[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 22, he’s 23 and you’ve been in a relationship for almost four years now. It recently became long distance, and that changes things. Long distance relationships are a lot tougher than in town relationships and require a lot of patience and understanding to make them work. It sounds like he’s taking his second trip in two years, with these three women, without you. And he tells you about the trip — but not until the last minute — and this makes you feel that you weren’t part of the decision for him to go, or the planning, which would have made you feel better. It sounds like this trip with these women makes you feel like your relationship with him is less sacred — whether they’re platonic or not. That he’s now taking this one trip to a place you always wanted to go — without you — makes your relationship with him feel less special. 🙁 I get it.

If you want this relationship to work, then you have to take a different attitude. Instead of seeing his going on this trip with his female friends as a takeaway, be positive about it. See if you can get him to invite you! Ask him, in a flirty way, if you can come, too! And/or, see if you can brush this trip off as just part of who he is. If you can, he may do so, too! Sometimes when we give something uncomfortable attention, it becomes worse. You’ve tried to get him to change. That didn’t work. See if you can be the one to make some changes. 😉 So, ask, in an upbeat, flirty way, him if you can come with! His answer will be revealing.

If, however, you can’t let this go, then maybe it’s time to see the relationship as less serious, from his point of view, than it is from yours. Some 23 year old men are not ready to settle into monogamous relationships and this new long distance situation has given him opportunity to test the waters beyond the relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wow — that’s a tough call because your job disallows you from contacting passengers for dates — and that’s exactly what you want to do. 😉 If you really want to be bold, you could ask your company if you can date a former passenger, if you quit. Definitely clear it with them, so you don’t end up in violation of an agreement you had. And be upfront. As much as you’re interested in her, you don’t want to wind up on the wrong end of a law suit. But quitting to try and get a date with someone is pretty extreme. You could just wait and see. After all, she’s got your number, and if she’s as interested as you are, she’ll find a way to reach out. Otherwise, consider any part of the conversation in which she might have mentioned things she likes to do or places she likes to frequent. Those might be clues to help you hang out at a restaurant she mentioned or a park she said she likes. Definitely don’t take it to the stalking level — especially since you know where she lives. But if you bump into her at a coffee shop near her home or see her at a mall near her neighborhood, that seems like it’s fair game to say hello and get the ball moving. 😉 It sounds like your company is okay if someone asks you out, but not the other way around, so if there’s any way to put yourself into that situation — long shot that it is — that’s your best outcome. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should wait to make the next move. The reason is that it’s going to make you look too needy if you follow up this soon. I know it’s tough to hold back, and I know that you want closure quickly and you want to find out if you’ve got a shot right this second, but I think you will look more measured, mature, and interested in the long haul with her, if you rein in any impetuous behaviors. So, if you can, wait. Give it a week if you can, before responding.

When you do contact her, don’t lead with her rejection of your social media request. You both know it’s happened, so don’t bring it up. It’s a negative, and you want to keep things upbeat. Instead, lead with how beautiful she looks and how you now realize your mistake about saying you wanted friendship and how you were trying to fool yourself because you want so much more than that with her and for her. As for the roses — that was just me tossing out a grand gesture. Use whatever works for her — but make it about her. Stay focused on the goal, which is not to express your emotions — it’s to win her over. The song you wrote is great, but make sure it’s something she would want more than something you want to give her. Make this about her. Keep your eye on the goal and strategize. If you slow down and don’t react, you’re more likely to make this next connection a more powerful one. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset.

