[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, tell him how you feel. You can say, “I’m really uncomfortable with you having a female roommate. I’d much rather you find a male roommate.” He may not know how you feel. He may be surprised to hear you feel this way. He may be happy to find a male roommate instead. But you won’t know unless you express yourself.

Some unanswered questions may be: How long does he see himself in this roommate situation? Is it temporary? Or is this a plan with no end in sight? Is he looking for a new job so he can afford his own place? What’s the job search plan like? Would he be willing to take a loan to support his living situation until he gets a new job? Would he be willing to get a place that is not on the beach, but cheaper, so that he can live alone?

Lots of people are being laid off these days, and almost everyone is cutting back in some way. He’s not alone in this circumstance.

But, if he refuses to get a male roommate after you’ve expressed yourself to him, then you have to decide if you want to be with him under these circumstances or not. If he’s going to put beach front living with a woman roommate ahead of in town living without any roommate, or moving in with a relative or his folks until he gets back on his financial feet, you may have found a part of this guy you hadn’t unearthed up to now.

Be clear with him about your feelings, and offer up some of these ideas as alternatives to his living with a female roommate, in order to see his true colors.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If a foot fetish is just a part of this guy’s sexual appetite, then I don’t think it’s a problem, but if it’s all he wants to do, then there may be deeper problems at play. What I think is happening is that this guy really likes you and is serious about you, so he’s letting you know about this special area of his desires so you can stay or go now. In a sense, he’s offering you full disclosure.

Not all men have foot fetishes, and most don’t. That said, there isn’t anything wrong with it if you both have some common ground. When you think about all the body parts that do go in one’s mouth during sex, feet really aren’t all that strange. They’re just not the norm.

That said, you can quit now, or you can tell him you’re not interested in that at all, but you are interested in other more normal things. But those are the extremes. In the middle, and in the spirit of compromise, you can tell him that you’d be willing to try it, but not at first. If and when you do start a sexual relationship with this guy, there will be so much else that is new about each other, that you may not want to introduce feet right away. Maybe the second, third or fourth time. Perhaps, after you get to know each other a little better first. The other compromise is to try it and see how you feel about it. You may like it. Sometimes in bed men and women do things for each other because it makes the other person feel good, and is a gift in a way. Not everything is supposed to feel good in the same way to both people at exactly the same time.

As for wanting to see him as a strong man, that’s a normal concern. But before you jump to the conclusion that he wants to be your sex slave, remember that an act like a man performing oral sex on a woman can be perceived by some men as an act of submission, but to others, an act of being in control of the woman and being dominant. It all depends on your point of view.

Take it slow. Keep communicating with each other. Be compassionate, but also be true to your own feelings.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question is a good one. Why [i]do[/i] some people attract younger men? One reason you may be attracting younger men is that you’re surrounding yourself with younger men. If you work with younger men, that’s who you’re with during the day. If you go to places where younger men are going to be, then you’re probably going to get hit on by younger men. Consciously change your “traffic pattern” so that you begin to go to places that has a 40 and over crowd. More expensive restaurants will usually attract more established men. Theatre, opera, and Broadway shows, if you’re near New York, will also usually have a higher ratio of older men than younger men. Better men’s clothing stores will attract older men than those you’ll find at Urban Outfitters or The Gap. Then, of course, there’s always the simple way to do things: ask your friends to introduce you to older men or to set you up on dates with older men they may know. Ask and you shall receive.

The other reason you may be attracting younger men is that you’re more attracted to them and subconsciously you’re flirting with them, so they become interested. If you don’t give men the signal that you’re interested, you’re less likely to have them approach you. See if you can be more conscious when you’re out and about to give the signal that you’re interested to older men, and turn it off when you’re around younger men. I bet that’ll do the trick.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have a conflict with your family. Just because your family is famous doesn’t mean you can’t be with someone from a non-famous family. But in your case, you say that that is a problem. And even your boyfriend didn’t want you to tell anyone the two of you were dating. Before you get into another relationship with anyone, you should be clear in your own head whether you are willing to be honest with your family and date whoever you want as long as they are a good person, or whether you prefer to abide by your family’s wishes and date someone who fits in with your family. If you don’t get clear on this issue, you’re going to bring conflict to whatever relationship you have with anyone you date from a “regular” family.

So figure that out first.

Next, your boyfriend was hurt because you broke up with him due to class reasons. He wasn’t from the right class, and you succumbed to family pressure to break up with him. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just “from the wrong side of the tracks.” He has every right to feel hurt and wonder if this will come up again with you if he goes back with you.

