[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that you feel desperate. Unfortunately, you can’t get a woman who doesn’t want to be gotten — to the extent that she won’t take your calls or return your texts. She’s sending you a very clear message that she’s not interested. Your desperation comes from the fact that you know she’s not interested, you don’t like it one bit, and you want to change things, but deep down, you know you can’t.

My advice to you is to accept the fact that she’s not interested and start looking for a woman who’s actually available and interested in you. Feeling desperate is extremely uncomfortable, and that’s not how you should feel in a healthy relationship.

If you let her go, and start looking for someone who wants to be with you, returns your calls and your texts, then you’re going to stop feeling desperate and start feeling happy.

You didn’t get this girl — but I’m sure the next one will be a better situation! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you date a single parent, the circumstances are very different than when you date someone who has no children. The relationship your boyfriend has with his ex-wife is important because it makes the child’s life better because her parents get along in spite of the divorce. While this sounds simple, it can be very difficult for someone like yourself who is not prepared for the extent of the relationship you will have to have with your boyfriend’s ex if you want to be in a long term relationship with him.

Single parents’ relationships with their ex’s range from acrimonious to very chummy. Your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex tends towards the very chummy extreme. The good thing is that you found out the extent of this relationship BEFORE you moved in with him or even married him. Now, you have to decide if he is compatible with you given this relationship.

In answer to your questions, yes, this can be very normal behavior for a single parent, and no, you are not overreacting. Both yours and your boyfriends’ feelings and behaviors are normal. The problem is that they may not be compatible.

Think long and hard about continuing your relationship with your current boyfriend. If you do move forward, be prepared for Thanksgivings, Christmases and other holiday get togethers where his ex and their daughter will be included. The reality is that they are still a family, in spite of the divorce, because of their child. You may end up being the stepmother and second wife to your boyfriend. That said, he will always have his daughter in his life (and yours, if you continue with him), as well as her mother.

Be honest with yourself because being in love with your boyfriend isn’t enough to make this relationship work. You have to be very flexible, mature and understanding of the complicated family scenarios that will arise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The bottom line here is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Whatever reasons he gives you doesn’t change the fact that he’s not available to you.

When people don’t like what they see or hear, they try to rationalize situations so as to bend the truth. That’s what you’re doing, now. You’re trying to blame your ex-boyfriend for “making you” have oral sex with his friend and then using that as the reason for his not wanting to be with you. The reality is that you are an adult who chose to have sex with his friend in front of him. Judging from your excellent written communication skills, I strongly suspect “No” is in your vocabulary. So, it’s not fair for you to blame him for what you did.

That said, it’s a little strange for him to date you for an entire year after that incident, in what I’m assuming was a monogamous year of dating, and then suddenly throw that incident up as the reason for his not wanting to be with you any more. Either he really was traumatized by that incident, or he’s just looking for an excuse to get rid of you. 🙁 Either way, you lose.

Regardless of how much we analyze the situation, he’s not interested in you. And frankly, why would you want to be with a guy who gets drunk and wants you to have sex with his friend in front of him? There are plenty of guys who have too much to drink and their worst offense is falling asleep! Even if you did agree, his request was not something he was ultimately comfortable with. You can do better. Get back out there! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is stubborn and if he continues to put “his principles” ahead of his relationship with you, he’s going to wind up lonely. When you’re with someone who doesn’t compromise you can either agree to his way of doing things or you can leave.

The middle ground, however, is the best solution. See if he’s interested in this: compromise.

If you can both agree to disagree on issues, then the only problem is equalizing the number of wins you have and the number of wins he has. If he wins every single argument, then there’s not much space in the relationship for you. However, if he is willing to give you half of the wins even though he understands that they’re against his principles, but he’s going to give you the win because he loves you, you can both make this work.

In any long term relationship, no couple will agree all the time. Especially the longer the relationship exists. What keeps relationships together is compromise. This is a dynamic that children learn on the playground — under the guise of sharing. It comes harder to some people than others, but basically, it’s a way for people with different needs to coexist.

