[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are asking a question on someone else’s thread of posts — and I would love to answer you, but I need you to start your own thread of posts. It’s much easier that way! 😉

Please click on the link above, that says “Ask Question”. Once your question is posted, I’ll look out for it and answer it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s tough getting back into the dating game after being divorced, but it helps to remember that this is a process. Relax into it. Don’t stress. If you can balance a focus on the goal, with patience and understanding that you’re on a learning curve, you’ll be fine — and you’ll even enjoy yourself! Dating is a numbers game. You have to play the numbers and put yourself out there, which is much easier to do if you understand the process. Hone down what you want as well as what you offer someone. When you’re not sure what you want, you’ll end dating to figure it out. When you have a better idea what you want and what you offer, you better target successful relationship partners. I think the age range you’re looking for is fine — now, figure out, a little further, what else you want besides that age range. Someone with kids, without kids, career woman, stay at home partner, type lifestyle, background, money profile, etc. You’ll get good at being able to filter out while you hone in and will spend less time on first dates and more time dating smart. 😉

If you feel that you’re getting rejected, try to understand why — don’t impulsive write it off as a bad match. Of course, not everyone is going to be your cup of tea — and vice verse — but you have to know your audience and play to your strengths. For instance, look for women who want to date someone your age, with your assets — don’t ignore what they’re looking for and waste your time. Check yourself, as well. Are you coming off as needy to replace your ex-wife? Or are you at peace with yourself, and hoping to find a life partner without desperation or frustration? When you’ve got your act together, you’re more likely to attract others with those qualities.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The big problem here is that you and your ex-boyfriend are not friends — and you’re trying to be — and it’s not working. 😕 A friend isn’t someone you sleep with. But even if you don’t agree with me on that, I know you’ll agree that a friend isn’t someone who’s there for you when he’s not dating, but is when he isn’t. That’s not friendship. That’s not loyalty. And that’s not where you should be investing your energy. 😉 The big problem is your relationship with your ex-boyfriend because he’s there when he’s single and tells you to stay out of his life when he’s dating someone. So, my advice is to move on and let him go. You had a relationship that ended. He’s not your friend. Next!

As for the micro-dynamics within that dysfunctional relationship, I would have counseled you to distance yourself from the drama. When your best friend confided in you that she was texting your ex, you learned something about her and let that relationship go. Then, your ex’s girlfriend started texting you to dump her relationship problems with your ex on you. Not a great choice on her part, but… I would have suggested you use a boundary with her because her attempt at drawing you into her relationship drama was inappropriate. I would also have told you not to show your ex the texts between his ex-girlfriend and your ex-best friend, etc. — because it was just stirring the pot (a pot you were not really part of). And now, your ex-boyfriend is asking you to get lost so he can try and work things out with his recent ex-girlfriend. Can you see, reading this, how there’s really nothing in this for you, except drama?

Move on. Let your ex-boyfriend go. Focus on healthy relationships — without gossip or drama. 🙂 You deserve that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s using you to get a green card and gain citizenship. 😕 That’s why she doesn’t want anyone on social media to know about you and the relationship she has with you. It’s why she doesn’t tell her friends in Brazil about you. And it’s why she’s rushing the wedding — not because she wants to marry you, but because she wants the benefit the legal status she’d gain by marrying you, that she needs to travel. 🙁 I don’t think she’s doing this for love — she’s doing it to help cure her legal problems. 🙁

Slow down, my friend. You haven’t been divorced a year yet. You need time to heal and figure out why the divorce happened so you don’t repeat mistakes that might lead to another divorce. Don’t rush to replace your ex-wife without getting to someone new [i]really[/i] well! Take a year or more before you get engaged. You’re rushing, and you’re not making a good decision in marrying this woman. She’s got a lot of challenges that she’s bringing to the relationship that you really need to think through and I don’t think you have. For instance… the two fathers of her two children will play a part in your life, as will your two out of state children and their mother. Blended families are complicated, normally — and you’re bringing her legal and long distance problems into a possible marriage, as well as her two kids and your out of state kids who are going through their own reactions to the divorce between you and their mom which is less than a year old. 😕

