[bittersweet]

I am a 38 years old female educator with 3 sons and one time divorced. Been involved exclusively with a man 58 years old for the past 2 and half years. Since the beginning of or relationship he set expectations for our relationship. We recently separated for a few weeks because of my selfishness. We were getting ready for bed on a late Sunday night and he asked me to do the usual back rub to put him to sleep thing. I had wine that night and I instigated being intimate. Noticed minutes into my attempt that the feeling was not mutual so I went to sleep. He has told me before THATS A BIG NO IN OUR RELATIONSHIP because we are both educators and our days usually begin at an early time and he does not function well on little sleep. The next morning he was sick and upset due to his lack of sleep and my escapade as he called it. I need to know what I can say besides I am sorry and ill never do it again. He says he feels that he can not even caress me because he thinks I am going to read more his gesture.. My apologies are no good to him and he has not talked to me. How can I express myself differently? And what other advice can you give me? I adore him but I’ve done this before and he says I make him think that I don’t care for his health.

[AskApril Masini]

Because of his age, and your age difference, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and wager that this has less to do with you than it does with him. He may be of an age where it’s not as easy for him to complete a sex act that he was once able to do easily. Your interest in sex — even if it’s just his perception of your interest — reminds him of his inability to do what he used to be able to do. Your kind gestures probably set off a catalyst of anxiety for him that cover aging, health, his ability to satisfy a younger partner, self esteem, etc.

My advice is to take a different approach. Apologies just make him feel worse because he knows it’s not your fault, but can’t say it because he’s overwhelmed with anxiety over the subject. He’s lashing out when he talks about your escapades because that’s the best he can do. Let that go. You have to sit down with him one afternoon, not in the bedroom, and talk to him about this in a way that he doesn’t feel defensive. You have to open the door to discussion on a topic he wants to avoid, but one that is important to the relationship. He doesn’t have the tools to have this talk. You do.

Tell him you love him and you want to talk to him about sex and age because you’re right behind him on that train, and your day will come, as well — and that you want to feel like you’re a sexual couple, but you never want to pressure him. Bring up the topic of marital aids — from pharmaceuticals to battery operated toys — even if you’re not into them, say so. But tell him you want to be able to talk to him about everything, even if it’s uncomfortable or distasteful, just to make sure you’re not shorting the relationship because you’re uncomfortable with a topic. He may react with push back or relief or both. It may take more than one try to get the conversation going — but this is your mission! 😉

[bittersweet]

This is excellent advice. One more question-he is a possessive man and he dislikes when i wear revealing clothing. Ive made an extreme lifestyle change for him these past years in many different ways but the other day I wore a semi sheer silk shirt under a vest and he said I was dressing inappropriate which arose to another argument in the same week as our bedroom fallout. I used to be a fragrance vendor on weekends in which my attire was flirty and fun-he claims i probably miss that life and attire since i seem to be “falling off the wagon”. But in all truthfulness I really don’t miss it. I just didn’t think it would spark an argument. I’ve made many positive changes for us and I wish he would appreciate it just a little. How can I express this to him without opening another can of worms? He asked to meet with me in 2 days and I’m at loss for words. I cant seem to think of anything that would confirm my commitment to him. What do you think?

[AskApril Masini]

Don’t overload him (or yourself). Focus on the sex issue first. Put this one on the back burner and return to it in a few months. 😉

[bittersweet]

Just want to update you..Met with him last night for dinner. We discussed a lot of things that had been pending between us. Sex, attire, dependability and at the end he asked me what was it, that I would like to come out of this? I said a healthy and happy relationship and later being his wife and him my husband and father to my boys. Because it was late in the night already I didn’t want him to think I wanted to stay over so I told him we would continue our conversation tomorrow night. He agreed. And he told me he wanted me to come back with some suggestions on how we could move on with our relationship. I told him I thought that would be best if I left that up to him since I’m the one that came with a bigger package. He said to let him worry about that after I tell him how I would like to move forward with us. He has always said that after 2 years we had to move on from boyfriend or girlfriend so I am guessing he would like me to talk about marriage. He told me there is different types of commitments-committed relations where we stay in different homes, fuck relations, or marriage relations. I know this is the man for me and my boys. I adore him with all my heart, I just don’t know how to propose anything to him on my end other than I’m ready for the next step. What can I say to suggest more? Or what kind of plan or timeframe can we talk about? I have a feeling he wants times and dates of when I want to move on with this. We have summer vacation time coming and we usually spend 6 weeks at The Keys, Florida. He plans everything’s so I’m sure he’s asking to know how to plan. A few months ago he asked what kind of wedding I would like. I told him I’d like to runaway for the weekend and get married in Vegas. Knowing this April, what suggestions can I bring to the table for him that doesn’t seem like desperation or overwhelming for him?

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think you should take the lead here. I know you want things settled, and I also hear you saying that you don’t want to overwhelm him or appear desperate. Lay back and let him take the lead here. If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask. If he wants you to move in together, he’ll ask. 😉

[Sally]

This isn’t really about one night or one back rub. It’s about control and fear. You didn’t harm him. You didn’t disrespect his health. You tried to connect with the man you love and stopped when you felt it wasn’t mutual. That matters.

Apologizing over and over won’t fix this because he’s not asking for an apology. He’s asking for reassurance that things will always be on his terms. And that’s a heavy place to live in.

You can tell him you understand his boundaries and that you’ll respect them. But you’re also allowed to say you don’t want to feel like your touch is a problem. If he won’t talk, that silence is saying something too.
Love shouldn’t feel this fragile.

[Serena Vale]

You don’t need a big plan or a timeline right now. What you need is clarity and calm.

When you meet him, say something simple like:
“I know what I want. I want a healthy, stable future with you. I’m ready for the next step when you are, and I trust you to lead that.”

That shows commitment without pressure.

You’ve already shown him you’re serious through your actions, your consistency, and the changes you’ve made. You don’t need to prove anything more. If he wants marriage, he’ll move it forward. If he doesn’t, no amount of planning on your end will change that.

Stay grounded. Stay open. Let him show you where he stands.

[Tara]

This isn’t about a back rub, wine, sleep, or your “escapade.” This is about control, power, and you shrinking yourself to keep a man comfortable. You didn’t commit some moral crime you made a human move in a relationship, and he’s punishing you with silence like a sulking authority figure instead of communicating like an adult partner. He set “expectations,” you violated one, and now he’s acting like your desire is a liability and your affection is a threat to his well-being.

That’s not intimacy, that’s conditional tolerance. And let’s be clear: if a 58-year-old man collapses emotionally because you misread a moment and tried to initiate sex, the problem isn’t your apology, it’s his rigidity and emotional fragility.

You’ve already apologized, repeatedly, and he’s rejected it because what he wants isn’t remorse it’s submission and reassurance that you’ll suppress your needs to protect his routine. You can’t fix this with better wording because this isn’t a language problem. It’s a dynamic problem.

[Member]

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