[April Masini, your AskApril]

New you in 2010 — I love it!

Put the spotlight on yourself, and get back out there and start dating again so that your now ex-boyfriend becomes a distant blip on the radar screen.

And if you do consider dating any single dads, I bet you’ll be a lot more interested in the guys’ relationship with his child’s mother because [i]that[/i] relationship, as you now know, can be so crucial to your own dating interests.

Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Feelings are important, but if we all did what our feelings dictated there would be chaos. There are higher standards we hold ourselves up to in order to modify our feelings. Some of those standards are morals. Others are laws. Personally, we all have our own individual codes that we all make up as we go, and modify whenever our feelings get too strong. For instance, if, like Katdawg, you feel love for a man who’s an alcoholic, but he hurts your feelings with his mood swings and self destructive behavior over and over, eventually, not wanting to have your feelings hurt is the feeling that trumps your love for the man. You can still have love for the alcoholic man, but you care more about getting hurt than you do about loving a man who will hurt you, so you back off and protect yourself, honoring your stronger feelings above all others.

Knowing yourself and what your strongest feelings are and being able to sort out your stronger feelings from your lesser feelings is part of what maturity is. While you like the way you feel with this guy, Alex, when he hurts you by not making you a priority in his life, and he practices this hurtful behavior enough, eventually, you will realize that not being hurt is more important to you than the good feelings you get when he’s nice to you, and you’ll back off enough to protect yourself.

Recognize and accept Alex for who he is. He is definitely a player, and he knows himself enough to be honest with you about that. That said, when he tells you today that he wants to see you and explore a relationship with you in August, he probably means it — in that moment. Your job is to understand yourself, and know that you like the way you feel when he tells you there’s a possibility of a future together, but to also understand that this guy has played you already, has admitted he’s a player, and will probably play you again. Balance your feelings of instant gratification for feeling wanted by Alex, with the strong possibility of future hurt by the same guy if you invest your heart in him.

If you can learn how to balance your feelings with your intelligence and wisdom, you’ll be able to protect yourself in love and only give your heart to a man who will adore it and take good care of it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

And I love that you’re on the site!! 😀

Your insights are really helpful to so many readers.

Thank you for being so honest.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

While for [i]you[/i], your relationship has been[i] “simply bliss”[/i] for over four years, your boyfriend has been having some kind of relationship with a former college intern that he admits got out of control, and he didn’t stop it from doing so. He’s kept that relationship from you until you found out by stumbling on his text messages, and now, I can see you’re struggling for an explanation of why the relationship you thought was so wonderful, doesn’t appear to be equally so, or enough, for him.

Clearly, pressing him further for an explanation isn’t going to yield one, and his suggesting he talk to his sister as a way to pacify you didn’t lead to anything worthwhile. The reality is that he gets something from his relationship with this other woman that he isn’t getting from you — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. 🙁 In fact, from what you’ve described, you’ve been doing everything fine, so stop looking for problems between the two of you and trying to figure out what you did wrong that he could find fault with. You didn’t do anything wrong — and this change in his behavior isn’t so much about you — it’s about him.

The trick in relationships is to find mutual compatibility, and while you’ve been really happy with your boyfriend for so long now, and want to get married, he isn’t acting like he wants the same thing. He may talk the talk, but it’s not appearing as if he’s walking the walk. It’s unusual for two people of your ages, with good careers, in their mid-thirties, who have been dating for four years now, not to be engaged. The hour and a half distance from your two homes doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to hold up an engagement. However, his not being ready to marry you, does.

Finding out that your boyfriend is interested in this other woman, and realizing that you don’t have the whole story on what’s going on because he’s not being entirely forthcoming, has got to be unsettling for you, since you thought that the two of you were heading for a walk down the aisle.

Your difficult job is now to see the whole picture for what it is. You’re looking for confidence in your relationship because he’s taken that away from you by having a secret relationship with someone else, and while couples do overcome indiscretions, the key to moving on is brutal honesty. Your boyfriend isn’t being honest with you about the whole situation.

I don’t think that right now you have a relationship worth investing any more time in. It’s probably very hard for you to consider breaking up with him because there’s no drama and there’s no clear picture of how long he’s been with this other woman, or the extent of their relationship. That said, from what you’ve described of yourself, you’re a straight shooter who’s looking for a man who’s equally up front and direct. Although you’ve invested four years in this guy, it’s taken you that long to realize that your boyfriend is comfortable having more than one woman at a time — and wants to keep it that way. I don’t think this is good enough for you, and that’s why I think it’s time for you to honor your own values, and move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hey Katdawg — I don’t know if YOU have a PhD or not, but your advice to so many readers here is so right on. I’m really glad you’re contributing — and it’s GREAT to see your photo!! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome — and welcome!! 😀 We’re glad to have you here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend wants his cake and to eat it too. Sorry, but he’s not into you enough to commit to you after a year, and he’s being up front with you that he’s dating at least one other woman. You need to focus on his actions and not his words and do what is best for you, since you’re no longer a couple — he’s single, and that leaves you single, too, if my math is correct. 😉

His wanting you for his future would be believable if he was willing to propose marriage to you because that’s sort of the only credible way I know for giving you a genuine commitment for the future. But since he’s not taking any actions towards a future together — and, in fact, he’s taking actions towards exploring relationships with other women and [i]away[/i] from a future with you — you have to focus on reality. Your boyfriend isn’t your boyfriend any more.

