[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t a good relationship for you to be in. 🙁 You and your girlfriend are not compatible, and you jumped the gun by proposing to her after a two month relationship that was partially long distance. She is very young, and at 21 years of age, it is normal for her to want to test the waters and see what life has to offer in — even in terms of men. While this isn’t what you want to know or hear, to ignore the reality is going to plunge you into misery.

Call off the engagement, and understand that the ring you gave her is hers to return or not to return, so don’t make getting the ring back a way of holding on to her. It was a gift. Next, you need to start dating women with whom you are compatible, and if marriage is what you’re interested in, only date other women who are ready to marry — not young women who are planning to spend two years in another country, when you can’t afford the travel costs of a long distance relationship.

You’ve chosen a woman who isn’t right for you, and now you’re trying to make it work, and it’s not a surprise that it isn’t.

Let go, and move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re scared of losing your partner, but your fear isn’t helping you. It’s just paralyzing you. So, you need to get past your fear and find productive ways to figure out what’s going on in your relationship since you were gone for two months between October and December.

One way to face your fear is to figure out what it is you’re most afraid of, and if losing your partner to someone else is the worst thing that could happen to you, take a minute and imagine what your life would be like without her. You’d be sad, maybe even devastated, but you’d understand, eventually, that sometimes relationships end and you don’t have control over anyone but yourself. You’re not going to crumble up and die if your partner leaves you, so at worst, your life with change and you’ll go through a crisis that you WILL come out of.

Okay….you’re still here, right?

Now that you understand what the worst case scenario is, imagine what would happen if you don’t figure out what’s going on with your relationship. You’ll end up walking on egg shells around your partner, not having sex with her unless she deems it time to have sex, and you’ll be wondering all the time if she’s cheating on you. That kind of living in a terror-filled limbo where your self-esteem gets chipped away with each day, is much worse than the worst case scenario, right?

So what you have to do now, is try again to talk to your partner. But this time, you have to take some new tools into the conversation so that the conversation doesn’t get “turned around” on you.

First of all, tell your partner you’d like to schedule a time to talk. Make it a mutually convenient time so that you don’t find her rushing off to a meeting or you having to stress over something else you’re supposed to be doing at the same time.

Next, choose a place to talk that isn’t “loaded” with meaning. For instance, the bedroom is a rotten place to have this talk, but a coffee shop is neutral and non-threatening. So is a park, or maybe your living room. You choose.

When you do talk to her, remember that you don’t want to back her into a corner or put her on the defensive. When you do that, she’ll come out swinging, and you’ll end up in a blow out rather than a productive conversation. So don’t accuse her of things and don’t judge her. Instead, talk about your feelings and your needs and wants. Then ask her how she feels about what you’re saying. For instance, you can tell her that you’re really hurt that she doesn’t want to have sex when you feel sexual and is she willing to compromise and have sex sometimes when you want it, and sometimes when she wants it, even if it isn’t always each other’s first choice. Couples in long term relationships, like yours, have to find ways to compromise on sex and other issues to put the relationship ahead of each other’s individual needs.

Tell her that you’re concerned about the receipts you found for clothes that aren’t in the house, and ask her what they’re from. If she blows up, ask her why she’s so angry. If she stays angry, ask her what you said that make her blow up at you because your intention wasn’t to upset her. It was really just to help you understand what’s going on with the receipts you found.

Keep your tone even. If you get hysterical or upset, while it’s normal, it does add fuel to the fire that can turn into a fight. The focus has to be a productive discussion about your relationship.

Finally, you need to ask your girlfriend if she’s seeing someone else. Tell her how upset you were when the last time you asked her she didn’t answer, and at the same time blew up at you, and you’d really like to know where you stand with her after seventeen years together.

I know that this is difficult to do, but there is really no shortcut around your problem. You have to plow straight through it.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you like this girl, and it seems like she likes you, why not invite her on a date? It doesn’t have to be a full fledged dinner and a movie date just yet — inviting her to go hiking, bowling or for coffee are all ways to get to know her more, without your sister or others around, and without committing quite yet to a full on date.