See if your boyfriend is willing to share and compromise. If not, you’ve got a losing relationship on your hands.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but he’s not interested. If he was, he wouldn’t tell you he was bored chatting with you and that this isn’t a serious relationship. If he liked you enough to date you, he’d make a date with you rather than postponing getting together.

The beauty of dating is that it’s a process that both people, the man and the woman, can use to see if their date is someone they like enough to pursue a relationship with. So while you may be bummed out that he isn’t interested in you, you should be REALLY glad that he isn’t wasting your time. Lots of men and women spend inordinate amounts of time with dates on the internet before they meet and realize there is no chemistry between them in real life.

Dating is really a numbers game, and the more people you date, if you date smart, the more likely it is that you’ll eventually meet someone fabulous for you! So figure out what it is about him that didn’t work, and vice verse.

My guess is that although you may be mature, you’re too young for him. If he’s 20 years old and working in a real job and living in another city, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that he’d want to date a 16 year old who’s in high school. You’re really living in two different worlds, and while it may feel exciting to be with an older man, at your age, this isn’t an ideal age gap.

I hope that helps, and while you’re disappointed, you should really just get back out there and see who’s there for you who’s more compatible this time around! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the two places you need to be careful about your behavior is:

1) Flirting too much with too many people

and

2) Being defensive because you’re afraid someone will cheat on you since you have a hurtful history of being cheated on

That’s for you to work on!

If Chett sees you flirting with everyone he may think that you’re a player who doesn’t think he’s special. So consider a campaign where you don’t flirt so much with other guys in front of him. This may give him the confidence to realize you like him more than other guys. Also, make sure that you don’t act witchy to him because you’re afraid of being hurt just because some other guy in your past cheated on you. Believe it or not, not all guys cheat! 😉 Chett, from what you describe, isn’t that type of guy.

So those are the proactive steps you can take to change your own behavior. What’s harder is the fact that you can’t make him do what you want him to do! 🙁 Seventeen year old guys aren’t always quick to ask girls out on dates, and Chett sounds like he’s not in a rush to do so. Given his speed is different than yours, and you’re very anxious for him to ask you out, it’s important that you be the one to give him something to chase — and not vice versa.

Don’t come on too strong, or act too desperate when you’re around him. That said, give him the greatest smile of all time, and flirt with him in a way that leaves him wanting more. I know you’re going to want to spend every minute with him, but if you can make it a habit to leave him first — especially when things are going really well — that may be just the bait on the hook he needs to go after you.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s less important why your girlfriend is asking you for space than that she is asking for it — and taking it. She’s acting like she wants to try out being single and I think you should pay attention to her actions. You can give the separation time, but if she continues to go clubbing with a guy friend, and not showing you the affection or time that she did when you were together, you should consider the fact that she’s closing out the relationship after three years.

She is comfortable having you as a friend who hangs out with her, now, but if you’re not comfortable with this transitional status, then you should take care of your own needs, just as she’s doing for herself. Chances are that if and when one or both of you starts dating someone else seriously, you both won’t feel as comfortable being just friends, as you do now.

So for now, let it ride, and be mindful of her behavior as your cue to the direction of the relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Breaking up with your fiance will not be the biggest mistake in your life — staying with him will.

First of all, at 17, you’re too young to be dating a 23 year old. In fact, having sex with him in many states constitutes statutory rape. You’re a legal minor. He’s an adult. He is taking advantage of you, and the fact that he wants a teenager for a girlfriend and wife tells you that there is something wrong with him. He could go to jail, and you could wind up in state custody since your mother allowed you to live with him.

Second of all, you should not be living with ANY boyfriend regardless of their age, when you are only 17. You need to be living with your parents or parent and going back to high school to finish REGULAR classes, not getting your GED. You need to go to football games, proms and hang out with other kids your own age.

Third of all, you are too young to get married.

Fourth, regardless of your age, you should not get engaged TO ANYONE after three months. As you now know, that’s not enough time to get to know someone and find out who they really are. Thank goodness you didn’t marry him already.