Give yourself (and her) some space between your last friendship request and your future romantic request. Wait a few weeks before approaching her again. When you do approach her, you have to take a completely different approach and master the art of the apology. You hurt her feelings when the two of you were dating, and she broke up with you because she was hurt. If she’ll give you another chance it will be because she sees that you truly realize what you did wrong — she is going to want to see you being the one who did something wrong, so even if it wasn’t you, let it be you for the sake of this step in the process. And, she is going to want to see that you’ve realized your mistake and how you’ll do things differently if she’ll give you the chance. This can’t be a typical request for a date, because the two of you have history together. You can’t pick up where you left off and you can’t act as if it didn’t happen. You have to make a grand gesture that accomplishes your goal. Focus on the result, and try not to get caught up in feelings or petty details. Send her a dozen roses. If that doesn’t work, go bigger. What you’ve been doing isn’t working, so change course. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, lose the guise of getting back together because you want to be [i]friends[/i]. Be honest with yourself, and with her. You don’t want to be friends. You want more. 😎 And understand that from her point of view, your popping up, seven long years after the break up, to ask for friendship, sounds ingenious. 😕 That’s probably why you’re getting no response from her. It’s much more effective to be honest in relationships. You may risk rejection, but you’ll cut to the chase a lot more quickly than if you try to use an offer of friendship to leverage yourself into her life. If she did take you up on the friendship offer, she’d learn eventually that you want more and there’d be confusion and reconsideration. So, be up front from the start. 🙂

Second, understand that she broke up with you because she wasn’t getting the attention in the relationship she wanted. It sounds like you were preoccupied with work, illness, etc., and that the relationship fell apart because of neglect or disinterest on your part. Even though she dumped you, she did so because she was hurt. She felt rejected in the relationship — so if you’re coming back and wanting a second chance, address that issue. 😉 Show her you’re not someone who will do that again. Make a grand gesture with roses and an apology and an offer for a romantic dinner. It’s been seven years — if you’re going to stand a chance, you have to make a splash and let her know why she should say yes, and what’s in it for her if she does.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. It sounds like you thought this was more monogamous and committed than it is. But don’t despair. This is actually an opportunity, even though it may not feel like one, to get some clarity. The reality is that your boyfriend is 73 and married. It’s very sad that his wife has advanced Alzheimer’s, but he still considers the marriage valid to some degree, and if you’re hoping to get married, you may want to reconsider this relationship as a marriage possibility. Clearly, the two of you have had a commitment, but the degree of that commitment seems to be changing.

It sounds like even though he’s married, he’s jealous when you go out, in addition to which, he’s got a relationship of some sort with this widow. In other words, you have a lot of competition — in both his commitment to his wife, and this other woman. He’s also give you a head’s up that the two of you are not engaged, so you’re still single — and I think that was hurtful to you because of your feelings and commitment to him.

His recent silence is an indication that he doesn’t want conflict or drama. So, if you want to win him over, put down the boxing gloves. You’ll catch more bees with honey than vinegar, as the saying goes. He is looking for companionship, sex, someone to be a social partner, and maybe more. If you want to give him that, and you can have your needs fulfilled while doing so, go for it! But, if you’re upset that he’s married, or seeing this other woman, don’t push him away with conflict. That won’t work. You’re going to have to win him over with love and affection. If you’re too angry to do that, consider that he may not be able to give you what you want — and that’s clarity.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The first thing you can do is to accept the challenge! You’ve got competition. Rise to the occasion. You’ve focused on the problem, now focus on a solution. Use your charms to entice your boyfriend to want to be with you. Instead of complaining about his friend, John, ignore John and focus on the two of you. Sometimes, when you give a problem energy, it grows. If you let it go and don’t give it attention, it fades away. So, change your behavior and your attitude so you can win your boyfriend’s attentions.

Second, you can turn the other cheek towards John. He’s obviously upset about his breakup and he’s projecting his feelings onto you and your boyfriend. You’ve felt attacked, but if you can diffuse the situation by offering to have lunch with him, go for walks with him, and talk to him like a good friend, he may change his tune. He’s probably jealous of your boyfriend for having you and because misery loves company, he’s looking to make some misery. Don’t let him. Buy him a present. Make him cookies. Be a friend he values and doesn’t want to lose.

