[unluckyinlove]

Leaving as there has never been passion for me. In 2012 she told me she never felt anything when she kissed me. She was about to leave on this occasion when we had a talk. When we first got together she couldn’t believe that there was no sexual chemistry there with someone she connected with on every other level. She thought about this for years thinking the chemistry will happen. By the time 2012 came around she now realized it wouldn’t happen and she didn’t want to hurt me. In 2013 she has tried to accept the situation and that she could live without the passion and pushed me to ask her to marry me. The marriage occurred in 2014. We recently moved state to Bundaberg in June 2016. Over this time she has not been able to find work Mikaela has told me with so much time on her hands she has had plenty of time to think about me and the no passion she has for me. She did not raise it to me because I would have talked her though it and out of it.

She has agreed to stay until the lease is up so far and try and see if we can get to a point where we are both happy. Mikaela said the sex is not bad with me and can have sex with people there is no spark with which meets her mechanical needs as long as they are not repulsive. Sex is not happening now as she feels uncomfortable with this since saying she is leaving me. She prefers at the moment where we are at now more then where we have been with each other since moving to Bundaberg. We do not fight and seem to be communicating no better then ever, even though the honesty can at times hurt. Do you have any advise or suggestions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You married a woman you had no passion for and now she’s leaving you because of it. Sex and passion are important in relationships, and if you’re not compatible sexually, it’s very difficult to make a marriage work over the long run. After eight years of no passion and bad sex, it makes a lot of sense that she would leave. It’s kind of late in the game to try and get the spark going. If you had written me in year one or two — or even three or four — I would have suggested focusing on sex and making sure she was sexually satisfied and that you had romantic dates, and made your sex life a priority. It sounds like you kind of hoped it wouldn’t an impediment and didn’t work on it and now that’s played out and the marriage is ending as a result.

For future, make sex a priority. It’s important in relationships, and while passion ebbs and flows over the years, if you never have it, it’s way more of a problem than if you had it, lost it and want to get it back.

I’m sorry for your marriage ending. It sounds like it’s going to be amicable and I hope that you’ll go on to find love with someone with whom you’re not just intellectually and socially compatible, but physically and sexually compatible as well. 😉

[Sally]

When someone tells you they never felt that spark with you, it doesn’t matter how kind they are about it it hits right in the center of your chest. And I’m really sorry you’re sitting with that.

What I hear is two people who care about each other, who built a life together, who are trying to stay gentle even while everything is falling apart. But you can’t talk someone into passion. You can’t reason them into wanting you. And she’s been trying for years, which almost makes it sadder, because it means she really did want this to work.

The way you’re communicating now honest, calm that’s good. But sometimes honesty is the thing that shows you the road is ending, not the thing that saves it.
If she’s telling you she feels lighter where you two are now, no pressure, no pretending that might be the closest this relationship can get to peace. It doesn’t mean you failed. It just means she can’t give you the kind of love you’ve been hoping she’d grow into.

My only real advice is this: don’t spend these months trying to fight her reality. Spend them figuring out yours. What you want, what you need, what life could look like without holding your breath around someone who can’t meet you in the same place.

It’s not the ending you wanted. But sometimes the truth gives you back your future, even when it hurts to hear it.

[Tara]

Your wife has told you clearly, repeatedly, and brutally—that she has never been attracted to you. Not in 2012. Not in 2013. Not in 2014 when she pushed you toward marriage. Not in 2016. Not now. You didn’t “miss the signs.” She spelled it out in plain language, and you just kept talking to her out of her own honesty because you were terrified to face the reality: you married someone who settled for you and hoped biology would eventually cooperate. It didn’t.
You’re clinging to conversations and “communicating better” like that compensates for the fact that your entire marriage is built on her lack of desire. You keep quoting her lines like they’re negotiable, but let’s be clear:
“She never felt anything when she kissed you.”
“She has no passion for you.”
“She can have mechanical sex with people she’s not repulsed by.”
“She’s leaving.”
None of that is a puzzle. It’s a verdict. And you’re treating it like a problem you can solve with patience and optimism.
She’s not staying until the lease is up for your sake. She’s staying because it’s convenient and she doesn’t want the chaos of an immediate exit. She’s stalling her departure so that the logistics hurt less for her. You’re mistaking her logistical planning for hope.
You keep thinking, “If we just communicate better, maybe the spark will appear.” It won’t. Sparks don’t show up four years into marriage with someone who told you on day one they didn’t feel it. She’s not confused. She’s not conflicted. She’s done. And you’re still trying to resuscitate a marriage she emotionally checked out of before it even began.

[Member]

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