[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real problem here is not that you accidentally stumbled on your boyfriend’s open e-mail account and read his mail. The real problem is that you don’t trust him with his ex-girlfriend, and more so, you have evidence that he lies to you about her, and that he refuses to tell her about you or that he refuses to stop taking her e-mails, phone calls and naked photos of herself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your problem has to do with your boyfriend, not you. By saying that you are the terrible person, you’re trying to equalize the situation and make yourself just as bad as he is. The reason you’re doing this is that you want me to tell you that what he’s doing isn’t so bad. Sorry! Your boyfriend is not ready to let go of his ex-girlfriend, and he’s putting his relationship with her above the one he has with you.

The ball is now in your court. Because this is bothering you a lot, I don’t think you’re going to be able to continue with him without a lot of heart ache. He’s laid down the law that she stays because he doesn’t like to “hurt people” — and by “people” he means her. You, he doesn’t care so much about hurting. Her, he’s protective of.

While you may feel badly about this dilemma, be grateful that you didn’t go along with this for years only to realize you couldn’t deal with his relationship with the ex. Instead, you’ve figured this out after 7 months, and won’t waste any more of your valuable time (or his) on a man who’s not compatible because he’s not one hundred percent available.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you don’t like being strung along, then stop acquiescing. You’re only strung along as far as you are willing to follow. If you don’t like the way someone is treating you, spend less time with them. Or none. Adults are rarely victims of others. More often they’re victims of their own old patterns of behavior. If you break your cycle, you’ll be free of old problems like being strung along.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

For some reason you don’t believe you that you deserve to be with a healthy man in a healthy relationship so you put yourself and your children in harm’s way (both physically and emotionally) by chasing a man who has a history of striking you, behaving badly, and treating you like trash.

You need to stop asking yourself why you still care about this guy and start asking why you would put your children’s mother and your children in such dangerous situations. Better yet, stop asking why, and start changing your own behavior. Here’s how:

Do not pursue or accept dates from anyone who has hit you, and if you are hit, you need to contact the police immediately. Do not pursue or accept dates from anyone who is controlling or abusive. It’s really that easy. Just stop your pattern of destructive behavior today.

Instead of focusing your energy on your ex, focus on yourself and demand more of yourself than you’ve been. This is the way you will get over your feelings of upset. Start living a more positive life where everything you do is carefully filtered so that it’s going to do you good, not ill.

I hope that helps — the solution to your problem is very simple, and just requires you saying no to any bad behavior and saying yes to self respect and other self respecting people, both men and women. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did everything right, and the problem you’re having with this woman is not accepting the fact that she is too emotionally damaged right now, to be in healthy relationship with you (or probably anyone).

It’s impossible to know her entire history or why she’s behaving as abusively to you (and herself) as she is. You’re not a doctor or a therapist, and she’s not your patient, so it’s time to focus on yourself, and step away from any person who isn’t treating you nicely. What I can assure you is that it’s not you she hates, so absolve yourself of that burden. She hates someone — either herself and/or people from her past. But it’s safer for her to act out her feelings on you, and no doubt other people, who won’t hurt her.

Hopefully, your friend will get the help that she needs, but that’s not something you can control. You’ve done everything in your power to be a good friend and a potential boyfriend, but she’s not available for either of those relationships, so you need to move on.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Life is a lot easier when you walk through doors that are open, rather than try to bang down those that aren’t. So pursuing a girl who’s moved out of town and hasn’t responded to your love letter is a lot like trying to get through a closed door.

On the other hand, the girls you’re interested in who are currently in your school, are a much better way to find a girl to date or even a girlfriend. But let’s address your specifics, first.

If your parents don’t want you to have a girlfriend, you’re going to be creating a lot of problems for yourself by pursuing one without clearing things up with your folks, first. So my advice is to talk to your parents (I know it’s difficult for teenagers to broach sensitive subjects with parents, but it’s a lot like diving into a cold pool — you warm up once you’re in and swimming around!). Tell them you’re interested in girls and would like to date, but that you understand their concerns that they don’t want you to have a girlfriend — probably because it may interfere with school — and is there a way that they would be okay with your dating “lightly”? For instance, if you agree only to date on weekends, and not weekdays, that might be a good compromise. Or if you agree to only date in small groups rather than one on one, that may be another compromise. Regardless of what you come up with, the idea is to make your feelings known to your parents, start talking with them about solutions that are win-win so you and your parents BOTH get your needs met — and you get some teenage dating experience!

