[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome! Glad to have you here, and look forward to hearing more from you. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are the only person who is making yourself confused. You are doing it because you don’t want to accept reality. Here are the facts:

1. He doesn’t want to kiss you.

2. He doesn’t want to have sex with you.

3. He hasn’t contacted you in 2 weeks.

You can twist the facts in your head to make yourself believe he’s still there for you, all you want. The reality is you’re both married to other people, and he is afraid you are going to make drama and put his marriage in jeopardy. He’s breaking up with you, and that’s the bottom line. You knew it, deep down, when you wrote me, and I want you to understand the reality so you can help yourself — realistically.

Your “confusion” and denial of the facts are the same behavior that has kept you in this relationship and brought you to write me because you are scared he’s “quickly drifting away.” You’re right. He is. And your fear is the problem you need to deal with. That fear comes not from this particular man drifting away, but from your needs for attention not being met by this man, or by your husband.

Focus on you. Focus on your needs — and not the derivative need of keeping this guy on the hook, but your REAL needs for security, communication and intimacy. Those are needs everyone has to some degree. Respect yourself by taking care of yourself. You can do it — but if you keep pulling the wool over your eyes, you’ll stay in the same pattern you’re in.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend is probably a good guy who’s waiting until he has a job again, to ask you out on a date. I know that sounds twisted, but if you understand men, you’ll see it makes a lot of sense.

Men who are serious about you will want to be in a certain position in their own lives before they can become involved in a relationship with you. You have to understand the psychology of men so you don’t make yourself crazy. They want to be able to chase you, win you over, and then provide for you. I know some people think it’s old fashioned to think this way — but I’ve found that the successful relationships come when the men are really ready to be in the relationship they choose to be in. Too many relationships fall apart because a man doesn’t feel good about himself. The best and most stable relationships hang together through the tough times because both people have faith and confidence in [i]themselves[/i].

Because your friend is older than you are, he has more experience with relationships than you do, and he probably knows himself well enough to know he’s got to get his own act together before he asks you out, and forges into a relationship with you. Clearly, he likes you — and he likes you well enough not to want to put you into a precarious relationship when he’s not as stable as he could be.

Hang in there — he likes you, and he respects you. That he is getting you a ride to church while he’s away is a very good sign of his feelings for you and his own character. Don’t push. Don’t get neurotic. Just try to understand his own point of view on his relationship with you, and respect it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! Your friend likes you and he has a crush on you. 🙂

Since you’re in 11th grade, you’re probably 16 or 17, and so is your crush. Young men and women at that age are rarely on the same page when it comes to being mature, expressing feelings, communicating and being ready for a relationship. The confusion you’re feeling when it comes to your crush is because at age 16 or 17, he’s not quite sure how to handle his own emotions and his behavior. He’s doing the best that he can — but you’re a little more mature than he is right now, so you don’t understand why he’s not doing what you expect.

It helps to try and put yourself in his shoes — I know that’s a tough task, but try it. He doesn’t have a lot of dating experience under his belt, so even though he already has a girlfriend, he still likes you, and isn’t sure how to handle all that. He may like both his girlfriend and you – in different ways. He is most likely afraid of trying something new — namely dumping his girlfriend, with whom he has a comfortable relationship — in order to be your boyfriend, when he isn’t sure how that will work out for him.

He’s probably going to stay with his girlfriend until he is 150% sure that you will be his girlfriend and the two of you will have a nice relationship together. That’s going to make you confused, frustrated and impatient if you don’t empathize with him — so listen up! The one thing you need to learn about relationships is that any relationship is the sum total of two peoples’ feelings and behavior, so just because you’re ready, doesn’t mean he is. You’re going to have to wait, or move on.

My suggestion is you wait this one out because it sounds like you really like him, and he’s giving you some positive feedback about how much he likes you. If you and he were older, I’d say move on, but since you’re both teenagers, and are figuring out dating and relationships, give yourself and him some extra leeway. Wait for him.

The other constraint about being in high school is that somehow ( 😆 ) everyone knows everyone else’s business. So if you start flirting with other guys while you’re waiting for your crush to come around and realize you’re the greatest girl ever, your crush may take your flirting with others for disinterest in him. It’s amazing how fast the gossip grapevine works in small, enclosed communities like high schools! So, wait for him, and keep giving him positive feedback and sending him signals that you like him and want to be with him — without jumping in his lap! 😉

I hope that helps — good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is ending the affair with you, and he’s doing it gradually so as to avoid an emotional drama. He no longer feels the two of you are compatible, and it’s no use arguing with him. He’s made up his mind.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I think it may help you to hear this.

What’s really the problem here is not your boyfriend or your marriage. The real problem is that your need for attention, communication, intimacy and connection is not being met. It’s not being met by your husband and it’s not being met by your boyfriend. If you can get this need met, you won’t be uncomfortable, unhappy and panicked.

You haven’t really said why you’re unhappy in your marriage, but my guess is that you don’t want to do the work required to get your needs met in the marriage. And you don’t want to do the work to end your marriage and try to get your needs met outside of the marriage with someone who’s ready and willing to be with you the way you want.

