[Harleyquinnx]

So i’ve been dating this guy for 10 months.

We’ve met each others friends, familys, we go on nights out, dates, and have nights in together.

Last weekend he moved to the same city as me (he lived an hours drive before that) and i’ve spent the last 2 weekends at his.
(i also have really bad anxiety and he is very understanding of it)

On saturday we where having a joke about a relationship and it suddenly got serious when he asked if thats what i wanted.

(at around 6 months in we had vaguely spoke about it before. I had said if he wasnt open to the idea of a relationship that we should end it. ever since hes spent more time with me. we aren’t very intense people and so we dont really speak about our feelings we just generally have a good time together. We have said drunken “i love yous”)

So i nervously laughed and said yeah ultimately i do want a relationship with him. I wasn’t saying it had to be then and now but cards on the table thats what i wanted. I asked how he felt about it…

He replied with he hadn’t thought about it and didn’t know thats what i wanted. Things had been so good with us and it just naturally progressed to where it is from our first date to 10 months later still going strong, that he cares about me and enjoys he gets to see me more. but he gave of the impression if we became boyfriend/girlfriend that it would change and refer to it as just a label but acknowledges we do act like a couple.

So i said i respect that fact he doesn’t know if he’s ready and needs time to think. I was okay without the labels i care about him and we have a great time together. But if this was to continue i needed to know there is noone else in the picture (i’ve told him i wasn’t interested in dating him if he is dating/messing about with anyone else. it be over for me.) or if he is loosing interest or has no intention of thinking about us becoming a relationship to just call it a day here. he hugged me and kissed me told me there hasn’t been anyone else and there isnt and he isnt loosing interest he just hadnt thought about it and we should see what happens.

At that moment i felt a embarrassed that i had suddenly spewed out all these emotions mixed with my anxiety of thinking i just balls’d everything up i said i was going to phone a taxi to go home. he stopped me told me he wanted me to stay and that i was being silly and had nothing to worry about this hadn’t ruined anything. he was sweet the rest of the night and took me home the next day even messaged me that night and changed his whatsapp photo to me and him (hes never done that) 😳

what should i do ?
i felt a bit odd in the 10 months he never thought about being more with me.. he gave the impression that a label would change us.
I feel like i’m taking a big chancee to “see what happens” but i like him alot and dont want to get caught up thinking the label is more important then what we actually have.
Should i take a chance or should i walk away ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Harleyquinnx]

23

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it! Thanks for the extra information. It helps me help you. 😀

It’s good that you’re clear about what you want from a man in a relationship. 😉 But your anxiety about having had the conversation with him that you did, is because you’re uncomfortable about his response. You wish it was different. You don’t want to let go of what you have with him, but you know that you’re taking a risk of wasting your time with him because his reaction was cool. Use that anxiety you’re feeling as a clue. The relationship isn’t going where you want it to, and he’s not interested in the same thing you are. That said, he likes the way things have been going, but at age 23, many men are not ready for the same type of commitment that you’re looking for. In fact, for some of them, it’s not even a blip on their radar screen.

[quote]what should i do ? i felt a bit odd in the 10 months he never thought about being more with me.. he gave the impression that a label would change us. [/quote]

He’s giving you valuable information about himself, how he sees you and the relationship. Try to take that in for what it is, rather than react to it because it’s not what you want. Dating is a process where you can get to know someone and decide, while having fun, if they’re compatible with you and your goals. It sounds like having a girlfriend isn’t on his radar, and has given him pause. That’s good to know! 🙂

[quote]I feel like i’m taking a big chancee to “see what happens” but i like him alot and dont want to get caught up thinking the label is more important then what we actually have. Should i take a chance or should i walk away?[/quote]

The general rule of thumb I have is that you should use the first three months of dating to see if you want to continue dating someone, and the second three months to see if you want to be monogamous. If at ten months, he’s not sure he wants to be monogamous, there’s a good chance you’re not compatible in your goals. It’s very hard to let go of someone who’s got so many great qualities, and with whom you get along so well — but that anxiety you’re having is your clue that this isn’t a match for what you want. If you’re truly interested in your goals, then it would seem prudent to move on. He’s a great guy, but he isn’t the one to get you where you want to be in a relationship. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[Harleyquinnx]

Thank you for the reply 🙂

i appreciate your advice!

its so weird because he treats me like a gf. He said he cares about me and wants to continue what we are doing and see what happens because he wasn’t ruling out a labelled relationship.

