[emmarie]

I am a 19 year old girl, finishing my first year of university, in Vancouver, away from home. I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is a year younger, finishing high school, so for the past 6 months we have been in a long distance relationship. Long distance has been very hard on the both of us and just after Christmas, we did break up for just over a month because it didn’t seem like either of us were willing to move cities to be with the other. The break up was very hard on me, and just as I was finally putting myself together, he came back into my life. Talking to him and having him apart of my life again has been wonderful, and it feels right. Now, he wants to follow me to Vancouver with no solid plans for going to school or getting a job while here, mostly just talk of it. He tells me he will figure it out when he comes. He is still very unsure about what he wants to do with his life and future. I am worried that he is being immature and naive about his decisions and that he is taking too many risks. I am concerned that he isn’t coming to Vancouver for any solid reason except to be with me. Is that a valid reason on it’s own? I have a life built here for myself, while he does not and I am worried I will be his only support system and that our relationship could become unhealthy. He’s my best friend, I love him very much and want nothing more than for him to be apart of my life. Should we take this risk; have him follow me and then figure his plan out after, or wait another 6-12 months for him to find something for himself in Vancouver, either a solid job offer or an acceptance into post-secondary? Long distance is no fun and I would rather not wait, but I also want to be smart about it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking good questions and your instincts are good. He is moving to be with you — without a net. He doesn’t have a job lined up. He doesn’t have housing lined up. He doesn’t have a college admissions offer lined up. And you’re feeling like you’re going to be responsible for him, and you don’t really want to be. You’re also feeling guilty about not wanting to be responsible because you love him — but if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re going to resent him, in addition to being unhappy and unsettled.

My advice is that you talk to him about plans. I’m not talking about an emotional, heart-felt talk. I’m talking about the kind of conversation that couples who go the distance, have regularly. Long-term, adult relationships aren’t just about love. They’re about managing the relationship. This can be talk of bills and housing costs, as well as whether to have kids. It can be talk of how to manage the big bill on the car repair and forfeiting a vacation as a result. It’s not sexy. It’s not glamorous, but it’s what keeps relationships and feelings in check.

Tell him you that you love him, but…. you would feel a lot better about the relationship if he has a plan in advance, and that you’d like him to consider postponing his move until he has one — whether it’s a job already lined up, an apartment with a roommate ready to lease or a college admissions offer. This will either get him revved up and working, or realizing that he’s in over his head and this isn’t a great idea after all. Then, consider some alternatives. For the cost of his moving here, the two of you could plan a road trip instead of his moving here. Maybe take a week or two in the summer and go somewhere fun together. Or…. decide that although you love each other, it’s just the wrong place, wrong time for you and that this isn’t going to work long distance, or in-town because of where you both are in your lives.

Hope that helps and maybe spurs some of your own thoughts. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[emmarie]

I am obviously emotionality attached to this person, and it makes me very sad to think of my life without him. My question now however, when does this level of attachment become unhealthy? How do I know when it’s time to take a break from a person? Is it ever okay to allow your love for someone to overwhelm you like it has me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]My question now however, when does this level of attachment become unhealthy?[/quote]

Emotions become unhealthy when they interfere with your everyday life and you start becoming someone who doesn’t function well.

[quote]How do I know when it’s time to take a break from a person? [/quote]

When you’re not getting what you want from the relationship.

[quote]Is it ever okay to allow your love for someone to overwhelm you like it has me?[/quote]

I don’t think it’s overwhelmed you — because you seem to be functioning just fine. I think you’re in love with someone who’s incompatible with you and that’s tough to wrap your head around. Usually people break up because there’s some drama — cheating, abuse, fighting, falling out of love — but when one of you moves out of town for college, what’s made you compatible before no longer exists. Long distance relationships are tough, and your boyfriend is very young and doesn’t have the life experience to understand the pressure he’ll put on the relationship by moving to be with you “for love” — without a job, a college admissions offer or a place to live. What used to be is no more. It may be someday down the line — or not. But that uncertainty is uncomfortable for you. 😳

[Member]

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