After their okay, the next thing you want to do is ask a girl out. If the girls you’re interested in are never alone, do a little “social homework” and find out when they go to their lockers or when they’re walking to classes that are near yours, and try and figure out when you can grab a moment alone with them to ask them for their phone number. If you can get their phone number, then you can call them and try to have a conversation privately, without tons of classmates hanging around.

If your phone calls go well, and you still think that you’d like to ask one of the girls out, consider some of the following dating opportunities: Ice skating, hiking, movies, bowling ice cream, coffee shop dates, or pizza. These are all appropriate and fun dates where you can enjoy time with one of the girls you’re interested in, and get to know each other better, to see if you want to continue dating.

As for your move away girl, I think it’s best that you let that go. Her distance from you, and her lack of response to your letter indicate that she’s not an ideal date for you now. I’m sorry if she’s hurt your feelings, but by knowing where you stand with her, you’re free to open yourself up to pursue other young women.

I hope this helps, and I wish you good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not going to like what I have to say, so put your seatbelt on! 😆

This guy has been nothing but straight with you, and [i]your[/i] behavior is the one that’s irrational.

From day one this guy told you he’s a player, and you ignored him. He’s continually not texted you and not contacted you, and yet in stalker fashion you write, “…I won’t give up until I get an answer…” Are you crazy?? 😯

If a guy doesn’t call and doesn’t text and doesn’t e-mail, then he’s not interested. It’s really that simple. This guy has been so clear and up front with you that he’s a player and doesn’t stay in relationships because he gets bored, and yet you act like he’s supposed to be someone other than he’s represented himself to be. Why don’t you believe him? He’s backing up his words with his behavior. 🙁

I know that you want closure, but he doesn’t. You can’t get something from a person that they aren’t willing to give you, and to continue to chase him for closure is not healthy.

It’s time for you to let go of any fantasy you have of this guy being anything other than what he’s told you he is, a player. I bet you’re smart and pretty and interesting and totally capable of having lots of dates with lots of men who aren’t players — and next time you go on a date, when the guy says he’s a player, pay attention! He has no reason to lie to you about that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad to have been of help — and I wish you good luck in seeing what happens. My only caution, after our exchanges, is to let him do the pursuing so you get a clear picture of what he’s really after and how intently he’s after it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for clarifying. Your age is important in this scenario.

Your friend has her feelings for you and you have yours for her. If there is mutual compatibility, like in a Venn diagram, then you have an opportunity to exploit that compatibility and pursue a romantic relationship with her. 🙂

What you can’t do is make her feel things she doesn’t feel. That said, what you CAN do is to show her the sides of yourself that she hasn’t seen since you’ve been “just friends” until lately. Men win women over all the time by not being “just friends” and by becoming the prince that women are looking for. If your friend has never seen the princely side of you, then now is the ideal time to start showing her your dating game.

What I’d advise you is to follow the advice in my book, Date Out of Your League, written for men who think that they can’t get the girl — but can, with my help! [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] This link will take you to the book. Pursue your friend as a girlfriend, and give it your very best shot.

But….understand that if she isn’t going to be Ms. Right, it’s your responsibility to figure that out and not waste your time or hers. So have your lunch date with her, and while you are scheduled to “talk about things” 😕 my better advice is to treat the lunch like a date where you’re trying to flirt with her, listen to her, show her your best dating self, and take the lead in moving this relationship from friendship to romance.

I hope that helps, and I wish you great luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First and foremost, I want you to pick up the telephone and call a suicide hotline. If you’re considering suicide you need help that is specific to your problem. If you can’t find a number, call your local police and ask them for one.

Second, you need to go to the police and file a report about your assault. It doesn’t matter that it’s a few days since the attack. Just do it.

Third, your ex-boyfriend is a loser. Stay away from him. He doesn’t know how to treat you or to behave, himself. He’s no good for you, and you deserve a man who appreciates you and will show his appreciation in his behavior.

In order for you to get in a good relationship that is healthy and happy, you need to learn how to stay away from bad guys, as well as inappropriate and incompatible men who are a waste of your time, and, frankly, you of theirs. If a man hits you, or any woman, you can chalk him off your list of people you give the time of day to. If a man tries to make you jealous by texting other women in front of you, you can chalk him off your list of people you give the time of day to, too!

Lastly, do not have or consider having any ex-boyfriend’s baby right now. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. A pregnancy would be too much of a burden for you at this time. You need to help yourself before you can be with anyone else.

