[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to find out if your wife is cheating on you is to ask her! If you know her well enough to figure out if she’s lying to you or not, then you’ll have your answer with hers.

If you can’t tell if she’s being honest with you, then keeping extra alert to her behavior will help you figure out what’s going on. It’s hard to answer further without knowing what it is about your wife’s behavior that makes you suspect infidelity.

Let me know more about your situation, and I’d love to help you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very difficult to need both men and women to satisfy your needs, and yet want a monogamous relationship that will leave you wanting in one way or another.

Your girlfriend senses that she won’t ever be enough for you, and is setting you free to satisfy the needs you have for men. She cares about you enough, deep down, to let you be yourself.

However, if you do have sex with other people (men or women), she is most definitely going to be hurt. I know that you don’t want to hurt her — or lose her, but your bisexuality coupled with your need for sex from both genders, is not a prescription for monogamy. You can’t have everything, so you’re going to have to choose.

If you sacrifice your sexual needs for men in order to stay faithful to your girlfriend, you’re cheating yourself. If you sacrifice your girlfriend’s security in her relationship with you, you’re cheating her.

What may work best for you is a relationship with someone else who is also bisexual. You’ll still have the issues of satisfying each other’s needs for a different gender sexual relationship, but you’ll come to the table with what I like to call “matching luggage” and you may have an easier time making compromises with another bisexual than you do with a heterosexual woman.

Let me know if that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re having a hard time facing your fears, and until you do, you’re going to continue to manufacture fantasy relationships like the on you’ve recently conjured up with your high school friend via Facebook. Lots of times people who are fearful of rejection or else just plain lazy, use the internet in place of real relationships.

The reality, if you’re brave enough to face it, is that your Colorado based high school friend is being very clear with you that he just wants to be in touch via Facebook, and amusing texts. He’s given you no indication whatsoever that he’s interested in anything more with you.

You, however, have invested yourself in a man who is geographically incompatible with you, who you haven’t seen in at least a decade, and who has not expressed any interest in dating you at all. Basically, you’re fantasizing a relationship that doesn’t exist. Renting a Disney movie will be more productive use of your time if fantasy is what you crave.

My advice to you is to smell the coffee — and preferably the coffee at your local coffee shop where real men who live in your neighborhood, can smile at you, chat you up, and even ask for your phone number because they want to take you out on a real life date that leads to a face to face relationship! 🙂

The confusion is all in your own head — so get out of your head, take a break from the computer, get out in the real world, and make your life there. Use the computer as a tool to support your real life, but don’t live in cyberspace full time. That will alleviate your frustration and make you one happy camper.

I hope that helps! Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My big piece of advice to you is to [b]stop[/b] over thinking this relationship. You’re analyzing every little detail and nuance, and you’re making yourself crazy as well as spending way too much time thinking about what [i]he[/i] thinks, how you should respond, etc. Quit thinking about his feelings and behavior!

Next, I’d like you to focus on what you want. Since you’ve already decided that the best way to deal with a man that you like, but who’s rejected you[i] and[/i] who you have to see every day at work, is to basically ignore him and go about your business, then [i]that’s what you should do.[/i] Instead, you’re still trying to second guess his feelings and adjust your behavior to accommodate him in order to make HIM feel more comfortable. You need to let go of your investment in his feelings. He’s not a guy you’re going to be investing energy in, so don’t. Instead, implement your plan for dealing with him, which is to ignore him enough for YOU to get through your work days while he’s in your presence. Make your behavior fit your needs — not his.

The more able you are to let go, the easier it will be for you to be open and available to other men who may be more interested and compatible with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your feelings are justifiable, and you have a right to be uncertain about whether or not you should proceed with your wedding. What is of concern is that your fiance was flirting with his ex-girlfriend, and inviting her as his date to a class reunion, only one month before he proposed marriage to you. This isn’t the behavior of a man who’s sure about you, or of a man who is going to be committed to you in the way you want him to be.

