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April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterAlthough you say you’re the nice guy, and that’s your problem, I’m not seeing it. I think there’s nothing wrong with your game. What’s wrong is the women you’re choosing. Why would you want a woman who isn’t into you? Or one who is hot and cold, one minute wanting to be friends, the next minute wanting to have sex, then shortly afterwards refusing to even kiss you? Of course your head is spinning! You’re dating a wack-o! 😮 Be your best self, but choose well. Decide what you want in a girlfriend — and I think first on your list should be a woman who is interested in you, consistently! The beauty of dating is that it’s a process, and you get to figure out which women you like dating, and which women you don’t like dating. If a woman leaves you confused more often then not, it’s time to date someone else! Dating should be a pleasurable and rewarding experience, not a head trip.
Check out my book called Date Out of Your League, which I wrote for men who are trying to figure out the dating game. There are lots of specific tips and advice that will help you maneuver the dating game with more ease than you’re having now. You can download the book here
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] I hope this helped!
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterRelax. It’s just a rut. All long term relationships (which yours is) go through different phases, and you’re in a a bit of “down” phase. In addition to which, the stressors which you mention have affected the two of you (a new job, a lost job, illness, death in the family and financial troubles) are all libido killers in and of themselves. With the combo you’ve got going at once, it’s understandable that something has to give — and that something is your sex and romance. The way to get over this hump or out of this rut is to be patient, but also to do the work required. One of you has to break the cycle of not being affectionate, and baby steps are the perfect way to do this. Hold his hand. Pat his back. Caresses his face. Tell him you love him. Tell him you miss being sexual with him. Tell him you know that the two of you will get “back on track,” and you really look forward to that.
While these gestures may have come very naturally to you when you didn’t have stresses in your lives, now, you have to work at employing them. So do it. If you open the door to your own feelings — even if he doesn’t respond most of the time — you’re opening up opportunities for him to talk to you about his feelings. This kind of communication, with understanding as it’s main component, will allow you to express affection more easily. Intimacy is built on communication and affection, and albeit slowly, you’ll be back on the right track in a little while.
I guarantee that when your boyfriend is back in the work force, he’ll feel a lot better about himself and about your relationship, too. Men’s employment and bread winning capacity plays a big part in their feelings about themselves as men, so your boyfriend is probably having a rough time feeling like “the man” in the relationship right now.
Don’t let finances keep you from having dates. Take planned walks and hikes, have movie night in, have pot luck parties at your house, and let all the free and frugal activities that are available to you become special date opportunities.
This is one of those times when you have the opportunity to learn how work in a relationship can help you through your troubles.
Good luck!
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterThe important thing you need to do is to make any changes in your own behavior for you — not for him. That’s the true way to make lasting changes. If you are truly unhappy with yourself, then your feelings are only going to be complicated by being in a relationship. Before you can have success in a relationship, you have to be healthy in your own life. And while [i]everyone[/i] has some problems, there are different levels of problems and functionality.Since you haven’t mentioned what it is about your life that makes you feel unhappy and unsatisfied, I can only tell you that you need to work on yourself to solve this problem. Whatever that means to your situation, you need to do it.
If, on the other hand, the real problem is that you’re fine with your life, but he’s the one who’s unhappy with his own life and is just projecting his own problems onto you — or else he feels you don’t measure up to his standards (whatever they may be), that’s a set of different problems.
So let me know a little more about your situation for more specific advice. Otherwise, remember that until you are happy with yourself, you can’t be happy in a relationship with anyone else.
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterI won’t pass judgment on your taking a lover. In fact the problem you’re having with your lover is the same problem that couples have in monogamous relationships. Your expectations for the relationship did not meet the reality of it, and you wanted your lover to change in ways he was unwilling to. So you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted from him. It’s really that simple. In any relationship — whether it’s a marriage, a monogamous dating couple, a pair of lovers outside of monogamy or dating the field — it’s important to know what you want in a relationship and find out if the object of your affection is able to satisfy those needs. The more aware you are of yourself and your partner, the more quickly you will be able to decide your mutual compatibility. The mistake most people make is trying to pretend someone will become a person they’re not, or that they’re willing to behave in ways that they don’t want to behave. That’s where you found your trouble.
In a way, you’re way more compatible with your husband, who knows what level of kinkiness he’s comfortable with and willing to employ in your marriage’s sex life, and he knows what level of kinkiness you’re needing. He’s also more compatible with you because the two of you have found a viable solution for your needs to be met, with his understanding. I know that some people will think that’s twisted, but, morality aside, you’ve problem solved with your husband in a creative way.
Now, your trick is to find lovers who are as compatible with you, as your husband is!