I said the only way that would be possible is if there is noone else.. if the reason he hasnt thought about a relationship with me is because he is keeping his options open then there is no point continuing. he agreed to be sexual and emotionally monogamous.

Which makes it harder for me to wrap my head around it but i’m okay without the label. I just need to go contemplate on this hard about what i need to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he’s being sexually monogamous [i]because[/i] you gave him an ultimatum that’s not the same thing as him wanting to be monogamous, and wanting you all to himself. 😉 If it was his idea to be monogamous, or if he embraced the idea wholeheartedly and with happiness because he wants to wrap you up all for himself, the idea of a label wouldn’t matter. The problem is, you’re trying to brand him as yours, and he’s resisting. 😕

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[Harleyquinnx]

i didnt see it from that perspective…

Maybe it would be a good idea to end it. Its hard because i like him alot but that cant be the sole purpose of continuing this

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The great thing about you is that you know what you want! 😀 That’s more than half the win. The problem is that there are great men out there who will be mostly compatible, but not fully compatible. Ever hear of someone who’s a little bit pregnant? Kind of married? Sort of divorced? You can keep dating him and have fun, and maybe he’ll change his feelings and his behavior, and maybe he won’t. Or, you can decide you want a monogamous relationship with someone who wants to get married within a certain amount of time, and try to find that for yourself. Know that you’ll meet and date great men — who aren’t on the same page with your goal, and it will be a lot more difficult to let go of them, then it is to break up with someone who’s abusive, angry, addictive, cheating, etc. These nice guys are a lot harder to move on from — but it’s all up to you. Have fun and see what happens? Or work towards your goal? Your call! 😀

For future, I never recommend ultimatums because they blind you from seeing who he really is, and what he really wants. When you have a lot at stake — like a marriage, children, a home — there are times when you have to tell someone that there’s a deal breaker on the table. But when you’re just dating, ultimatums are warning signs that he’s not right for you because he’s not naturally on the same page. Clarity is sometimes uncomfortable and disappointing, but in the long run, it’s your best tool.

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[Harleyquinnx]

Thing is i’ve never been a relationship person myself until i met him for the last 4 years i spent avoiding getting into them myself into something serious and he came along and swept me off my feet. he admitted the idea of the relationship brings the fear of change…

We’ve had many a conversation about one and others friends we see how they lie to there partners or act like totally different people when there partners aren’t and are there.( he always brings me out with him and his friends i’ve insisted a few times he has nights with just the boys)

Tbh he gives me alot of what i’m looking for maybe he’s not the one maybe he isn’t. but i wont know til i make a decision. we both agreed that on our first date we didnt imagine us sitting together still 10 months later. he said he cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me and talked about letting it naturally progress and see what happens. who knows maybe it will blossom but i know better then to pin all my hope on the possibility of it as that will suck all the joy from what we currently have.

it was never my intent for it to come across as an ultimatum and i started the conversation saying it wasnt one it was more of an out if he wanted to walk away now and we could remain friends and from his reaction he understood that

A few weeks prior to this i had make a joke about him going off with someone else he asked if i was insecure enough to think he would do that to me after how long we’ve been dating. I tried to shrug it off and say it was none of my business but we where sitting in his car and he just turned to me and said “i would never do that to you. i’m not interested in anyone else. There hasn’t been anyone else. so you have nothing to worry about”

I’ll see how things are next time we are together

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you have any questions, you’re welcome to post them here, and I’ll give you my best advice. 🙂

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[harley_quinnx]

