[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, DO NOT send a note or letter to your now ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and baby mama. Stay out of the mess. While it’s understandable that you’re angry that she cheated with your boyfriend while you were dating him, she is not your responsibility nor should she be your concern. HE is the one who had the relationship with you that he betrayed, and HE is the one you should deal with — and you have! So don’t even spend another minute thinking about her.

Second of all, you did the right thing 😀 by breaking up with your boyfriend. He’s a loser. And you know how I know? What kind of guy cheats on his girlfriend and doesn’t use any protection with at least two different women within about a month? A loser. Sorry, but you deserve SO MUCH MORE, and I know you know it, too.

Your now ex-boyfriend should be very busy now having to support two children and making sure he spends time helping to raise both of them. If he’s any kind of a stand up guy, he won’t have time for a girlfriend right now. And if he’s not a stand up guy, who needs him? Not you!

I know you’re having doubts now, and need support because it’s hard to break up with people because those longings for the good times pinch at your heart. Well, it’s time to use your brain and give your heart a little rest for now. Stay clear of this guy, and when you do start dating again, look for someone who has character and self respect so that you don’t end up with someone who’s running around cheating on you, having unsafe sex, and getting other women (plural) pregnant at the same time. This may require changing some of your own behavior and dating different types of men than you’re used to, but I think the outcome is going to bring you a lot more happiness than your recent past has.

Good luck!! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I didn’t realize you’d been dating as long as you had when I posted my last bit of advice to you. But now that I know that this is a long term relationship, it seems like he’s changing his behavior. A change in behavior usually indicates that something is changing in your boyfriend’s life that his behavior is telegraphing. It seems that he’s pulling away from you.

Clearly, you’re not happy about this, and I understand. However, your anger merely shows the discrepancy between what you want and what you’re getting. What would be more productive is for you to be mindful of this change in your relationship, and rather than try and force your boyfriend into behavior he isn’t genuinely interested in showing you, to accept that things are changing and act accordingly.

This means that you can ride things out and see how far they deteriorate, or to press him for a conversation about his lack of interest and check in with him to see if he realizes his change in behavior, and what he thinks is triggering it. This second tact may instigate the road to a break up if that’s what he’s interested in but isn’t copping to directly.

I hope this helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies and while sharing them can create deeper intimacy, acting them out often backfires. There’s a reason people have fantasy lives and it’s to keep their real lives safe. The fantasies are a safe way to explore thoughts and feelings without risking hurt feelings among their loved ones and themselves.

I think it’s great that you and your boyfriend are exploring your innermost thoughts and fantasies, but your boyfriend sounds more conventional than you, and I think if you push him too far you’re going to run the risk of ruining the relationship. Skim this forum for other similar situations from readers and you’ll see that more often than not, a threesome results in a relationship break up.

What you’ve omitted in your post is YOUR feelings about sex, and I”m not sure if you’re looking for more kink and excitement in your own sex life or if you’re just trying super hard to take care of your boyfriend by ferreting out his fantasies and then making them come true by enacting them with him. If it’s the latter, consider backing off and keeping your mutual fantasy lives something you talk about, but tiptoe and baby step into. If it’s the former, consider how important your sexual exploration is when weighed against the value of a relationship with this guy without that exploration. I think you may be incompatible sexually, and the ball’s in your court as to whether you are willing to veer more towards vanilla sex or push the envelope and risk losing this guy because the kink is too uncomfortable for him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My first piece of advice is to spend time with him and date him in person before you marry him. It seems like that could easily be an amendment to your arrangement. That way you’ll get to know him and be better able to decide if he wants you whether or not you contribute financially to the marriage. Your concerns about love aren’t typical of people who are successful in arranged marriages.

If you do decide to go through with the marriage, you can require a pre-nuptial agreement before you marry him as part of the arrangement, as well. Lots of women in the United States have these, and it is a sort of insurance policy to protect both parties if the marriage doesn’t work out. Since your engagement was a business arrangement, it seems logical to also arrange a “pre-nup” contract so that if things don’t work out, you’ll know what you get. You’ll need a good lawyer from the state in which you’re going to be living in the United States, and you can get one by contacting the local bar association in that city and asking for a referral.

It would be helpful to know why you agreed to an arranged marriage in the first place, and who arranged the marriage for you. You should talk more to whomever did arrange this marriage and ask them why they picked this guy for you. You may be enlightened.

