[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to go to the police, immediately, and report what happened. Your boyfriend is extremely dangerous, and if you don’t do something, you will end up dead, and if it’s not you who ends up dead, he will kill someone else. He is violent, abusive and disturbed. The fact that he has a gun, and used it on you the way he did is of extreme concern. You are not safe if you are with him, and you are not safe if you do not report his actions to the police and ask for their help. The police are the people who’s help you need now.

Forgot about being financially depending on this guy. I know that is one of your concerns, but you won’t be going to college or living in an apartment if he kills you. You’ll be six feet under. College and apartments take a big back seat to your health and safety. Get your priorities in order.

You are in danger, and you need to go to the police immediately. Do not go back to the apartment — even if it means losing every single thing in the apartment. If you want your things back, ask the police to help you get them.

Please let me know what happens.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I could help. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hmmmmm….your boyfriend may be chronically lazy in life, but you, my dear, are the one who’s lazy in love! 😮

It’s time for you to start working at finding a man who is compatible with you. This work isn’t easy, and it’s different from the work you have to do to achieve a bachelor’s degree or even a master’s degree. It requires introspection and learning to know yourself and what you want in a relationship, and how you want to feel when you’re with a man. Clearly your current boyfriend who you profess to love, doesn’t satisfy your needs as a person. You have way too many (legitimate) complaints about a man who has clearly established his patterns as a person.

Breaking up and getting back out in the dating world is hard work, but it’s the work I’d like to see [b]you[/b] doing. Buy my book (it’s inexpensive at $15.95) online [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], (and it was written for women to learn how to get the man they [i]want[/i]) and read it. Stop being lazy in love, and muscle up your romantic life! Your current boyfriend may be lovable, but he’s not Mr. Right. At least not for you! 😕

Sorry to be blunt with you (here it comes!), but you need to break up with your lovable loser, read my book so you have all the tips, advice and support you need, consult me here when you’re confused, and start doing the real work that is necessary to find someone who is compatible with your lifestyle and personality.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your feelings are very normal, and shared by a lot of men and women who go off to college wondering how to hold on to or let go of their hometown boyfriends and girlfriends. What you have to remember is that you’re going through a transition in YOUR life. You’re moving on and expanding your own life by going away to college. This isn’t just an educational transition. It’s a social one, and a time of interpersonal growth as well as growth within yourself. Your thoughts, ideas, and relationships are going to be shaken up, and your relationship with your hometown boyfriend is one of those relationships.

First of all, he’s not really like a brother, even though you think he is. If he was truly like a brother, he’d be there forever. The reality is that he’s a boyfriend, and while you may be interested in exploring the world, and dating other men right now, his feelings may not match yours. In fact, he may become hurt, angry, or perhaps understanding of your feelings. Regardless, you do risk losing him if you date other men.

That said, it’s important not to get stuck in a rut. This is a perfect time in your life to explore dating other men, and your boyfriend at home is going to understand this even if he doesn’t like it. Being truthful with him is important. It honors your feelings about him and about yourself. So follow your instincts about telling him what you want, and how you feel, rather than dating behind his back, even if he may not find out.

Then understand that this step in your life involves risk because you respect both your boyfriend and yourself. He may not be able to be your friend while you’re dating other men, and in fact, you may not be able to be his friend if he decides to date other women, as well. But this is a risk you need to take because it’s the honest and respectful way to handle your situation.

Time is a wonderful healer of wounds. If you do happen to lose your boyfriend as a friend by breaking up with him, if you continue to contact him a couple of times a year, regardless of where you are in your own romantic life, chances are, he will eventually be in a place where he does want to be friends with you — even if you’re both dating other people. And if he doesn’t want to be your friend again, you will always know in your heart what a great guy he was and is, and that your decision to move on was an honest one that was the right thing for you to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have to disagree with you when you write that teenagers don’t know what love is. I believe they do. But it’s teenage love — as opposed to adult love or even mature love that spans decades. That said, the feelings you have as a teenager are valid and very real.

What you will come to know is that love is not enough to make a relationship that is day to day and face to face, work. In marriages, love ebbs and flows, and sometimes it even comes and goes. What keeps people who love each other enough, together, is commitment, compatibility and shared values.