It sounds like you are lonely since the break up, and when he called, he stirred up old memories. But getting back together with him will lead you right back to family problems again. So don’t get back together with this guy now. Figure out what part your family plays in your personal life, and then be true to your decision.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Get a grip. Your attorney is going to charge you anywhere from $250 an hour to $750 an hour depending on where you live and what kind of credentials he has. You will pay for phone calls, faxes, e-mails and any writing he does as well as court appearances at that hourly rate. This includes calls where you are flirting with him. You can’t afford this kind of silliness. It’s understandable that you’re lonely and ready to date since you’re divorcing. Lesson number one: do not date your divorce attorney. You are asking for trouble. If he goes out with you, kisses you or sleeps with you, he can get disbarred. Forever.

Try online dating. Ask your friends to fix you up with eligible men. And as a word of advice, keep your dating on the down low from your ex-husband while you’re in litigation. Even if he’s the one who asked for the divorce, men have a funny of way of becoming infuriated when their ex-wives start to date. There is no reason for you to flaunt this or even allow your ex to know about your dating now.

Cute attorneys are not that rare. Find a single one who is not representing you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not quite sure if you have a question for me, or if you just want to express yourself. The way you talk about relationships is very poetic, and not very realistic. The idea of looking for bliss is not what relationships are about. But it doesn’t really sound from your post that you want to change anything about yourself. In fact you seem to revel in the fact that you keep having the same bad luck over and over.

At the end of your post you write that you’re afraid of opening up to people after all your bad relationships and that you lack the courage to do so. Maybe I can help you with that.

Courage is tied to seeing the world as it really is and knowing yourself. It doesn’t sound like anyone in any of your relationships has abused you, so much as they’ve disappointed you. Welcome to reality. My suggestion is to know yourself better than you do now. Instead of plunging feet first, stop and analyze for a while, what it is you want from your life and from a relationship. Figure out what you have to offer someone else, and like a ven diagram, what you want and what you offer, will overlap in a sliver of who is right for you and vice verse.

So stop looking at the world, and start looking in the mirror. Then jump feet first only after you’ve chosen someone who fits your criterion for a good partner, and for whom you fit theirs.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Be an equal opportunity dater and don’t worry about what other people are doing. There are good men and bad men in every country in the world. And the same is true of women.

The important thing for you to remember is not to become bitter because you think the men who might choose you are out looking for foreigners. There just aren’t enough studies in the world that are current and comprehensive to answer the one question: Where’s the guy who’s right for you?

The more you know yourself, and what you truly have to offer, and what you’re truly not willing to do, the better equipped you are to “market” yourself to men who want the kind of woman you are. I know that may sound crass if you haven’t read my books, but there are so many opportunities to meet men today — both in person and in cyberspace — that it’s important to sell yourself correctly. If you advertise yourself in a phone call or an email message as someone who is fun loving and easy going, when the reality is you’re a hard driving, workaholic litigator, of course the guy on the other end of your message is going to reject you. He was waiting to date the woman he thought was fun loving and easy going. Same goes for the workaholic politician who is looking for a trophy wife with a fascinating career, but ends up with the woman who’s dating profile said, Serious Susan, but shows up with a purple streak in her hair, and tattoos on most of her skin driving a Harley and having just quit her sixth job in four weeks.

If you can zone in on what you’re offering, and what you want in a man — and it shouldn’t just be someone with a sense of humor (too vague) — you’re more likely to find Mr. Right. So be a little more discriminating about the specifics of who you are and what you want, and I guarantee you’ll stop thinking about American men scooping up foreigner women instead of you and start thinking about what kind of man is the right one for you, regardless of nationality.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, if a woman likes you she’ll look at you and hold you gaze. You may catch her looking at you when she thinks you’re not going to see her doing it. She’ll play with her hair and primp to look attractive to you. Those are all signs that she’s attracted to you.

But even with those signs a lot of men are worried about getting their feelings hurt by rejection, and I’m sorry, but there’s no good short cut! It’s really important for you to get up to bat and see if you can hit a home run or even a grand slam. If you never try, you’ll never know, and since you’re 38, it’s time to give it a go.

Look, worst thing that happens is she’s not interested in you as anything more than a friend. And if that’s the case, then at least you know where you stand with her. Best case is that she’s been waiting for you to make a move. My advice to you is to amp this relationship up to the next level and see what’s there between the two of you.

Ask her to go out on a Saturday night, but ask her in advance, as if it’s a real date. And if you usually go to the movies and the coffee shop afterwards, plan this outing so that there’s no mistaking it for anything but a date. Take a risk with this woman. Like I said, worst case is she just wants to be friends, but best case is she’s wildly pleased and has been waiting for you to show up as prince charming and not just the guy who’s her best friend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you should do depends on what you want. If you want a relationship that is going to go somewhere, like marriage or monogamy and living together, I think you’re pretty clear that this guy isn’t going to give you that. Since you are in love with him, I don’t see how you can move on without breaking up. Making it a clean break will hurt a lot in the beginning, but will allow you to heal and move on a lot more easily than trying to date other people while you’re still seeing him and in love with him.