😆 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterDid you read my last post with advice? 😕 It sure seems like you skipped it altogether, or else you’re so excited, agitated and nervous about this guy, that you’re not focusing.Read my post. Slow down. And let me know what you did, after I first wrote you — not what he did.
Look forward to hearing your news.
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWhat you describe is not unusual. When people divorce, they have an opportunity to process what really happened in their choosing a spouse with whom their marriage failed, and what their part in that failure was. It’s also a time to think about what kind of a relationship they do want, and if it’s another marriage, how they can take responsibility this time around, to promote success in marriage. Everyone’s process of analysis is different. Some people “get it” pretty quickly. Others take decades to figure it all out. Some people figure it out while they’re dating, and others figure it out in subsequent marriages that fail.
It sounds like your dating process is still new post-divorce, and that you’re figuring out what happened in your divorce (subconsciously, perhaps), through this relationship. By trying to repeat patterns in your new relationship you’re giving yourself a window into your failed marriage. If you’re clever, you’ll look hard and try to figure out what it is about this dynamic you’re trying to replicate now, that is important to you on some level.
My big advice to you is to relax. Dating is a process normally. When you date after divorce, it’s a more layered process. Don’t panic when things don’t go right. Remember that dating is a numbers game, and you have to play ball to give yourself a chance to score a grand slam. But when you play ball there are going to be way more strike outs than grand slams.
😉 Be gentle with yourself as you partake of the relationship with this guy — and do your own work by trying to figure out why you’re trying to repeat your failed marriage.Believe it or not, the work you’re doing right this second is what will keep you out of another failed marriage. Many people repeat their failed relationships in serial marriages that end in divorce. What you’re doing is actually self-protective. You’re giving yourself a flashing yellow light. Some part of you is trying to adjust your own behavior. You’re on the right track. Dig deeper. And be analytic, while still being in your dating life.
I hope that helps!
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYour problem has nothing to do with this guy, and everything to do with you. The questions you need to ask yourself are: Why do you want to be with someone who lies to you? Why do you want to be with someone who cheats on you? Why do you want to be someone who sets up traps to catch her boyfriend cheating — over and over again? 🙁 Is this really who you want to be?
My guess is that you don’t want to be the woman you are right now. You want to change, and I’d like to see you do that. If you can become the woman you want to be, these problems you’re having in your relationship will fade away to nothing.
In order to break your patterns of self-destructive behavior, because that’s what they are, you need to stop doing what you’re doing. Some people find this easy, and others don’t. If you’re the latter, then the best way to get yourself to stop is to give yourself some very clear boundaries. Don’t date right now. At all. Don’t take phone calls from guys and don’t return texts. If you stop, cold turkey, then your behavior problems will be less confusing. Right now you’re creating drama by reacting and responding to this guy, but if you remove him from your life, you can focus on you and your own life, solely.
Once you’re man-free, you can start checking yourself regularly — not daily, but hourly, or even more often. Watch your own behavior with other people and with yourself, and make sure that you’re doing what it is you really want to be doing. Don’t befriend or respond to anyone who disrespects you or themselves. You need to start building a healthy community.
Once you have supportive friends and family in your regular life, and you’re catching yourself whenever you are behaving unhealthfully, then you can start letting guys in again.
However, you need to really listen to them. When a guy says, after 9 months, he’s not interested in you any more, believe him! And respect yourself and him, and let the relationship go. Don’t try to be friends. The only men in your life (besides family and your girlfriends’ boyfriends and husbands, and your truly gay friends), should be those who are respectful of you — and you of them.
The real cheating that’s been happening here is you cheating on yourself. You deserve better. Now go get it.
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWow, thanks!! 😛 I’m so glad I was able to help you, and wish you the best of luck.
Keep me informed on how things go.
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYou [b]both[/b] aren’t being honest with each other. If your virginity was important to your boyfriend, it was important for you not to lie to him about it. He felt betrayed when he found out that you weren’t a virgin, although you said you were, and then he was doubly betrayed because you lied to him about the fact. Not everyone cares about virginity, but if it’s an issue in a relationship, then it’s important to respect your boyfriend’s feelings.Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to be honest with you either. Rather than confronting you with your lies, he behaved in kind. It would have been better if he told you that he knew about your lie and that you weren’t a virgin and asked you why you lied to him. But because he didn’t, he acted out instead, suppressing his real feelings towards you.
I don’t think that the two of you are well suited for a healthy relationship. Honesty is one of the cornerstones of intimacy, and when you can be honest with each other about something as important as sex, you don’t have good building blocks for a relationship.