Dating relationships like the one you have with your two year boyfriend, work because you both like each other enough, and have similar values relating to how you want to spend your time and what you want to do with that time.

Your cross country friend for whom you have feelings of love, is a friend that you love. Unless or until one of you moves, you will never have a day to day dating relationship. The feelings you have for him are valid feelings, but your life, for now, is in a different state that is not even a car ride away. It’s a plane ride away. It’s not practical for you to forsake your day to day life for a long distance relationship at your age.

This is especially true when you write about wanting to be able to date while you’re in high school. You know yourself well enough to understand that doing all the things teenagers can do in high school, like attending dances, going to basketball games or swim meets as a couple with a group of friends, holding hands and making out, are important to you. Your two year boyfriend meets your needs to have the kind of life you want to have now.

So rather than let go of your feelings for your cross country crush, accept the reality of your situation, and know that the needs you personally have, to enjoy your high school life, can’t be met by a bi-coastal, teenage boyfriend.

I hope that helps.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It seems like your anger stems from a couple of places.

First of all, you may have been angry to see your ex-husband succeed in love with [i]any[/i] woman, regardless of whether it was someone you were once close with, friendly with — or didn’t know at all. It’s very normal for a divorced person to want to see his or her ex-spouse fail in love so that they can feel as if the marriage’s failure was their ex’s fault, and not their own. When marriages fail it’s normal for everyone to want to blame somebody, and the ex-spouse is the typical target. When the ex lands on his own two feet, it’s harder to blame him for the failure of your own marriage.

The remedy for this is your ability to understand the process you’re going through. If you can analyze and accept the reasons that you and your ex-husband married, loved each other, and then failed in your marriage, you will be much slower to point fingers at him. You’ll begin to see the divorce as just a part of your journey and not the main event in your life. I know that this is hard to do, but you are so honest in your feelings and your post that I trust you have the power to do this. Honesty is important in self awareness. You have it in spades. 🙂

Second of all, there is a loss of privacy when your ex-husband hooks up with someone you know, and someone your friends know, too. Divorced people vent. Frequently. It’s part of the way they heal from the trauma of a divorce. Usually they vent to friends — and sometimes even strangers. Anybody works. The secrets and intimacies which were your marriage are now fodder for gossip among your crowd because your ex-husband is dating your boyfriend’s ex-wife, and you all share a social set. This must feel like a terrible betrayal to you, knowing that your ex-husband and his girlfriend are giggling over his spin on your marriage’s failure.

The remedy for this loss of privacy is to take a look at your own behavior right now, and your own friends. Be careful what you say and who you say it to. Ultimately, people will overlook gossip, and they are way more understanding than you may imagine right now, when you’re feeling wounded. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and do stick to the truth, no gossip, and honor your friendships.

Third, you are experiencing an exponential loss of control in learning of your ex-husband’s relationship with your boyfriend’s ex-wife. Divorce is a terrible loss of control. (Divorce with children, even more so.) Your ex-husband’s behavior is no longer something that you are responsible for nor is it something you have to be linked to. The flip side of that is he may act like a total jackass, and now that he’s single, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, nor is it any of your business as long as it doesn’t affect you.

The remedy for this loss of control is to remember what it is that you actually do have control over: your own behavior — and that’s it. Your ex-husband’s dating your boyfriend’s ex-wife may seem like it has to do with you, but the reality is that all four of you are legally single, consenting adults. You’re not breaking the law, cheating on each other or purposefully hurting each other.

Lastly, remember that you are not a victim. If your relationship with your ex-husband’s girlfriend’s ex-husband gets too emotionally and socially burdensome for you, you can always quit him! You’re single now, and you have freedom that you didn’t have in your marriage. So consider your own options as escape valves. 🙂

I think it would be a great idea for you to expand your circle of friends as well. As a single woman (even if you do have a boyfriend), having other single women as friends — especially women who have gone through divorces themselves — will make you feel supported, free, and not as reliant on your married friends and coupled friends for intimacy, friendship and people to whom you vent about your life.

