[rberkland]

My fiancé gets extremely upset anytime something comes up about my ex wife. We have our own place but if we receive junk mail addressed to my ex, she throws a fit and I get the silent treatment. She has started fights over kitchen utensils that my ex and I received as wedding gifts. (my fiancé was married before too and we still use gifts from her wedding). She even made it very clear that she did not want me to accept a facebook friend request from an old girlfriend. For some reason my past really bothers her. She has even threatened to leave me over these arguments. knowing how upset she gets I had to talk to my ex about a tax question and I didn’t tell her. Well she found out and she was ready to move out, I was on the couch, etc. So now she constantly thinks that I am lying to her and hiding things from her. She spies on my email, cell phone, always asks where I am and what I’m doing. This applies even in our house. If I get up to leave a room, she asks what I’m going to do!

Surprisingly this wouldn’t bother me as much if I didnt know things about her. For instance, during the move to our current house I saw that she had letters from her ex and some of his personal belongings in her room. That got me very upset but I didn’t say anything. It was my ace in the hole. But this got me curious so I did more digging and found more. An old journal with all of the boys she’s dated, photos of her and her ex and his family, anniversary cards, printed chat conversations, found out shes been keeping in touch with her ex since the divorce about 7 years ago, she’s friends with half of her ex boyfriends on facebook, she left her email up one day and I found she has a folder of old emails from her ex including a nude photo and a picture of an ex boyfriend with his shirt off. She told me the other day that she thinks the pharmacist is hot at the store she goes to. And she just recently started using a lanyard key chain with her ex’s employers logo on it. She also still uses an email with with her married name that I have asked her more than once to stop using. She has another email she could be using too.

I have not told her I know all of these things about her yet because I feel if I do she will go into another one of her fits of rage. I love her and I want to be with her but how do I get her to see that her rules for me need to apply to both of us?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your fear of her fits of rage are holding you hostage. You have to face what you don’t want to in order to make any progress in the relationship — otherwise things will continue as they are and get worse, too. 🙁

Her jealousy over your past isn’t normal. Anyone who’s been married and divorced may still get mail addressed to the ex-spouse and it’s not based on anything you motivated or did. It’s very unreasonable for her to get angry because you’ve gotten mail at your address that was sent to your ex-wife. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to hide from her, but that hasn’t stopped her from feeling paranoid, betrayed and about to be cheated on at any moment. This fear she has is based on something that has nothing to do with you.

It’s interesting that you’ve found that in fact, SHE has nude photos of her ex in her room and is very flip and free about keeping up with her ex boyfriends. It’s entirely possible that she’s the one who is considering straying and she’s projecting her feelings onto you.

You have no choice but to sit down with her and talk to her about everything you know about the men she’s in touch with in her life that she hasn’t shared with you. Don’t blame her or put her in a defensive situation. Instead, tell her you found this stuff out and you’d like her to talk to you about it. She may be able to tell you the deepest fears she has which to date she hasn’t. If she’s willing to work through these fears with you and not see you as the enemy, but instead as her partner in life, you can both come out of this difficult period.

However, if she’s not willing to dig deep emotionally, and refuses to accept responsibility for her part in this problem, you are in for a very rough ride and a failed marriage, I’m afraid.

Roll up your sleeves and talk to her. If she freaks out, bear with her and show her you’re willing to stay through her ranting and are committed to getting to the bottom of this problem, but that you’re serious about it, and won’t stick around if she won’t come to the table.

I know it’s hard work, but it’s going to be worth it. You’ll find out more about her, regardless of her reaction. Let me know how it goes, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts