[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m a little confused — you’re 30 and you’ve been together for 14 months and you’re asking me what a first date meant…. 😯 What’s going on here? If a guy asks you out on a date, it means he wants to date you. You shouldn’t read too much into it. Since you’ve been together for over a year, it would seem to me that you’re in a committed relationship. Do you have questions about something happening with the two of you now?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re living in different countries, and he’s dating someone in his country, I’m not sure how you can have a relationship. 😕 I don’t understand what kind of “legal” relationship you have, but I don’t see how you can have a romantic one with that kind of distance and no understanding of when you’ll be together, how and under what circumstances. In other words, I think the distance is too much for this to work in a healthy way. So, yes, while I don’t understand your legal relationship, I think the romantic one here is over. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re smart to be asking this question of yourself at the six month mark because this is definitely the time when stronger commitments like monogamy begin to form and a future seems possible. Remember that not everyone feels the same way at the same time in any relationship, and that that’s okay. To make a relationship work you both have to have enough of a commitment to make yourselves and each other happy and peaceful. But since you have some doubts about your own feelings, ask yourself how you’d feel if the two of you broke up, and if he found someone else. Do you have any feelings about losing “the one” to someone else? Test your worst case scenarios in your mind and if you would be okay with him seeing someone else, seriously, and even marrying someone else and riding off into the sunset with that person, then you should let go and move on. If you feel that you’re missing out on dating other people or that you’ll never love him enough to make a strong commitment, then that’s a sign for you to move on. For now, see how it goes a little longer with him, while you ask yourself these questions and test out the answers in your head. Consider a break up, and if you feel good about that outcome, you’ll have your answer. Or if you find yourselves bickering or if you start acting out in other ways by flirting with other guys you’d like to date, then consider that your answer is suppressed.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem with dating married people is that they have commitments to spouses, and after eight years of separation, your married boyfriend has made it very clear that he’s not interested in divorcing his wife, and wants to maintain that marriage [i]and[/i] his relationship with you. Now, after years, she’s suddenly expressing interest in him on social media, and allowing him to vacation with their child and even going with them on the vacation. And that’s just what you know — there may be more you don’t know, and that’s why you’re anxious.

It certainly sounds like she has some interest in the marriage after all this time. It’s hard to know why, but the important thing is that there is interest and your boyfriend is going on a family vacation with his wife and son, without you. While you’re definitely unsettled, there’s an opportunity here for you. You can decide to stay in this relationship, knowing he’s married and that his marriage is special to him in a way that your marriage is not special to you. Or, you can decide that you would rather date someone who is legally single and has less of a blurred line when it comes to a relationship with a mother or father of their child.

Whatever you choose, he’s going on this vacation and he is doing it for his son — but there may be something in it for him, too, romantically. You can freak out with anxiety or you can accept that he has a wife and he has a relationship with her that is becoming reactivated after seeming dormancy. He may come back to you as if all is fine, or he may want to continue seeing his wife to see if that relationship resolves. Either way, you’re dating someone who has a wife, and that person is ultimately important in your life, as well as his own — as you can see in this situation. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If a guy doesn’t message you in a few days, it’s because he’s not interested enough to do so. If you like him, and want him to want you, you have to entice him — not hold him accountable for not contacting you. Instead of making yourself be someone he wanted to contact, you made yourself a responsibility, and that’s not very sexy! 😉 Next time, if you like someone flirt with them. Ask them about themselves. Be someone they [i]want[/i] to contact — not someone they feel they have a responsibility to contact (especially only 3 months in).

Next, understand dating and timelines. It sounds like you were “talking” to each other and hanging out. This is not dating. It’s a step beneath it. When a guy thinks you’re special and someone he wants to make his own, he’s going to treat you that way. When he’s just talking to you or hanging out, he’s interested — but not as interested as the guy who wants to take you out, make sure you’re happy, having a good time, etc. So use that barometer to know where you stand. Also, it’s only been three months. That’s the amount of time it takes people, generally, to decide if they want to continue dating someone they’ve started dating. It assumes you’re both playing the field because it’s too early to commit to someone you don’t know well enough. So remember, you’ve got competition! Dating is naturally competitive, and I think you forgot that.

And finally anytime a guy starts showing disinterest through less frequency of contact, you should pay attention because it means he’s busy or he’s losing interest or both. Empathy is one way to react — because he’s so busy. Trying to entice him to show interest is another. But when you give ultimatums, berate him or break up with him, you’ve sent a message that you’re high maintenance and need a lot of attending to, and it sounds like he decided the two of you weren’t compatible. 😳

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her out on a date! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes. You are wrong. You should never spit at anyone. No exceptions.

And…. you should never try to be exclusive before you’ve dated someone for at least six months. It’s controlling and it’s not realistic. People play the field because it’s healthy to do so. Making an exclusive commitment too soon puts way too much pressure on the relationship and creates drama and mistakes.