I hope that helps — your situation is definitely complicated and your feelings are all justified, but you can get out of this rut you’re in right now, unscathed. You just have to consider your options and do the work.
😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She definitely likes you, and isn’t just being nice. 🙂 The way you can tell is that she flirts with you, laughs at your jokes even when they’re not funny, 😆 gave you her number, and has agreed to go on 2 dates with you. That adds up to her definitely liking you!

The reason you’re confused, I think, is because you’re the one who isn’t acting straightforward. I know that may sound like a shock to you, and you may even refute it — but before you do, hear me out.

When you met her and asked for her number, you already had a girlfriend and apparently told her so. That’s a mixed message to any woman. But, she gave you her number anyway — [i]because[/i] she was interested, but didn’t want to get hurt, so she told you she just wanted to be friends with you. She gave you a mixed message right back at you!

Her flirting with you in spite of this showed that she liked you as more than a friend, and now you’re not sure why she’s flirting, but still dating someone else (albeit not a “boyfriend”), and going back and forth with you. I think the reason for her flip flopping is due to your initial cue to her that you weren’t one hundred percent into a standard relationship. In your mind you really wanted her, but your behavior showed her that you were only luke warm.

While it may have taken all your courage to ask for her number, she only knows you asked for it while you were with someone else. From her point of view, you could easily be a player. Whether or not you were or are, the reality, from her eyes, is not as clear as it is from your own.

Since that time, 2 and a half months ago, she’s been with a guy who she’s not very serious about (you call him her 2 month guy), and you’ve asked her out twice. This is all pretty normal dating behavior for 2 people who like each other, and are playing the field.

It’s not reasonable for you to expect her to drop all other guys she’s interested in and possibly dating just because you’ve asked her out on two dates in two months. If you really like her, you have to be the one to set the tone for the relationship rather than waiting for her to tell you or act like you’re her boyfriend. If you want to be her “official boyfriend” then you have to do the work to become that — but it’s a process. It’s not something that’s discussed, agreed upon, and enacted, like a business contract. Romantic relationships are a lot less structured. That said, there is a structure to dating that works.

Dial up the dating behavior, and dial down the friend behavior. If you like her as more than a friend, treat her that way: ask her out more often, and spend more face time together and less text time and phone time together. The internet and your cell phone are both great tools for communication, but don’t mistake cyber time for a real, live relationship.

It’s entirely possible that she’s taking her cues from you, and therefore treating your relationship as one that could go either way — friends or lovers.

I hope that helps! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wanna get a laugh? Give the gift they’re not expecting!

For your ex: A membership to an online dating service.

For your mom: A pile of self-help books. Then when she’s about to blow her stack, give her a piece of GOOD jewelry, thanking her for putting up with your sense of humor. If she’s still steamed tell her that the books were really supposed to be for dad — not her. A get out of making dinner card — gift certificates for local restaurants so she can order instead of shopping, chopping and serving.

For your dad: An extreme sports weekend (heli-skiing, sky diving or bungee jumping), and a gift basket of ice packs, heating pads and Advil.

For your sibling: Clothes — in your size, not theirs. Oops!

For your girlfriend (if you’re a guy): Flashcards that say: You owe me an apology, now! that she can flash when you just don’t get it. And a weekend at a spa — for her to use in case the flash cards don’t work out.

For your boyfriend (if you’re a woman): Yourself, naked, wrapped in holiday wrapping paper — or cellophane. Trust me.For your spouse: A heartfelt letter appreciating them, accompanied by a gift certificate for the sex act of their choice, and a beautiful token of your holiday spirit — from Neiman’s, Tiffany’s or somewhere very special and splurge-like. If you’re flush: A hybrid with a recycled bow on top! And if you’re smart as a whip, I have a great holiday gift idea for men, women and couples for the holidays. MY BOOKS!! And the best part is that you can buy them as e-books on my website, https://www.AskApril.com, and that means: 1. No fighting mall human traffic jams. 2. No looking for a parking place to shop. 3. No wrapping necessary. 4. All you need to do is go online and buy!!