So, here’s your job: You need to go back home to your mom today. She is right. Your boyfriend is a dangerous guy who’s trying to control you, and he’s succeeding. Take back your power as a young woman and do the right thing. Tomorrow, go back to high school and ask the guidance counselor how you can re-enroll immediately. It doesn’t matter if you have to do an extra year or summer school to catch up. Do it.

Once you’re back, living with your parents or parent, no more dating guys who are in their 20s when you’re a teen. Cultivate friends who want to have age appropriate fun and success and stick with that group.

I hope after reading this post, if you still don’t know what to do, you follow my directions anyway. Your boyfriend is a loser who has a screw loose for wanting to date, live with and marry a teenager. Don’t fall into his trap. Go home, get back in school, and then write me with any other questions so I can help you stay on track.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As you are figuring out, it’s not that hard to get sex from a woman. It’s not even that hard to get a date or a girlfriend. What is more difficult, and gives you a much bigger payoff, is finding Ms. Right. 🙂

You sound like you’ve been a combination of insecure and lazy when it comes to dating. When you write that this woman you’ve been thinking about for years now, was first introduced to you, you were scared. I’m betting that that feeling of fear (of rejection) was what kept you from asking her out on a date. You’ve remained lazy in your dating behavior by choosing girls with whom you could get sex, but not much more.

Today’s the day you get to turn your life around, roll up your sleeves and start dating with a purpose — that purpose being finding a woman who is as terrific as you are and one who brings out your best qualities, because they are naturally hers, too.

I’ve written a book called Date Out of Your League for men who are afraid to go after the girl they want because they think they’re not good enough for her and can’t get her, so why bother? This book will help you understand how to get the woman you want — page by page there are tips and pieces of advice that will help you get up your best game and self so you can get the best woman! Download the book for $14.95 (bargain!) here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

Read the book, then dust off that old phone number for the woman you’ve been thinking about all these years, and dial her up. You deserve a great woman, so go get her! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Cutipie91 definitely has a point! Let us know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your problem isn’t this guy. Your problem is [i]your need to be with him[/i]. What is it about him that makes you want him?

There is no way any woman should want a man who is chronically cheating on her, especially when she’s pregnant, like your fiance has. Don’t you want a man who wants to commit to you and be loyal to you? And if not, why?

Your guy has an established pattern of not being ready to commit to you for any long term. Marriage isn’t going to change that. He’s not a good guy for you.

My suggestion for you is going to be very difficult, I’m afraid, because you seem to go to great lengths, including cutting yourself, to try and control his behavior. You will never control him. Nothing you do will work in the long run to that end. He may appear to be loyal, but he’s already shown you who he is. Your job is to be [i]without[/i] him, and focus on being healthy.

If — and only if — you can be okay without him, then it’s time for you to start looking for a man who respects you and wants to be with you. The lengths you go to to control a man are about your inability to accept reality. There are good guys and there are bad guys and your job is to find yourself Mr. Right, not Mr. Wrong. You can’t change a Mr. Wrong by cutting yourself or pleading for him to be different.

So, slow down and breathe. Nothing terrible is going to happen to you if this guy is no longer in your life. You’ll be without a man, but that will be temporary. The trick in relationships is first of all, to be okay yourself, and only then, can you start looking for Mr. Right.

I hope this helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may be nice, but you’re not acting smart. More like a doormat, really. Your ex-boyfriend and sometime lover is really a loser. 🙄 He is mean, disrespectful, and puts your life in danger by taking the condom off in the middle of sex with you, when you know he’s sleeping with other women.

Why on earth would you consider giving him the time of day? Don’t you deserve better than this? (YES!!)

Since you seem to be having trouble breaking away, and you absolutely need to get him out of your life as of yesterday, here’s how:

1. Stop taking his calls.

2. Don’t return his texts or calls or e-mails.

3. If he does manage to reach you, simply say, “I don’t want to see you again.” Then hang up or walk away.

It’s really that easy. If you continue to be “nice” (which is really code for being a chump in this case), and let him sleep at your house when he’s locked out of his, continue to see him after he told you to disappear out of his life, and have sex with him when you know he’s already put you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy during sex, you’re going to be miserable.