It’s impossible for me to tell you if your relationship will work or if he will value you or take you for granted because many marriages where both people know each other for years before they marry fail. People change and expectations of marriage change within the relationship. You can’t control someone else, but you can control you. One thing, however, that will indicate a successful marriage is the amount of loyalty and respect both parties have for the arranged marriage process. Lots of marriages weather tough times because both parties believe in staying married. If you and your fiance believe and invest in the process of arranged marriages then you’ll have a better chance of making it work. But if you don’t, which it’s sounding like right now, the marriage has less of a chance of working.

Frankly, from what you’ve written, you really don’t know this guy well enough to marry him considering you don’t sound like someone who trusts the process of arranged marriages. You do have a responsibility to let your fiance know that you don’t want to obey his orders if you marry him and that you have your own values and what they are. You should ask him if he will value you and still love you if you don’t take your test and work in America. Talk to him about his expectations for the marriage, and express your own to him.

I hear that you want him to struggle to win you over, but that’s not going to happen because you’ve already agreed to marry him without giving him anything to struggle for! 😕 It really sounds to me like this isn’t going to work for you and that you want a more modern courtship and marriage.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the details — and I’m glad I was able to help you.

I have to say — you’re being pretty cavalier about the fact that you’re married, but are living in a house with a female roommate who has feelings for you, and you for her. It’s no surprise to me that you’re looking for another relationship with this roommate that has boundaries that are as amorphous as the ones you have with your wife.

It’s not inappropriate for you spend as much time as you have been with your single female roommate and to share meals and confidences with each other. This is sending a mixed message to her — and frankly, to yourself, as well. When you went into her room, which was off limits since you’re just roommates, you broke the boundaries of a roommate situation once again. You may not be able to admit it, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’re looking for a girlfriend in addition to your wife.

Any woman would be having the same feelings your roommate is having, and until you resolve your marriage it’s inappropriate for you to be roommates with another woman. You’re not someone who wants to keep boundaries clear — you are more interested in attraction and having a relationship since your marriage isn’t working well right now.

Your roommate will either reinforce her boundaries with you or else she’ll have an affair with you and be hurt in the long run.

My advice is to move out and get a place in a hotel or board in a house with other guys and no women. In addition, until you work out your marriage and either commit or call it quits, legally, you shouldn’t be hanging out with women. You’re just going to get into more complicated situations like this one.

I know you’d really like some love right about now, but you have to do your work on yourself first, and that means resolving your marriage.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for clarifying the situation with your ages! 🙂 Since you are all legal adults and live on your own in different places, it seems like the relationship between you and your best friend’s brother is one you both want to explore and should explore. Since your best friend and her brother have their own homes in different parts of town, it’s not like you’re going to be rubbing her face in the new relationship or running into her every time you go to visit him. While you’re all “related” in different ways, you all have our own separate lives, too. That will make dating him easier on all three of you.

Your best friend is probably feeling jealous that she is going to lose you to her brother. While her feelings are understandable, she needs to muster up some maturity and understand that the relationship between her brother and yourself is natural and normal, and that all relationships require adjustments as time goes on. For example, sometimes women marry men that their best friends don’t get along with, and the relationships require adjustments. Sometimes family members don’t like someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend and similar adjustments are required.

My advice is to allow the relationship between yourself and this guy develop and to not spend too much time discussing it with your best friend. I know that’s a tough one because it’s natural to discuss new relationships and dates with your best friend, but you have to respect your best friend’s feelings about this and try to nourish the friendship you already have by talking about things other than her brother who’s going to be your boyfriend.

You can do it. Just be conscious and respectful of everyone involved and don’t lie, but don’t feel the need to spill your guts about every detail of this relationship to your best friend.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry you feel so down and out. If you really feel suicidal, definitely call a suicide hotline or walk into the emergency room of any hospital or police station or fire station and ask for help. Your life is worth a lot, and this problem you’re having IS solvable. 🙂

First of all, I’m sorry that you feel disgraced. It seems like this shame you have is what’s making you feel so desperate. If you can understand that you didn’t do anything wrong, and that your friend’s brother is acting out of his own fear, you’re going to feel a lot better.

If you can try and put yourself in your friend’s family’s shoes, what you’d see is a 26 year old man interested in a 16 year old girl. Although your feelings may be platonic, it’s really hard for her family to understand this, and they see you as a threat to her. Telling them that you’re not a threat won’t alleviate their feelings, [i]but,[/i] there are certain behaviors you can adopt that will help. 😀

Try to make sure that you see your friend who you feel is a sister, in public places or with her family. This will make them understand better that your intentions are familial and not predatory. Sneaking into her bedroom without their knowing you were there sent them into a big worry, and her brother reacted out of fear that you were interested in her sexually. Take yourself out of your own head and look at it from their point of view and you’ll see that they definitely have a point — because they don’t know you! If they can get to know you, then they’ll feel more comfortable with you.

