[tracy]

I love my boyfriend so much….We have been together for almost a year and a half. I heard this is the point in the relationship where you either make it or break it off. We have constantly been arguing and he works a lot. That isn’t the problem but when he’s with me, he thinks he’s spending time with me by “hanging out with me” but he’s constantly on the computer or working one way or another. My issue is I don’t feel he gives me “What I need” which I now know is “Quality Time”. About a month ago I told him that “I’m just not getting what I need from you”, I couldn’t pinpoint what I needed, I just knew there was something missing and I just wasn’t happy…we faught all the time because I was irritated with everything he was doinf because I felt that I wasn’t good enough. I thought by telling him that I’m not getting what I need from him he would open up more and try to give me the things I needed. Instead, he just got angry and since then, everytime we fight he akes it to another level. He has started talking down to me, telling me to “shut up”, says I’m being a bitch, and about 2 weeks ago we got in a huge fight, he was very demeaning and being mean and he called me a bitch. We actually talked later and we made things better, he said he wanted to go out with his friends and just hang out and be happy. But he lied to me about who he went with. He told me he went to dinner with a freind in LA and he really went with a guy friend who I don’t like in OC (this friend has a gril friend and cheats on her all the time). I found a receipt by mistake and that’s how I found out he lied to me, otherwise I woul’ve never known. He told me he only lied because he didn’t want to fight about going out with that freind but I have never given him any reason to think we would’ve faught at all about going out with that friend. Before this lie, I trusted him completely. He has always been completely honest with me about everything and I have never questioned him about anything. I have never looked through his phone or even spied on him at all. ( I told myself that if I ever had to feel the need to do anything to that nature then I shouldn’t be with that guy). Now Iquestion everything and it hurts so much. It makes me think he was with another girl instead of that other friend. I don’t know if that’s just another lie to cover up who he really went with. Now I feel like I have to question everything. We have faught so much more since he lied. I told him that I will try to forget about it and forgive him because that’s ultimately what I want. I want to be with him and I want to marry him but not with a relationship like this! He is 33 and I am 26. He is my best friend and it hurts that he lied to me. He thinks I should get over the lie but I feel that trust is one of the most important things in a relationship and he needs to gain my trust back. I am trying to let it go but I am insecure with our relationship now and it makes me sad because he did this to me. I never have lied to him and I’ve tried to be the bigger person when we fight. I am all about respect in a relationship and I feel that he just doesn’t care to show me respect anymore. I don’t know if it’s because he’s just upset and over fighting or if it’s because he’s over me. I have a lot of girl friends but I need an expert’s advice. Please tell me if there is any hope in rekindling what we had. I tried to plan a date night tonight and I was going to take him to a nice dinner because we both have been so stressed with work and life issues lately. But we got in a dumb fight and I brought up old stuff which I know was wrong but it escalated so fast and he started being mean again and then it ended with him leaving my house and texting me that “I agreed to keep the past in the past…and I put him through hell and that I need to talk to a shrink”. What shoulld I do if I want to make it work with him? Or am I just really hopeful and should this be the point that I need to walk away? 🙁 Please help me…

[kai]

Stand up for yourself and get away from this guy. He treats you TERRIBLY, lies to you and who knows what else… Things aren’t going to get better, only worse. I suggest you get out now. 😀

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Women have a way of telling men what they want and making it sound like the man isn’t measuring up. Men hate this. They want to feel like they’re your knight in shining armor. If they hear what they think is criticism, they’re going to back away and/or fight back. Sounds like your boyfriend’s doing both.

If what you truly wanted with your boyfriend that started all this fighting was some quality time like regular date nights, rather than criticize him look for any opportunity to praise him when he does what you like. Most guys love praise from their wives and girlfriends and will do what they can to get more of it. If you don’t praise him and make him feel good about being with you, he’s going to find someone who does make him feel good about being with her. Maybe you’ve heard of the idea of positive reinforcement. It can work a lot more effectively than punishment for bad behavior.

You can start out by saying, “That was so nice of you!” He’s going to be a little taken aback at first because this is such a change from the way the two of you have been together, but he’ll get used to it in a good way. Then you can amp up the compliments by saying, “I loved that you did this for me. It made me feel great, and I really appreciate this about you.” And by this time, he should be pretty happy to hear these compliments. At which point you can say, “God, that was great what you did today when you opened the car door for me. I love that about you. I think it might be really nice to get all dressed up and go out to dinner and have you do that for me in public.” And if he doesn’t take the cue, you’ll have to work a little harder and next time say, “I’d love to go this party with you and show you off. Can you make an hour for me on Saturday after you watch your game on TV? I’ll make it up to you in whatever way you want!”

Use your feminine wiles to get what you think you should have without asking, but in reality aren’t getting. It may be the kind of compromise you need in your relationship to set it right again.

