[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’ve got TONS of tips and tricks for problems especially compiled in my books written for men and women, respectively that you can download here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] and [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Let me know if any of these pieces of advice, tips and tricks for dating work for you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Katdawg brings out an interesting point — that people’s true colors do come out during the dating process, and rather than see them as just a negative, step back and look at the bigger picture. If you keep an open mind when dating you’ll realize that it’s a good thing to find out if someone is incompatible or compatible with you, and going through stressful situations, like not hearing back from someone you dated when you want to, and wondering what went wrong, is one of those times when some people react under stress. Not only do you get to know about the other person, you can also get to know more about yourself and lots of people are surprised at their own reactions!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You definitely overreacted by leaving her a phone message the day after the date, and then starting an instant message conversation with her, to which she didn’t respond, and snapping at her that she should text you if she wants to talk to you.

Impulse control!! 😮

You have to remember that when people meet online, they are often appropriately wary — women especially. When you sent her that last message, you showed her you were impatient and had a temper. What would have been more productive was to wait and see if she returned your phone call from the phone message you’d left on her machine. If she didn’t, then you’d know for sure she’s not into you. But since you’ve displayed some dubious behavior, now you’ll never know if she doesn’t call because she was just waiting a few days to return your call or if she got turned off by your impatience.

Since the date did go well, I think it’s okay to wait a week and then contact her and ask her out on another date. But try to be more patient with her response time. You have to give people a reasonable chance to react, and if they don’t, showing your temper isn’t a mature way to date.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Katdawg is right — you do deserve the best. Consider that next time you date someone.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s a good idea for you to lay low and see what happens before getting married. Clearly your fiance has strong feelings for his ex-girlfriend with whom he has a child. His sleeping over her house without clearing that with you is highly suspect, but if he’s going to do it again, you’ll probably figure that out.

There are definitely some flashing yellow lights here, so proceed with caution!

And if there is any more violence, you should consider getting a restraining order.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forgiveness is a difficult road to take, but that’s the path I suggest for you.

Your friend sounds truly remorseful as well as relieved to have gotten the truth out to you. It sounds like you’ve both cheated on each other once, and at the risk of sounding crude (forgive me!) she leveled the playing field with this indiscretion, since you’ve cheated on her once many years ago. Both of you now have similar strong feelings for each other with the exception of this admission of hers. There’s a lot here that is good.

That said, to be fair, your feelings are justified. Many men would not be able to get past what she did — regardless of whether or not they should or shouldn’t. Betrayal is a tough challenge and the circumstances are crucial.

My reason for suggesting you search for forgiveness in your heart is because it doesn’t sound like you have ever given her a real relationship commitment. To expect her not to date or experiment was unfair. Especially since where she lives is remote, she works hard, and felt lonely. Your talking to her once a week isn’t the stuff of a committed relationship between adults. You’ve been with her off and on for a decade now, and although the last five to six years since you both graduated from college have been more off and on than exclusive, her being with someone else was not really as bad as you may think it is. She didn’t cheat on her fiance. She didn’t cheat on her husband. She cheated on a guy she’s been dating off and on for ten years, who hasn’t made a commitment to her, and who once cheated on her. If you try and look at it from her point of view, she was just experimenting, seeing what was out there, and wasn’t intending to hurt you.

If you are able to forgive her, then this is the time to step the relationship up and decide whether or not you want to marry her. If the answer is yes, then do it. If it’s no, then you should realistically understand that she is free be the woman she is. To expect otherwise is wishful thinking, and unrealistic.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t chase him — and he won’t feel chased! It’s really that simple. Let him be the one to approach you and to initiate conversations. If he wants to ask you out, he will. But….if he doesn’t, then you’ll know that while you may be disappointed, he isn’t interested in you enough to date you.

It’s hard to like someone when they don’t like you back the same way you like them at the same time you like them, if at all! But the reality is that by letting him be the one to make the first move (and the second and the third) you’ll have a clear picture of where you stand.

I know that you really like this guy, but it would be a mistake to spend too much time thinking about him when he isn’t showing you genuine interest. So, to avoid obsessing over him, keep your eyes out for other guys, too! It’s good to have a lot of fun with a lot of different people when you don’t have a commitment from that one special person. That will make it easier for you to accept the reality of what’s going on with this guy, and to not feel like all your eggs are in one basket.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s a great idea to use the new year to reevaluate your relationships and decide what behaviors you want to change in yourself! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason that “structured dating” where the man asks the woman out; she accepts or says no; they date and eventually start introducing each other to their respective friends and family as they become more serious about each other, is what I advocate, is that it’s a lot easier to know where you stand. If the guy wants you, he’ll ask you out. If he wants monogamy with you, he’ll start showing you this by acting like a guy who wants monogamy by buying you jewelry, making commitments to you, and discussing a future together.