Tell your girlfriend that you want to date her for a year before getting engaged and married. If she loves you and is committed to the relationship, she’ll be okay with it. And make sure that while you’re still dating, you go to her country with her and meet her family and friends so you don’t have to worry about her harboring a secret boyfriend. As for her legal issues, suggest she work those out first, before considering marriage. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to find a way to bridge the gap between her behavior and your distaste for it. Creativity and patience will help. 😉 For instance, you can agree to disagree on her flirting. You find it distasteful and disrespectful. She finds it harmless and fun. You can both be right — but then you have to find common ground. For instance, would she be willing to accept that you don’t agree about her flirting and still change her behavior as a sacrifice for you? We all make sacrifices in relationships and we do things for each other that we don’t agree with, simply because it’s important to the other person. Or, can you find a way to be okay with her outrageous behavior and subsequent church visits? Or…. can you ask her what she’d like from you in exchange for curbing this behavior. It can be anything — and this is how you start making creative deals within a relationship so that both people win when you can’t agree. And, of course, the reverse is true as well. 😉

You’re both stuck in opposite corners of the metaphorical boxing ring and to get out of fight mode, you have to both want to make the relationship work, and be willing to make adjustments — if not at the same time, then one of you budge on this one and the other budge on something else in exchange. That said, if you both feel that this behavior is a deal breaker (she refuses to give it up, and you refuse to be a part of it), then you have no choice but to go your separate ways. But I hear you saying you miss her after breaking up over this, and that’s an indication that you’re ready to make some sort of deal. To get her back in the game, you’re going to have to apologize and bring flowers. She’s got her back up and you’re dug in. Give in, see if the two of you can make the relationship more important than this upset, and come up with some offers that show you’re flexible and a creative problem solver in the relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for sharing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi there:

Please start your own string of posts! That way if the person who originated this one wants to post a follow up question, their posts are in one place.

You can start one by by clicking on the Ask A Question link on this page: https://relationshipadviceforum.com. I’ll look out for your question! I’d love to help you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Long distance is a lot harder than an in town relationship, and I always advise that you have to give each other way more slack in a long distance relationship than in an in town one. It sounds like you’re both having trouble giving each other that space in a long distance relationship because you want commitment and he wants someone to be with, in a way that the distance isn’t affording him. That’s why he’s seeing this other woman who’s in town. I completely understand why you’re upset about it, but the problem is, you’ve only been dating six months — and that entire six months has been long distance. In general, in an in-town relationship, I suggest you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating that person, and if you do, the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. Long-distance relationships take longer than that six months to decide monogamy because you don’t have the luxury of seeing each other several times a week, to get to know each other and the relationship. So, in addition to the distance challenge, you’ve got a timeline that you’re rushing. You’re not wrong — but you’re making it tough on yourself and the relationship when you’re long distance, at the six month mark, and expecting a commitment that a) needs more time to develop and b) may just not be there for him.

In answer to your specific questions, he’s definitely avoiding your questions because he doesn’t want to disappoint you. He’s dating this other woman who is in town, and while he has feelings for you, he wants the comfort of a real life relationship that this other woman provides. Texting is a way to distance himself from you — phone calls and real life dates are more personal. And as to what you should do, I think that you really want a commitment that he isn’t ready or willing to give. If you can’t play the field in town, while getting to know him long distance (including getting to know his honesty and commitment levels), then I think you should decide that long distance is not for you and look to date someone in town.

I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry this is so difficult. A break up like this after four and a half years of dating, for the reason he’s giving, is painful all around. I hope that he can work things out for himself because everyone deserves a partner who feels that they can be “all in” — as well as having that feeling of wanting and knowing they can be “all in”, themselves! I don’t know if time will give him what he needs, or if he gets to the point where he realizes he should just jump in and trust that dating you for four years, successfully, is a good start for the next step. But the hardest part of all this is that this is his decision and he’s got to figure it out.