My prescription for your happiness is to roll up your sleeves, and do the work that most people don’t want to do. It’s easy to see that a snowy walk has to be shoveled in order to walk it comfortably and safely. It’s easy to see a task your boss hands you needs to be done in order to continue to be employed. What is less easy for many people to see is that making relationships work is just as much work, and the same intensity of work as shoveling a snowy walk or completing a work project! The structure of work in relationships, however, isn’t always as clear, and the pitfalls of not doing the work are equally invisible for many people.

Since you already know that your needs are intimacy and communication, you have to find a way to get those needs met. The easiest place to do that work is in the marriage you already have! But to do that work you have to face your fear of discomfort and find a way to sit down with your husband and talk to him about what you miss in your marriage, why you married him in the first place, and what you’d like to have happen now.

One talk isn’t going to do it. It’s going to be a process to get your feelings across to him — especially if you haven’t [i]really talked [/i] in a while. You’re also going to have to practice listening and hearing your husband’s thoughts and concerns about why your needs aren’t being met, and what’s going on with him. Again, this is a process, and if you think it’s going to be easy or “candy-like” in enjoyability, you’re mistaken. It’s work. Treat it as work. And do it! 😉

You’re going to have to practice spending time with your husband during which you can get your needs met. You may have to schedule date nights during the week, and while it may feel forced and cumbersome, it’s a way to start getting to know each other, enjoying each other, and taking care of each others’ needs. You’ve probably been having a “silent divorce” within your marriage where you don’t communicate or even care about each others’ needs for some time now. It’s time to bridge that gap and reconnect with him.

Next, find common projects that you and your husband mutually enjoy. They may be giving dinner parties together, re-decorating a room or taking on a home improvement project, planning a trip — or something else that you both will like doing. Then do it together.

Try texting your husband multiple times a day, and ask him to text you back. Send him the e-mails, give him the phone calls and get the reciprocal communication from him that you have wanted and not gotten for some time, from your lover.

If you find that there is no reason to stay in your marriage, and just can’t do what I’m suggesting above, then you have to (once again) roll up your sleeves and start divorce proceedings so that you can accept your failed marriage, get divorced, and be single and available to find love, romance, companionship and intimacy with a man who is ready, willing and available! For someone who is afraid to do work, or who is too lazy to do work, divorce is going to seem super scary. My point is that you’re going to be unhappy in your marriage if you don’t do the work, and unhappy and scared as a divorcee if you don’t do the work. So while the relationship work may seem distasteful to you, it’s the lesser of all possible evils right now. And besides — once you get over your work-phobia, you may even find life long happiness as as result!

Either way, I’m asking you to accept the reality that your lover is leaving you and it’s time for you to accept your needs and get them met.

I hope that that helps. The holidays are a wonderful time to start fresh and focus on renewing your life and giving it the jump start it sounds like it’s needed for some time now.

😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hopefully, you can now review my response. Let me know if you’re still having trouble. I can see it fine, so if you can’t, it may be a tech support problem for your browser company.

Let me know if you can get my response.

And Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hmmmmm…..that’s a funny last response. Maybe Dorothy has more than online dating confusion! 😆

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really depends on why he’s talking to her and what he’s saying to her. It also depends on how the two you resolved his infidelity.

If you tell me more, I’ll do the same! 😆

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re the one who’s giving her the mixed signals! 😕 If you like her and want to date her, you have to let her know how you feel. From her point of view, you just want to be friends.

If you want to ask her out on a date, then do it. When you invite her to do friend things, then that’s what she’s going to come away with — a friend vibe. If she likes you, and all she thinks you want is to be friends, then that’s how she’s going to respond to you, so as not to get hurt.

Date Out of Your League [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] is a book I’ve written for men who want to get the girl, and are confused — just like you are. I think you’ll benefit a lot more from this book than from anything I can post in this short space. You’ll get lots of tips and advice on behavior you can employ to let her know you’re interested, and to figure out what she means by her body language, and her verbal responses. You’ll also read about what woman want in a man — and I think you’ll be surprised!

So for now, buy the book ($14.95 is a very reasonable price to learn how to achieve success with women — in fact, it’s a steal!), and read it. Then invite your friend out for a real date, in which she understands your intentions. This will give her the opportunity to express her feelings through her behavior, and if you’re both compatible and interested in exploring what there is between the two of you, you’ll be on the[b] right[/b] road to a romance. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You definitely need to dial up your boyfriend behavior, and since you are very clear that you need some help with this, you should buy yourself a Christmas present tonight. Download my book, Date Out of Your League, written for men just like you who need some support and hints about being the boyfriend to the woman they want. You can download it immediately here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

This book will give you lots of information you need about how to act around women you want — and how to do it so that you end up getting them. Let me know, after you read the book, what worked, specifically, for you.

Basically, you have to learn to take charge of the date, and call her on Tuesday to ask her out for Saturday. You need to have the plans set up in advance, and don’t leave so much of it up in the air. Tell her you’ll pick her up, and don’t get drunk! Not on this date.