So in addition to seeing your friend in public places and not in her bedroom or any places that could be misconstrued as being a date venue, include her family in any get together you have with her. That way, they can get to know you as a family friend — and if what you truly want is to be sister/brother with her, then accepting her family would be a natural step in your relationship.

It’s going to take some effort on your part to repair the relationship you have with her family because of the sneaking around the two of you have done up to now. The family isn’t trustful of you, and you have to gain their trust — but if you feel really strongly about your friend, then that trust is worth it.

I’d also recommend that you introduce your friend and her family to your girlfriends or dates — if they understand that you actually have love interests that are closer to your age, and your interest in their daughter is, again, familial, then they’re going to be more accepting of your relationship with her.

As for her family hitting her — she should report any domestic violence, which includes her parents or brother hitting her, to the appropriate authorities. These authorities include her high school nurse or guidance counselor or any teacher employed by the high school, her physician, or the police.

All relationships take work — even non-romantic ones. Your relationship with your sisterly friend is no exception. Work on the relationship and on your own ability to empathize with her family, even when what they do isn’t what you would do if you were in their shoes. Understanding and tolerance is required here — and you are sensitive enough to make this work.

Please let me know how you’re doing and what happens next. I’ll be thinking of you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not clear from your post what it is you did that upset your roommate. It would be helpful to know what started this distance between the two of you.

Without knowing, it sounds like your roommate is angry at you and not talking to you, and you are overly upset at her not talking to you so much so that you are crying almost every day.

It sounds to me, from what you’ve written, that there is something bothering you other than this problem with your roommate and that you are projecting your feelings about the failing marriage you are in that you only hint at, onto this relationship with your roommate of 18 months.

What you need to do is to resolve your marriage. It sounds like you’ve run away from your problems — or at least tried to — but your subconscious is reminding you that you have unfinished business to attend to. If you resolve your marriage, an upset with a roommate won’t hurt you as much as this one seems to be.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t tell me how long the two of you have been dating, which would really help to know! 😮 So without that, what I can tell you is that it sounds like you’re making a big deal out of nothing. A man will let you know how interested in you he is with his behavior, and you get to decide whether or not to continue dating him. It’s really that simple!

It does sound like you’re expecting behavior from him that he isn’t ready to abide by, and rather than getting angry at him for not returning calls or texts more timely, I’d suggest that you accept that he’s showing you his level of interest.

He’s not as into you right now as you are into him, so decide what you want to do about that — but don’t sit and stew about what a bad boyfriend he is. You have choices!

My advice is for you to cool it on him a little, and return his calls and texts within 24 hours of receiving them if you want to continue dating him. But if you’d rather cool this relationship down and test the waters to see if there’s a Mr. Right out there who’s more interested in you and you in him, than this boyfriend seems to be, this would be a perfect time to do so.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time to move on.

You neglected to tell me why your boyfriend was sent to jail, and it would be helpful to know that. What I wish for you, without even knowing you, is a man who doesn’t break the law. There are so many men out there who don’t have this kind of baggage, that I hope you’ll value yourself enough to find a Mr. Right who’s strong enough to do the right thing — in relationships and in society. I hope you can find a way to feel you deserve that because I know you do! 🙂

Just because you’ve had a friend since you were five years old does NOT mean that that person is your Mr. Right. In fact many people have best friends that they can keep as friends, but find a way to understand that Mr. Right is someone different than a best friend. Any guy who’s hurt you, cheated on you and broken the law and served over a year in jail, is NOT Mr. Right.

You need to find someone else to date. Not this guy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your feelings are warranted because of your age. A six year age gap is not a big deal — in general. However, because you are only 19 years old, and your boyfriend is your first real relationship, it’s entirely normal and healthy for you to want to have a more active social life than what you have now, and to test the waters and see what else is out there for you. You’re right — he’s finished with his graduate degree work, has a job, and is ready to get married. You’re not.

Now, what you have to do is take care of yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to become resentful and bitter and that’s no way to have a relationship with anyone, regardless of age. A break is definitely what’s called for here. However your concerns about your boyfriend’s trust issues are not your problem, nor should you take them on as if they’re yours. What you have to understand is that he took a risk in dating you, knowing you were 19 (or 18), and that any normal 18 or 19 year old is probably not going to be ready for the same commitment a 24 year old is. So that was his risk that he undertook.

