[babyface26]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 10 yrs. Just like any relationships we have are problems but lately I find myself wondering should I just say I’m threw and walk away, she is always leaving she spends more time with her mother and friends then she does with me,when i tell her how I feel she just looks at me and says it’s my fault and that she doesn’t have time for me and she’s not trying to make time for me.i’ve tried talking to her but she just turns it into an arguement which I don’t even understand, I do love her but it feels like she is pushing me away what should I do ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Love isn’t enough to make a relationship last. Compatibility has to be there, and if your girlfriend of ten years ignores your need to spend more time together, you have to decide if that need is a deal breaker or not. If you need a certain amount of time with your partner, and that’s non-negotiable, then you’ve hit a wall in your relationship and you’re no longer compatible. However, if her not spending as much time with you as you’d like is something you can not like but overlook, then the problem is really yours to work on and find things to do without her.

My suspicion, however, is that you’re looking for a way out of the ten year relationship, and want to create a reason for leaving her by using this not spending enough time together as the catalyst. Usually after a year or two, people decide to marry, and because you haven’t, I think there’s something about this relationship that’s keeping you from moving forward. In fact, I think you may have already decided you want out, and are looking for a way to break up.

See if this resonates for you, and let me know what you decide.
🙂

[babyface26]

I don’t want out of my relationship,for us to be together for 10 yrs. and not be married is odd I’ve proposed to her before she said yes but a week goes by and she said she’s changed her mind because she just said “yes” to say yes without giving it any thought.I’m not perfect I have my flaws,I’ve never cheated or give her any reasons to think otherwise I’ve tried to get her to agree to go to therapy but she doesn’t what to listen or take any advive from anybody,she thinks not talking about our problems is the best way and she has a one-sided view of things how do you deal with that type of person?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may say you don’t want out of the relationship, but when you ask me when you should stop trying with your girlfriend of ten years, I think you’re really asking me to help you realize that you do want out of the relationship, but you’re disappointed beyond words with having to accept that. Your girlfriend clearly isn’t into you the way you are into her. It is very odd that she accepted a proposal and then changed her mind — and you’re still with her considering you feel she doesn’t give you enough time, says your needs aren’t important, and won’t participate in therapy with you. When she changed her mind on your marriage proposal, that was the time for you to move on. Now, you’re just in a power struggle with her, and she’s winning. Not a good dynamic for any relationship.

When someone doesn’t want to work with you, it’s not really a relationship with mutual respect. Relationships work because couples make compromises and sacrifices for each other — mutually. Or, they work because the couple is so, so, so compatible they don’t need to make compromises and sacrifices because they both want the same thing all the time. After ten years, I doubt she’s going to change after all this time. You know her very well by now. And she knows you. What you’ve got is what you’re going to get.

I know you’re disappointed that you can’t get her to bend or miraculously transform into someone you wish she was, but accepting the reality is really the best you can do. When someone doesn’t want to work with you, there’s nothing you can do to make THEM change. But you can change yourself. I think it is time to throw in the towel on this relationship. The future with your girlfriend is just going to be more of the same, and if you want to be married, she’s not the one to say yes, as you already know.

Sorry — I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I do hope it helps.

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