Cheating means different things to different people, and rather than debate the definition of whether that old line, “I did not have sex with that woman” holds up in a committed relationship or not, I’d counsel you to focus on compatibility in defining cheating. If by telling his ex-girlfriend that she looks hot, and asking her to be his date at a reunion, even though he was dating you at the same time, you feel your boyfriend cheated on you, then you have to make sure he understands your line in the sand. Your boyfriend may think that flirting incessantly and hanging out with other women (including his ex-lovers) doesn’t constitute cheating. You may wildly disagree. The trick here is to find common ground where you can both feel comfortable with each other’s behavior. So, even if your boyfriend doesn’t agree with your definition of cheating, if he can agree to be faithful to you in the way you want, then you can make this work. Likewise, if you can disagree with your fiance’s definition of cheating, but agree to go along with it as long as he doesn’t have sex with anyone else, then you can make this work.

You see that overall, the definition is less important than your compatibility with your fiance on this and other issues. Sex and cheating are hot buttons, as is money, in relationships, so it’s understandable that you’re inflamed over your fiance’s behavior this time.

My suggestion is to follow your instincts, and postpone the wedding indefinitely. While calling off a wedding is a big drag, it’s a lot less cumbersome than wading through a troubled and failing marriage that ends in divorce. While you’re wildly upset now, if you can take a few steps back and see this setback as a gift meant to open your eyes to what you may have been, up to now, ignoring in your fiance, you can breathe a little easier without having the deadline pressure of a wedding date. Then see if you can work through your issues with him about fidelity and compatibility. If you can, then proceed with the wedding. If you can’t, be grateful for the gift you found out about, that seemed like a burden at the time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wow. You’re really in denial. 🙁

This guy is not into you. He’s never going to come around. You should stop wondering about playing hard to get with him — what you should start focusing on is how you’re going to make a life for yourself and your children that is responsible, respectful (of yourself!) and productive. This is going to call for some MAJOR changes in your life. But since you wrote me, I suspect you’re up to the job. 🙂

You’ve wasted way too much time on a guy who’s a loser. What you need to do now is step up to the plate as a mother. You need to file with your court for child support for all three of your children (his buying you and the kids stuff keeps you dependent on him). Get a custody schedule that allows the children’s father to have visitation and/or custody of them at scheduled times. They can spend every other weekend with their dad, even if he’s living with his mother — at their grandmother’s house. The children have a right to know their father and grandparents, and it’s your responsibility as their mother to help them get their rights enforced. You also will do well to rejuvenate while your kids are visiting their dad. You need the break!

Then you need to get a job since your children are old enough for school and pre-school. Set an example for your children by showing them that you can take care of yourself and are self-respecting. They are not too young to be watching, listening and learning to model their own behavior on you. Everybody makes mistakes — but [i]how [/i]each person corrects those setbacks separates the men from the boys! You need to step up to the plate.

Once you get your family life in order, and I understand that what I’ve just advised is a LOT of work, you can start dating! But before you do, please buy and read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book will help you figure out what Mr. Right looks like (because I think you’ve found yourself the exact opposite in your current man), and how to get him and keep him!

I hope this helps — please feel free to ask me for more help along the way. I’d love to see you and your children healthy and happy in every way. The first step to that goal is getting yourself together. Lose your guy, and you’ll be on your way! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since this is your first long term relationship, you may not have the perspective on yourself, men and even yourself, in relationships with men, to make a smart choice for marriage. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have some nice things in common — you both like each other and have good times together, and he is generous with you. But his anger issues, and the fights the two of you have don’t bode well for a future together.

Your family wants the best for you, and they have a right to be concerned since in the two years since you’ve been with your boyfriend, he’s gone from someone who did nothing with his life but play video games and drink 🙁 to starting college. And while you have ideas for what he [i]potentially[/i] could do with his life, the reality is, your ideas are untested.

Marriage is a tough gig, and if you’re not mature enough yourself (you can’t break up 50 times with a boyfriend and expect a marriage with the same man to work), and the two of you are not compatible (he has a history of being a slug, while you are positioning yourself to be a medical doctor), you’re not in a good position to marry and make it work.

My advice to you is not to move in with this man or discuss marriage any longer. In fact, I’d like to see you start dating other people. I think you could find someone who is more compatible with you — if you give yourself the opportunity.

I know it’s hard to make changes, and sometimes inertia is your default mode, but I hope you’ll consider yourself worth the effort it takes to find a man for yourself who is really Mr. Right and not just Mr. Right Now.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your ex didn’t leave you because you lied to her about having slept with a woman during your nine month break up. She broke up with you because your [i]history[/i] of lying was re-awakened with her when you told her that you lied to her about having slept with someone else during your nine month break up.

