[Anonymous]

im really looking for some advice my girlfriend and i had been dateing for 9 months she had been out of work for 6 of these months and i was supporting her paying her rent bills ect we only saw eachother maybe 1 or 2 times a week and had talked about this not being enough but still it didnt change last week we didnt see eachother at all and i was not happy with this because she had time to see everybody else and not me and i told her this she said that she needed a brake from the relationship i dont understand what the differance is bettween being on a brake and brakeing up is i love her very very much and she said she loves me but is unhappy with her life and she is the only one who can change it by herself she is 26 and so am i and she is extreamly inferluanced by her friends and her room mate i am totally lost and heartbroken by what she has done to me an i just dont even no where i stand weather we will get back together or not or just what to do im very hurt and starting to get very dippressed by what has happend and in all honesty i cant beleave she has done this to me after everythinng i have done for her it was always me chaseing in the relationship to us to spend time together i gave her pretty much whatever she wanted took her nice places bought her nice things i dont understand what i did wrong

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry to hear you sounding like such a victim, when really, your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong at all! 😕 It was your choice to pay her rent and her bills and buy her gifts. She didn’t hold a gun to your head, and force you to pay for things for her. If you thought that paying her bills and buying her gifts was going to guarantee she would stay with you, you were sorely mistaken. People can’t be bought. They make choices out of free will.

Your girlfriend is right when she says she is the only one who can “fix” her life, and it’s understandable, and even laudable that she is trying to get her act together so she doesn’t have to accept rent and bill payment from a boyfriend. Not every woman is comfortable with that.

As for her being influenced by her friends, that’s who she is! It isn’t a flaw or an asset — it’s just her character.

My advice to you is to be grateful that you didn’t spend more time with someone who didn’t turn out to be Ms. Right, and that what you spent on her was limited, and was only money — and not marriage or children. She actually give you a gift by being clear with you that she isn’t interested in dating you right now. This frees you up to see who else is out there! 🙂

Use what you learned from this relationship to choose more carefully next time. Look for a woman who isn’t so needy financially, and one who’s life is in a better place to move forward in a relationship with you. Some women are more ready than others in their lives to be monogamous and marry. Or….find a woman who has more traditional values and who feels comfortable committing herself to you because you’re generous enough to pay her rent and bills. There are definitely woman who would think you’re the ultimate Mr. Right for doing this, and would value this quality in you. Also look for a woman who has more of a back bone when it comes to her being influenced by her friends, as this seems to be important to you.

I hope this helps! 🙂

[Anonymous]

just to clarify a few things i helped her pay her rent and bills because she asked for help and because i love her i was more than willing to help her in anyway that i could i feel very hurt because she said all these things to me during the relationship and now a feel a fool for beleaveing her and like i said she said were on a brake not broke up and i dont understand the differance. if theres a chance of getting back together then thats great and what i want more than anything but if its over then i just want to know so i can try and move on with my life .

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s always a chance of getting back together, but what you really want to know is what [i]kind[/i] of a chance is there for a reconciliation? A 10 percent chance? A 75 percent chance? A 2 percent chance? It’s hard for me to know the nuances of your relationship and of your now ex-girlfriend, from just a couple of brief posts.

Some people say they want a break, just to soften the blow on the other person, when what they [b]really[/b] want is a break [i]up[/i]. Since your girlfriend already said things to you during the relationship that you’re now kicking yourself for having believed, it’s entirely possible the same thing is happening again. She may really want a break up, but is just telling you she wants a break because she doesn’t want to know she’s disappointing you.

The bottom line is that you are the one who is going to have to live your life whether or not she’s breaking up with you or just taking a temporary break from you, and you have to figure out if your life should be conducted any differently if she’s on break or broken up. (And by the way, in the absence of a Webster’s relationship dictionary, taking a break can mean a celibate period of working on problems while remaining true to you, or it can mean dating other people while taking a break from you and working on her own problems. To protect yourself, however, count on the latter.)

I think you should live your life as if you’re broken up, and consider dating other women, while she’s allegedly getting her own life together. If you live as if you’re single and confident, it’s a win win situation for you. First of all, you may meet Ms. Right, now. Second of all, your ex-girlfriend may see you differently if she sees you’re not moping around, or acting desperate or clingy. Women love men who are confident and who are winners — at everything, including dating. If your ex sees you as a winner with women, from her new perspective as your ex, she may reconsider her position.

But I want to underline again what I said in my prior post to you, which is to use what you’ve learned, and start looking for a woman who is ready to be in a relationship and doesn’t need to take a time out from dating you to get her act together. I get so many posts from readers who choose men or women who aren’t actually available for dating because their personal lives aren’t in order, so when one person (like you) in the relationship is ready for monogamy or whatever the next step is, their partner says, “Wait — I’m not really ready for that step because I haven’t done x, y or z yet.” And that halts the momentum of the relationship.

So, get back out there and be the winner you are. If she’s just on break, she’s going to rush to get her act together when she sees what’s at risk in losing you to someone else. And if she’s broken up, you get to really look full steam ahead for Ms. Right, and all the while tempt your ex to consider changing her position.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Ella Marie]

Love is not all about giving financially. If you think it’s unfair, step back and see if she’s really love you, she won’t let you leave her. But if she’s the one asking for a break, then let her go and don’t chase her.

[Member]

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