As for you, I think that no contact is a really good idea. You need to not only give him the space to make his own decisions, but you have to decide if you want to wait — and if so, how long. While you’re waiting, it’s important that you take care of yourself and not be sitting by the phone. I know that’s going to be tough because of the length of the relationship that just ended, but you can do things like schedule your lunch with your best friends, dinner with favorite family members and most fun things you love to do, so you’re not sitting around. Be kind to yourself and focus on taking care of you.

I hope that helps and that you heal quickly, from this pain.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s actually being very straight forward. It’s just not what you were hoping for. 😕 His behavior indicates that he wants a professional relationship at work, and a sexual relationship without dating, outside of work. You’re confused because you’re thinking there must be some middle ground — like dating, getting to know each other, flirting at work — but there isn’t for him. Nope! He wants sex outside of work, without a traditional, romantic relationship. And that’s it.

As for what you should do, it’s up to you. If you want a sexy fling, he’s ready and willing. If you’re looking for a romantic, dating relationship that’s traditional, he’s not your guy. When you try to get him to open up, and he shuts down, it’s because he doesn’t want to open up. That’s his way of letting you know, he’s not into romance and dating. I wish I could tell you more, but this one is pretty simple. What you see is what you get.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds like he was embarrassed and angry that he didn’t get your full and undivided attention when he introduced you to his two best friends to you at the New Year’s Eve party where you were on the telephone when he was making the introduction. This is really an etiquette issue — where if he’d seen you were on the phone and waited until you were off to introduce you, this friction wouldn’t have happened. Instead, he expected you to hang up and put him first. And, truth is you could have — but, with no judgment from me, you focused on the phone call. The bottom line is this didn’t have to be a big deal, and unfortunately, he’s still holding onto this three month old issue.

The other thing is that you’ve only known each other a few months — and this is the time when you learn about each other and decide if you want to date and continue seeing each other. I get the feeling you are uncomfortable with his taking this slow — not wanting to have sex yet, going out in a group, making “bounce back” comments about the New Year’s Eve event…. and he’s very sensitive — that combo can be the basis for drama.

My advice is that you take it slow and try to be upbeat. Don’t expect a commitment so soon, and don’t bring up the New Year’s Eve drama again. Let it go. He obviously likes you — but his relationship clock is ticking at a different rate than yours is. Respect his speed and be someone he wants to date — drama-free, fun, interesting, sexy. And let go of the “ick”. Focus on the positive.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s a 45 year old guy who’s never been married… that’s a little bit of a red flag. The second problem is that he didn’t introduce you to his friends or co-workers. When a guy is proud of you and wants the world to know he’s dating someone who is important to him, he will want to show you off. That he didn’t, is a sign that he wasn’t that into you. 😕 And that he was introducing his family to his co-workers means that he wasn’t interested in integrating you into his full life. Flag three is that he didn’t introduce you to his family — always a relationship benchmark. And since he told you that he’d previously dated people at work, and before breaking up with you started taking weekends away with co-workers, I think he was probably looking to these co-workers for romantic and social opportunity. If you add up all those red flags — I don’t think this is because of his culture. I think it’s just him not that interested in you. 🙁 I’m sorry you’re hurt by all this — but I think it’s a good opportunity to remember that if a guy doesn’t introduce you to his family and friends, he’s not that into you. When you notice that’s not happening, you can temper your own expectations — and that’s your part in this. 😉