When you “back into” a relationship by being friends who cuddle, sleep in the same bed, don’t date, begin to sleep together and don’t know where the relationship stands, you get confused and unsettled more often than not. The reason for this confusion is that you take away every opportunity for the guy to step up to the plate and be the man who claims you.

Now, the reason you want to know where you stand with him is that you want to be claimed and to claim him — only there’s no structure within your relationship for this need to be met.

That said, since you are where you are, and you did what you did, my advice now is that if you continue this amorphous relationship you have with Chris, you’re going to continue to feel muddled. Your “need to know” where you stand in the relationship is going to be met by a resounding, “I don’t know,” by Chris if you initiate “the talk” you want to have where you think you’ll get some definition of the relationship.

If he wants to have some kind of talk to define the relationship, then he will. But there’s really no reason for him to because he probably likes where things are enough to continue this way. Since you’re the one who’s needs are currently not being met, you’re the one who’s going to have to change your behavior.

What I suggest is that you break the pattern you’ve started that’s gotten you to this point where you’re troubled. This is going to require that you don’t call him, but instead let him do the calling. When he does call, start acting like a girlfriend in a way you haven’t up to now. Don’t invite him over or ask him out on a date. Instead, wait for him to initiate plans with you, at which point you can accept or reject his invitations.

What this will do is to redefine the relationship from one that is casual to one that is more formal. You may not like waiting to be asked out, but at least you’ll know where you stand with him, and he’ll know that he’s the boyfriend in the relationship and not just some guy you’re casually sleeping with for four months now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In response to your original statement, “I really want to know where I stand but do not trust his behavior to feel confident enough to ask him. I do not want to be rejected and then have to work with him.”

You will never know where you stand with someone who’s behavior you don’t trust. Think about it. It’s impossible. And better yet, (and again) why would you want to date someone who’s behavior you don’t trust?? 😕

If you don’t want to be rejected by him, then don’t go out with him because rejection is part of dating. People date in order to figure out what they do and don’t like about one another, and then make their own judgment about whether or not they want to continue dating them.

Your original question, “Does he like me?” is impossible to answer if you don’t trust his behavior. Because that’s all you have to go on!

And in your latest post you asked, “What I am wondering is how can someone who seemed to be asking me out socially and who has been and still is behaving like he is jealous and frustrated not ask me out properly.” The answer is that this guy CAN ask you out properly if he wants to, but he doesn’t want to. Otherwise he would.

He’s got a lot of personal problems, and since you’re not really dating him, are engaged to him, are married to him or are divorced from him, his personal problems don’t really belong to you. They’re his. The only question you have to answer is: Do I want to date him? And if your answer is yes, wait for an invitation!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem here is not your wife’s possible secret sex life with herself. The problem is that you’re not getting your sexual needs met, and you’re looking for reasons so that you can blame and then correct your problem. Besides, if your sexual needs are met, I doubt you’ll care if she masturbates and how often, or not.

Since there is no evidence of your wife’s masturbatory life, I’d advise you to stop sleuthing around looking for evidence of her pleasuring herself because you don’t feel like you’re getting enough sex from her. Instead of pointing fingers, you need to find a way to communicate your desire to have a better sex life with her. If you can take the pressure off of her, you’re a lot more likely to get her to open up. When she feels that she’s having to defend herself against your allegations, she’s going to clam up and not want to get into any discussion with you because it will inevitably, in her mind, be about her response to your criticisms. So get out of that pattern you have with her.

Next, please understand that the problem you’re describing — not getting your sexual needs met — is very, very common among couples. You are not alone, and that’s why I’ve written a book for couples who want to get the spice back in their sex life. Get a lot of ideas for ways to set the stage for your wife to loosen up and enjoy herself with you. So many women who’s husbands aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are having feel pressure to have sex. What I’ve tried to do for men like yourself is to give them ideas for dates that will be about feeling sensual, sexual and intimate. Because it’s not just about hopping into bed, but about the experience of the date, lots of women who’s men set up these dates described in the book, feel less pressured to have sex, and find themselves enjoying the date, and along the way, feeling more sexual as a result. The end result is win-win. 😎

So try setting up these scenarios described in the book, where the kids are with a relative or a friend for the weekend, and your wife doesn’t feel the need to worry about the kids. Then rather than finding the two of yourselves alone in the house without the kids, but with the same old same old dynamics, implement these dating ideas to promote further intimacy and more and better sex.

Making sure that you have these opportunities when the kids are not in the house — or else the kids are in the house, but the two of you are in a hotel — will give your wife opportunities to relax into herself without the burden of her job as a mother. For women, sex isn’t just a physical act. They need to feel relaxed, not pressured and aroused. It’s a lot more work for her to be ready to have sex than it is for you, but rather than argue the unfairness or the responsibility for the difference, accept it, and change your dynamics as a couple so that she is more interested in more sex with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you admit that you are not in a committed relationship with your boyfriend of three years, you have to understand that the extent of a [b]lack[/b] of commitment he feels towards you is a lot greater than the commitment you feel for him. I’m sorry that you’re disappointed that he doesn’t want your support right now, and doesn’t even want to return your calls or texts, but since he is the one who is suffering his needs come first. Or at least, they should. He is taking care of himself, and for him, that doesn’t mean including you in any way.