Most women have trouble being in love with more than one man. So if you want a monogamous relationship your best bet is to break up and move on. You’ll have a better shot at true love if you’re truly available.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve outgrown your boyfriend and need to move on. You won’t change him. And you should take a lesson now: you can’t change other people. One of the worst dynamics you can get into in a romantic relationship is trying to change someone. It’s a recipe for disaster. The more you try and the more he doesn’t comply, the angrier you will get, and he won’t want to be with you. He’ll leave you, and you’ll wonder how the heck that all happened!

You can tell him what you like and don’t like. Once. Maybe twice, but that’s really it. After that you become a nag. And he becomes a loser. Do you really want to become Mr. Loser & Ms. Nag?

Face reality. The best thing you can do is to move on. If he really wants to be with you enough to change and win you back, he will. And if he doesn’t, then you’ll forget about him as soon as you’re in a relationship with someone else who has a more mature lifestyle, doesn’t live at home, has a driver’s license and wants to succeed.

Go get ’em, tiger. Get out there and get yourself a winner!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that you owe it to her to be honest that the only thing standing in the way of your staying in the relationship is her weight. Without being mean, you can tell her you’re not attracted to her the way you used to be, and while you don’t want to make her feel badly, you also don’t want to lie to her. Both men and women have a responsibility to make themselves attractive to each other and take care of themselves. And while there is absolutely a lot of pressure on women to maintain a certain physique, the reality is you’re either attracted to her or you’re not, and politics or social pressures shouldn’t enter into this.

If you have this talk with her, and she starts to make some changes, like diet, nutrition and exercise, and you start to see some changes, then it will all have worked out. But if she’s defensive or defeatist you have your answer — it’s time to move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s great that you found out more information about this woman, and that she was happy to see you when you ran into each other. Whether or not she calls you is up to her, but the real question is do you want to give her a call and see if she really is interested in dating?

You ask me if she’s lying, and I don’t really know, but you said that you think she is lying, so you probably already know the answer. The question is, what is she lying about? She may be lying about why she didn’t call you after she cancelled the barbeque, but I don’t think she’s lying about being happy to see you. Sometimes people are lazy about canceling and then embarrassed later, so they lie to make themselves appear to be not lazy. It’s not great character, but it’s normal. She didn’t lie about the stress she was under when you went on that first date, and now you know more about that. And it sounds like she’s taking steps to alleviate the stress so she can be more available to have a relationship. So if she is lying, I don’t think she’s lying about everything. And she may not be lying at all.

Then you asked me if you’re a pessimist, but you also told me that you are! So maybe these aren’t the real questions.

I think the real question you want to ask is: Will I get rejected again if I ask her out? The answer is maybe yes, maybe no. But dating is about risking rejecting and taking hits in the interest of finding that really great person who is a wonderful partner for you. You have to get up to bat in order to be able to even consider getting a home run. Most home run hitters strike out a lot, but what’s remembered about them are those grand slams, not the strike outs. And when you are rejected, you should be glad to not be wasting your time with someone who isn’t right for you. Rejection can actually be a gift if you look at it in the bigger picture of life.

So if this makes sense to you, and it’s not too much stress for you, I’d recommend you go for it again. Call her up, ask her out, and take her on a date. See how the second one goes, and then you decide how you want to proceed from there.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If there was a store that sold self esteem milkshakes, I’d tell you to go buy three and drink them all at once. You are being taken advantage of, and you are getting something out of this that keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.

Why would you talk to a man several times a day, when he isn’t interested in taking you out for dinner or to the movies regularly? Why would you want to be with some guy who doesn’t even want to have sex with you or pursue you to seduce you? Why would you even consider taking vacation days from your job, when you are a single mother, to take care of this guy who is not your boyfriend, not your family, and not someone you see very often? These questions may seem rhetorical, but they’re not. You should try and answer them, and understand that the reality is you’re so down in the dumps, the bargain basement attention this guy is giving you is worth your time and emotions in your mind.

This guy is a loser. The reason he got upset when he heard you were going to take vacation days from work to care for him is because he doesn’t want to feel responsible for reciprocating in kind. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you where he might “owe you.” He doesn’t want to give to you. Not in any mature, adult real way.

Sorry if this is blunt, but my advice to you is call it quits with Mr. Famous Musician and find a Mr. Regular Guy who treats you like the princess you deserve to be treated as. Healthy men feel great when they treat their women well. They know they’re doing a good job in their relationship and that makes them feel more like a man. This guy is a leech, and he’s sucking the energy and emotional heart right out of you. And you’re letting him.