I know you want him back, and I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but none of us get what we want all the time. And if he doesn’t want you back, it’s going to be impossible for you to get him back in spite of your feelings for him.

What I’d like to see you do is to realize that you are deserving of a romantic, monogamous, loyal and respectful relationship, and that your boyfriend is not able to meet these needs any more. It’s time for you to move on. I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record, but my book, Think & Date Like A Man, is one you should really read right now. If you feel like treating yourself to something that will make you feel better, download the book here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

The book will help you move on, and get ready to get out there and find a man who is Mr. Right — because that’s what you deserve.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, Katdawg, but I’ve got to disagree with you on this one! 😆 Just because someone has a PhD or any other academic degree doesn’t make them wise in matters of the heart. Lots of really “intelligent” people who are accomplished and have lots of accolades are clueless when it comes to dating.

So, without passing any judgment on them, let’s give good relationship advice to all people across the board who need it — from high school drop outs to tenured university professors! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice for you is to take things slowly. Two weeks may be what you need to decide whether or not to go on a first date with him, but don’t commit yourself to someone just because you both like each other. As you so aptly articulated, there are good and bad things about going out with this guy — and that’s what you have decided before you’ve gone out with him. That set of lists of good and bad things will change as you both get to know each other, and you should be ready and willing to maybe either continue dating him, or to hold back, or to decide you’re not compatible and better not dating each other.

So try not to see things in black and white so much, and understand that relationships are all about a dance between two people, and you and this guy will get to know each other as time passes. You’ll figure out things you didn’t know about each other, and about yourselves.

Since you’re in high school, keep an open mind about dating, and consider going out in groups, as well as a couple so that things don’t get too intense too quickly.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your friend is genuinely close with the guy she’s fixing you up with, and you’re walking into a situation that was already established prior to your dating him. When men have close female friends and iffy boundaries with them, it can create problems in the mens’ relationships with new love interests. The female friend can feel like a meddling mother in law or a competitive rival. That’s what it sounds like is going on.

Some of the things you can do, yourself, to establish boundaries with this new guy, are:

Don’t talk about your mutual friend. Don’t bring her up. And if he brings her up — change the conversation!

Turn your phone off when you’re at Starbucks with him, next time, or when you’re on a date with him anywhere. Texting during a date isn’t really good manners anyway, and if you turn the phone off until after you’re home from your date, you won’t know she’s texting you during your date.

If he continues to text her on your dates even after you’ve started this new behavior of turning your phone off during dates, you can make a show of turning your phone off, in front of him. For example, when he picks you up, or after you meet somewhere, you can take your phone out, with a flourish, and say, “Now, I’m turning my phone off so YOU get all of my attention!” And give him kiss as a reward. Hopefully, he’ll reciprocate in kind by turning off his phone, too.

That should help a lot. The fact that they’re friends and have classes together, is something you can’t control, but you can change your own behavior and limit your contact with her when you’re with him, as well as limit her as subject matter when you’re with him.

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As they say, don’t hate the player, hate the game….or better yet, WIN the game!! 😀 Know a player when you see one, and take him for what he is. That’s the best way to win in dating. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m SO GLAD that my book, Think & Date Like A Man, helped you! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Boy, Katdawg, I think you’re right! A lot of times when people post and their posts are confusing to read, it’s because the person posting the question is so confused internally. Relationships and emotions can really make a person’s head spin! 😆

Often, writing down a problem and then reading it back, or telling someone a problem you’re having, and trying to hear yourself as you’re speaking, can help lessen confusion. Or other times, having someone like myself, or other readers respond makes the poster realize where they are confused, themselves — and [i]the process[/i] can help clear up the confusion.

Discussing problems here in this Q&A Forum can be very helpful for not just the person posting — but everyone else reading who recognizes some part of that specific problem in their own lives.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that your friend did like you and he did have enough feelings for you — enough to ask you out. He lost interest in you because you didn’t give him anything to chase. Men love to chase women and feel like they’ve won them over. It sounds like you were clueless about how to let a guy know you like him. He didn’t get any positive dating feedback from you, so he backed off. I guess you could call it losing interest, but really, it was that you didn’t show him enough interest for him to invest in the relationship with you.

That said, he was hurt, and that’s why he stopped speaking to you. Sometimes when men feel rejected, rather than put themselves out there for what they fear will be even more rejection, they’ll just clam up to protect themselves. That’s what this guy did. From your point of view he was acting irrationally and just not talking to you. From his point of view, he got shot down, was hurt, and didn’t want to get hurt again by opening up to you any more.

If you do want to date him, then you should be clear in your own head that that’s what you want, first and foremost. Dating is a dance between two people, and you’ve got to give him something to work with so he can feel confident enough to proceed. I highly recommend you get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book will give you ALL the tricks and tips on how to flirt with a guy and to ultimately get him. You need some of these tricks in your dating arsenal! 😉

And don’t expect a quick turnaround. If you want to date him, and to show him you’re interested in him, give it some time. He’s already, in his mind, asked you out and gotten shot down. He’s going to wonder why things will be different now, and even though to you it was just a case of crossed wires, he’s gotten a little piece of his heart broken. So be understanding — but if you do like him, give the guy something to chase!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help. You sound like although you’re hurt, you’re mature enough to know what you have to do and I think you have “the chops” to do it. Good luck — and let me know how things go. 🙂

[Member]

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