If you want to try and fathom your relationship from this downward spiral, you’re going to have to change your behavior with your boyfriend. It may or may not be too late. As for the lie he told you, if you can’t get over that betrayal, he’s always going to feel like he’s on trial, and that’s no good. If this guy is a constant liar, then you’d do well to move on. But if he truly did lie just that once in order to avoid your wrath, maybe you can muster up some understanding.

Can you imagine what he would be like if he were really, really happy in the relationship with you? He’d want to take you out and bring you flowers and gifts and go to parties with you, not with his friend who cheats on the girlfriend. Can you be that girlfriend who he’s happy to be with and excited to come home to, and still be true to yourself? If the answer is any semblance of a yes, then give it a shot.

[Ethan Morales]

This situation is tricky because it’s a mix of communication issues, trust, and emotional patterns. On one hand, your feelings are valid: quality time and respect are essential in a relationship, and being called names, talked down to, and lied to undermines trust. That is serious and can’t just be brushed aside. On the other hand, April’s advice about positive reinforcement has merit relationships improve when appreciation is emphasized rather than constant criticism but it’s only effective if both partners are willing to engage and respect each other.

Right now, your relationship seems to have crossed into a pattern of fighting, defensiveness, and disrespect. You’re trying to get his attention and care, but he’s responding with anger and demeaning behavior. Even if you were to change your approach, you can’t control his behavior or force him to act respectfully. A single lie, especially when it shakes your trust, is concerning, but the bigger red flags are his patterns of disrespect and inability to take your feelings seriously.

If you want to make it work, there are a few things you’d need: Clear boundaries: He must understand that disrespect (name-calling, belittling, lying) is unacceptable. This isn’t about manipulation it’s about self-respect.

Positive reinforcement works only if he is willing to meet you halfway. If he refuses to engage respectfully, your efforts alone won’t fix the relationship. Consider couples counseling or at least a structured conversation where both of you can express needs without escalation. Decide what behaviors are non-negotiable. Trust, respect, and emotional safety are critical.

Your hope to rekindle what you had is understandable, but hope alone isn’t enough. Right now, there’s a serious imbalance you are investing emotionally while he’s responding with defensiveness and deceit. If he’s unwilling to take accountability and consistently respect you, that’s a strong signal that this relationship may not be sustainable long-term.

you can try, but only if he’s committed to change. Otherwise, continuing like this risks ongoing hurt and erosion of self-respect.

[Tara]

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS ALREADY DEAD, and you’re the one still trying to resuscitate a corpse. He’s not stressed, he’s not overwhelmed, he’s not “just upset.” He’s disrespectful. He’s dismissive. And he’s treating you like you’re lucky he hasn’t walked out yet. That’s not love that’s contempt.

You told him you weren’t getting what you needed, and instead of stepping up, he punished you for having standards. That’s why the arguments escalated. That’s why he started calling you a bitch, telling you to shut up, talking down to you like you’re something stuck to his shoe. Men don’t suddenly start that behavior it shows up when they stop valuing the person in front of them. He’s showing you exactly how little respect he has left.

The lie wasn’t the problem it was the confirmation. The moment he lied over something trivial, then blamed you for being upset, he exposed the truth: he wants the freedom to do whatever he wants without accountability and he resents you for expecting basic honesty.

Now he hides behind “you need to get over it” because it’s easier than owning his choices. That’s why you’re spiraling not because you’re insecure, but because the trust is gone and he hasn’t done a single thing to rebuild it.

Here’s the verdict you don’t want but desperately need: you can’t “fix” this because he doesn’t think anything is broken. He thinks YOU are the problem. That’s why he throws therapy at you as an insult instead of getting his own emotional disaster handled. That’s why every fight ends with him attacking you instead of addressing the issue. This man isn’t trying to make it work he’s trying to wear you down until you stop expecting effort.

If you stay, your future is simple: more disrespect, more lies, more emotional erosion until you can’t recognize yourself. If you leave, you get your self-respect back. There’s no “rekindling” anything here the flame is gone, and he’s the one who stomped it out. Stop begging for the version of him that existed in your head. Walk away before you waste another year convincing yourself that this is what love is supposed to feel like.

[Sally]

It’s that slow kind of hurt where you’re still in love, but you’re starting to feel small in the relationship, and you don’t know how you got here.
The thing that really sticks with me is how he talks to you now. Once a man starts telling you to shut up or calling you names, something in the relationship shifts. And it’s really hard to come back from that. You can love him and still admit that this version of him doesn’t feel safe or steady.

The lie hurts because it cracked something you thought was solid. And now you’re doing all the emotional heavy lifting while he gets angry at you for still bleeding from a cut he made.

I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting it to work. I just think you’re carrying the whole thing by yourself. Maybe take a breath and be honest with yourself about what life looks like if nothing changes. Sometimes that answer tells you everything.

[Member]

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