I may need some more of your wisdom!
So we had a bit of a bump on the weekend.
I went a bit girl crazy (by that i mean i went silent and told him i was going home) and seen a message on his phone that made me believe he was sleeping with someone else.
at first i said i had only seen the name but then minutes later admitting i skimmed a message where i knew they had hung out and he has never mentioned X (call her x)
She is a girl he went to school with who has two kids.

he said ” she is just a friend. there isn’t anything happening between her and me or me and anyone else. heres my phone look at my messages. i haven’t been with anyone else since we got together, i’m not interested in anyone else and i wouldn’t do that to you. i’m not that arsehole you where with before i wont treat you the way he did. we’ve been together 10 months and last week when you said about a relationship and i hadn’t thought about it well i have why would i want to mess things up with us?” (at this point i made a joke about this not being off to a great start me acting crazy like this if hes thinking about a relationship)
The whole time he wasn’t even being angry he was being so nice about it.

He told me I wasn’t being crazy, he even understood why did what i did even if i didnt. that this had changed nothing. the whole time he was holding me and wiping my make up and asking do i trust him. at first i felt confused and said i didnt know and he kept saying “after 10 months you know me” kissing my forehead and i pushed his phone towards him saying yes i do and i didnt want to look at his messages.

Me feeling like a big idiot and a horrible person said i was going home because what i done was unfair. but he told me not to be silly and he wanted me to spend the day with him. He dragged me into the town where a big event was happening and infont of his friends he said to me about staying over at his again that night. at first i said i’d think about it when i saw his face he look so taken back i pointed at my clothes and told him i was feeling smelly and had no others. he laughed and said it wasnt a problem he’d give me some. the whole time he was being sweet and in the back of my head i was trying to shake it all. when we got back to his that night after he made us walk back through a park he was so affectionate. when we went to bed and i couldnt sleep he just kept kissing my shoulders or my head and even suggested while he went to work at 8am i could sleep in and he would come back with the keys at lunch for me to go home.

am i crazy to trust him? i feel like he was going above and beyond to make sure i was okay after but as my friend put it i’ve had a very unlucky streak with very bad partners in the past. I want to trust him and i know without the trust it wont work. Just some outside perspective would help.

Also i’m currently waiting on a call back to get my anxiety under control with CBT.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]am i crazy to trust him?[/quote]

You’re not crazy to trust him, but you have to be realistic about who you are, your past, and who he is, and his past. Since you’ve been dating him for ten months, you know a lot about him. But it sounds like your giving him an ultimatum, and then looking for behavior that would be a betrayal, is you acting out your deeper feelings of mistrust. Your ultimatum came as a result of his not being on the same page you were at the same time, and now this search for a reason to break up is bringing a lot of your anxiety about the relationship, to the surface. It also sounds like you have a history of working with professionals on CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy — so there may be more to you than what you’ve posted here. 😉

I think it’s important for you to get a big picture perspective here because that may help reduce the anxiety you’re feeling about the relationship, as well as to help you understand the nature of relationships. So remember that relationships, when you’re looking to find a life partner to marry and make a long-term commitment, sometimes work out and sometimes fail. If you don’t accept that sometimes they fail, you’re going to create a lot of anxiety for yourself, trying to control the relationship and a partner’s behavior. Ironically, this will almost certainly guarantee failure. Sometimes people are so afraid of relationship failure, that they sabotage it to make sure it fails, to guarantee they were right — it was doomed. It may not have been, but they sank it because they needed failed relationships to be a truth in their lives.

Relax a little and pay attention at the same time. This may or may not work, but it’s your job to figure out if he’s the right person for you or not. That’s all you have to do. Don’t let your feelings get in the way of your job. 😉

Hope that helps you!

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear you deeply care about him and have built a strong connection over the 10 months. You’ve experienced a lot of intimacy, emotional support, and shared experiences, which naturally makes the idea of moving forward with him in a labeled relationship appealing. Your anxiety and history of past relationships understandably heighten your sensitivity to any perceived risks in trusting him fully.

