[Moonatic]

dear april,
my bf and i have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now. unfortunately, we broke up, because i took his air away and after the break up, i talked really bad behind his back and also told him really bad things…..then we got back together again. he told me that “too much of his feelings are broken”…still we are trying. 2,5 weeks ago he had a business trip into my country (we are out of the same country). well…he came to visit ME…not his parents, his brother or his friends. he didnt tell them, he was in germany. we had a good time and he told me, he loved me…..after 6 days he went back……since that he is dinstanced…i asked him, why he was behaving like that. he told me that when his feelings start to “rebuild”, i was destroying them again.(that was yesterday) today he called me and he was really nice…joking, etc. i total i dont understand him…he calls me everyday, but is still distanced…when im not distanced (cuz i was because he was that cold) he is normal and nice. is he still trying to forgive me? can you tell me whats going on with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Moonatic]

i am 24 and he is 30.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Long distance relationships can work, but they’re difficult. It’s a good idea to keep an “end date” in mind at which point you realize that you’re going to move to the next level, whether that’s living together or marriage, or else realize this isn’t working. Since you’ve been dating for three years, you should be at that point by now.

I’m not sure what “taking his air away” means when you say that that is why he broke up with you. It sounds like it’s something that could have been worked out within the relationship, unless he decided it was a futile cause. I’m not sure again, what is meant by his saying that you’re “breaking his feelings” as a reason for distancing himself.

It sounds like he’s using excuses to keep you around, but not commit. Give yourself a time frame at which point you decide that the relationship is where you want it to be, or else it’s time for you to move on.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on at Twitter.

[Moonatic]

so my bf and i are “back on track”. in the past i used to spy on him on f****book a lot. now he can do there what he wants…unfortunately i am pretty sure, he is flirting there with other women 🙁 i also asked him about it and he said, he was not flirting with anyone and if i dont stop controlling him, he will break up with me again. there are several signs, he is flirting with other women…somehow i can understand him, because the conversations we had always ended in a fight….since i know, he is flirting there with other women, i gave up to ask him abuot it….because he wouldnt tell the truth anyways….. i am scared, he wants to meet another woman secretly in person now (when he comes to germany for a visit). in the beginning of our relationship he also wanted to meet another gilr and flirted with others online…..he stopped that, when i caught him and promised me to never ever do that again. i think he is maybe not quite sure, wether our relationship is going to last (because of those fights during our last conversations). so my question is: how can i make him stop doing that? will he ever stop doing it?
the last two days were really nice and yesterday he told me on the phone that he loves me a lot (i hope he means it).

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As I wrote before, you need to have an “end date” in mind. Three years is a long time in a long distance relationship. Decide what you want — and how long you’re going to wait for it. At some point, if you’re both ready to move in together and/or get married, you’ll need to be in the same city. If you don’t think this is going to happen, then consider that he’s not serious about you.

Since you’re long distance, and you know he’s flirting with other women, rather than make him stop (you’re not his mother, and I’m quite sure you don’t want to be), consider why he’s doing this. Either he’s lonely and feels that the flirting is harmless, or he’s looking for someone else because he’s not committed to you. Your fear that he’s going to see another woman when he’s in Germany visiting you, doesn’t give a reader much confidence in his commitment to his relationship with you. Is there a good reason the two of you aren’t in the same city at this point?

It isn’t clear why you were having problems. You mention that you “take his air away” and that he says you’re “destroying his feelings” but I’m not sure what that means in real life. If these problems you’re insinuating are fixable, then you can try working on them, but if they’re not, I hope you’ll do what I said and pick an end date on the relationship at which point you realize this man is giving you what you want for yourself, and that the relationship is where you want it to be, or if not, that it’s time to move on.

[Moonatic]

his behavior has changed a little since we are together again: he came for a secret visit (he didnt tell his family, he was in germany, which he has never done before. he came just to see ME. he tells me, that he wants to live together with me and that he loves me very very much and he wants to go (and pay) on vacation with me, when i will visit him in september. by “taking his air away” he means, that i controlled him too much..asking questions like “who went with you to the party, checking him out on facebook, who was sitting next to you,etc”. i also was leeching on him (text messaging him a lot, wanting him to call me every day)….that made him feel like in a cage, he told me. well today he is going to turkey to visit some of his relatives….he told me that he will go for a couple of days to a party place far away from his relatives location. (with one of his friends from germany who is also on vacation there.)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I get the feeling you’re ignoring my advice about an “end date”. 😕 I know it’s a hard line to take, but after three years, you have to really need to have a plan in place.

[Moonatic]

sry, i forgot to tell you tel plan……the plan is to finish studying in germany (because i still go to university here and at his location it would be too expensive)…after i will have finished studying (which still takes about 2 years) he wanted to move in together with me. unfortunately, he didnt call me yet from his holiday in turkey 🙁

[Moonatic]

i also think he could be a narcissist…i read a lot about it and its usually very hard to tell wether someone has this kind of disorder or not…..how can i make that sure?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Five years is a long time to invest in a long distance relationship. 😕 I don’t think he’s a narcissist. I think he’s just not as into the relationship as you are. It seems like he’s keeping his options open because the distance allows for that.

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