[Anonymous]

Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now and the last one and a half of that we have been 3 hours apart from each other. In the past year and a half we’ve had some struggles in our relationship but in my opinion it hasn’t been anything to big because it thinks it’s partly a result of the distance. She would disagree. Every time we fight she acts like it’s a huge deal because her parents fought a lot and she doesn’t want to fight with the person she marries, but that’s not the main reason I’m writing…

So for the past three weeks we have been fighting a lot. First we got in a fight three weeks ago about me not calling her for a couple nights. I apologized and I drove down and saw her that weekend and we ended having an awesome weekend. Then on Monday we got in a fight because I was mad because she decided she wasn’t going to come see me on the weekend because she was going to her college homecoming game. I was mad for about a day but then I got over it because she promised to come see me the next weekend. Then towards the end of the week we got in another fight because she said that it seemed like I never want to talk to her even though we’ve been talking for at least an hour every night since we got in the first fight. Then for about four or five days in a row every time we talked we argued and every time it was because she was saying I didn’t want to talk to her, I don’t appreciate her, I don’t show her that I love her enough, I don’t give enough effort for our relationship etc. She just goes on and on about basically how bad of a boyfriend I am. I know I’m not a bad boyfriend and finally two day ago I had had it and I told her that she just needed to decide what she wanted and then get back to me. I haven’t called her since that and she hasn’t called me either.

I know I love this girl and she says she loves me as well but sometimes I feel like I love her more then she loves me, though she has told me she feels the opposite. I had plans to propose sometime early next year but know I’m unsure about what I should do. This isn’t the first time we have argued about “how bad of a boyfriend” I am but this time has been the worst. The only problem that I have with our relationship is that she has so many problems with it. I am tired of having to defend myself and our relationship I think that’s why I snapped. Also, she always tries to guilt trip me after these arguments and say well now I’m going to go cry myself to sleep but she doesn’t know that I do the same sometimes, partly because I suffer from depression. I almost feel like she is trying to push me away or that she doesn’t love me anymore. I am so confused as to what to do because I don’t have friends that I feel comfortable talking about this with.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry that was so long and April I think you’re awesome I have read through some of the other post and I am definitely check out your books and suggest them to friends. Thanks!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time for you to move on. You should not propose marriage to someone you’ve been dating for three years who tells you you’re a bad boyfriend because pretty soon you’re going to be hearing how much you’re a bad husband. The arguing is, as you intuit, her way of trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. The amount of fighting and the things you’re fighting over really don’t make for a good future together. I’m very sure it’s time for you to start dating other women, and to end this relationship.

What is of concern is that you say you love her. How can you love someone who thinks you’re a bad boyfriend? Real love is the feeling that you’re a better person because of your partner. If you suffer from depression now, picture yourself after a decade of a relationship where someone chips away at your self esteem every day. You’re going to be a dribbling mess. You need to work on your own self esteem, and understand that anyone who doesn’t support your character and your true self, isn’t a true friend, a valuable romantic partner or a good spouse. They’re a deficit to you, and they will drag you down.

Think about how you want your own life to play out in the future, and who would be the most compatible woman to support that plan you have for your future. Then don’t waste time dating anyone who doesn’t fit that model you have for yourself and your future wife.

I hope that that helps. Good luck, and let me know how things go.

[Anonymous]

I had a fealing that’s what you were going to say. I have some issues of my own anyways and while it’s going to be hard for me to get over this one I think your right because I feel like she makes my life even harder. I say I love her because during the good times she’s everything I could ever ask for and I can’t imagine being without her. Thanks for the quick response and I know your right but it’s still going to be hard for me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I appreciate how hard this break up will be for you, but keep those reality glasses on your nose because when you say, “in the good times, she’s everything I could ever ask for,” remember that life isn’t all good times. There are boring times, status quo times, and tough times. You need someone who you can appreciate in all those times — not just the good times. Her belittling you is just going to tear you down, personally, over the long haul, and then even you won’t be able to handle those tough times if your self esteem’s in the garbage bin. In fact, you two haven’t even hit any really tough times, and already, she’s harping on what a bad boyfriend you are. Blech. You don’t need that in your life. No one does. 😕

So try asking for something more than what you have now. Try asking for someone who actually thinks you’re a great boyfriend, and a great person, and will be a great husband. Expand your own view of yourself, and don’t settle for anyone who sees less of you than you see for yourself.

You’ll get over this. I promise. And if you’re interested in reading my book, Date Out of Your League, which I’ve written for men who want to find and get Ms. Right, you can pick it up here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] and I think it may help you change your thinking and your life in a positive way.

Good luck, and let me know how things go! 😀

[Member]

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