Try it!
😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What is important is that you’ve recognized that you think about this other man [i]when you’re stressed and lonely [/i]in your life. This guy isn’t someone you think about 24/7 — he’s a crutch and a fantasy you use to escape discomfort in your real life. He’s not a real solution to anything. Some people wish they were on a Carribbean island sipping a pina colada when they’re stressed in real life. Others dream of what it would be like to have an unlimited American Express card to go shopping for all the shoes that money can buy when they’re stressed. Other people reach for ice cream and comfort food. You have this man fantasy.

Understanding that he’s not the real deal, your husband is, is part of the solution.

Next, you need to work on the stress and loneliness in your life and see those things as real problems. Find ways to alleviate those stresses and lonely feelings that are practical and efficient.

Once you work on the real stresses in your real life, the fantasy will go away.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re making the right decision. I’ll wish you good luck, but I know you won’t need it because you’re doing all the work necessary for having success in love. Give Ben & Jerry and Haagen Daasz my best regards — but don’t visit with them, too long! There’s too much fun to be had out in the real world. (Check out my book while you’re spooning from the cartons, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women looking for Mr. Right who want to know how to find him, get him and keep him. This is the perfect time for you to read this book. It’s only $15.95, and goes well with chocolate chocolate chip AND chunky monkey!) 🙂 You can get the book as an immediate download, here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fights about taking out the garbage are NEVER about taking out the garbage, and your ex-boyfriend failing to return your Ipod is not about the Ipod — it’s about the relationship. If he wanted to be done with you he would either return the Ipod and not communicate with you at all — or else he would keep the IPod because he felt it was a way of getting back at you for cheating on him. I think he’s doing the latter.

The problem is that you’re giving him mixed messages about the relationship [i]and[/i] the IPod. That’s why you’re confused. When you text him “all the time” and try to get him “to be himself again” you’re losing focus. It’s not your job to get him “to be himself again”. And if you’re broken up, you shouldn’t be texting him all the time. It’s been a month since the break up and he hasn’t asked you out since that break up, so you need to take him at his behavior: You’re broken up.

Your choices now are to forget the IPod and consider it a casualty of love and a P.O.W. of the failed relationship. I know you wish you had it back, but it’s healthier for you to move on rather than staying connected emotionally to this guy who doesn’t want you any more, by using getting the IPod back as an excuse. Besides, if you actually do stop contacting him, he may realize what it’s actually like to not have you in his life, since you seem to be contacting him continually since the break up to get the IPod back.

If you prefer, you can always write him a letter documenting all the times you’ve tried to get it back, and asking him to return it to you by a certain date so you don’t have to take him to small claims court to retrieve the item. If that doesn’t work, court is always a way to get the IPod back, but it’s not a recommendation I feel strongly about. I prefer you forget the IPod and move on in your love life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, I’m glad to hear you’re hardcore enough for my brutal advice! 😆

In response to your latest question: Yes, I do think she can change, but for that change to be genuine, it has to be [i]all hers[/i]. You can’t tell her to change or suggest that she change and expect that to work. Real change happens because the person doing the change wants it.

In addition to which, your words are not nearly as strong as your behavior, and if you tell her that you want her to change, I can guarantee you that will lead to no change on her part. However, if you tell her you’re leaving until she gets some help for her battered woman syndrome, if that’s what she has, or until she is able to be strong enough on her own to actually be part of a healthy relationship with you, then she may want to effect a change [i]for herself [/i]because she wants you back! Please note, however, that I’m not suggesting you play games here — if you do move out to give her space to change, you have to mean it, and be prepared to not move back in or be with her again until she does improve her self, and if she never does, that’s the end of the relationship. (Tough love is truly tough.)

My advice is to use your behavior, not your words so much in this case to show her you love her, but she has to love herself enough for you to be together. Be careful not to enable her because that won’t help her or you, and you’ll become part of the problem.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not kidding yourself, but you’re definitely sugar coating the truth. 😕

While you write that you want to ask your boyfriend what the nature of your relationship with him is, the reality is you know what it is. You’ve known him for a long time, and you’ve seen how he handles himself in relationships and with you. He’s not ready for a commitment, he dates the field and even if you’re sleeping with him he’s probably dating other women, too — he’s already proven to you that he’s the kind of guy who does that. I’m sure he knows that you want to get married, but he’s just not the marrying kind right now — or else he’s not interested in marrying you. He does want to date you, be friends with you and sleep with you — but not exclusively.

