[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words — and I’m glad Date Out of Your League helped you last time you were here! 😀

Now that you’re in a new relationship, let’s see what I can do to help you this time….

It sounds like your girlfriend’s behavior is making you unhappy and while you’re talking things through with her, she’s hit a roadblock and can’t figure out why she feels the way she does or why she behaves the way she does. Since there is only so much you can do, yourself, the rest falls to her. If she’s stuck, the only thing you can do is to give her space and wait for her to figure things out, or to make a decision after a certain amount of time that the two of you are not compatible. This is what the dating process is about.

Fighting for a relationship is appropriate when there is something to fight for, but if what you’re really trying to do is to make her be someone she’s not, then you’ll never win that fight.

My advice for now is to give her some space to either figure out what personal challenges she faces in order to smooth out her behavior. If she does the work, herself, then great! If she doesn’t, then you’ll know that she can’t; she doesn’t want to; she isn’t ready; or….this is just who she is.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question, “Am I just paranoid or should I be worried?” is kind of a lose lose question! 😮

I don’t think you should worry. And you’re not paranoid, but you do have control issues and when you can’t control situations or other people’s feelings or actions, you act neurotic and sabotage relationships. In order to start practicing the kind of behavior that will lead you to happy and healthy relationships, you’re going to have to try doing nothing and allowing other people to have their feelings and behaviors even if it makes you nervous and anxious. This is a lot harder to do than to talk about for many people, and I think you’re one of them!

I know you want this guy to like you, but when you ask him out instead of letting him do the asking and the planning, you take away his opportunity to show you how he feels. The reason you do this is that you’re so worried about YOUR feelings of being rejected that you don’t even let him be himself. Instead you start acting in a way that you describe as passive aggressive. When he says, “Let’s meet for lunch,” instead of responding, “Great!” you say, “Well, you don’t have to meet if you’re too busy.” Now, he feels like you don’t really want to go to lunch with him that much because you’ve taken his invitation and semi-rejected it. You’ve given him an out that he didn’t ask for or even necessarily want.

What you need to do is stop racing ahead in your mind and practice being in the moment even when that moment makes you feel discomfort. This rule goes for making dates, too. I’d like to see you stop asking for half of the dates you go on and ask for none of them! Let the guy ask you out, and you agree or disagree to go. That’s it. If he doesn’t ask you out, then practice being okay with that. Men will find you much more attractive if you can master this art of not jumping the gun, being in the moment, and allowing others to participate in the relationship on their watch — not yours.

As for this guy, I want you to do nothing. If he asks you out, then you can tell him you’d be delighted to go. Don’t twist his words around or start reacting to things he hasn’t said or done yet. And [b]don’t[/b] ask him out, call him, or text him. Just be in the moment.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is one of those times when keeping quiet and resuming monogamy within marriage with your husband is the best course of action.

I don’t think that the reason you cheated on your husband had to do with your marriage as much as it had to do with you. You didn’t feel complete with your experience, and while what you did was definitely wrong and a betrayal, it’s over. Not only is it over, but it sounds like you are content and wanting to go back to your marriage with your husband and not cheat on him again.

However, having cheated, it is important that you really process what it is you learned about yourself from the affair. If wanting more sexual experience was a factor in your cheating, nurture the sex life you have with your husband and explore the parameters of sex with him. You should take a look at a book I’ve written for couples who want to put more spice in their bedrooms. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas, and you can buy it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

If what you liked in the affair was intimacy, take another look at the intimacy you have (or don’t have 😕 ) with your husband, and try to reconnect and deepen the relationship you have with him, learning more about him, yourself and the two of you together, to feel more satisfied in your marriage.

If the intrigue of someone new was a factor in your cheating then try to get that new feeling in your own life by shaking up your routine — without straying from your marriage. A new job, a new home improvement project, an exciting trip, a class or something that will really make you happier to wake up and hit the ground running each day, may enhance your life in a way that the affair did.

Take this time, as well, to consider your own expectations for your marriage and the long term picture. You may find that you appreciate your husband because of the commitment he’s given you. Your affair sounds like it was something that both you and your lover agreed on as a short term fling. Sticking around for the long run has advantages that you won’t find in a short term lover or a fling. So re-enter your marriage with a renewed interest in nurturing it over the long run and understanding that commitment means sacrifice as well as benefit. Focus on balancing your ability to employ both those benefits of marriage as well as the sacrifices.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re oh so welcome! I’m glad I could help.

Good luck. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you keep waiting, you’re going to continue to feel uncomfortable at best and used and bitter at worst. So the answer to your question is no, you shouldn’t keep waiting.