April is right that his hesitation isn’t necessarily about you it’s about his own readiness for labels and commitment. Many men (and women) aren’t naturally focused on labels even when they’re invested emotionally. His concern that a label might “change things” is a signal that he values the way the relationship functions now but hasn’t fully committed to the traditional structure of a relationship, like a title or certain expectations. This is important information it’s not about you failing, it’s about compatibility in goals and timelines.

Your anxiety and the reaction you had with the message you saw show that trust is a key issue for you. The fact that he responded with transparency, reassurance, and affection after you expressed doubt is a very positive sign of his intentions. It indicates he values you, wants to maintain the relationship, and is committed to monogamy emotionally and sexually. But it’s equally important to recognize that ultimatums or seeking constant reassurance can create tension and prevent you from seeing the relationship clearly for what it is.

You’re at a crossroads between two paths: continuing to enjoy what you have while waiting to see if he naturally evolves toward the level of commitment you want, or stepping back to find someone whose goals are immediately aligned with yours. Both options are valid, but the key is being honest with yourself about what you can tolerate emotionally without resentment or anxiety. You already understand that pinning all your happiness on whether he gives you a label can steal joy from what you currently have that awareness is valuable.

April emphasizes that ultimatums rarely work early in relationships because they can distort the true intentions of the other person. If you’ve had an ultimatum-like conversation (even unintentionally), it may trigger anxiety or overanalyzing behaviors, like checking messages, which can further stress the relationship. This is a moment to reflect, gain perspective, and, as you mentioned, work on your anxiety through CBT it will help you navigate trust and uncertainty more clearly.

The healthiest approach is to balance enjoyment of the relationship with self-awareness. Trust the behaviors you see his efforts to reassure, include you in his life, and prioritize time with you while being realistic about compatibility in terms of long-term goals. You’re not crazy for trusting him, but you must pair trust with discernment: observe, enjoy, and give him space to choose commitment naturally. Simultaneously, keep asking yourself whether waiting indefinitely without a clear direction aligns with your life goals. This balanced approach lets you experience the relationship fully without sacrificing your emotional well-being.

[Tara]

The guy has been acting like your boyfriend for ten damn months, sleepovers, meeting families, inside jokes, drunk “I love you’s,” moving closer to you, and yet he still can’t even think about calling you his girlfriend. That’s not romance. That’s a man enjoying all the perks of a relationship without the responsibility. He’s not confused. He’s comfortable. He gets loyalty, sex, companionship, emotional support, and zero commitment. Why would he rush to change that?
His saying “I haven’t thought about it” is BS. You don’t spend nearly a year consistently seeing someone and just magically “never think about” what it is. He’s thought about it. He just didn’t want to say the part that would make you walk away. And the whole “a label would change things” line? Classic commitment-dodging nonsense. It means he wants the freedom of not being accountable while still reaping the benefits of you acting like his partner.
Here’s what you need to hear:
You didn’t ruin anything; you exposed the truth.
You want a real relationship. He wants convenience. And now he’s trying to keep you invested with crumbs: a hug, a kiss, a sweet message, a new WhatsApp photo. That’s not commitment. That’s damage control, so he doesn’t lose his comfort blanket.
If you “see what happens,” here’s exactly what will happen:
Nothing.
You’ll stay stuck in limbo until you finally break.
So here’s your move:
Tell him the casual era is over. He either steps up and makes it official, or you step out. No gray area. No slow burn. No “maybe someday.” You’ve already given him ten months of a trial run. If he still “doesn’t know,” that’s your answer.
Stop gambling your heart on a man who’s terrified to put a word to what you already are.

[Sally]

Ten months is a long time to share a life with someone and then hear he “hasn’t thought about it.” That hits right in the insecurity spot, even when everything else between you feels easy and good.

But here’s the part that stood out to me when you opened up, he didn’t run. He wanted you to stay. He reassured you. He showed up in those small ways that actually matter.
Some people just take longer to name what they already feel. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means the idea of a label freaked him out for a second.

So maybe don’t force an answer yet. Just watch how he treats you. If he keeps choosing you the way he did that night, that’s your answer. If he pulls back, that’s your answer too.
For now, breathe. You didn’t ruin anything.

[Member]

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