In addition, his past history with a cheating ex-girlfriend is his baggage to deal with. It’s not your responsibility to alter your behavior because of a girlfriend he once had who cheated on him. The reality is you’re doing anything BUT cheating on him. You’re being honest with him about your feelings and your own needs. If you weren’t honest with him, THAT’S when you’d actually be cheating on him.

That said, by breaking up with him you have to understand that he may move on and find someone who is ready to settle down and even marry him. So, be prepared for your break up to possibly be final. That said, you’re clearly not ready to marry him, so while breaking up is always sad, being compatible in a relationship is more important than the sadness of a break up.

It’s time for you to grow up now, and do the right thing for a woman of 19 who is looking for a more age appropriate relationship. I know you’re up to the task, and that you’ll weather the storm of a first real break up.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

For now, you’re going to have to choose between your best friend or her brother. If you do choose her brother, hopefully, with time, your best friend will understand that while your relationship with each other may change, so does life, and that all three of you have the goods to weather any transition you come across. If you choose your best friend, her brother may realize what a valuable commodity you are because you are so loyal, and this may make him want you even more, and be willing to wait for the day when his sister is in a different and/or better place, emotionally, to be okay with the two of you dating.

For now, however, you have to weigh the length of time you’ve been best friends with your gal pal, and the fact that while you may think you’re “in love” with her brother, it’s probably just a crush since the two of you haven’t dated. I’m not sure how old you are, and that would be interesting to know because if your best friend and her brother still live at home and you’re all high school students, it’s a different situation than if you’re all in your 30s and have your own apartments and more separate lives.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Something is bothering your girlfriend, and she’s not being completely honest with you (or herself) about what it is. From what you describe, her behavior isn’t warranted by the fight after three years together. It sounds like things are bothering her more than she’s letting on — or else they’re bothering her more than you’re willing to admit.

It’s hard to make someone want to be with you — in fact, the saddest and most difficult part of relationships is when you want someone, but they don’t want you back. I’m afraid that while you really want this relationship to work out, she doesn’t. It’s hard to let go, especially after three years, but if you keep getting back together, and then she yells and threatens you after each reunion, her method of breaking up with you will be a long term chipping away at the relationship until you both realize there’s nothing there to save.

Love is a great feeling, but a feeling isn’t enough to keep a relationship on track. In fact, many people love each other but can’t be together, and maturity is when you can realize that although you love someone, they’re not a good match for you.

Consider that that’s what is happening here. You may be able to stay together for a little while longer, but I suspect another fight is around the corner, and these blow ups where she acts out in ways that the fight doesn’t seem to warrant are going to be what drives the two of you apart.

I think the relationship is over, but you may not be ready to see it’s end just yet.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t ask him out on a date. ❗ It’s a really bad idea for a couple of reasons.

First of all, if you ask him out you’re taking away his opportunity to ask you out. All my regular readers know that one of the secrets to getting a guy is to let him do what makes him feel great, and for men, that means giving them something to chase. Men love to chase women, win them over, and feel like they’ve gotten the best prize on earth because of the great man they are. When you ask him out, you cut him off at the knees from being that great guy.

Second of all, since you’re already confused bout how this guy feels about you, taking away HIS opportunity to ask you out is going to increase your confusion. If you truly want to know if he likes you enough to date you, give him the opportunity to do just that — don’t take it away from him!

Thirdly, it’s always tricky business to get involved with someone you work with, and if you’re not sure about his intentions, it’s probably best to let well enough alone.

So while it’s cool that you’re crushing on your manager, don’t ask him out.

And while you’re not asking him out….buy my book called Think & Date Like A Man, and read it this weekend! You can download it immediately right here for $15.95 [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You’ll get a lot out of the book that I wrote for women who want to get the man of their dreams — and keep him. Dating will be A LOT easier for you after you read this book, so my advice is to get it and read it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but your girlfriend isn’t interested in getting back together with you. The relationship is over, and the most you can hope to get out of this is some messy communication and a friendship where she tells you about the men she’s dating and sleeping with, and you become more and more obsessive, jealous and unhappy.

The best thing for you is to move on, and find someone who wants to be with you more than any other man in the world. It’s too difficult for you to try and be friends with her because you still want her back, and she’s not really interested. I know you think that her texting you and staying in touch with you is evidence of her possibly wanting to get back with you, but you’re kidding yourself. There’s too much water under the bridge between the two of you, and you gave the relationship a fair shot, but it didn’t work out.

Since you admit to having an obsessive streak, it doesn’t seem like a good idea for you to be in contact with her any more. It’s going to be healthier for you to make a clean break from her and move on to dating other women and looking for Ms. Right.

I know how hard this will be for you, but if you don’t do it, you’re going to be miserable.

[Member]

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