What you need to do is take control of your own life, since she broke up with you. You’ve gone along with her agenda since the break up for long enough to realize it isn’t working for you. Now, you need some clarity and some boundaries so you can move on with your life, and if she wants to be part of it, it’s going to be on your terms.

Tell her that you don’t like this interim relationship since the break up, and since she’s no longer interested in being exclusive to you, it’s better for you if you move on as a single person, rather than a boyfriend. Once you tell her that, you’re going to have to walk the walk that matches the talk. That means not taking her phone calls or texts — or else limiting them to a weekly phone call, not five a day! You can do this by simply not picking up the phone, not returning her messages, and if she does reach you, hanging up quickly with an excuse about why you can’t talk. Eventually she’ll get the message.

You’ll have to stop kissing her — even if it’s awkward. And, you have to stop seeing her — or limiting get-togethers to platonic monthly coffee shop visits. You have to take back your life, and start dating again. Once you do this, she’ll either move on, too, or else, it sounds like there’s a good chance she’ll realize what she walked away from in you, since people realize what they’ve lost once it’s gone — and you’re not really gone in spite of a break up — and may come back to you. At that point, it’s your choice what to do, but unless you truly move on with your own life in a clean and clear way, you’ll never know where you really stand with her — or yourself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, he likes you, but why do you like him? 😕

He liked you enough to ask you out to a work event, but after that date, you didn’t let him chase you. You asked him out! 😥 I never advise women to do the asking out because it leads them to be confused more often than not — and that’s just for starters. Men really do want to be the ones to do the pursuing when it comes to romance and dating. When you ask him out, you take that opportunity away from him, making him feel less enthused about dating you than he would have been if he’d been the one to do the asking out.

The other problem you’re having is that although he likes you, he doesn’t like you enough to put your needs ahead of his or even make your needs equal to his. He seems to put his own needs first by wanting you to be there for him, but he isn’t there for you. Your example of his phone calls serve to show that point. So, yes, he likes you — but why would you want to be with a man who isn’t generous or giving emotionally? 🙄

You’re mistakenly blaming your own lack of confidence on his behavior. Your confidence is your responsibility. If you lack confidence it isn’t his fault. Confidence comes from the sum total of your life experience in the real world, so my advice to you is to brave your fears, face rejection, and start putting yourself out there to date men who aren’t just in your office, but are in your neighborhood, are friends of your friends, and are even guys you meet on online dating sites.

The more experience you have dating, the more confident you’ll become about your own needs, and what you’re willing to put up with, what you feel you deserve, what your dating goals are, and what you have to offer a man. Sounds pretty great, right? You would really benefit from my book called Think & Date Like A Man written for women who need guidance in dating. You can download the book immediately, for $15.95, here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

After you read this book, and start dating with getting Mr. Right as your goal, you’ll realize that this guy’s pattern of hot and cold behavior is just his own expression of personal insecurity about what he wants and what he’s willing to give to you, and you won’t be interested in someone who’s that insecure. You’ll be more secure and confident, and you’ll want a man who’s equally or more secure and confident than yourself.

So get downloading, and then get reading! I hope this advice and reading my book help you! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to tell your boyfriend that he’s bringing up his ex-girlfriend a lot, and you were wondering why. By broaching this subject you may be making him aware of his behavior for the first time. 😮 In other words, he may have no idea that he’s doing this at all. So by simply making him aware that he’s mentioning his ex a lot, you may solve the problem altogether.

If he continues to bring her up even after you talk to him about it, your first tactic is to not let it ruffle you. Humor goes a long way in this strategy. For instance, if he mentions what a great spinach dip his ex-girlfriend makes, you can smile and say, “You know, we should have your ex-girlfriend cater all our meals for us because she’s such an [i]amazing[/i] cook!” And then smile at him. He’ll get your ribbing him as a good natured reminder that you’re not interested in having his ex-girlfriend in so many of your conversations together.

It’s best to assume that he just doesn’t realize what he’s doing right now, and that he just needs some gentle reminders that he’s bugging you by bringing her up. Keep it light, but take care of your needs, too.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re over thinking what happened, so let me simplify it for you.

You’re dating a guy named John for two months now, but you just had a holiday visit with an old family friend with whom you’ve had an off and on internet relationship for several years, who lives in California. You and Chris hooked up during the visit, and now he’s going back to his life, across the country from where you live with your children, to California. He’d like to see you one last time before he returns across the country, but you already have previous plans with John.

