[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s important you have the self awareness to admit weakness, but what you’re describing is really selfishness — not weakness. I know that’s probably hard to hear, but it’s important that you take responsibility for your actions. What you’ve done, and what you’re doing is taking care of yourself, and hurting your wife. When you marry for circumstances, and aren’t honest with that person who married you for love, you’ve created a difficult situation at best. It sounds like you never fully committed to your wife or worked on the marriage, because you stayed in touch with this other woman during much of the 2 year marriage and now want out of this marriage to be with this other woman. Time to do the right thing and work on your character. 😉 Muster up the courage to rip off the bandaid and admit to your wife that you want a divorce. Don’t let your own weakness/selfishness keep her in the game for your benefit. Let her go so you can try and live an honest life and she can have the opportunity to find true love.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a long term marriage that’s feeling a little stale, and you’ve contacted your first love who is divorced. Now you’re fantasizing about what life would be like if you were with her — and not your wife. Lots of people have this type of fantasy and curiosity. Marriage takes work if you want to sustain it, and there are all kinds of temptations. What you have to do is decide if you want to stay in your marriage or not. If you do, then you need to work at it. If you don’t, then you should get out of it before you start dating anyone else. It’s not fair to any future girlfriend, your wife or yourself if you create drama by dating during marriage because you want out. Just walk through the exit door, get divorced and then date — if that’s what you want.

As for your ex, she’s not a friend and if you see her without your wife, it’s going to be a lot more like dating than like friendship, so make sure you’re clear on that. Your feelings towards her are not friendly. They’re romantic. So, make a decision about your marriage — in or out — and then if you stay in it, and want to connect with your ex, invite her out with your wife, to minimize the potential drama.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you and your boyfriend have a compatibility gap when it comes to planning, it would seem natural for you to try to point out to him what he can do differently – and better…. But try something else, instead. If he plans something last minute, and you want to join him, then do — but if you’re busy, don’t juggle your plans for him. Tell him that you’re so disappointed because you would have loved to have done something with him, but you made these plans a week ago. At that point suggest that maybe next time he can ask you further in advance so you’re not so disappointed at missing him. If you modify his behavior by a) using your boundaries, b) telling him with some sugar how much you’re going to miss him, and then c) gently suggesting an earlier plan — you’re much more likely to get your way than if you wag a finger at him and show him right from wrong. 😉

As for your becoming needy or doubtful, that’s something you can work on. Stay busy — you know the drill. And if your doubts become too strong, reconsider long distance. It’s a tough gig, and it requires a mutually long, two-way leash and different types of compatibility than in town relationships do.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you’ve started out describing is more of a legal situation about how to access your bank account, your home and your car. If you can’t talk to your husband and resolve these issues together, then you need legal intervention. You can hire an attorney or go to court to get help without one — but the best situation is to be able to work things out between you if you can.

At the very end of your post you kind of threw in that your husband is cheating. 😕 I’m guessing there’s more to this story because his behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It sounds like he wasn’t always like this, and the marriage deteriorated to the point where he started behaving badly and you lost empathy and started pointing fingers. I don’t know if anyone did anything to deserve this, but both of you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. 😳 I know you’re upset, but it’s important to slow down and get a big picture glimpse of your relationship. 😉 Cheating is a [i]result[/i] of problems in the marriage. It doesn’t matter who’s on who’s side — you have to just focus on what you want now. If you want to work things out you have to look at where you can make things better. But if you just want to end things, then you can do that legally.

Let me know if you have any more questions. I know this is a tough one for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This shouldn’t be about what he wants — it should be about what YOU want. 😉 You got involved in a friends with benefits with relationship with someone you work with who’s seeing someone long-distance. It sounds like you really want a commitment, and knowing that you should look for someone who wants the same thing. When you start out as a friend with benefits, you’re not treating yourself like a girlfriend, so it’s hard to expect anyone else to treat you like one. Be the person you want someone else to see you as. 😉 If you want monogamy, date people who are looking for the same thing. And if you’re distracted by relationships at work, you should probably only date outside the office because the problem with office romance is that if it doesn’t work out, you have to see the person every day. 😳

Instead of focusing on his playing games — focus on your future. Start looking to date outside the office, stay busy and involved, make dates with friends and let everyone outside the office know you’re single and available. Have parties at your home, accept invitations and get out there — shop, go to museums and concerts, take classes, volunteer, join a new gym, and be busy and productive. 🙂 That’s not just the way to get over heartache — it’s the way to meet someone new. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your birthday was a trigger for your because of bigger problems in the relationship. If this was just about your birthday, I’d suggest that you take the lead and ask him to take you shopping for your birthday or show him something you want and ask him to buy it for you or ask him to pick up a cake — some people would be fine with a funny card or dinner at a restaurant, and it takes some time for couples to get their “birthday needs” met, if they have different historical traditions…. but it sounds like there’s more going on here than just your birthday. 😕

