[Douglas Gordon]

Hello,
I appreciate anyone who has advice to offer, seeing as this is one of the most difficult times of my life. I’m a 30 yr. old man whom has been in a relationship with “Jen” for 7 years. Basically, things have been confusing ever since we had to cancel our wedding last year. She feels we had to cancel because my family was unsupportive. Anyway, I’ve noticed the attention she’s been getting on sites like Facebook. Currently, I feel as though she’s flirting with other guys on FB, and says, “if we were married, they’d back off.” However, my issues run MUCH deeper than this. She denies anyone says inappropriate things to her online, but I’ve read some graphic, hurtful stuff. I know with most guys, esp. over the internet, address girls as “hun”, or “sweety.” and that doesn’t bother me so much, cuz some guys are just like that. But what if they’re saying things like, “You look super sexy, we should cuddle sometime and watch a movie.” That’s no stretch, either. So even though she’s just “taking” these comments, I know word will get around quickly that she’s flirting with guys online. I’m not an overly jealous person at all either. I also know that much stuff that I seen on FB was supposed to be “hidden” from me seeing. However, I have seen a lot. I know she’s upset that we’ve been together so long, and are still not married. She has told me there are many guys out there whom would marry her. I have raised her son since he was 13 months old (he’s not 8), and we have a 3 yr. old daughter together. I don’t think she has cheated on me, I just hate the way she makes it ok for guys to talk to her like that. Whenever I question how she knows a particular person, she goes off telling me I need to relax. I have no problem with her having guys on FB so long as she has a prior relationship with them (ie. school, coworkers, family, etc.). Although I haven’t told her ALL of the fb messages I have seen, she knows I’ve seen a few posts mentioning “hun” or “sweety.” But like I said, there’s MUCH more to it. With “certain” individuals, she’s blocked them from seeing her relationship status on FB. She comforts me by saying, “everyone on my fb can see that we’re together!” But I know this isnt’ the case. She controls who sees she’s single, and who doesn’t. I love this girl so much, and have put up with similar issues that have happened in the past. If she is accepting these flirts and invitations, what am I to think of our 7-year relationship? She’s expressed she was “bored” in the past, with us. She’s hinted that she hates sitting at home with our kids on a Saturday night. I really don’t know what to do, or who to turn to…so that’s why I came here. If you have any advice, I’d love to hear it.

Thank you very much for listening.
😮)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what is so “sticky” about the situation. It seems very clear the way you describe it. But, you’re addressing the “symptom” of the problem without dealing with the problem that is causing the symptom. 😕 The problem appears to be that she wants to get married and you’re not married.

Why don’t the two of you get married since you have a child together, seven years of a relationship and a potential step-son that you’ve helped raise?

It seems like there is a simple solution! (If you write back please tell me how old you both are.)

You can follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Douglas Gordon]

I am 31 and she is 29. The sticky part of it comes in the way she’s talking to others, as if she’s already single. However, she has her facebook set up so when I see her page, it says she’s “in a relationship.” She’s defintely playing some weird games, or maybe just likes the attention she’s getting. Her father even suggested we go elope…but she wants a ‘real’ wedding.
It’s also complicated because I’ve went behind her back to find out a lot of what I know. so even if I brought “facebook” up again, she’ll point me to the door (which has happened before). she thinks I’m just jealous…as most guys are. but she’s totally saying inappropriate things, as if she is single. It’s like the show Cheaters…when they walk in on the one spouse cheating, the cheater can’t be like, “What are you doing hiring someone to check up on me???” I’ve basically got my partner “caught” red-handed, so to speak. I just know if I bring it up, we’re done. and for the sake of the kids, I’d rather put up with this for another 10 years just to see them. Is that lame or what? Dont get me wrong, I love her, we’re good on most days…so long as I dont mention FB. But she’s at her wits end with me and me complaining about FB. Is it normal for guys’ partners to allow this flirtation to continue? She’s told me she deleted ppl off fb for me before…but there are still so many more pigs on her friends list. I have girls on my fb too, and that’s been an issue. But I know them all personally, and I never degrade them or call them “baby.” Even if someone’s wearing something sexy, I wont even comment on that.
as long as I dont think about what she’s doing on fb, I’m fine. But when I come home, and see all the stuff that’s been deleted off the computer, it bothers me. If someone’s hiding their relationship status, that’s a pretty clear sign, isn’t it? Her mother did the same thing to her dad, too. Her mom got bored, and started dating around. Her mom also raised her. I dont wanna give up…but what if she already has?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hmmmmmm…….