I’m sorry that you are so angry and hurt, but you have to figure out a way to control your temper. Spitting on or at someone is never okay.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that you’re ready to be in a relationship because neither one of you is independent. You’re 24 and living with your parents. He’s 26 and living with his grandmother. Why aren’t you each living independently? That’s the first question you need to answer in becoming someone who can be in a healthy relationship with another adult. 😉 If you can’t take care of yourself, you’re going to have trouble being with another person. So forget the relationship for now and focus on the real problem — your personal independence. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your personal anxiety is creating relationship problems. The anxiety seems to be coming from what you describe as 1) “nagging doubts” about the relationship, as well as 2) fear of the relationship ending. People can have doubts and enjoy a healthy, long-term relationship. Doubts and happiness don’t have to be mutually exclusive. We live in a world full of uncertainty so having doubts isn’t a bad thing — it’s normal. However… your behavior regarding these doubts is what will affect the relationship. So, if you can have doubts and be okay in the relationship, then all will be fine. But if your doubts become panic, these panic attacks are more effective at gnawing away at a healthy relationship. That’s why you have to figure out what the panic is about and whether or not you can calm yourself down. You didn’t mention what the doubts about the relationship are, so I can’t help you there, so much. But you did say you were afraid of the relationship ending, and that’s understandable, but when you realize that relationships sometimes do end, and break ups and rejection hurt, and that by being in a relationship these discomforts are always a possibility, you’ll be closer to finding peace with reality. Nobody likes a break up or rejection, but people get over them and go on to find love again, and once you realize that you’re strong enough to be in a relationship that may or may not end, you’re going to be able to let go of your panic.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People lie because they don’t want you to know what they’re doing because if you did, it would upset the status quo. Trust your instincts, your wife of 23 years isn’t being honest with you because she doesn’t want you to know what she’s doing because if you did, it would change the relationship. You don’t need her to prove this to you — you already know it. The question for you is, what’s going on in the marriage that is cause for her to look outside of it. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, and it’s easy to point fingers. It’s more difficult to look at the marriage and try to figure out why this is happening. I can only guess — but you have to ask yourself if the romance has faded, your sex life has waned, if she’s upset about something personal and is acting out with these other men — if you want the marriage to work better, then you have to work on it.

You can start by talking to her about what’s going on with her — but try not to blame her or point fingers. I know you’re upset, but if you put her on the defense, she’s going to come out swinging, or retreat — neither one of these is going to progress the marriage. Instead, start by telling her your feelings about her and what you want — if how much you value you her and why. This sets the tone for one of cooperation. When you talk about the blocked calls express sadness and disappointment, not anger and blame — if you want to work with her, instead of against her. 😉 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you need intervention because you’re in a relationship where there is mutual domestic violence. Go to your local hospital or police station or fire station and ask for help. Explain what happened and tell them you don’t know how to get out of this situation. Domestic violence tends to escalate if one person doesn’t break the pattern. So, go ask for help from someone who is local and in real life, today.

Next, you need to find a way to use your words not your body to express yourself. If something is so upsetting to you that instead of saying it you hit someone instead, you need to find a way to express your feelings without violence. Practice saying what you want to say to that person, alone in a room. Write it down if that helps. Read it out loud. Say it to a friend and ask them for help because you want to use words, but are having trouble doing so.

But don’t forget — get help today from someone in real life. Walk into an emergency room or a police station — because as you can see from what you’ve written, the violence escalated, and it will continue to do so until someone intervenes.

Let me know how that goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not wrong at all. If you don’t want to have kids — or if you don’t want to date a single parent — that’s your choice and there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s great that you know yourself. So be clear and be concise and don’t “talk” to women online who do have kids if you know you’re not going to date them. Doing so just leads them on and frustrates you. You don’t have to explain yourself. Just don’t waste time (yours or theirs). So when these women reconnect with you, don’t respond, or if you do, just be short and sweet — and don’t get involved with people you don’t want to date. It’s not cruel. It’s smart, and in the long run, it’s kind. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re a 26 year old guy who’s in the friend zone! 😕 If you want to get out, you have to commit to getting out. If you want to have a shot at romance, you have to stop being her friend. That’s going to be a big change for you, and it carries risk because it means you only see her (and she only sees you) if the two of you are dating. But if you don’t take this risk and make this step, you’re going to remain in the friend zone and you’re going to have regrets and wonder what if, often.

So, instead of telling her you like her — which is a lot more suited to teenagers than adults — tell her you can’t be her friend anymore because you have romantic feelings and you want to date her. Ask her to go on a date with you for Saturday night. If she says yes, then go for it. If she says no, then you have to move on and let her feel the loss of your presence. By staying in the friend zone, she doesn’t have to date you and she can still have you — but if you let her know you’re a man who wants to date her, and that’s more important to you than being in this awkward situation, you may gain her respect, and her affections. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you moved in with him for financial reasons, and now you’ve fallen in love with him, but he doesn’t want to marry you. In addition to that, you’re kind of angry that he won’t marry you and you feel like a maid and a whore, as a result. You’ve put yourself in a tough situation — but you’re not a victim. You can get out of this if you’d like to. 🙂

First, understand that there are probably financial and legal reasons he doesn’t want to marry you that have nothing to do with your social security benefits — and everything to do with his finances. So, if you don’t want to stay with him unmarried, why not get a job and support yourself? You can do that with him or without him? If you feel like a maid, hire one, so you don’t have to be one. And if you feel that you’re having sex for money, why not have sex for love? That will make you feel better about yourself.

If you don’t want to stay with him, then find roommates to live with. Or talk to your children about moving in with them in exchange for babysitting and maybe paying rent or helping around the house. Once you get creative, you can find solutions to almost any problem. But you have to be open minded and willing to change your own behavior — not just expect others to do so. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I already answered this for you here: . 🙂

[Member]

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