Your relationship with John is only two months old, so he may be dating other people, too. Chris is dating someone else who he says isn’t a serious girlfriend. And you’re in the same boat, so to speak.

At this early stage in your relationship with John, it’s fair for you to be dating other guys to see who’s right for you. So if you really think there’s something there between you and Chris, then I think you should see him tomorrow. You don’t have to have another sex marathon. You could go out and have a real date — or you could have more of a hook up date. You don’t have to tell John what you’re doing because you want to make sure that he’s Mr. Right, and if it means spending more time with Chris to see if he’s someone you want to pursue a long term relationship with, then that’s fair game. Think about if the tables were turned, and you and John were getting into a serious relationship, but there was someone from his past he thought could be Ms. Right. Wouldn’t you want him to make sure that she was or wasn’t the woman he belonged with before you continued dating him?

If, on the other hand, you think that Chris is just geographically impossible for you to be compatible with, and his emotional issues are too great an obstacle for a real relationship, then it doesn’t make sense to see him when John has come to town specifically to see you.

So measure your feelings for Chris, and if you think he could be Mr. Right, then without drama, cancel your date tomorrow with John, and explore a possible future together between yourself and Chris.

I hope that helps! Good luck and let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What’s missing in your post is any talk of romance. I get that you’re friends with this woman and I get that you had sex and want more. Women that you have sex with want to feel valued by you [i]as a woman[/i] — not just as a friend with benefits. I know that this means readjusting your thinking, but it will be a wise investment in a future together as friends who have grown romantic feelings for each other and have a sexual relationship where they can express their intimacies and feelings to each other! 😉

Women love things like flowers, small gifts, love notes — anything that makes them feel like you really appreciate them as someone who is more special to you than other women. If this woman has uncertainty about having sex with you again, it may be because she hasn’t seen you express any feelings other than friendship and lust. You need to step up your romance game.

Dial up your good manners by holding the door open for her, pulling out her chair, and letting her walk through entrances before you. Simple caresses like touching her hair, putting your hand on her back, or brushing the skin on her arm, while you’re talking to her will bridge the gap between friendship and lovers and make her feel like you value her as not just a friend and a lover, but a girlfriend.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The internet is a wonderful tool, but it’s just a tool. You can’t have 90 percent of your relationship online for over a year and expect to be happy. Since 2008 when you first met this guy online, if I’ve read your post correctly, you’ve only spent a week or two together in person. 😯 Healthy relationships are in person relationships. Meeting online is great, but the next step is meeting in person and forging your relationship in person.

People who are afraid of being hurt or have social phobias tend to conduct relationships that should be in person relationships, online. You hinted that you have a history of being hurt and a fear of being hurt again. That may be why you’ve kept this guy at such a distance (and I mean that figuratively and literally). Most women would never consider a man who lives 1000 miles away as boyfriend material because they know there’s no chance of real dating involved. But somehow, you not only chose a guy who was impossible to date, you cultivated the relationship.

Your depression, now, has less to do with being apart from this boy than it has to do with your loneliness in general. If you can find a way to accept that your relationship with this guy is never going to be a healthy one because of the distance between you, then you’ll be more apt to get out there and look for guys to date who live in your own neighborhood! 🙂

My advice to you is to forget your internet boyfriend who isn’t the one who’s making you have these feelings of terror and confusion, and focus on yourself. If you can start taking really great care of yourself, by getting out in your own neighborhood and school and meeting other teenagers like yourself to be social with, you’re going to be a lot happier. Your terror and confusion will fade away, and you’ll start having fun. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself by choosing a boyfriend who lives 1000 miles away, who you know you’ll only meet up with for a week or two once a year. Any woman, whether she’s 17 like you, or 77, deserves to have companionship, intimacy and romance more often than that!

So say goodbye to Mr. Long Distance and start looking for guys to like and date in your area code, zip code or city. Have fun — every day — for at least a small part of the day, and don’t rely on the internet for dating — just meeting. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to broach a difficult subject is to do so out of the heat of any argument, and in a neutral location. So don’t forget a conversation about this issue when you’re suddenly angry that he’s brought up her name. Instead, wait until a weekend afternoon when the two of you have no other pressures, like work schedules or family obligations, to go have coffee or take a walk in a place that is not your home.

The goal of your broaching this subject is to share your feelings and allow him to respond to them. If you put him in a defensive position, you’re not going to get what you want. Instead you’re going to get a fight. So see if you can keep your tone and your words as neutral as possible so as not to incite his anger.

