[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, this guy doesn’t like you. He’s giving you all the signs that he’s not really interested. You’re fantasizing that his long gazes are meaningful. They’re not. Now you’re trying to create drama based on gossip from your friend in the hopes of staying connected to him in this way. My advice to you is to forget this guy and focus your sights elsewhere. He’s got other things going on that don’t concern you. And you should do the same.

When a guy doesn’t respond to your e-mails or instant messages or in person cues, it means he’s not interested. And even if he responds sometimes and not others, he’s not interested enough to be in any kind of relationship with you. When you start feeling him distance himself from you after you offer to buy him a gift while you’re on vacation, it’s because he doesn’t want a gift from you, and he feels that you’re misreading the relationship between the two of you to be more than it is. He doesn’t even really want to be considered good friends.

Don’t get angry at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s giving you cues so he doesn’t have to spell it out for you and hurt your feelings. That’s what the distancing is about.

You deserve better. Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have some unanswered questions about this woman. Perhaps if you knew the answers to the questions about her prior (present?) marriage, you would know better how to proceed. My advice is that you give her a phone call. Ask her how she’s doing, and what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be a phone call in which you ask her out on a date. You can just call to say hello because you’re still interested in her.

It sounds like you got a little information on your first date about her marriage ending badly. You owe it to yourself to find out how long ago she separated and divorced. If it was just a few months ago, she may not be ready for intimacy and needs to be approached gently, but firmly. If she’s dwelling on a break up that happened over a year or so ago, she may have some more complex issues to work through before she’s any fun. And if she’s still married, but divorcing, I’d give her six months and then call her again and see if she’s in a different state of mind and more interested in going out with you then.

Then again, there’s always the possibility that you’re both being slightly tentative and misreading each other’s cues. That’s why I think a nice phone call one evening or weekend might be just the thing to guide you into the next step.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may be able to be friends with your boyfriend at some point, but not now. Breaking up usually works best when the break is clean. By breaking up with him because he’s going away, but then agreeing to stay together until he leaves didn’t really make it a clean break. It must have been hard for you because you broke up with him because he’s going away — not because he cheated on you or abused you or did something wrong. You broke up with him for circumstantial reasons. Perfectly understandable and reasonable. The problem was when you flip flopped. It probably seemed like a compromise to you, but to him, it was a way to keep his options open.

When he met someone else in Boston, he pretty much had a license to move on with his life since your getting back together was conditional on being together only for the weeks before he left for his four month trip. If you hadn’t agreed to stay together until he left for Europe and had made it a clean break, it wouldn’t have hurt so much, because he wouldn’t have betrayed you, but it would still have hurt because he moved on so quickly after your break up.

Break ups are painful, it’s always good to see someone’s true colors because you can conduct your own life accordingly. Would you really be able to trust him if he came back to you now, for the few weeks before he goes away for the summer? I think not.

Focus on your own summer plans and yourself. Breaking up is hard to do, but when one door closes another opens — and I bet in your case more than one door will open since you’re newly single. For now, don’t try to be friends with your ex-boyfriend. Let the healing begin, move on, and see how you feel about a friendship with him after six months or so.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your boyfriend travels for a living, and he just happens to be traveling to the city where his soon to be ex-girlfriend lives, then it makes sense that he would want to break up face to face. If you trust this guy, then his breaking up in person is a gentlemanly way to end things. Remember the episode of Sex and The City where one of the girls got broken up with by a post it note? It seemed like the ultimate insult that the boyfriend couldn’t even break up on the phone. Clearly, breaking up in person is the best mannered way to do things. It brings closure and finality and is respectful of the other person and the relationship.

That said, closure and finality is what he should be looking for in a break up. Spending the night at her house after he breaks up with her and wanting your approval is manipulative and disrespectful of you. Spending a few days at her house after the break up really makes the breakup seem like a charade. Going out with her “as friends” immediately after the break up sounds like reconciliation to me.

I think your boyfriend wants his cake and to eat it, too. In other words, he wants you and he wants her. And your discomfort with his attitude is right on. You don’t really need my advice — you already know what to do. You just want me to say what you’re thinking! And luckily, I’m happy to do that.