It was this history of lying, not just the one isolated lie, that was the problem for your now ex-girlfriend. I know that you want her back, but just trying to get her back isn’t going to help. The real problem is your fear that makes you lie. Unless you confront those fears and find a way to face them when the truth isn’t going to be pretty, you’ll never be able to get her back, keep her, or have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

For now, I’m afraid that the best thing for you to do is to sit in your discomfort that comes from the break up, and to focus on your own problems that lead to your telling lies. When you can really address that problem and start to work on correcting it, only then will you be ready to try and re-connect with your ex-girlfriend. If you try to reach out to her now, from her point of view, she’s just going to be hearing more of the same. You need to find a way to prove to her that you’ve accepted your problem and done something to change your behavior — and then you only get a shot at a reconciliation. The damage may be too great to correct. But there will be another woman at some point, and you’ll want to be in a better place, personally, when you’re ready to pursue her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend of 12 years is a loser. He’s 36, has no job, lives with his parents, is pressuring you to put him on your lease, and wants you to put him up so he can start inadvertently living with you. Then to kick it over the top, he’s interested in other women, and is threatening you to shape up or he’ll ship out! That’s not a winner by my definition. That’s a guy you can do better than. 🙁

You deserve a guy who has his life together and is ready to be in a mature relationship with you! You really shouldn’t have to hear your boyfriend threaten you to shape up or he’s going to start dating one of a number of women he’s already scoped out and is interested in. That’s just bad manners and designed to make you feel badly.

I’d like you to look at reality, and see who this guy really is, and how he treats you. That should cure your confusion! 🙄 Next, I’d like you to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. If you read this book, you’ll find out how to get the guy who IS Mr. Right, and not waste 12 more years — or even 12 minutes — with someone who’s, well, wasting your time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is not to see him over Christmas. The bottom line is that this man is not Mr. Right — and you’ve finally figured that out. You stayed in the relationship way longer than you should hoping that he would change. He didn’t. Now you’re considering prolonging the break up, by seeing him again after you’ve already broken up, to try and get the break up you want from him. What will it take to make you see who he is and that you can’t control him?

The sooner you understand this simple principle, the sooner you’re going to be able to have a healthy and mutually happy relationship with a man. Don’t waste any more time with this guy. Accept who he is, and move on.

Use the holidays to get over him, then start the new year single and ready to find Mr. Right. Keep the focus on you and your needs in a relationship, and if a man doesn’t measure up or isn’t able to give you what you know you want, then move on.

Sorry to be tough on you, but I’d hate to see you repeat old patterns that have gotten you in a rut.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s admirable that you have your life so planned out, but it sounds like you’re jumping the gun on this girlfriend. She doesn’t sound like she is the love of your life. You may have regrets if you go back to China and leave her here, [i]however[/i]…it sounds like if you do take her with you, you are going to commit to be with her for the next four years, at which time you’ll marry her and then be with her for the entire rest of your life! You’ve only known this woman for one year, and you’re only 20. It’s early to plan your entire life — just because you want things nailed down. Your well intentioned plans may end up being your downfall when it comes to your relationship. 😮

If you look at the difference in your own life between the time you were 17 and now, you will find big changes. Now consider how you may (and probably will) change in the next 4 years between this year when you are considering taking your girlfriend with you back to China for a big commitment in your relationship, and when you are 24, at which time you hope to marry her. I predict that you are going to go through so many changes with your cultural life, your education, your career, and your feelings about yourself and women in general, that the choice you make now for a bride, is going to be much different than the choice you may make four years from now after all the change you’re going to go through.

My advice is to go back to China to pursue your education, alone, and then, when you are ready to marry, consider the women in your life at that time. It’s too soon now to commit to a marriage plan with someone you’ve known for such a short time, so early in your life, when you aren’t one hundred percent sure abouther. Make your life plans, but leave yourself lots of wiggle room over the next 4 years for finding Ms. Right.