Stop your behavior today, and start looking for a really great guy to date — no more losers. You have a responsibility to yourself to do right by you. Start taking that responsibility seriously. Don’t give yourself credit for being “nice.” Instead, give yourself credit every time you do something smart! 🙂 Dating smart is important if you want to be happy in a relationship. If you’re not sure how to do it, check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] for $15.95. It’s a great book for people who need support in getting out of a Mr. Wrong rut, and onto the Mr. Right track.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First love and the impending first break up can be very, very hard on teenagers, so you are not alone in your feelings of despair over the break up. 🙁 Time will heal your heart, but there are other things you can do to feel better about your life, and not focus so much on the break up or on what you lost in your ended relationship.

One of the things you can do is to understand that teenage boys and teenage girls are different from each other. Boys don’t usually need as much attention as girls do, so your ex-boyfriend coming into your life, post break up, and then leaving for weeks on end, is very normal [i]for [b]him[/b][/i]. You, on the other hand, are a lot more sensitive to the time apart from him. You get your hopes built up every time he comes back to you, and then your heart is dashed each time he goes away again. While this pattern works for him, it clearly isn’t working for you. If you understand this dynamic and how it affects your feelings, you can choose to see him or not see him because of how it will make you feel. This requires some emotional distance on your part, which will be a test at your age — but I think you’re up to it! 😉 While you may desire his attention with your heart, use your brain to understand what you need to feel good not just in the moment, but over the course of the week. Seeing him like this, off and on, feels good in the moment, but during the week, when he’s not there, it feels rotten. It’s like candy — it tastes great when you’re eating it, but it’s bad for your teeth, your energy, your health, and basically, it’s just a quick fix. While your boyfriend was everything to you when you were in a relationship with him, now that you’re broken up, his visits are like that quick fix. It feels good to be with him when you see him, then rotten when he leaves. Treat your ex-boyfriend like candy. Use sparingly! 😆

The other thing you can do to get over him is to focus on yourself and what you do have — not so much what you’ve lost. I bet you’re pretty and healthy and maybe you’re athletic or artistic or social — use your assets to live your life so you can be productive and enjoy things. Put yourself in situations with positive people who have the same goals as you do — whether they’re social goals, educational goals, family goals, job goals, etc. This will get rid of the vacuum your break up created and instead, give you a rich life that a new boyfriend (and yes, you will have a second boyfriend at some point down the line) will enhance.

Hang in there, and make yourself the star of your own show. The curtain came down on Mr. Ex-Boyfriend. Time to set the stage for the next act in the blockbuster that you are making your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend showed you his true colors by breaking up with you, dating a lot of people, and adding insult to injury by dating and sleeping with a good friend of yours. It is a mistake to take him back. So, don’t! ❗

The gift you have in all of this is that you saw his true colors BEFORE you got married and had children. Now, you have to take yourself more seriously than you have been. Marriage and family are way more important than just dating. But dating shows you who people are so that you can make wise decisions about marriage and family. Not everyone is up to the task, and it sounds like your boyfriend’s recent history is showing you that he is not your Mr. Right. There is no reason to believe he won’t grow tired or bored or just be finished with you, again, some time in the future.

When you look for someone with whom to marry and have children, you have to think outside the box. The reasons you want to marry this man and have children with him don’t work any more. Do you really want your children to have a father who may abandon you and sleep with your best friend (or their teacher or their best friend’s mother) down the line? If you can think about the future and really set marriage and family as a goal for yourself, you’ll understand how your ex-boyfriend isn’t going to work in your world any more.

I know you have sentiment for what you used to have with him before his indiscretions, but the reality is his behavior doesn’t display any kind of readiness for marriage and children. I’d say I’m sorry for breaking this news to you, but I’m not. I’m glad to be able to steer you off the wrong path, and onto the right one.

Pick up my book, Think & Date Like A Man, here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] for $15.95. It’s an immediate download, and you can start reading about how to get back out there, find Mr. Right, and get him.

You’re going to have to put yourself first from here on in because if you want to be a good wife and a good mother in the future, you’re going to have to make good choices in men first! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to have you here. 😀

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