s hard. I have seen so many other relationships fall apart from similar situations.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It’s still not clear what [i]you[/i] want from the relationship. Do you want to get married? Live together? Continue dating, but more than once a week or every other week? I can tell that you don’t want the status quo as of the last year. 😳

Anyway, if you can be clear about what YOU want, it will be a lot easier to find a solution.

The good news is that your boyfriend has hired a caregiver for his mom so he can go to work. 🙂 Therefore he should be able to do the same so he can leave to go out with you, too. But if he isn’t seeing you, and he has the ability to see you by hiring this caregiver, he may have lost interest. 😳

[Member]

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