I hope that helps — good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It seems like you’re keeping your boyfriend in another state “on the side” for emotional security. Your day to day life is up in the air, since you’re not sure whether you want to be in a relationship with your daily boyfriend, take a break from him, marry him, or break up with him. Your out of state boyfriend is someone who makes you feel safe and secure emotionally when a large part of you is uncertain and insecure.

My advice to you is to ease up on yourself. Don’t feel that you have to make any decisions, and understand that right now, life is fluid. When you decide you’re ready to marry or be in one monogamous relationship, you have lots of choices in how you behave. If at that time you don’t want to date a boy who has a girlfriend, “No” works really well! 😉 You can choose not to go out with a guy who’s dating another women or many other women if you don’t want to. The ball is totally in your court, and you have ultimate control over your own behavior. Crushing on boys is one thing — but living your life by the standards you choose to set for yourself determines your life.

But for now, it seems like you’re trying to get to know yourself better, and to figure out what you want in a relationship and in a man. Allow yourself to date lots of different men to figure this out, and don’t get too committed to any one man until you know what you want and you’re ready to go for it.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have two choices. The first is to express your feelings to your girlfriend, which you have already done, and then allow yourself to see what happens. It’s impossible to control people. Ultimately, they do what they want to do, and it’s entirely possible that this girlfriend is different than your past girlfriend who cheated on you during a sorority pledge. Not all women cheat, and not all women who pledge sororities cheat. Cheating is, however, prevalent, and it’s something we all have to deal with if not in our own personal lives, then in our friends’ or family members’ lives. I know your past experience of being cheated on hurt your feelings deeply, but this girlfriend may not cheat on you. Since you [i]can’t[/i] make her [b]not[/b] join a sorority, you [i]can[/i] see what happens next when she does. I know it’s hard to not control life, but it’s really the only way to live healthfully.

The other option you have is to avoid all women who join sororities. There is nothing wrong with knowing yourself well enough to understand what makes you anxious. Realizing that all women who join sororities cause you anxiety because of your past experience with a sorority girlfriend cheating, may help you avoid this kind of woman. You may end up saving yourself a lot of wasted time by choosing women who fit your criterion for Ms. Right. If you realize that avoiding sorority girls is one way to avoid wasting dating time, then you’re ahead of the game!

I hope this helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’re truly ending the relationship, sending a goodbye message and taking the high road, even if your soon to be ex-boyfriend never does, is a great idea. The way you live your life in spite of others’ bad behavior, is important. Follow your instincts and send that goodbye note to your boyfriend telling him it’s over. But most importantly, honor yourself and make sure it’s over. This guy isn’t right for you. You now realize it. Don’t just take the high road in ending the relationship — take the high road in living your own life and doing what’s right for you from here on in. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your confusion and problems about men don’t have to do with the guys. They have to do with you.

When you are more clear on what you want right now, and then in the future, as far as men go, you’ll feel more comfortable with your own behavior. It seems like on one hand you’re saying you need to be alone so that you can figure out what you want, and then on the other hand, you’re feeling guilty about dating a guy who has a girlfriend, but you really do like him, so you don’t want to stop.

It seems like you’re just landing with whatever guy is easiest to be with, and feels least uncomfortable — rather than starting out with a specific goal in mind. For example, you could tell yourself, “I want a great boyfriend who’s all mine and I’m all his.” Or, “I want to play the field and see what’s out there for me, but not be monogamous until I feel I’ve gotten Mr. Right.” Or you could come up with some other dating strategy so that you don’t feel so lost about what you’re doing.

You’re settling for Mr. Right Now instead of looking for Mr. Right. There isn’t anything really wrong with crushing on Mr. Right now — as long you don’t care if he’s got a girlfriend, may not be here tomorrow, or isn’t really someone who’s right for you! 🙁 But…I think those things really [i]do[/i] bother you, and that’s why you’re writing me.

Being with a guy is easy. Being with the [b]right[/b] guy — not so easy! 😉

My advice for your dating serenity is to quit settling for Mr. Right Now, and really decide on what you want — whether it’s to date the field and not commit to any one guy, but use the dating process to figure out what you want in a man and a romantic relationship, or whether it’s to hone in on Mr. Right and not settle for guys who already have girlfriends. This is a lot harder than doing what you’re doing now, but it will leave you with fewer questions and discomfort.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and good luck!! 🙂

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