FOR SINGLE WOMEN: Think & Date Like A Man. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]Do you know the signs a man gives when he’s ready to be in a committed relationship? Do you know what to do to attract and date (and marry) successful men? Do you know when to have sex in a relationship? Are you a woman who’s relationships end in disappointment and anger or tears? Or both? Is there always something wrong with your relationship, or with the men you date? Does it seem impossible to meet the right guy? Do you go on date after date — but never have a boyfriend who sticks?If you answered yes to one of the above questions, then you’re the woman Think & Date Like A Man was written for, if you have the courage to read it!

FOR SINGLE MEN: Date Out Of Your League. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]Are you tired of dating all the wrong women, or worse, of having no dates at all? Do you want to learn the secrets about women that most men will never know? Are you ready to start dating the women you want — not the ones you settle for? Do you wish you could date out of your league — but are afraid you’ll get shot down? Don’t be. Not any more. You can date out of your league — and Date Out Of Your League will tell you exactly how to do it! Date Out Of Your League takes you by the hand and walks you through all the steps, while revealing the secrets for what to do (and what not to do) to get the women you’ve always wanted, but never thought you’d have a shot at.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them, and am glad I could help.

From your last post it sounds like the problem that really needs attention is how you can find someone to date who is not abusive — without distancing yourself entirely from them. Trust me — there is a middle ground! 🙂 Your instinct to be protective of yourself is understandable and a good one. But try to date people who you can actually meet up with in person. You can still protect yourself and date in person.

Take baby steps, and make sure you play the field and not attach yourself to any one person prematurely. Consider dating a process, and get to know the men you date as thoroughly as you can early on. Don’t date anyone too often too early. It seems like you were eager to attach to this last guy before you ever got to know him in person. Be aware of this desire to attach that you have and protect yourself from it. This information gathering and sharing that makes up so much of the first few months of dating men may give you confidence to move forward with people — or to decide someone isn’t right, and if so, not see them any further.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Actions speak louder than words, and your boyfriend is taking you on a ride through crazy land. I think it’s time for you to get off the train. It’s not going to stop at the station you’re looking for. 🙁

What he’s doing is not normal, and it’s not healthy for you, since you’ve been very clear that you want to get married, and you’ve taken him at his word when he says that after 3 years of dating, you’d be engaged. That didn’t happen. Neither did his promise of 3-6 months after that you’d be engaged. And now he wants to break up to get the excitement back in your relationship???? 🙄 That’s really not a good idea, and if you go along with that plan, you need more help than I can give you! 😯

I’m not sure why you’re confused by his behavior. He’s established a consistent pattern of stringing you along, not marrying you, and not being truthful with you. What you should be is furious. This guy isn’t ready to get married, clearly, and your mistake has been to stay in the relationship with him. I absolutely don’t think you should go along with what he’s asking. You already have twice, and it’s gotten you no where. He doesn’t stand by his word. He’s not respectful of you. But the worst part is that you’re not respecting yourself.

You deserve someone who wants what you want, and if you’re in your 30s or 40s, you and your boyfriend should know after a year of dating if you’re ready to marry or not — and then do it! You’ve chosen a man who is not compatible with you, and it’s time to get back out there and find someone who is.

Break up with this guy. Start dating again — and read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, so you can be sure to date well this next time around, and find Mr. Right without wasting another five years of your very precious and important life. You can download the book right here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope this helps. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but I think you can do it. 🙂 Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your daughter. Rather than admonish you for mistakes you’ve made, let’s start from where you are now. You’re a single mother with a mentally unstable and unemployed boyfriend who is the father of your daughter, and you’re trying to make ends meet. This is not the time to follow your heart. This is the time to do the right thing for your child and make a stable home for her.

If your daughter loves her father and he’s doing more than a decent job of being her father, then you have to swallow your feelings right now, and try to make things work with him. It’s a good sign that he’s trying to get a job. Eventually, I trust that he will.

If you do break up with him, he can file for joint custody of your daughter, and because he is unemployed and you are not, you will most likely end up paying child support to him. Your daughter probably likes having both her parents under one roof, and if you can find a way to muster up all your maturity, then that’s what I suggest you make work — for the sake of your daughter.

