[girlabroad36]

Dear April,

I’ve never posted in a forum before, but the manner in which this past “relationship” of mine ended has been bothering me for over a year now. The gist of it is that I’m 27 and moved countries two years ago (to Europe from the US) to pursue a PhD. I knew no one here initially, so naturally myself and the other students got close pretty quickly…and here is when things got interesting. I have a history of choosing the wrong guy by ignoring my gut instinct and allowing myself to be charmed in grandesque pursuits that ultimately end in my heartbreak. That said, when I met (let’s call him) Mike – a fellow American and total looker in my PhD cohort – I wrote him off with one glance. He was the typical, arrogant jock that I’d been duped by before, so I honestly didn’t give him the time of day. That said, because our “class” was so small, Mike and I started becoming friends, and by a couple months in he was the closest friend I had here. We spent most of our time together hanging out, watching movies, ordering food, discussing our work, etc. and I found myself developing a crush, just like I promised myself I wouldn’t. Everyone we knew assumed we’d been together for months, although nothing physical had happened. However, Mike’s long-time female friend had also moved to the country to pursue a PhD, albeit in a different field. I got to know her through him, and she would confuse me with stories of what a prick he was to girls, but also how much it was obvious that he really liked me and I was the kind of person he needed in his life to straighten him up. She pushed us hard from both sides, so a few months later I caved when about 9 months after we met Mike went in for the kill and kissed me. From there, shit (pardon my French) hit the fan. I very much liked Mike, but it turns out that he’d slept with this friend of his for the first time a couple months back and she went into a jealous rampage when she found out about him and I, threatening to kill herself and throwing literal, public temper tantrums. When he assured me she was a drama queen and invited me on vacation with him and some friends, I hesitantly agreed but was admittedly so excited to give things a shot. Something similar happened when on vacation, another of his female friends from college went berserk as she saw us kiss, and apparently she’s secretly been in love with him for years. The other girls also found out about this vacation and more scary reactions ensued. Needless to say, I started noticing a trend in that he attracted girl trouble, I let myself get into it, and yet he somehow found a way to act as if he resented me for causing him these problems.

Mike started pulling away from me after that trip, and when I approached him about it he initiated so many games and the whole “I don’t know what I want” and “I’m not good with feelings” business. At that point, I abruptly broke things off by telling him that if he wanted something badly enough, he’d know, so to consider himself friend-zoned. We had so many discussions about how important it was to us that no matter what happened we’d stay friends, and honestly as I started out the year having written him off as a romantic interest, friendship was the foundation of our relationship. There’s an undeniable physical attraction between Mike and I (he tried something again months later but I shut it down) but the more I got to know how he treated the romantic interests in his life, the less I wanted to be even remotely involved as one of them.
I can truly, whole-heartedly, genuinely say that – a year after it all ended – I’m over him. One thing that still irks me, really upsets me, and cuts deep, though, is how apparent it is that our friendship meant so little to him. We got along so well and had such a fun time chatting and hopping around town together, but after all of this he just got cold. I know many of the women he’s dated in the past and he’s supremely friendly with them, so there’s obviously something offensive I did that has him turned off my friendship, especially in the presence of these two other girls who live in the same city as us (he used to not have a problem being a completely chivalrous gentleman when they were around). I’m seeing other people, have zero interest in his romantic life, but do wish that we could be friends again. I even approached him a couple months after it ended when he was being cold, and mentioned that while I never plan on crossing that line with him again I really do miss having him around as a friend and hope we can have some sort of true friendship. He was receptive to it at the time, but the way he treated me didn’t change. He’ll show up to my birthday – but ignore me. Message me best of luck on an endeavour – but now only in private. And will ensure that I’m the last person he says hi to when he walks into a room. I’m trying hard to be cordial and friendly but am getting so little in return. My girlfriends are probably right in that I should let it go because he’s “an idiot”, but I just can’t shake the whole not-knowing-why thing. Why can’t we just go back to being friends? Aren’t girls normally the ones who are bad at that? It’s REALLY all I want, or is just something I’ll learn to accept but never understand? There are details to the story that would only make it longer, but they’re superfluous to the context of my question (I think, anyway!).

Anyway, apologies for the long-winded blurb, but if you have any insight it would be invaluable to me.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Why can’t we just go back to being friends? [/quote]

Because men and women can’t be friends. Friends don’t have sex with each other, or romantic feelings for each other, and in the “friendship” you’re describing, one person always has those feelings for the other, making the relationship dishonest — and friendship is about honesty. 😉 The sooner you accept this tenet, the easier life will be for you. 😀

[quote]Aren’t girls normally the ones who are bad at that?[/quote]

Nope! Men and women share equally in not understanding that they can’t be friends. Usually they try to leverage the friendship into romance, which isn’t very honest, but it’s what people do when they’re lonely or they want the person to be more than a friend.

[quote]It’s REALLY all I want, or is just something I’ll learn to accept but never understand?[/quote]

I can’t say what you will or won’t understand, but you can want lots of things in life, as we all do, but it doesn’t mean we get them, and the sooner you understand what is in your reach and what isn’t in your reach, the happier you’ll be.

My advice is that you stop focusing on friendship with him. He doesn’t want it, and you’ll be a lot happier if you let go and move on. 🙂

I hope that helps!

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[girlabroad36]

Thanks for your reply! I agree with most of what you’re saying save for the “men and women can’t be friends” statement, which I think may be a generalization. I have numerous good male friends from back in college whom I never (and never plan on!) being romantic with, and call me naive but I truly believe that to be reciprocated. That’s a whole other debate, though. If you meant that men and women who were once romantically involved can’t be friends, that I’m slowly learning to be painfully accurate.

I think the bit I may have been less obvious about asking you, however, is “why am I being treated as the exception”? He can float around the city all friendly with every girl he’s dated / slept with since, INCLUDING the ones who have visited him from back home “ex” or “complicated”. So why is it that the guy who claims to be so “laid back” and socially comfortable is unable to treat me with the friendliness he shows to other women of his past. Could it be that I dont fawn over him? ….or could me having resisted the urge to actually sleep with him at any point during our dramatic romance have something to do with it?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]I think the bit I may have been less obvious about asking you, however, is “why am I being treated as the exception”? He can float around the city all friendly with every girl he’s dated / slept with since, INCLUDING the ones who have visited him from back home “ex” or “complicated”. So why is it that the guy who claims to be so “laid back” and socially comfortable is unable to treat me with the friendliness he shows to other women of his past. Could it be that I dont fawn over him? ….or could me having resisted the urge to actually sleep with him at any point during our dramatic romance have something to do with it?[/quote]

Comparing yourself to other women he’s been with — especially after you’ve broken up with him — seems kind of fruitless. The reality is that you don’t know for sure that you’re the exception. It could be that this is how he treated the others until he didn’t — or that he does treat the others the same way, but their reactions are simply different than yours. But you’d be guessing and getting information second and third hand, if at all, if you try to figure this out. And since you’re not dating him, and you’re not with him when he’s with them, it’s impossible for you to know for sure. My advice is to focus on your goal of moving forward — in this case with someone else — and don’t look back, unless you can learn something that is going to help you in future relationships. Wondering about his behavior is less important than wondering about your own. 😉

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