Tell him that you feel sad and even rejected when he brings up his ex-girlfriend. Don’t blame him. Just share your feelings. Instead of telling him that you get angry, tell him your deeper feelings — that you care for him so much, and you wonder when he brings her up if he’s not missing her and wishing he was with her.

He may not even realize how often he’s doing this, and you’re bringing it to his attention, gently, may help make him aware of a problem he didn’t realize existed. Allow him to tell you his thoughts — and don’t criticize them. Again, avoid backing him into a corner, and keep your feelings so honest you don’t have to be angry — just sad. You’re much more likely to get to the bottom of why he’s bringing her up so often, this way.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Blending families is very tricky business, as you can attest to yourself! 😉 It’s not just you and your boyfriend who are involved, frankly. It’s the four children — and your respective ex-spouses, as well! While it would help me to know the ages of the children involved, I’m going to assume at least one of his is a teenager since you’re both in your 40s.

First of all, it is entirely likely that your boyfriend’s ex-wife is successfully alienating his children from you. This is a common and damaging tactic used by parents who don’t want their children to have healthy relationships with their ex-spouses or the ex-spouses’ new partners. Some people go to family court and successfully get full custody of their children because the ex is alienating the children, but alienation is very hard to prove, and going to court is a battle most parents don’t want to wage lightly.

The best defense against alienation is taking the high road at all times. This is enormously difficult and it’s a long term solution with no short term gains. Eventually the children do mature and do understand the reality of what has happened, but often the loss of years of a healthy relationship with the poisoned parent, damages the children. So, my advice for any relationship you have with your possibly future stepchildren is to always take the high road. Acknowledge their mother with good cheer. Send her little presents, and always tell the kids to wish their mother your best — even if it’s not how you feel. Superlative manners in the face of bad behavior is the best course.

Next, you have to understand how frightening this alienation can be to your boyfriend. He is afraid he is going to lose his children altogether if they reject you so much they don’t want to live with you. At a certain age children usually – but not always – get to choose where they want to live. If the court feels that the children are mature enough to decide their custody schedules, they are allowed to do so. Your boyfriend is afraid of losing his children to this dynamic and system. He needs your empathy and understanding.

Finally, you have to understand that you are trying to force a situation where his children accept you and your daughter, as well as their father and you as a couple. The children may see you as a take away, rather than a bonus, especially if they are teenagers. They may feel threatened by your presence in their father’s life. If they do have these feelings their mother is certainly fanning the flames because SHE is threatened that you will take her position as their mother away from her. Being a stepmother can be very threatening to the mother of the children. If you understand the mother’s fear of your presence you can go out of your way to be kind to her. This may or may not help, but it sure doesn’t hurt to try.

Since you write that although the court has granted your boyfriend 50% custody he actually has almost full custody, the children probably know that their mother has abandoned them or is not capable or willing to be with them. This will make the children especially gun shy of someone who may take their one functioning parent away from them — in their eyes. If their mother was more involved and more functional, then the children may not feel that their world was so threatened by you.

Also, the divorce is only a year old, and the separation another three years old, although it isn’t clear how long the present custody schedule has been in place. The kids may feel uprooted by the divorce, still. It takes everyone a different amount of time to get through life transitions like divorce.

Given all of this, I would suggest you give your situation more time. Taking your daughter to sleep at your boyfriend’s house is probably not prudent, even though you’ve been wise enough to not share a bedroom with your boyfriend during these overnights. Until you’re engaged to this man, I’d let your daughter stay on the sidelines of all of this. If you want to visit your boyfriend for overnights when his kids are not around, then having a grandmother babysit or, depending on your child’s age, a weekend sleepover with friends, that you can then reciprocate, is a better way for you to continue dating your boyfriend.

What you’re trying to do CAN be done, but sometimes it can feel like you and your boyfriend are two conductors in a three ring circus! 😆

Given all the players, you need more patience, understanding (and I can tell from your post that you have the maturity and intelligence to achieve this) and an allowance of letting him be the one to make the move in the relationship to get engaged and married. If he feels you’re pushing, he’s going to retreat. He’s got a harder situation to negotiate than you do. While having 100% custody of your daughter is tough because you’re a single parent, his having to co-parent three children (who may be naturally challenging teenagers) with a dysfunctional ex-spouse can be way harder than your lot.

Use this dating process, even if it is cumbersome, to further explore the relationship and to decide if his baggage in his ex-wife and children are going to work for you in any kind of permanent relationship for you and your daughter.

If he does propose and you accept and you do marry, you will need to open your mind as wide as possible to know that you won’t be having a Norman Rockwell family, but you can have a happy, flexible blended family that rolls with the punches that will inevitably be part of your lives together.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to get some crucial information before you proceed.