You went really far out of your way to avoid my one and only question: Why, after seven years, aren’t you married?

Let’s start there. 😉

[Douglas Gordon]

We had planned on getting married in July of 2011. About a year prior to that, the plans began. Initially, she felt my family wasn’t being as supportive as she’d have liked. They wanted to do things their way, but she felt since she was the bride, they’d do it HER way. After a few other differences, and some nasty words being exchanged (mostly from my family), she decided we couldn’t get married under the negative circumstances/feelings. I still was willing to get married, as I love her. Her family, and mine, even agreed we should have gotten married. She feels to this day it’s my family’s fault for us not getting married. My partner didn’t want to marry in to a family that didn’t support her/us. Even though I tried telling her they do care about us. But it was a little late when my eldest sister made some rude comments that were hurtful (ie. “Bridezilla”). I said all along we should have gone and talked to each member of my family with whom she had issues with, cuz that’s what adults do. My partner maintained that we didn’t do anything wrong, so they’re the one’s who have to take the initiative in apologizing. However, they don’t know what they did wrong. I have a large family, and of my 9 siblings, she’s angry towards 5 of them, including my mother. My partner’s called them “liars” for agreeing to things, then backing out. but I believe it was all blown out of proportion and it should have been talked about with them.
So it was around April of 2011 when we’d informed everyone the wedding would be cancelled. We’ve had issues since then. She feels she’ll never be able to marry me, because “stuff” will never get fixed. She’s mentioned seeing no future with someone she cannot marry, but then the next day, she’ll have calmed down and apologized for taking it out on me. Even her family admits that I’m kind of the “middle man”, taking all the blame for the stuff my family did.
We went to a friend’s wedding, and it was good until the reception. My partner started acting down, and went outside. She told me she was so upset to see others celebrate such a beautiful moment….which she knows she won’t have. So we awkwardly left the wedding, without saying bye. There were times when she’ll be watching tv and a wedding show will be on. Seeing brides on tv get their special day upset her. One night I came home, and she said, “I need you to leave.” I knew she had been going through all the past, negative thoughts.
Lately, she’s been talking about going away somewhere tropical to get married, something neither of us were remotely crazy about before.
She thinks I have trust issues…but I only have trust issues because of the things I have read. I dont think she’s cheated on me…but I’ve read the messages she’s received from guys online. I could seriously write for hours, to make you better understand the situation.
I just feel like, if someone came along, I’d be gone. I know guys have said very inappropriate things to her online (ie. “I’d like to come cuddle with you, you look sexy!” Just typical, piggish guy things. But I’ve told her guys only talk to girls like that cuz they’re thinking one thing. She says they talk to all girls like that though. But what worries me most is the overall secrecy on sites like facebook. Without revealing too much info (in a public forum), can I ask a general question? What does it mean when a guy says things like this, and she just says “thanks”, “lol”, or “I dont think I’m as hot as you say”. Doesn’t that send him a weird message…like…keep it comin’!? I know she likes compliments because she’s recently lost a lot of weight and looks fantastic! I have females on my fb, all of whom I have a long history with, and even though they have some skimpy outfits on in their pics, I would NEVER say anything inappropriate at all. She says, “how do I know what you say to them?” andI assure her, I’m not a pig. She could ask any of them, if I’ve ever said anything remotely weird. I told my partner, all guys think stuff, even if they tell they’re partner, “there’s no other woman as attractive as you!” But the difference between a gentleman, and a pig, is how they talk to/treat you. My partner even admitted that, if given the chance/invitation, many of the guys on her fb WOULD probably have an intimate encounter with her. I said, “doesn’t that make you look at them differently then?” She said no, they’re just guys.
I dunno…maybe I’m wrong…I tell myself maybe it’s just normal with our online world, for this sort of thing to happen. I try and relate it to people I know. Would my partner’s old-school dad put up with this??? Even my friends whom are married…do their wives associate (daily!) with guys who talk to them like they’re animals? I really doubt it. I’m not a girl, but I think it would make me feel “easy”, if a guy felt he could blatently tell me what’s on his mind! I would probably say, “You’re a pig…” and delete them.
My partner claims she lives in a small world, with few friends, and she doesn’t want to delete people off of fb just because I dont know/like them. I swear on my children, I don’t mind her associating with males. I’m not one of those insecure types. But when it’s to the point where I’ve seen things said, and it’s starting to quite literally make me nausious. Do I just let it go on, and shut my mouth. Like she’s even said, I’m the one she goes to bed with.
Like I said before, she’s come far with her body appearance, but still has “a lot of work to do.” she wants to be this little, 110lb. girl,and that’s her goal to get there! She has said that I’m the only one she has to/wants to look good for. But you can’t tell me she doesn’t thrive off of the attention of others too?
I feel like I’m going crazy. I guess bottling all of this up for so long (over a year) and not having anyone to really talk to. Oh yeah…I forgot to mention that I’m not “allowed” to talk to my family, and haven’t seen them, or any of my 21 nieces/nephews this whole time. I’ve wanted to reunite our kids at least, and my partner just says, “After what they (my siblings) did, they don’t deserve it.” I maintained, it’s not right to make the KIDS suffer, though.
Part of me thinks she actually will want to get married (even if we elope). and I’m praying that, when married, this would stop. She’s even expressed that “guys wouldn’t talk to her like that if they knew she was married.” But she doesn’t even want them to know she’s in a relationship. It’s weird, like I want to have an attractive partner. I’ve heard of guys making their girls GAIN weight, or grow their leg hair, just to deflect attention. I value her beauty…I just wish she woudln’t like this attention so much. I feel like I’m going mental. I love this woman so much, and want to figure out why she does what she does. But if I bring FB up one more time, “we’re done.”. I hope I’m not hurting your head. 😮P