He’s got a drinking problem and you’re trying to live a sober life — that’s a big gap in lifestyles! You want family pictures and meaningful birthdays and he’s resistant. After two years together, it’s pretty clear that he’s not who you want in a partner and you’re banging your head against the wall trying to get him to be someone he’s not. I can feel your frustration, but the ball is really in your court. You’re not married. It’s only been two years together — I think it’s time to get out and find a partner who is compatible with what you want for yourself and your kids. I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You married a woman you had no passion for and now she’s leaving you because of it. Sex and passion are important in relationships, and if you’re not compatible sexually, it’s very difficult to make a marriage work over the long run. After eight years of no passion and bad sex, it makes a lot of sense that she would leave. It’s kind of late in the game to try and get the spark going. If you had written me in year one or two — or even three or four — I would have suggested focusing on sex and making sure she was sexually satisfied and that you had romantic dates, and made your sex life a priority. It sounds like you kind of hoped it wouldn’t an impediment and didn’t work on it and now that’s played out and the marriage is ending as a result.

For future, make sex a priority. It’s important in relationships, and while passion ebbs and flows over the years, if you never have it, it’s way more of a problem than if you had it, lost it and want to get it back.

I’m sorry for your marriage ending. It sounds like it’s going to be amicable and I hope that you’ll go on to find love with someone with whom you’re not just intellectually and socially compatible, but physically and sexually compatible as well. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What a mess you are getting yourself out of! Good for you. 🙂 I’m very sorry for your pain — this is a double betrayal by both your friend and your boyfriend. My advice, however, is not to tell her fiance that she was cheating on him. I know it’s easy to want to do that and it seems like it might make you feel better because you’ll have revenge and the truth will come out — but don’t do it. Take the high road. Opt out of her wedding party and her wedding. This is not someone who is your friend or who has good character and it’s going to be a waste of your time to continue to enable her behavior. Just walk away from the mess that you were a victim of. Get your own life back on track and keep the mantra that[i] living well is the best revenge[/i]. Don’t stoop to her level — just walk away with excellent manners and be the class act that you are. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset.

It must really feel like your boyfriend cheated on you. The underlying problem is that you had a break up for eight months, and when you break up with someone, what they do is their business. You’re both free agents when you’re broken up. So, the reality is that he didn’t do anything wrong. Your disappointment is that he didn’t lose his virginity with you — he lost it with someone else. 😳 That’s a big deal and you’re not over that.

It sounds like after you got back together with him, you gave your virginity to him, and now you regret that decision — it may not have been the right decision for you since your virginity was a really big deal, and you were angry at him for sleeping with someone else before you. Nonetheless, you’re living with that secondary issue on top of his having slept with someone else during the breakup. I don’t think you’re over those two disappointments. Also, you didn’t really talk about what caused the eight month break up or whether those issues got resolved prior to your getting back together, or why you got back together again — but it sounds like there are some unresolved issues that are going to be thorns in the side of this relationship, until you work through them.

This is all a lot of emotional work — and it’s painful — but it’s important to understand that when you broke up, what he did was okay because it was his choice outside of your relationship, and that your giving him your virginity may have been a knee jerk reaction or a desperate move, but it wasn’t right for you. I think that this one-two punch may be too much for you to get over and this relationship may be headed for a breakup unless you can process what happened and why.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Long distance relationships are tough — especially when they don’t start out as long distance relationships because you’re used to a certain standard of dating that gets turned upside down when you aren’t in the same area any more. 😳 It’s very difficult to make long distance relationships work because often, one or both people don’t like the absence of dating. They miss having an in town partner, and it sounds like your girlfriend isn’t happy about the distance and is acting out as a result. 😕 I think you need to understand that the distance is taking it’s toll on the relationship. It’s very easy for you to point fingers at her, and for her to point fingers at you — but that’s not productive. You need to step back, get a wider perspective, and understand that it’s not you and it’s not her — it’s the distance that’s the problem. 😕 I know you desperately want this to work, but I think that the distance and the fact that you’re both too young to have jobs that allow you to make enough money to travel and see each other often, makes this relationship and the distance between you, incompatible. 🙁 It’s best to accept this before the two of you take out your frustrations on each other, further. Be happy for what you had, but for now, the distance is too difficult.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you want this situation settled so you can proceed and feel secure in the relationship, but the reality is that you have to give him the time and space to process what the two of you discussed. It’s a big deal for him and for his father, so hang back and don’t press. Let him think about it on his own, discuss it with his family and friends and decide that it’s a good idea on his own. The more confident he is in the idea, the more grace he’ll bring to a move and your transition to living together. I know it’s tough for you not to bring it up — but try. If he wants to discuss it, has questions, or brings it up to rehash, then join in. But don’t you be the one to bring it up. Let him take the lead.