Third, consider finding a place to live that is just for you and your boyfriend — without roommates. Whenever people have roommates, there are potential complications beyond the norm. Since you and your boyfriend are newly living together, it’s important not to create drama, and instead, focus on what’s fresh, new and positive. 🙂 Find some one bedroom places to rent and show him how excited you are to just look at them. Just to see…. 😉

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When a guy stops showing interest, it’s either because he doesn’t like you as much as he first did or because he’s met someone else he likes better. Either way, it’s tough for a 20 year old, like this guy you’ve been dating, or a guy at any age, to tell you why he’s rejected you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and even though he has, he doesn’t want to see your hurt. He just wants to move, and he’d prefer you be okay with it all. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to!

I know it’s disappointing to be rejected, but dating is a way to get to know people, and when you do get to know each other, you find out about them — and yourself, and yourself with them. You may not like everything you learn and you may see incompatibilities that make you want to move on. It could be that one of you wants more than the other, one of you isn’t that fun or lives too far away, or simply because one of you isn’t as interesting as someone new you’ve met. Because he’s not being frank with you about why he’s moving on, you’ll probably never know the exact reason. But the reality is, he’s moving on, and you’ve only been dating him since November — so there was always a chance something like this would happen. I usually recommend that you use the first six months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous — and if you use that rule, you’ll understand that this kind of thing may happen, so you’re not so hurt.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 31, he’s 32 and you’ve dated for three years. If you are not sure about a wedding that is scheduled to take place next month, then you should postpone it. Time may help you feel more confident about marrying or not marrying. However, with a request for postponement, he may feel that if you are not ready after dating him for three years, then the two of you are just not a match, and and he may want to move on. He may feel that he’s shown you who he is, as have you, him, and if you still have doubts, then he would like to move on and find someone who doesn’t. If you are okay with that — or even relieved by that thought — then chances are, this isn’t a good match for you. But if you worry about losing him, then you may just have pre-wedding jitters.

His being stressed out over health issues is normal. That it drained you requires you to develop boundaries within the relationship. 😉 His impatience and quick fuse aren’t out of the realm of normal — and you also describe him as caring. You say he’s smart but suffers some social issues that have kept him from getting ahead — maybe you can help him with this, or accept it. And his parents would not be the first set of in-laws that prove to be a challenge for a new couple, if you and he marry.

You haven’t mentioned anything about him that is a red flag — but the fact that you have mentioned all of this makes it sounds like you have doubts about marrying him because either he’s not “the one” for you and there is someone better suited to you still out there, or, perhaps you’re not ready to be married and settled with all the compromise that marriage requires of people with foibles. People marry for all sorts of reasons, and what you describe in your fiancee may be fine for someone else, but a series of deal breakers for you. You have to decide if you are ready to be married and if so, if he’s the someone you want to be married to! Feeling trapped is awful, so use these next few weeks to try and figure out if you want to postpone the wedding, call it off, or nurture yourself through cold feet. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know it’s disappointing, but he’s not as into you as you are into him. If he was, he’d ask you out or start making plans for a date. 😉 Whenever you’re confused about a relationship, look at the behavior to understand what’s happening. You had one date, he’s not making any moves to rekindle romance, for him, this isn’t that big a deal. Take the adjectives out — because they’re confusing. Just state the facts. 🙂 When you start talking to yourself about how much he liked you, how you caught each others’ gazes — you’re trying to convince yourself of something that may not be happening. If you just state the facts, it’s easier to get out of that state of confusion about “what happened???”.

I believe he liked you a lot — but sometimes people aren’t into relationships, as much as they are dating, and you learn that through their behavior. When you meet online there’s a lot greater chance of that happening because people don’t feel as guilty when they don’t see you in real life after a date that they’re not thrilled about, or that wasn’t a turning point in life for them, as it was for their date. Sometimes they’re simply playing the field and they’re busy or more interested in someone else than you. And sometimes they like you, but they’re just not excited about exploring things. Dating is a process and you’re in the process. One great date doesn’t equal a relationship — or even a second date!