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it.

It sounds like you have to make a decision here. This situation is “sticky” because you’re not being decisive and are playing defense.

Your girlfriend is upset because you’re not married. The reason you didn’t get married was because of family interference and your inability as a couple to rise above the “noise”. So here’s where you have to decide: If you want to marry her, then you have to do so now. This Facebook flirting happened, as you write, as a result of your not marrying her. It seems like if you do marry her, and focus on making the relationship a good one, it will go away. Besides which, she isn’t really cheating on you — she’s flirting, trying to get your attention and acting out on her disappointment and anger. So if you want to marry her, do it! Don’t make a big wedding — that didn’t work. Instead, invite a few close friends to your home or a restaurant, and have a low key wedding. Or go to City Hall and get married there. Or, do what I did and go to Vegas for a grown up weekend and get married there.

If you don’t want to marry her, then you have to move on now. This problem is only going to get worse because she wants to be married, and she’s angry because you’re not. She isn’t able to move on, so you have to — IF you don’t want to marry her.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how it goes, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Douglas Gordon]

Hello April,

I agree, “Petra” is upset because we’re not married. She agrees, it’s my family’s fault we didn’t get married, even though she called it off. My issues run a bit deeper historically, though. About a year into our (now 7 year) relationship, there was some suspicions on my part. I eventually confirmed these suspicions when I found out she left for a 3-day trip to Ottawa with her girlfriends. However, I found it those girlsfriends didn’t even go, but my partner did. It was revealed that she went with a male “friend”, whom I found out she had a secret crush on (he was a few years younger than her). Weeks before this, she’d expressed she was bored with us, and needed to get away with her girls (hence the trip to Ottawa). We got over that.

There were a few other instances, where there were guys causing problems, similar to what I’m going through now. She deleted facebook over it, and all was good. Another thing, I find it hard to believe all this attention would go away if she were married, cuz right now, she has certain people “blocked” from seeing that she is in a relationship. I dont know why fb even has this option, but more important, I dont know why she would want certain people to NOT see that she’s in a relationship. She picks and chooses who can see certain things. There’s no pictures of us together on her pages either. Her fb pic is always just her, posing for a glamour-type shot. Again, she doesn’t know exactly what I have seen as far as her activity on the internet, so she wouldn’t feel morally wrong in any way. So if married, why couldn’t she continue to have this internet, flirtatious lifestyle? Like I said to her, I doubt guys would stop if we were married.

Can I ask, why would someone in her situation, feel as though they have to hide stuff (on fb) from their partner? I know I complained about other posts before, and that’s why she’s blocked me from seeing posts. She’s denied doing so…which is a flat-out lie, considering I’ve seen her actions online.