So DON’T have “the talk” with him. It’s not worth his time — or yours. You already know the nature of the relationship. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. 🙁

If what you’re looking for is marriage, look elsewhere. He’s not Mr. Right. My advice to you is to be more honest with yourself about what is good for you and how you can make yourself happy. And remember — you’re not a victim. You do have a say in who you do and don’t date! Clearly, you want a relationship that is the whole nine yards — sex, intimacy, loyalty and respect. If you were really honest with yourself, you’d see that this guy isn’t going to give you three out of four of those things. And frankly, sex isn’t that hard to come by. Don’t overestimate the chemistry you say you have with him. For women, chemistry isn’t enough in the long run. They usually want and need more, and they usually try to convince themselves that having sex and chemistry with a man means that the man will develop stronger feelings and suddenly realize they should get married. Not so, my friend.

I think it’s time for you to recognize what you have here: a relationship with a man who’s looking elsewhere, and has proven to you you’re not Ms. Right for him. Next!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, you’ve talked a lot about this woman, but you haven’t once said what you want! If you want to ask her out on a date, then do it! It seems like she’d be receptive from what you’ve written about her flirting with you. There’s only one way to find out if she’ll go out with you and that’s to actually ask her.

It sounds like you may be afraid of rejection, but you have to understand that rejection is just part of life — not just dating life, but ALL life — and when someone rejects you (IF they reject you), it’s a way of them letting you know that you’d be wasting your time with them. So you see, rejection can be a gift because it’s a way of letting you know when you’re wasting time, and when you’re not wasting time.

Once you understand in your bones that rejection is a gift, and not a show stopper, then you can take it in stride more easily, and not let the fear of rejection keep you from finding out if a woman, like this one, is potential girlfriend material!

So, ask her out!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re not ready to be with a woman who’s been with a friend of yours in such an intimate and long-lasting way. Before you beat yourself up over this, I’d recommend you accept who you are first, and then decide if a particular woman (this woman or any woman in your future) is right for you given your assets and deficits!

You knew that your current live in girlfriend had dated and had a baby with your friend before you started dating her, so the question is, did you date her to compete or get back at him, in the first place? If you did, that wasn’t a good reason to date someone. It had more to do with you and your needing to be complete in a way that involves beating out other guys. Until you deal with that problem so that you feel like you’re good enough even if someone you know has a fabulous girlfriend or wife, you’re always going to be looking over your shoulder in relationships.

Now that you’re living with your girlfriend and her son with your friend, you have to understand that this other guy is going to be a part of your girlfriend’s life and her son’s life — forever. So if you are going to be with her, you’re going to have to find a way to be understanding of the situation.

If you can’t (and again, I’d caution you about beating yourself up over this), then accept that you’ll never be secure knowing she was with your friend and will continue to be so in a platonic or loving, but at a distance, way because they have a child together, forever, and decide to move on.

In addition, you should know that any single mother with a one year old and only once a week help from the father of the child, is going to be exhausted, and may not have “girlfriend” time to give you. This is something you should weigh when considering dating a single mother, now or in your future.

I hope that helps get your head focused! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your fiance doesn’t know you enough to love you. He’s never even met you! It would be hard pressed for him to really love you without spending time face to face. Your marriage is an arrangement and not a love relationship. You may grow to love each other, but then again, you may not.

In answer to your other questions, your fiance wants a wife who works and brings money into the marriage. He doesn’t want to marry you if you’re not going to make money and contribute financially to the marriage. That’s why he wants you to qualify for work in the United States. He couldn’t be more clear about this. If you don’t do this, he won’t marry you.

You cannot make him marry you if you don’t do what he’s asking. That’s the nature of an arrangement between adults. He will decide whether or not to marry you, just as you will decide whether or not to marry him. You also can’t make him love you. Love is a feeling that people have, grow or don’t have or grow for others. You can’t MAKE him love or marry you any more than he can do the same to you.