First of all, you need your fiance to show you his divorce order that was issued by the court in the state in which he divorced. Marriage and divorce are legal arrangements that are granted by the state. It’s naive of you to think that just because his (alleged) ex-wife isn’t wearing a ring doesn’t mean she isn’t still married to him. So make sure he is actually divorced. Immediately.

Second of all, you need to report the assault to the police. Violence is serious, and just because you think you “got the upper hand” in the altercation doesn’t mean the incident did not happen. So, call the police today, and file a report.

Third, you need to find out why your fiance was sleeping at his (possibly) ex-wife’s house. Whether or not they had sex, the fact that he would sleep there without a prior arrangement with you, is extremely suspicious.

Those are three flashing yellow lights you need to deal with pronto. 😕

In answer to your questions, a ring is just jewelry. It doesn’t imply a legal arrangement, so just because he gave you a ring and talked about marriage doesn’t mean you’re in any kind of legally binding arrangement. This is just like the fact that just because his ex isn’t wearing a ring doesn’t mean that he’s not married to her, still. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and have feelings for you, but it does mean you may be the mistress and not the fiance if he’s still married to his ex (?) wife.

You should not honor the engagement until you find out if your boyfriend is currently married. If he is, then you’re in deep trouble. If he isn’t, then you’re in a serious bind. But wait until you find out the facts of his marriage first.

You should absolutely feel badly about beating up anyone. What you did was wrong. If you are attacked, get to a safe place and call the police. Never strike back unless it’s in self defense.

As for your future together, hitting your possible future step-child’s mother should damage your relationship with that child. From the child’s point of view, you will have done something unforgivable. Violence is never the answer. Once things get straightened out, you owe both the mother and the child a sincere apology for your part in the violence.

As for your being pregnant, that’s a separate issue. First and foremost, take care of the top three items on the list, after you have that information, let me know what advice I can provide for you. I know you want a big, happy family, but you have to get some perspective on your situation first, and getting the facts will help you to do that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want her as a girlfriend, you’re going to have to start acting more like a boyfriend. This means stepping up your game. 😉 I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t advise you to buy my book (it’s only $14.95), called Date Out of Your League, written for men who want to get the girl. You can download it immediately, here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. You really should get it because it will give you a crash course on how to get this woman, and I’m going to just give you skeletal advice here. So, get the book! 😆

You have to understand that while you have feelings for this woman, your behavior is what she’s paying attention to, and except for the kissing at the party, it doesn’t sound like you’re really acting like you’re interested in her as a date. If you were, you’d ask her for her number, and invite her out on a date.

I agree with you that taking it slow is often a good strategy, but while you’re taking it slow, the actions you do take should be clear. Friending her on Facebook isn’t a clear sign that you’re interested in her as anything more than a friend. Wishing her a nice holiday season is also friend behavior. That’s why my book will really help you get your game on and your strategy in place.

Women love men who are confident and successful. She’ll be a lot more interested in you as a date if you act like a confident and successful dater. So go after her as if you want to date her, not as if you want to just be friends. You’ll be a lot less confused if your internal compass is pointing to “date” rather than “friend”.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you do get the book and if it helps you and how.

Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s how you get your guy: Understand that men love to chase women. It’s an integral part of who they are. They love to win, and in order to win, there has to be a challenge and a chase involved. That’s where you come in! 😉

If you don’t give your guy something to chase, he’s not going to feel like he’s won something. Well, maybe the booby prize, but that’s not going to get you anywhere. So, if you think your guy may be into you just for the hot kisses, and not for the relationship you’re looking for, then don’t be so available. If you make it harder for him to be with you, he’s going to value you and the time he gets with you a lot more than he has been.

To do this, flirt with him when you see him, so that he continues to be interested in you, [i]but[/i] make it a little harder for him to get you, than you have been. I know this is going to be a little tough on you because you want a commitment from this guy so much, but trust me. The only way you’re going to find out if he really wants you in the way that you want him is to change your strategy and be more of a valuable commodity (and that means not being so available, and when you are, being your best girlfriend self).

If he doesn’t chase you, then he’s not that into you. If he does, then you’re in a great position to see if he’s the guy YOU want.

You should treat yourself to a New Year’s present that will be a great relationship investment for getting the guy: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This is a book I’ve written for women who want to get the guy! And that’s you. There’s lots of step by step advice on how to achieve exactly what you want. I think it will help you a lot.

Let me know how things go!

[Member]

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