The reason he says that you are selfish is because he feels that you are putting your need to connect with him ahead of his need to not be with you, and to grieve his ex-wife, and decide how he’s going to be the single parent to his twin children, now that she is gone. He is also having to help his children grieve their mother.

While you’re disappointed and hurt by this rejection, I advise you to open your eyes, and realize that this is actually a gift to you. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but if your needs include being part of your boyfriend’s family and not being shut out of his family issues or even his deepest personal issues, [i]then you’re with the wrong guy[/i]. It’s time for you to reevaluate spending three years with a guy who isn’t fulfilling your needs. Luckily, you didn’t spend more time with him, but you really need to understand that he’s not Mr. Right for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Listen to your boyfriend!! ❗ He is telling you that he will end this relationship after a certain point, regardless of what happens, and that it’s got nothing to do with you — it’s about [i]his[/i] intra-personal dynamics. He’s giving you every inch of the roadmap to what your relationship with him will be like.

If you’re like so many other readers, you will ignore him, and then wonder, down the line, why you’re so confused about the the way things are going. 🙁

Your boyfriend doesn’t want a long term commitment with a woman, and he’s being upfront with you about it. He’ll be a good friend, and if you want, he’ll date you for a limited amount of time. He’s not someone who’s available for the long run. Since you’re only six months into your new life as a legally single woman, my advice to you is to keep him as a friend, since he’s got a history of remaining friends with women in his life, but look elsewhere for men to date.

As a new divorcee, it’s easy to feel scared of what could possibly happen if you start dating. It can be scary out there when you haven’t been out there — but you can do it!! Don’t avoid dating in the real world by instead, dating a man who seems like he’s safe because he’s been such a good friend to you, but who’s really not available. 😥

Buy yourself a newly single woman present, Think & Date Like A Man, a book I’ve written for women who are interested in dating and want some support and advice! You can download it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Read it, and consider getting yourself out there, into the dating world, now that you’re really available, and are interested in an equally available man!

I hope that helps — let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time for you to move on.

The problem with break ups is that the reason for them is because two people are incompatible. Therefore, it’s crazy to expect closure or a feeling of peace following a break up for both people doing the breaking up, at the same time.

Your feeling of discomfort at this break up is normal. My advice is not to look to your ex-girlfriend for closure, as if you were still a couple, but to look inward and ask yourself what you got out of the relationship, what you learned about yourself as an individual and as a boyfriend in a couple, as well as what you will look for and do differently next time around. If you can ask and answer those questions for yourself, that’s where your closure will come from. Not from anyone else.

The more you date, the more you will understand that your expectations for life and your way of thinking are usually not the same expectations or thought processes that the women you’re dating will have. It’s wrong for you to try and “bend” them to try and think and expect like you do. What’s easier is to accept differences between you and your dates or girlfriends, and then decide if you want to stay in the relationship given the differences. You are never a victim — you can always stop dating someone with whom you are not compatible. And at a certain point in your maturity you’ll realize that no woman is going to do everything you want from a woman, but Ms. Right will have so many assets that outweigh her deficits that you’ll think she’s just wonderful the way she is, and you’ll accept all of her — the good and the bad.

The same goes for you. If you don’t have enough money to date, then don’t spend the money and then get mad at her. Either only get together to do things that are free or fit your budget or don’t date so much that you break the bank and then get angry at her for “making” you break the bank. If you don’t want to pay for gas in your car, then don’t. But don’t tank up and then get angry at her for not having a car.

Accept not just the women in your life, but yourself, and your own limits and gifts as well. That’s the only way you’ll be able to find someone with whom you’re compatible: self acceptance first.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem is that you’re afraid to be without a boyfriend and you seem to jump from one boyfriend to the next, keeping your bases covered with back up boyfriends waiting in the wings even though none of these guys sound like they’re Mr. Right. They’re all just “okay” but not really great.

My advice to you is not to get into anything exclusive right now, and learn how to date the field, have time alone, and figure out what it is you really want in a relationship before you commit to someone. If you don’t do that homework, you’ll end up continuing to bounce from one boyfriend to the next and living a life of high drama.

I’m not sure how old you are, so if you’re in your teens, it might be a better idea to date more “lightly” and in groups. If you’re old enough to have marriage or a monogamous long term relationship on your horizon, then quit dating guys who aren’t Mr. Right. It’s a waste of your time — not just spending the time with the guys, but spending so much time thinking about who you should be with and who’s available, etc.

Focus on what you want from life, and then pursue that in a guy — but don’t settle and then commit just because Mr. Right Now happens to be texting you.

[Member]

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