[flinker]

iv bin dating this guy since 2012.
And lastyear he told his mom about me and his mom said that okay shes looking forward to meeting me. so i told my boyfriend that okay before i meet his mom let me tell my mom also about him just to make things fair for him too.
so in august 2015 i told my mom that i have something to tell her and she said okay , i told her about my boyfriend that my boyfriend feels like im hiding him hence i dont talk about him to my family and that he told his mom about me and the mom is looking forward to meeting me.
so my mom said that no i cannot go to my boyfriend them , if his people want to see me than they should come to me. and she said that my boyfriend cannot come to our house yet as family members have to be called to come witness the day he comes.but please note that this is only a relationship,not engagement or wedding. And my mom was very negative she said stuff like people get asked CVs,when the guy comes he has to bring his cv along , and does he have a degree , was he at a university, which type of person asks such things and talk so bad about someone they have not met before..
please note i am 24years and my guy is 31 years.so the whole situation really made me angry and i distanced myself from my parents.now they are painting a bad picture of me that i dont check up on them anymore and that im bad person. but im not a bad person , and its so sad that they dont realise that they where the wrong ones and thats what drove me to get angry

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Do you live with your parents?

[flinker]

1iv bin dating this guy since 2012.
And lastyear he told his mom about me and his mom said that okay shes looking forward to meeting me. so i told my boyfriend that okay before i meet his mom let me tell my mom also about him just to make things fair for him too.
so in august 2015 i told my mom that i have something to tell her and she said okay , i told her about my boyfriend that my boyfriend feels like im hiding him hence i dont talk about him to my family and that he told his mom about me and the mom is looking forward to meeting me.
so my mom said that no i cannot go to my boyfriend them , if his people want to see me than they should come to me. and she said that my boyfriend cannot come to our house yet as family members have to be called to come witness the day he comes.but please note that this is only a relationship,not engagement or wedding. And my mom was very negative she said stuff like people get asked CVs,when the guy comes he has to bring his cv along , and does he have a degree , was he at a university, which type of person asks such things and talk so bad about someone they have not met before..
please note i am 24years and my guy is 31 years.so the whole situation really made me angry and i distanced myself from my parents.now they are painting a bad picture of me that i dont check up on them anymore and that im bad person. but im not a bad person , and its so sad that they dont realise that they where the wrong ones and thats what drove me to get angry

[flinker]

im currently studying abroad , so we are currently in a long distance relationship as he is back home in my country.
but when i go for vacation than i live with my parents.
And they are so clingy. they will call me nonstop to ask where i am , and if i come home late they will scold me.
they want me to be in the house 24/7.

[flinker]

i have been dating with my guy since 2012 , but in 2012 i left our country to go study abroad , so nextyear i am moving back to our country . my boyfriend lives in city A and my parents live in city B. so since my boyfriend and i started dating we have mostly been in a long distance relationship. but now that im moving back home i want to go work in city A where my boyfriend lives so i can be near him and for us to progress our relationship and see where its really going.
if i go stay at my parents in city B it will be really difficult to be seeing my boyfriend hence my parents are so controlling and they will want me to be in the house by 17:00pm everyday.they still treat me like a small child. im 24years old and my boyfriend is 31. we are only dating and no marriage plans yet,not in a rush for that.i guess that will happen 1day when its bound 2 happen.
i want to be close to my boyfriend just to make up for all the away time and for us to be happy.
but my parents are so dramatic they will say no and they will want me to be in the house 24/7 , i mean than whats the use that im in a relationship.. if i move they will get angry and they will say that i dont have respect for elders.
please help me whats your advice and what can i do in a situation like this

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thanks for the extra information.

This is a situation where you have an opportunity to take the high road. It’s easy to get angry at your parents. It’s better to be empathetic. Clearly, they’re scared of losing you, but they express that fear by trying to control you. Instead of getting mad, tell them that you love them, and you understand how hard this is for them. They won’t expect this reaction from you because people who try to control are more comfortable with confrontation and negative engagement. When you take that away from them, by not getting angry, and instead, replace it with kindness, you’ll dissipate the negative dynamic. Tell them you really appreciate that they want a man who is accomplished and of quality for you and you love them for that. Don’t be defensive. Instead, show appreciation for what they want — not annoyance at how they’re going about it.

You’re on your way to independence and that is scaring them. It’s also going to give you a lot more freedom to live your life the way you want without having to interface with them and run up against friction like this. So play it cool since you’re almost out the door. I like your idea of getting a job in the city near your boyfriend so you can see him and also see your parents on more adult terms, instead of going home to their house and your childhood room. 😉

[flinker]

Cool thank you for the advice …
What is your thought on marriage ? What if its not part of i and my partners plans yet. Maybe one day in the future when God permits than we will get married .
Does it mean that if im dating we have to rush marriage just because we are dating ?

[flinker]

Like my parents will only want me to move to a guy once we are married ..
But for me my own self i dont want to rush into marriage . As you know we have been in a long distance relationship for a long time .
Now thats why i want to move close to him so we can really learn more about each other .

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re asking me a different question now. Before you were more interested in avoiding the pressure and negativity your parents were putting on you regarding your boyfriend. Now, it seems like you’re asking me if it’s too forward for you to move to his city to pursue a romantic relationship with him. These require two different answers. While I think your moving out of your parent’s house and towards his city when you graduate, to take a job, is a good idea for your independence, I don’t think it’s ever a great idea to be the one to make the first move — especially when it’s a big one — in order to move a relationship forward. If you were moving for a job and it was also the boyfriend’s city, and things didn’t work out with the boyfriend, you wouldn’t have made a sacrifice for the relationship. But if you’re moving solely for him, I’d say don’t. Let him be the one to ask you to move, or for him to move to you — in other words, he has to put some skin in the game and he should ideally be the one to ask you to move. The problem with your moving without his asking you to or his moving to you, is that you may think things are progressing more quickly than they are. For example, you may move to his city, and then become concerned and confused because he isn’t into the relationship as much as you are — and you’ll forget that he didn’t ask you to move to be near him. You did it on your own. If you wait and let him be the instigator in this move, he’ll have been part of the relationship change. Moving to be near each other is a big deal in a relationship, and it’s one that either he should ask for or you should both decide together, but you shouldn’t be doing this unilaterally.

As for your relationship with your parents, it’s transitioning. You’re figuring out which of their values you want to adopt and how. Be patient with yourself as you go through this transition and know that it’s okay to make mistakes.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[flinker]

ah okay thank you for the advice.
well its something that i and him want , it will make us both happy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 😀

[flinker]

Do you think its a bad thing that i want to move to him ?
It will make both him and i happy …
But my parents will be so against it.they will get angry and they might say no to me.
But i want to be near my boyfriend because it will make me really happy.
What should i do

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Do you think its a bad thing that i want to move to him ?
It will make both him and i happy …[/quote]

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you [i]want[/i] to move in. However, if you make a decision to act on your feelings, make sure that it’s not you pushing for the move and your boyfriend going along with it. It’s always better for a relationship when he’s the one to do the pursuing, the chasing, the asking, etc. 😉

[quote]But my parents will be so against it.they will get angry and they might say no to me.
But i want to be near my boyfriend because it will make me really happy.
What should i do[/quote]

Yes, your parents will be against it. Look back at the advice I wrote you about being empathetic towards them. I think it’s important that you acknowledge their feelings, but that you also change the dialogue and the dynamic by appreciating their feelings.

Let me know if this is confusing to you and if you have any other questions.

[flinker]

aha , okay thank you for the advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Member]

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