Please let me know how you’re doing after you contact a suicide hotline and the police.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but I stand by my advice I originally gave you — and even more so since you have clarified that “the date” he asked you out on was not even a real date! He invited you to a work event, and you paid for your ticket! 🙁 You should not have followed up that “date” with your asking him out five months later. And I understand that you’re trying to water down the “date” you asked him out on, but when you invite your boss to a bar for a drink with friends, it’s not work — it’s social. You should not be doing the asking out, no matter how casual you think the date is — especially in circumstances where the man has shown no real sign of wanting to date you.

I know that the above sentence may confuse you, based on your posts, so let me explain. If a man wants to ask you out on a date, he will. And that is the way you’ll know he wants to date you. It’s really that simple! 🙂

You are the one who is trying to confuse yourself by pretending that he wants to ask you out — when he hasn’t done so. The reality is that his behavior is only confusing if you ignore the facts. Whether or not YOU think his behavior is crazy, he absolutely knows how to ask you on a date, and hasn’t. Stop being dumbfounded about his behavior, and focus on your own. 😉

YOU need to get out of the office and start looking for men who are interested in you enough to take you out and pursue a real relationship. Don’t spend any more time pursuing — or even thinking about this guy who isn’t stepping up to the plate. Make your life one that’s successful romantically. That means ignoring the guys who aren’t into you, and focusing on those who are!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So glad I could help! 😀

Good luck with this new strategy. Do let me know how it goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Usually I answer relationship questions, but I’m more than happy to address your moral dilemma! 🙂

You should have gone back to the store and immediately paid for your sandwich, but since you didn’t, go there today and explain what happened, and make a belated payment.

You made a mistake. Not taking care of it is wrong. Taking care of your payment owed late is the right thing to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Geez. You really blew it.

If you like a woman, spend years trying to get her to commit to you, and finally come close to winning her heart over, [i]having sex with her sister[/i] isn’t going to win you any points with her. It’s going to torpedo the relationship into smithereens. Of course she’s devastated. What you did was unforgivable. It was a disastrous lapse in judgment.

Her reaction is understandable and justified. Yours, however, is a little strange. She is not the one who needs help getting over the shock of your admitting you slept with her married sister. You are the one who needs to take some time off from dating any women, and think about what it really is you want in a relationship and how to successfully get it.

If you can’t refrain from having sex with a love interest’s family and friends, you’re never going to find healthy love — just drama.

My advice is to forget this woman — there’s no way she’ll ever trust you again, let alone forgive you. Take a dating sabbatical and regroup yourself. Think about why you slept with your intended’s sister and what you got out of it and why you needed what you got out of it. Therein lies your problem.

I’m sorry this isn’t what you want to hear, but I hope you’ll take it seriously. Let me know if I can help further.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Absolutely bring her a gift. Any time you stay with someone in their home, a gift is an appropriate way to show your gratitude for their hospitality.

Since you’re coming to visit her for the weekend directly from a long distance airplane ride, flowers are out of the question. Some thoughtful gifts are perfume or cologne, as you suggested. Stay on the mainstream when choosing since you don’t know her that well. A bottle of Chanel perfume or cologne is something every woman will appreciate. Clothing is probably not a great idea since from your post I’m gathering that you haven’t spent time with her before and may not know her style. Something for her home like a beautiful bowl or vase is a nice idea. If carrying something just won’t work, you can easily order several bottles or half a case, depending on your budget, of nice wine online, to be delivered to her home before you get there. You can also have steaks or seafood ordered and shipped to her home in time for your visit — and offer to cook them for her while you’re visiting!

I hope that helps. Have a great time! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, since he left today, there is nothing else for you to do. The ball is in his court. You’re right not to want to push him. What you need to be mindful of, however, is being realistic. Don’t chase or wait for a man who isn’t available to you because he isn’t ready to commit. Sometimes men with whom you have a long history, like this childhood family friend, fly under the radar that you would normally use to weed out men who are incompatible. Since you’re already dating a guy who is ready, willing and able to date you — and is doing a good job of it — focus on him, and see if he’s someone you want to pursue a relationship with.

Don’t offer to fly out and meet Chris. If he wants to see you, he can (and should) come to you. Let him be the one to do the chasing in the relationship — and if he doesn’t chase you, then you have your answer as to whether there is a potential love connection there at all.

I hope that helps! 🙂

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