I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but once you have a child, your own needs are no longer first and foremost. Your child’s are.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yikes! Unattractive [i]and[/i] mentally disturbed set ups? 😕 If I were you, I’d stop worrying WHY you’re getting set up badly and just stop accepting any dates that friends set you up on.

It’s a lot easier to suss out women you find unattractive and mentally disturbed if you do your own dating, all by yourself and without the help of friends. There are lots of places to meet single women, as you know, and if your old haunts aren’t working for you — shake up your routine, and check out some new coffee shops, parks, museums and other places to meet single women. Party season is upon us with the holidays, and accept all party invitations you receive, as there are usually singles at parties, and some you may even find interesting. The internet is also a good tool to use for meeting women. While some posted photos can be misleading, at least you’ve got an initial photo to go by, rather than your friends’ bad taste in attractive fix ups!

So the simple answer to your question is — stop accepting your friend’s fix ups and only make your own dates from now on. I hope that helps! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very strange that you would consider your relationship of 3 years a committed one since you have never met in person even once. Online dating is a wonderful tool for exploring your dating options, but it isn’t a way to conduct an entire relationship. Dating should happen in person in order for the relationship to be a real one with a future.

When your boyfriend stopped being available, instead of accepting the reality, you decided there must be confusion. It would have been easier for you to understand that when a man stops making himself available to you he is losing interest in you. There shouldn’t be confusion about that. Disappointment, perhaps, but ultimately, acceptance.

Your confusion over your boyfriend’s lack of interest in being available to you online after 2 years of an online only relationship is probably because he’s moving on with his life in the “real world”. My suggestion is for you to do the same.

When you choose a man with whom to have a relationship, compatibility is essential to the success of the relationship. You chose a man who lives in a different country, cutting your chances of being together in any regular way, considerably. Next time around, choose someone closer to home.

And remember how wonderful the internet is as a tool — but it can’t be where you live your entire romantic life. If a man you meet online isn’t interested in meeting you after a month or two, find someone else who is available and compatible with you in real life — not just online.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes a person can be standing the middle of a thunder storm with rain pouring down, hail smashing them in the head, thunder booming and lightning flashing and they say, “Why do you think I”m so wet?” They completely ignore what’s so clear to everyone else around them. Well, that’s what you’re doing.

Your boyfriend is clearly lonely and flirting with women online. Whether or not he loves you doesn’t take away from his wanting other female company. Just because he’s come to Australia with you and is living with you at your aunt’s house doesn’t mean he’s happy in the relationship he has with you. He’s looking for female attention outside of the relationship he has with you, and he already knows that it’s going to hurt your feelings, but his feelings are more important to him right now. He’s giving you reasons not to trust him, and you’re wanting to find a way get over those trust issues. Well, the issues you have aren’t trust issues — they’re incompatibility issues.

Your boyfriend isn’t ready to be settled down with you the way you are with him. He’s hurting your feelings because he wants more freedom. Whatever happened in the past, right now, today, he wants to bust loose and be with other women — and probably have you, too.

My advice to you is that the two of you living together at your aunt’s house is not a great situation for you. It would be better if he got his own place. While this may scare you because you think you may lose him this way, it’s really the only way to find out if he’s yours at all. Right now, he’s feeling trapped, and that’s no way to have a healthy relationship. If, after moving out on his own, he still wants to date you, and you want to date him, then that’s great. But right now, clearly, he wants to date other women as well, and have his own friends and his freedom.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s my best piece of advice. I hope it helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What are you doing wrong? 😯 You’re living with a convicted felon! And the reason he was convicted is because he beat up his pregnant girlfriend! [i]I’d[/i] be scared to come to your house. And I’d seriously question your judgment.

Plus, icing on the cake, this guy sports prison tattoos, 🙄 sleeps with loads of women and meets with his probation officer regularly. Seriously? Really? You don’t get it? I’ll spell it out for you: No decent woman (which is what you seem to be going for) is going to want to date you as long as you live with a roommate who’s such a loser! 😕

Get a new roommate, and hang out with guys who don’t beat up their pregnant girlfriends (for starters). I bet your life will pick up exponentially!

[Member]

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