As for the money, that’s just a little weird and it’s his way of alleviating his guilt for any inconvenience he caused you as a result of the break up. You can give back to him, or spend it — but don’t get all worked up over it. It’s just weird. It’s not nefarious.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re looking for approval from your teenage daughter, don’t. It’s too steep a bill for her to foot. Teenagers are hormonally charged and that’s why they can’t be counted on for an even emotional keel — especially when it comes to blending families with all their dynamics and intertwined relationships. So, just make sure you’re not looking for approval when you think about telling her about your plans to propose to your girlfriend. However, if you’re simply looking to share your good news, before proposing, because you and your children are close and you share things like this with each other, then you should do so with both your children together, at the same time. Test this idea by imagining you’re buying your wife a ten year anniversary gift — would you loop your kids in on the gift process? If so, then sharing the pre-proposal plans, works. Don’t expect bells and whistles from them if they have mixed feelings, but do tell them now, if you feel that this is the right thing for your family. In other words, if it will make them feel more accepting of their future step-mother because you looped them in before the proposal, then you can definitely tell them. The risk is that they’re uncomfortable or angry and/or that you misjudged their reactions, and they spill the beans to your girlfriend, their own mother and their future step-siblings. So temper your decision with that risk.

Ideally, the decision to re-marry is between you and your girlfriend, and the ideal way to handle this is to propose, celebrate with just the two of you in Paris, so you can enjoy this new union, and then, make sure your children are the first ones you tell when you get home — in person. You may get a positive or negative reaction from your daughter whether you tell her before the proposal or after it, and if you’re simply trying to hedge off her emotions by telling her before you go to Paris, you’re thinking short term, not big picture.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re looking for a future with a partner, and while this guy seemed interesting at first, after dating for three months, you have some concerns about compatibility. You don’t need to feel ashamed. You have questions about his illness and a potential life together, and this is the perfect time to talk to him about what you want to know and don’t. In fact, the three month mark of dating anyone is when you decide whether or not you want to continue dating them. So you’re right on schedule! 😉

So, lose the shame — it’s not really serving you. In fact, it’s holding you back. You have to be honest with yourself when you’re dating. Otherwise, you’ll misrepresent yourself and create drama. Talk to him about Lyme disease and ask questions. He’ll probably be relieved that you’re bringing it up and want to know more. If you need to know more, there are Lyme Disease organizations and information outlets that specialize in disseminating information with authority — and these would be great resources for you now.

As for dating someone who is on permanent disability and does not work full time, do some soul searching while you’re dating. Talk to him about how this might work in the future and how anyone he may wind up with possibly having to be a primary bread winner. It’s very healthy to get this out and discuss it with him. But bottom line — you have to learn about you and what you want. There are people who don’t want kids and have to break up with single parents they’re dating and love — because kids are a deal breaker. There are people who only want to wind up with someone of a particular religion or income group — and they have to make tough choices, too. Do what is right for you — because that’s really what is going to be right for him, too. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry for your pain. It sounds like you keep holding out hope that he’ll change and he doesn’t. There’s an old saying that it’s a lot easier to make changes to yourself than it is to get someone else to make them, and if he’s cheated on you the entire marriage, and you’ve been together for six and a half years, the question is, how much more are you will to take? Six years is a long time to hope that a chronic cheater is going to change. At some point, you’ll hit your bottom and decide it’s time for you to make the behavioral changes instead of waiting for him to do so — because I don’t think he will. Your body is telling you that the stress is too much for your health to handle, and you acknowledge that your child is feeling the stress of the family dynamic — these are clues that it’s time for you to change. Not him — you. 😉

I know it’s disappointing that the marriage has failed, but you have to be practical. Your child is counting on you to be there for him, and you deserve health and peace, so use this unfortunate incident to turn your life around. It’s time for you to file for divorce, get a custody arrangement in place, separate physically, and start your own life as a single parent. It’s not going to be easy, but you won’t have the stress of living with a chronic cheater. Believe me — I’m a big proponent of working things out, but if this has been going on for six years, you’re with someone who’s lifestyle is cheating. You can be part of that, or you can move on. Take a breath, and prepare to change your own behavior — by getting out of a bad situation.

[Member]

Posts