I think you’re expecting too much from an arranged marriage and not seeing it as the business arrangement it is. If you can accept the reality of your situation, you may understand what you can and cannot do, better. This understanding may help with your depression. Right now you’re depressed because you think an arranged marriage has the benefits of the kind of marriage where two people decide to meet, date and marry without a business arrangement. There are people who think arranged marriages are great and work wonderfully. Then, there are others who don’t. Be clear on what you’re committing to before you do it.

I hope you make a decision that is right for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not going to like what I have to say, so consider this advance warning to buckle your seatbelt! 😆

Your girlfriend of one year is an abused woman who stayed with her abuser. This is very typical of these dysfunctional relationships. If your girlfriend’s husband broke her nose, she should have called the police, had him arrested, divorced him immediately, and asked the court for appropriate visitation for the child she has with him. She didn’t. And that’s who you’re dating. Someone who doesn’t take care of themselves or their children.

The bad news is that it’s wrong for you expect her to take care of you, either. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know how to.

You’re writing me because you’re beginning to realize that just because you did what was right for you, you’re realizing she doesn’t have the same values or tools to respond in kind. She is [i]not[/i] going to cut off from her husband, and you can expect more of the same behavior in the future. I’m not clear from what you wrote what her custody situation is with her husband and their daughter, but you have to understand that this man will be in her life as the father of her daughter, forever. And if you’re in her life, he’s going to be part of your life, too.

While you may have 17 years of love for this woman, understand that most of that love is fantasy. You were in other relationships. She had other marriages and four kids. You are basing your love for her on feelings you had for her as a teenager. When you met up with her 17 years later, it probably felt great to try and rescue her from her predicament, but it’s very hard to rescue people who don’t want to be rescued. Women who are battered, more often than not, have trouble getting out of that cycle. She is the one who is going to have to understand that she loves a man who broke her nose in anger. Her idea of what love is is out of whack. Are you sure this is who you want to plan a life with?

My suggestion to you is that you move out of her house until her divorce is final and she has some significant time as a single, divorced mother, who is making a life for herself and her children. In order for a relationship to work for you, you need a woman who is healthy and willing to commit to you. If you move out and she jumps back into the marriage with her husband (soon to be ex), you’ll know that there’s a problem that has nothing to do with you — she needs to be in a relationship more than she needs a healthy man. If she’s telling you now that she still loves her husband (soon to be ex-husband), you’ve got a loaded situation that may not work out the way you want it to — in spite of your feelings of love. Back off and get some perspective on the situation for yourself, so that you can decide what the best thing to do for you is.

I hope that helps and I wish you good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you!! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What really strikes me in your post is your need to tell me [i]so many[/i] details that don’t seem to have any relevance to your relationship with this woman. You seem to have a need to tell your story without realizing that not much really happened. You got fixed up with a woman who said she was reluctant to get together with you, but acted like she liked you a lot. You spent enough time together to get to know each other as dates, not just friends, and now she is backing away from the relationship.

I think you have to accept the relationship for what it is — one that isn’t really going anywhere.

You should date other women, but more importantly, you should try and socialize more with friends and family as well as dates. This increased time with other people will give you opportunities to talk about your life, which you really seem to want to do!

There’s nothing dramatic that happened with you and your girlfriend except that she’s not very interested in dating right now, and you shouldn’t sit around waiting for her. Get out there and date other women, but also make sure you spend more time hanging out with friends in social situations.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You said yourself that she is a very insecure girl. So you have to understand that you chose someone to date who has some psychological and social problems that have nothing to do with you, and are not problems that you alone can fix. In fact, she doesn’t want you to fix her problems — she is comfortable being insecure, and this is what you’ve just found out!

When you decided to talk to her in a way that acknowledged her feelings and yours, and you looked for a new way of communicating with her that might have improved the relationship, she walked! She doesn’t way to communicate any differently or better. For whatever reason (that has nothing to do with you), she wants to be insecure and she doesn’t want to have an open, communicative relationship. You do.

Find someone else to date who is not insecure. You’ll have a better time, and so will she.

[Member]

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