Read the book, and I’ll be very interested to hear how things go once you use the tips and advice in it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Cristi and I are on the same page! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you wrote that you and your boyfriend have had a rocky road except for the past two months — and then you found some suspicious text messages from him to another woman, I’m thinking that your upset is not just about the text messages. These text messages seem to be the cherry on the sundae that is that rocky road you describe as most of your two year relationship.

Your putting him on a pedestal was probably a mistake. Most people make mistakes and are human — and some just aren’t in the right relationship at the right time. The real question for you is, can you get over this feeling of his betraying you? If you can’t, then you’ll never have peace in the relationship. When you write that you’re now bitter, it seems like you really want a man that you can feel you can face the world, or any problem, with, hand in hand. You’re looking for a guy with a strong character who is ready to commit to you and not need cheap thrills from flirting with other women.

You may have miscalculated with this current boyfriend. Sometimes these problems that come to light aren’t really problems — they’re gifts. They show you that the guy you’re with isn’t the right guy for you, and rather than be grateful that you’ve found out before you spend too much time on the wrong guy, you get angry that you mistook Mr. Wrong for Mr. Right. Oops!

You can try and let time pass and see if your boyfriend shapes up. However, since he feels like you’re being overly dramatic in your reaction to finding out about his secret text messages, he may not be tolerant of your hurt feelings, and what you really need is someone who is understanding and willing to compromise with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right to wonder if you’re the rebound girlfriend, but the way to figure this out is to take it slowly. You don’t sound ready to rush into marriage, and that’s good. If you two date for a year, you should have a better idea at that time about what you want from your boyfriend — and yourself. If you’re not ready to get married, then don’t. You don’t have to go along with his schedule. You have your own ability to say yes or no!

However, what you have to understand is that some men are just ready to marry when they’re ready to marry. This works both ways. Your boyfriend is on the younger side of this behavior, wanting to marry by age 25. Some men at age 40 still aren’t ready, and their girlfriends of five years are wondering when their guy will pop the question.

When I advise women who want to marry how to choose a guy, I always tell them that there are certain signs that show a man is ready to marry. One of them is that he’ll start acting like he’s part of a married couple. He’ll want to double date with other couples, and his friends will be married guys, not so much single guys. He’ll bring you around to meet his family and friends. He’ll be in a certain point in his career where he’ll be able to get married without being distracted by job and money issues that plague people who are not as settled.

If your guy seems like he fits the criterion of a man who is ready to marry, socially, emotionally and career and financially, then you may just have a marrying type on your hands! 🙂 Then, the question is, do you want to be his wife?

If he’s dated you for a year or more, I don’t think you have to worry so much about being the rebound girl.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so glad that I was able to help! 🙂

Now, let’s see if I can help you get through some more confusion with this woman!

You’re right to be unsettled that she showed up 50 minutes late to your first date. That’s downright rude, and unless she had a good excuse and a lavish apology, you have every right to put your flashing yellow light on with this woman. People who are normally late and expect you to go along with their sense of time, are usually very self centered and rude. However….I suggest you give her another shot since it sounds like a lot of the date went well, and it’s possible she wasn’t one hundred percent sure that this was a full on date.

You need to understand that when you’re the guy on the date you’re the one who’s supposed to be buying the drinks. You shouldn’t let her buy your beers. 😕 What this indicates to her is that you’re not full on board as boyfriend material. It’s friend behavior, not boyfriend behavior. It also sounds like she gave you a ride home, rather than you doing the driving. I know that you were kind of sloshed, so you were glad to have the ride, but first of all, you shouldn’t get drunk on a first date because it keeps you from being attentive. Second of all, you’re supposed to be the guy with the car who’s driving her home, not vice versa.

You still need to dial up that boyfriend behavior rather than just a friend with benefits behavior.

My suggestion is to quit texting her and to call her up on an old fashioned cell phone, and invite her to dinner with you at 7 p.m. on a Saturday night. Make the restaurant a nice one with table cloths and cloth napkins, as well as candles. You make arrangements to pick her up at her place, and bring her flowers when you show up. She won’t be able to mistake this for anything other than what it is: a traditional date.

Whether or not you two click and have compatibility and chemistry is yet to be seen, but what you will have is no miscommunication about what it is you’re doing: dating her!

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your virginity is that important to you, and you’ve held out for 11 months because of this tradition, then it would make sense to wait until marriage, and his conversion to your religion for you to give him your virginity. I suspect that if he marries you, you will feel more comfortable giving up your virginity than if you give it to him because he promises to marry you, but hasn’t yet.

If your splitting the costs of dates is because you’re both college students, I suppose that’s understandable, but it’s not very chivalrous. Even footing the total bill for a frugal date like a picnic, or a pizza in front of the television on movie night, shows more consideration of your being his girlfriend, than splitting everything. Some people don’t care about splitting the check, but since your virginity is important to you, I suspect you are traditional in other ways. Honor yourself, by honoring your traditions. If you decide to let go of traditions make sure you do it for you, not for someone else who is not committed to you in any way.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[Member]

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