Don’t fight with him, but tell him that as long as he is going to be spending the night or going out as friends with his long distance maybe ex-girlfriend, you’re not interested in giving him your heart or your time. Give him the choice, let him make decide, and then act appropriately, meaning, if he has to see her and you, he doesn’t get you. Period.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When a man likes you, you’ll know it. He’ll want your attention. He’ll light up when he sees you. He’ll want to be near you. And he’ll ask you out on a date. After the date he’ll call you. And eventually, he’ll ask you out again. He’ll want to do nice things for you. If he doesn’t do these things, don’t waste your time. He doesn’t like you enough to pursue a relationship. Don’t keep banging on a door that’s locked. Knock on the doors that you think may open, and if they don’t, move on.

The great thing you’ve done is to put yourself out there and test the waters. Meeting people on dating sites or in real life is a great first step to seeing if they’re someone you’re interested in having a relationship with, and to see if you’re someone they’re interested in having a relationship with, too. The more you put yourself out there, the more you’re increasing the chances of meeting someone compatible. The reality is that you have to take a lot of rejections and do a lot of rejecting yourself before you meet someone who’s really right for you. And if you can look at the big picture, which is tough, but I know you can do it, you’ll see that when someone rejects you, they’re doing you a favor. They’re keeping you from wasting your time on someone who’s not right. That way, you can get back out there, and find someone who is.

If you think about baseball, most great hitters have a tremendous number of strikeouts. But when they connect with the ball, they usually hit a home run. No one really remembers all those strikeouts. What they remember is that one amazing home run. The same is true with dating. You have to get up to bat, and be ready to strike out until you get that one amazing hit.

You’ve already made yourself available to this guy by e-mailing him, and meeting him at church. He knows how to get ahold of you if he wants. In the meantime, keep putting yourself out there, smiling, looking great, living life well, and you’ll attract the man you deserve who wants to make it clear to you how much he likes you and wants to spend time with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Either this guy is a workaholic, and he’s giving you a very clear picture of what life with him will be like in the future, or he’s not as interested in you as he once was, which is why he didn’t try to see you on his one week off of work. I can tell that you’re disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend more time with you, but trying to get someone to be something they’re not will only lead to more disappointment. It’s much better for you to accept him as he truly is and decide if he’s right for you. Some women get along really well with workaholic men. But this may not be you.

It’s also probably disappointing because you’ve invested a year with this man, and things aren’t going the way you thought they would. Remember that if this isn’t Mr. Right, then a year is a short time compared to a decade of being with the wrong guy. Time is relative.

Most importantly is that you be honest with yourself. Is this someone you want to pursue a future with? If you’re not sure, then have a talk with him, and find out what’s going on. If he tells you, then you’ll have a better idea of his life and you’ll either feel closer to him for having talked, or more disappointed because he’s just not that into you. If he doesn’t tell you what’s going on, or denies something’s going on, then you’ve got the same options. You can believe that he’s disappointing as a partner or that he’s just not that into you and is being deceptive about something he doesn’t want you to know about.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Most people find love relationships at work, since that’s where they spend most of their days and lives. So, it’s understandable that you and your husband are working at the same company. But since you’re divorcing, you already realize that love comes and goes, and sometimes relationships come and go, even after you pledge to stay together until death do you part. So expecting Adam to promise to be there forever — or even for three months — is unrealistic of you. Get a cappucino and take a good whiff.

Second newsflash: Divorce proceedings get ugly when one party starts dating. This happens regardless of who initiated the divorce. You would be wise to cool or quit your relationship with Adam until your divorce is finalized. Worst case scenario is that Adam breaks up with you and starts fueling your soon to be ex-husband’s case against you in court. That could cost you spousal support or alimony and custody if you have children. Divorces can get ugly.

And lastly, but most importantly, it’s very normal for a divorcing spouse to want to replace the lost relationship. That said, it’s too soon for you. My advice is to call it quits with Adam, and do it in a friendly way. Explain that it’s in your own best interests to simplify your life until your divorce is finalized. Then either don’t date anyone, or only date on the down low outside of work with people you meet and who work at places other than your employment.

The time alone will be good for you. You need to grieve your marriage and process the failure and loss. You need to support yourself emotionally before you can achieve another healthy relationship. Think about it as if you broke a leg. You wouldn’t start jogging again the week you got the cast off. You’d wait until the bone was properly healed to ensure a healthy jogging lifestyle. Well, the same is true with dating after divorce.