For now, play it cool. Stay in touch, but don’t invest a lot of energy. Since you’re going to be in the same city as him this summer, you’ll have a much better idea then, where this is going. Long distance — even four hours — is a lot more difficult to launch than an in town relationship that’s easy. And I think that plays a part in this failure to launch. You should play the field and date other people, but keep in touch with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so sorry about the death of your boyfriend. 😳 It’s a shame that his parents can’t connect with you in a positive way, even now. But since you’ve tried, and failed, it’s time to just be frank with them. Write them a letter and explain that you are devastated over the loss of your boyfriend, but you are also very concerned that they have photos of you on his phone that were meant for his eyes only, and that it’s crucial that they’re returned to you and deleted without being copied so that no one else ever sees them because that would devastate you. Tell them you’d be very grateful for their cooperation, and request that they please confirm the photos are deleted. You have to say exactly what it is you want from them — you can’t play coy at this point. Hopefully, they’ll respond and do as you ask.

However, if you don’t hear from them, then you should consult an attorney because this is really about your privacy and making sure nude photos that belonged to him, don’t get blasted on the internet. There’s also some question over who owns the photos — and whether or not your boyfriend had a will, and if you were named in that will in any way. So, try and be graceful and direct with his parents, but if you don’t hear back from them, then I think you need to consult an attorney because if they won’t cooperate, this becomes a legal relationship — not just your strained relationship with the parents of your deceased boyfriend.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s a great idea for you to take the high road. Chances are that the guy she’s with is going to show his true colors with her at some point – he was dishonest with you, and that’s probably not going to be an isolated incident. Eventually, she’ll see through him. So, good plan for you not to stoop to his level. 😉

As for the summer, I think you should accept her invitation to visit. But….because you’re so sensitive, consider bringing a friend. The friend shouldn’t be with you when you meet up with her — at least not for the whole time…. Maybe he can stay at a hotel nearby or with friends. I think that your just knowing you’ve got a support system, in case things get intense for you, will help.

I know you want to see her and you’re really invested in her, but try to balance your life — stay healthy so that when you do see her, no matter what, you don’t across as desperate or needy. Those aren’t attractive qualities, and being confident, upbeat and fun, are. It’ll be a lot easier for you to be happy with her, if you’re taking good care of yourself. Use the time between now and the summer visit to really get in shape — physically, emotionally, socially and psychologically. Take one day at a time, and do something good for yourself each day.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. 😳 Please make sure you that if you feel suicidal you call for help [b]immediately[/b]. Your life is important. 🙂 Call the police, the hospital or a good friend or family member for help if you even think you might be going into that dark place. Okay? 😉

It’s really hard when you compete for someone and don’t get the prize — but it’s a double whammy when you find someone you thought was coaching you, was actually working against you. It sounds like you feel that your friend betrayed you. That’s gotta be difficult. But…. my advice is to try and forgive and move on. Your friend who got the girl, should have been honest, but didn’t have the self esteem to be straight up with you. A conversation you might want to have with him might be about how he hurt you — and that you hope he can find the courage in the future to be honest and upfront — even when it’s going to disappoint someone. That’s the definition of maturity and true friendship. So, try to feel sorry for him — instead of yourself. He may have the girl, but he didn’t get her with integrity. Living with good character is more important than getting any love interest. 😉

That said, you [i]are[/i] going to get through this. And the best way to do so is to focus on getting yourself healthy and happy. Try to make yourself the star of your own life. 😀 Get out there and date other women. Invite them to have coffee. Smile at strangers! Volunteer and go out of your way to be kind. And by doing so, you’re going to meet new women to date. Also, go out with friends – groups of friends, family members, co-workers, etc. Have fun and do upbeat things — whether it’s going to comedies, taking art classes, trying a new sport, or just hitting the gym. When you’re not dwelling on what didn’t happen because you’re busy with what is happening, you’re going to put yourself in a healthy lifestyle, and when you’re being positive and taking care of yourself and getting out there to have fun, you’re going to be more attractive, as well! 🙂 I hope that helps.

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