Use all the time you’re spending with him to fortify yourself. Take a class so you can get a better job. Go to yoga. Play Little League with your son. Plan a family picnic in the park. Any of those things would be better than nursing this guy. Focus on you and build yourself up so that you can make enough money to move out of your parents’ home, and meet someone who’s healthy and ready to be in a real relationship where he can appreciate how wonderful you are.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you describe is exactly what being a teenager is like for most of the six years you are one. Everything you’re going through is very normal. Jacob’s behavior is also very normal for a teenage boy. This is a time when you and every other teen is figuring out what you like, what you don’t like, how you want to treat other people, how you want to be treated yourself, and how to experiment with a body that’s more like an adult’s, but with a mind that isn’t quite there yet.

Jacob acted very much like most teenage boys act. They are hormone charged and they really want to make out and go further if possible. Jacob was probably really jazzed that you invited him to your party, and you both loved flirting. When he told you he was going to give you 17 kisses at your party, that was his way of taking things a step further and letting you know that’s where he was going, and seeing how you would respond. While you weren’t so sure about the making out, you experimented and went for it.

But men and women are different, even as teenagers. Women get a lot more invested emotionally after making out or any kind of sexual activity with a man than men do, if they’re honest with themselves. Women who think they can turn off emotions and make out with lots of different men, or go further than making out with lots of different men are denying their true feelings. Men, however, are much more driven, generally, by sexual urges and are generally able and willing to let sex be their goal — even if it’s just making out. That’s not to say there aren’t gentlemen out there. There are. But men without manners are sexually driven.

Jacob may have hoped things were going to go further sexually, than they did, and decided to move on when they didn’t. He may also have just met someone new, the same way he did you, and went full tilt on pursuing her. You’ll never really know what his feelings were. But you do know what his actions were, and he gave you very clear messages after your party that he’s not really interested. I know it’s confusing because your feelings are different and you want and maybe even expect him to respond differently than he did, but if you pay attention to his not responding to you, you’ll understand that he’s moved on.

You, however, haven’t. You’re a little seduced by having made out with him and invested yourself emotionally and physically. In your head, making out with a guy means you have a relationship. Trust me — in his head it’s not the case. You’re also very in touch with your uncertainty. It’s interesting that you asked me to tell you how you feel about Jacob. I don’t need to, because you already now how you feel: You liked him when he was giving you attention, and you don’t like the fact that he got a new girlfriend so quickly after you, and then ignored you even though you’d made out with him. You were interested in moving forward with him. At your pace. He wasn’t.

Since he’s moved on, my suggestion to you is to take advantage of the summer, and make a fresh start yourself. Move on, meet new people this summer, and stay true to your own feelings, while listening and paying attention to those of the men who come into your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Women have a way of telling men what they want and making it sound like the man isn’t measuring up. Men hate this. They want to feel like they’re your knight in shining armor. If they hear what they think is criticism, they’re going to back away and/or fight back. Sounds like your boyfriend’s doing both.

If what you truly wanted with your boyfriend that started all this fighting was some quality time like regular date nights, rather than criticize him look for any opportunity to praise him when he does what you like. Most guys love praise from their wives and girlfriends and will do what they can to get more of it. If you don’t praise him and make him feel good about being with you, he’s going to find someone who does make him feel good about being with her. Maybe you’ve heard of the idea of positive reinforcement. It can work a lot more effectively than punishment for bad behavior.

You can start out by saying, “That was so nice of you!” He’s going to be a little taken aback at first because this is such a change from the way the two of you have been together, but he’ll get used to it in a good way. Then you can amp up the compliments by saying, “I loved that you did this for me. It made me feel great, and I really appreciate this about you.” And by this time, he should be pretty happy to hear these compliments. At which point you can say, “God, that was great what you did today when you opened the car door for me. I love that about you. I think it might be really nice to get all dressed up and go out to dinner and have you do that for me in public.” And if he doesn’t take the cue, you’ll have to work a little harder and next time say, “I’d love to go this party with you and show you off. Can you make an hour for me on Saturday after you watch your game on TV? I’ll make it up to you in whatever way you want!”

Use your feminine wiles to get what you think you should have without asking, but in reality aren’t getting. It may be the kind of compromise you need in your relationship to set it right again.

If you want to try and fathom your relationship from this downward spiral, you’re going to have to change your behavior with your boyfriend. It may or may not be too late. As for the lie he told you, if you can’t get over that betrayal, he’s always going to feel like he’s on trial, and that’s no good. If this guy is a constant liar, then you’d do well to move on. But if he truly did lie just that once in order to avoid your wrath, maybe you can muster up some understanding.

Can you imagine what he would be like if he were really, really happy in the relationship with you? He’d want to take you out and bring you flowers and gifts and go to parties with you, not with his friend who cheats on the girlfriend. Can you be that girlfriend who he’s happy to be with and excited to come home to, and still be true to yourself? If the answer is any semblance of a yes, then give it a shot.

[Member]

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