Do be careful when you talk to him about the long distance part of this relationship that you don’t give him what sounds like an ultimatum. You can tell him it’s difficult for you or that you like it so much better when the two of you are together than apart, but if he feels that you’re pushing him or trying to control him or giving him an ultimatum, it could backfire. So try to focus on what you love and what’s fun and interesting, and trust that he’s processing his future move towards you, without discussing it out loud. 😉

One thing you can do that will help is to ask about his dad. Ask how he’s doing. Ask more often than you used to. Send little gifts to his father. If your boyfriend feels that you’re invested in his father and not cutting him out, he’s going to feel that moving to you won’t be shutting out his dad as much as if you don’t ask after his father.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Typically, I suggest that you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating that person, and the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. If you both agree, which it sounds like you and your boyfriend have, I suggest using the next six months to decide if you want a more formal commitment like marriage or living together. The reason for this timeline, is that it gives both people involved the opportunity to really get to know each other without rushing into a decision or a commitment. Too often people commit early, and then figure out that they’re incompatible. The 12 month timeline I like allows you to take the pressure off of rushing to commit and focuses on dating smart and getting to know each other. That said, long distance relationships are a little tougher than in person relationships because you don’t have the same chance to see each other several times a week, casually, spontaneously, etc. Which is why long distance relationships often take more than that 12 month timeline because there are long chunks of time when you’re not together because of the distance. I think the distance along with your feeling of urgency to know if there’s a compatible commitment brewing, is putting pressure on him and on you.

Then, there’s the family commitment that you seem to really understand. He’s committed to his father and you’re in two different places so there’s a lot of heat on him right now, (and on you, too). If he chooses you, his father is left behind. If he chooses his father, you’re left behind. Why not take some of that heat off — in addition to relaxing the time pressure. Talk to him about your moving there, to him, so he can be with his father and you, too. Talk to him about possibly moving his father with him to you, if he comes to you in stead of your going there. In other words make it clear to him that you want to support his family commitment as much as he does and you’re willing to compromise and do what it takes if the two of you decide to make a bigger commitment. He’s going to feel relief knowing that you’re going to share the responsibility and support his values.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he really did ask her to break up with you for him, you’re way better off without him! 😯 It’s a pretty cowardly thing for him to do. 😕 And it doesn’t indicate a good character or someone who’s going to be able to handle the tough things in life, directly, in the future.

But… he may know nothing about this. Don’t assume without talking to him directly that he was behind this. She may just be a drama queen and a trouble maker. So next time he calls you, talk to him about what happened and see if you can get a better idea of where things are with the two of you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Try setting the stage and creating situations where romance and intimacy are possible — rather than telling him how disappointed you are that your sex life has waned. The latter may make him feel responsible and guilty — and neither of those feelings lead to good sex! Instead, try a book I wrote for couples wanting to get the X back in their sex lives, Romantic Date Ideas. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. It’s got great dates at all price points for you to try. Setting the stage and doing your part may get him in the mood in ways you haven’t been able to up to now. 😎

Next, consider that your home is not romantically conducive — you’ve got kids, a father in law, and all the distractions that normal people have that keep them from enjoying a romantic life together. So do things to make your bedroom a sanctuary for romance. Get rid of piles of stuff, soundproof it if you’re noise-inhibited and put a lock on the door. Hotel amenities like thick towels, candles and flowers are all ways to send yourselves the message that this is a love nest, not just a utilitarian bedroom.

And lastly, take a hotel vacation — it can be in town or out of town depending on your budget. Hotel sex is notorious because hotels give you an excuse to leave home (and all the stressors at home) behind. Buy some new lingerie, go a little overboard on the grooming, so you feel romantic, and open a bottle of wine or champagne to celebrate. Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got some control issues going on that you can work on. 😉 First of all, you’re very focused on marriage and this relationship working, and it would be more practical to see [i]if[/i] it works, not to try to force it work. Don’t restrict him — instead give him reasons not to want to stray…. and understand that if he does it’s either circumstantial (you’re in college, he’s in a different location) or he’s not ready for the commitment you’re ready for. Once you stop trying to force a situation and instead allow it to transpire, you’ll loose the stress and so will he. Of course…. you may not get what you want, but it won’t be a battle to the finish.

Next, try to understand and empathize with his career vector. It was your boyfriend’s choice to quit his job, and now it sounds like he’s struggling with unemployment and finding a career path that works for him. This is a big deal, and most men who are interested in marriage are interested in having their careers in place first. He may feel that you’re pushing him towards marriage before he’s ready, and that’s going to create friction in the relationship. So back off and be supportive, empathetic and hang back while he’s figuring out his job situation.

And finally, if you want to make him feel appreciated, compliment him. Send him little gifts and notes. Tell him how good he is at things — not how much he means to you, but how good he is. If he’s struggling with his career, he needs a support system — not a needy partner, and even if you’re justified in feeling needy, it’s not going to move things forward.

Hope that helps!

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