My advice is to start practicing honesty. Not just with your boyfriend but with everyone. Check yourself to make sure you’re being scrupulous when you talk to people — with what you say, and what you
[i]don’t[/i] say.April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterSorry — but your girlfriend is right. After only a month of dating, it’s appropriate for her to want to keep her options open — and that gives you the opportunity to try and win her over! 😉 It’s okay to be scared of heartbreak, but you can’t let your fear paralyze you. The only way to gain confidence is to get out there knowing that things may or may not work out, but that you’re going to give it all your best shot and be the best man you know how, and if she wants you, then she’s in luck!😉 For more help winning her over, check out my book written for men who are afraid they may not get the girl they want. It’s called Date Out of Your League, and it’s written specifically for men. You can download it here
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterNice going! 😆 Now, keep up that hard to get dynamic. Don’t be so available and watch him seek you out!
Glad I was able to help!
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterExhaustion is one of the biggest libido killers of all. It’s entirely plausible that your wife’s fatigue is definitely killing her sex drive. So see if there’s any way at all you can get out of this rut. Do you get holidays off? If so, can you get grandma to watch the kids for two nights so that you and your wife can check into a hotel (it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive — just clean!) for some adult time? Even if you get two nights at a hotel once a month (which is probably costs the same as if you went on regular date nights), that would be an improvement on what you have now.
Or better yet, can you send your kids to stay with relatives for a week twice a year? I’m not sure how old your kids are, but a week at a favorite aunt and uncle’s house may be just right for your kids, and a good break for your wife to gain her sex drive back.
If you and your wife have neighbors or close friends who live near by who may want to get into a weekend babysitting club so that you all help each other out and get free weekends every few weeks, that also may help.
Basically, your problem is coming to light, and you have to get creative about finding a solution that works for your family.
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterHe likes you! He’s not just being nice — he’s showing genuine romantic interest. Now, since you’re interested, too, you need to give him something to chase! 😉 The way you do this is by flirting. Men love it when you flirt with them, and give them something to go after. It’s in their nature to want to win, and if you give him something[i]to[/i] win (you!), he’s going to feel great whenever he’s around you.Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man,
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] And if things go well with this guy, and you want to take it to the next level, you’ll learn in this book what men like in terms of a woman’s apartment or home, what kind of manners men crave in women, and how soon is too soon to, well, you know….
😉 Have fun, and good luck! Let me know how things go.
🙂 April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterI’m not sure why you feel responsible for your boyfriend’s depression and failure to thrive. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything nefarious or dishonest this whole ten years you’ve been with him. Your boyfriend is very much an adult, and if he chooses to stay home and drink and sleep off his drunken stupor, that’s not your fault. You can be sympathetic and even empathetic, but you can’t save him. He has to do that himself. It’s unfortunate when businesses fail, but sometimes they do, and in recent years, more often than not, businesses have failed. It can be depressing to lose money, lose a dream business, and the hopes of what would happen if the business thrives, but reality dictates that some business make it and others don’t.
Being around someone who is chronically depressed can depress a normally content person, and it sounds like that’s what is happening to you. His depression is almost “catching.” Besides which, you want to save him from his depression, but you can’t. He has to find a way to get through this difficult time where he’s looking for a job, and to keep going.
In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself in every way you know how. Eat right, exercise, keep regular schedules and see supportive friends and family. If your boyfriend will see a physician for his chronic depression that may help him.
When he does get back on his feet, it’s probably a good idea if the two of you don’t work together any more because that way you won’t blame yourself for his failures, and he won’t blame you either. Allow yourselves to separate in work, but come together as a social and romantic couple.
I hope that helps!
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterOne of the things that cuts peoples’ sex drives is familiarity. Although you love your girlfriend and you feel close to her, what’s probably missing is that mystique that creates sexual excitement that most people have in the beginning of relationships, but then lose naturally along the way. In order to make long term relationships work two things have to happen. Although you’ve tried some things to spark her interest in sex, I’m going to suggest you try my book written for couples exactly like yourself with exactly your same problems. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas and you can download it for $14.95 right here
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html [/url] So give the book a try and let me know how it works for you, and which dates in particular, work best.
In addition, if your girlfriend truly is tired, chronic exhaustion can really cut her sex drive. Rest is the remedy. If this may be the case, consider giving her a luxurious day off where you draw her a hot bath with candles, soft music, and leave her to the tub alone. Then when she’s done soaking, give her a great, relaxing massage with nice, fragrant oils, and sit with her over a glass (or a bottle) of wine and talk to her about non-stressful things, while you gently stroke her legs and caress her fingers. All this relaxing may put her in a much more conducive mood to have sex after having worked long hours all week.
Let me know if these suggestions help.
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