We both agreed, if we did get married, it’d have to be a small, simple one. I’m just old-fashioned I guess, in how I’m dealing with this. I feel that, even if we’re NOT married, we’ve been together 7 years, have a beautiful child, and I’ve raised her son since he was 14 months old…that she would have more respect for me than to do this. I feel like, since my family did what they did, I have to suck it up and put up with this behavior. I’ve never been this confused about my own feelings before. I love this girl so much, I just hate the fact that she’s allowed people to talk to her in these ways. She’s said before, noone could ever love her like I do, and “put up” with her. I agree. Is it wrong for me to “expect” her to delete certain people off of fb? I would love to think if some guy, that she hadn’t even met (knows through friends of friends) said flirtatious things, she would just delete them on her own. Most girls would think, “Ugh! What a pig!” But my partner seems to like this attention.

When we first met, we had made an agreement about showing affection when you’re in a relationship. She said, she doesn’t like how some guys turn their heads when another attractive person walks by. She knows I’ve never been that type. Although she wouldn’t know, I’ve never flirted with other girls. I’d feel as though I’m stabbin’ the MOTHER of my children in the back, in doing so. I watched this woman girl birth to my daughter!! I’ve never abused her, and supported her for years. And she can do this to me?

Sorry for rambling…can I ask you, if you were a guy…what would you do? Since nothing’s physically happening (yet), do I just stop checking her emails and let things happen naturally? Some of these guys are asking where we live, so it is getting a bit personal. I just want things to be, for her, as exciting as they were the first month together. I’m a guy – we’re supposed to be the one’s doing this sort of thing, right? I wouldn’t say I’m bored, but I think things about women she’d be very upset over, and I even told her that. But the difference is, thinking and saying/doing. I know in this technological age, relationships don’t usually last, cuz friends are so easily accessible. I just want to find ways to make her appreciate what I’m giving her, I guess.

I cannot tell you how appreciative I am for you helping me out. A couple of days ago, I was looking for help lines, crisis lines, anything…just some advice. I wasn’t sure if I was going to get an automated, generic message relating to my issues. But instead, I got real advice…and that is such a good feeling, during such a weird time in my life. I sincerely want to make this work, for the kids, for me, and my partner. I know if “anything” happened (physically), I’d lose it physically and emotionally. I’m just praying it never comes to that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you you knew who she was during the first year you dated when she lied to you and took a vacation with a guy instead of her girlfriends. 😳 You wrote that you got over that…. but I’m not sure you’re being honest with yourself. If you did, you wouldn’t be hanging onto it the way you have. Regardless, you had a child together, and now you’ve invested seven years together, and it’s clear you’ve got a family together whether you’re married or not. But she’s not going to let up with her behavior if you don’t marry her, and if you do, she’s going to continue to flirt with men. I’m not sure, from what you write, how far the flirtation will go. If you feel in your heart that she will ALWAYS be a flirt, but won’t cheat on you, then that’s one thing. But if she’s never going to be satisfied with you and is always going to be looking for someone or something that’s bigger, better and more exciting, then you’re with a type of adrenaline junkie who’s never going to give you what you want or be happy with you for long.

I don’t think you’re going to leave her unless she cheats on you, and I don’t think (with the exception of the Canada trip six years ago), she’s cheated on you. But she’s looking for relief, and she may if you don’t marry her. Basically: You’re at a stand off. Someone has to cross the line in the sand.

Doing so is going to take a major gesture. It may be sweeping her off her feet and flying her to some exotic destination where you surprise her with a wedding on the beach, just the two of you — or some dramatic campaign to win her over, because you’re losing her, but you’re stuck in this family rut.

Unless one of you crosses the line in the sand — cheats or marries — this purgatory you’re in is going to continue. You’re focused on her flaws. She’s focused on your flaws. Nobody is looking at the future or what’s good about the two of you and what you can do for each other. If that’s because there is no future, then it’s time to move on. 😳 😳 I know you asked me what I’d do, but the only reason you’re asking me is because you don’t want to make a tough decision yourself. Sorry, but the ball’s in your court. Decide how you’re going to swing at it — if at all.

[Douglas Gordon]

Hello. 😮)
You’re right, I learned a lot about Petra when she left town with another guy. She’s told me a lot about her mom, who’d raised her by herself; her mom cheated on her dad several times, ’til he had enough. A boss told me years ago, “If you ever wanna’ know what you’re girlfriend’s gonna’ be like in the future…look at her mother!” This has really scared me, even from the stuff my partner has shared with me about her mom’s promiscuous lifestyle. These fears, that Petra will be the same, are becoming reality. I believed this when she first mentioned a sense of boredom earlier on in our relationship. She’s even expressed frustration in the many Friday and Saturday nights we’ve spent at home…on the couch. Much of this has to do with the fact she works EVERY weekend, which I’ve defended myself in explaining. She acknowledged that fact.

I’ve tried getting over the trip she took, but it’s hard, really. When you meet someone, and become a father-figure to their baby boy, and you’ve helped them out of a crumby situation…you assume it’s fate…meant to be…and that you’d be together forever. I just really felt stabbed in the back, and although I tell myself I’m over it, I’m not sure that I am. I still feel nauseous when I think about it (as well as all the other stuff I’ve read), so maybe I’m not over it?

I think she may always want to be a bit of a flirt, since she needs the attention. She goes to extreme measures to manage her weight. She doesn’t want to have a “mommy” body, so she’s striving for 110lbs. Other guys, who probably remember has as a bit thicker, tell her: “whoahh! You look HOT!” and that doesn’t bother me, that’s typical. But it goes much farther than that. She denies constantly, that she’s thin (she’s currently 125lbs), and that i’m crazy cuz no other guy would even find her attractive. I know, SHE knows, that that isn’t true cuz of what people are [u]saying [/u]to her. I want her to look good, I want her to feel good about herself, I just don’t want her to “allow” people to talk to her like a single piece of meat. But if the comments don’t bother her, why would she tell them to stop?

I agree…I can’t leave…unless she cheats. God forbid that happens. I love her so much, and although I think she’s got some issues, I respect that and still strive to make her happy. I know I can’t give her the boats, vacations, or jewellery that other guys have offered, but she’s admitted no guy could ever love her, or put up with her, as I do. I agree about this being a standoff. Believe it or not, I do want to marry her, with hopes that SHE would change and really value what we have.

This does feel like a purgatory state I’m in. Wow. Although she has flaws, there are still many good qualities about her. Aside from the stuff that goes on behind my back (hidden/online), things are pretty normal with us. We’re intimate, joke around, and watch the news. Things are great as long as I dont mention facebook, or my family, basically.

I have thought about being with other women for years. I’ve told her it’s the sick way us men are wired. lol But as I’ve said before, thinking and doing are much different. I’ve never cheated on a partner of mine because I know how horrible it would feel/feels. I was heartbroken when the incident happened 6 years ago, but figured it was just accident. But her behaviors starting to be as it was back then. Her behaviour (towards guys online) changes with her weight. Does that make sense? I mean, when she’s thin, she gets lots of attention. She believes I dont want her to be “healthy” because of the way guys have reacted. and that’s not true. I feel kind of honoured when a guy toots his car horn at her in the summertime. That’s expected. But when something as personal as Fb allows guys to send personal messages…and she’s feeding off these messages, it’s difficult. I dont know whether to be angry with these guys (I’ve thought about sending angry messages to them letting them know what I’ve read, but Petra already got furious with me for “messaging her friends”), with my partner, or myself for overreacting through all of this.

You’re right, something has to be done. I guess I feel as though I can’t say anything until something does happen, even if it’s simply meeting for a coffee (step 1). I just know, as I’ve said before, when I mention how I’ve essentially went behind her back (via the computer) to find out all this stuff, she’d be more mad at THAT, than actually addressing the issue! We would actually never get to the issues, because my “untrusting” would be the new issues. She’d kick me out, right there and then. We’d likely never sit down and discuss stuff. Am I doing wrong in waiting for something to happen?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s now becoming clear that YOU are the problem. 😳

I’m sorry if this is hard to hear, but you’re really babying yourself.

Your posts indicate that you will never leave her — but you also won’t stop complaining about her. 🙄 This means that YOU are playing a crucial part in a dysfunctional home. This isn’t good for your child, and since you won’t take care of yourself, or her (because enabling her is what you’re doing) you really have an obligation to take care of your child. As he or she becomes a teenager, he’s going to understand what’s going on. He will see that you are enabling her behavior; he will see that you don’t take of yourself when it comes to love; he will see that you find fault with his mother and disapprove of her — in other words, this is not going to be a happy or healthy home for your child.

My advice is to see that this is [i]not[/i] a sticky situation. 😳 It is one where you refuse to show your child what a healthy relationship looks like because you have an emotional need to stay in one that is unhealthy. The kind of love you say you have for her is not a mature love. It’s ego driven. You seem to think that your staying is good for both of you. It isn’t. 🙁

Lots of people have dysfunctional relationships, but when you have a baby you have a responsibility to do right by that kid. Do the right thing. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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