And besides, if you do the breaking up, you may very well avoid being dumped by Adam who sounds like he’s really having trouble with the work place scenario, understandably. He may be ready to cut you loose, and that’s going to be disheartening and possibly humiliating not just personally, but in the workplace.

Be brave. You can do it. You can face your fears of being alone. It won’t be forever. But take things in the correct order, and don’t create chaos or drama to distract yourself from the divorce.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question — easy answer. Listen to your girlfriend. She’s telling you what she wants. It’s a reasonable request. Do it.

It sounds like you came on too strong, too fast. Every relationship has it’s own rhythm determined by both people. It’s kind of like a dance between two, or a pas de deux, as the French say. You don’t know each other that well yet, and while you write that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, you’d be wise to keep that to yourself for at least six to twelve months. I can assure you she’ll freak out if she hears this. She’s just not in the same place you are right now. That’s not to say that she won’t be at some point. In fact, you may tantalize her by not being so available, and leaving her wondering.

It’s easy to Monday morning quarterback, but in hindsight, I’d tell you that spending seven to nine days of the first two weeks after you’ve met, together, was way too much. But it’s not too late to slow it down now. When she comes back, play it cool. Dating is the way people get to know each other and only then, when they really know each other after six months to a year, and sometimes longer, then they can make an informed decision about whether or not to spend the rest of their lives together.

I know love and lust are exciting, but slow down, cowboy. You don’t want to blow this one, so take it easy for a while.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have every right to feel all the feelings you have. This is a complicated situation because it involves a child. But since Kristina has already said she is planning to go to court to get a DNA test, and ostensibly to collect child support once the baby is here, you have to buckle up for some very grown up times ahead if you stay with Josh. She is a piece of work, and if this baby is Josh’s she’s going to be part of his life forever if he wants any part of the baby’s life, which I recommend he man up and shoulder.

Here are some things for you to think about:

First, Josh should do some research on your local court website about paternity cases. Find out what the local rules of your court are. Don’t be afraid to call the court and ask for help getting information. If you don’t understand, tell them to please explain it so you do understand. Find out how to get a paternity test ordered by the court since Kristina won’t agree to one.

Second, if the DNA test is positive and Josh is the baby’s father, he will be ordered by the court to pay child support. That’s a given, but remember that the support is based on his custody time share, and he has rights to have custody of the child if it’s his. It’s easy to abandon the child emotionally because he’s angry at the mother, but the bottom line is, she didn’t rape him. He got sloppy drunk and had sex with her and didn’t use a condom and made a baby. He is responsible. He may be this baby’s father. I know you don’t want to believe that, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Josh can ask the court for half custody of the child and help raise it. This will be hard work. It will also cut his child support payment to Kristina in half. It will also give the child a father, and allow Josh and yourself, if you’re still with him, to parent this child. Believe me, Kristina will not be happy about handing her baby over to Josh every other week, or whatever the custody schedule is. She may think she has control now because the baby is in her body, but once the court gets involved, she’s going to lose control if Josh wants custody of his baby. Even if Josh decides to just ask for physical custody of the child every other weekend and one or two nights a week, it will contribute positively to the child’s life, probably cut down on Josh’s guilt, and it will reduce his child support payments.

In addition, the longer Josh waits to ask for custody of his child, if it is his, the harder it will be to get custody. One day in a couple of years, he may realize he wants to parent this child, and it will be too late. He’ll have to fight to get custody then, and he may or may not win because he originally abandoned the baby at birth. So he needs to make some very mature decisions in case the paternity test is positive and he is the father.

But the above is really all about him. What is of concern to me is that you haven’t told your parents. The reason is because you know they will be very disappointed and you don’t want to disappoint them. You know that no parents are going to want this situation for their daughter. My advice is for you to be honest and face the music. You need to hear what they have to say. You need support for your feelings and in your own decisions. And speaking of decisions, you need to decide if you want to stay with Josh if this baby is his. His life is going to change drastically, if he decides to ask for custody, which he will probably get. I’m not saying you can’t do it. I’m just saying, be sure this is what you want for yourself. You’re not married and it’s not a crime or a moral problem for you to decide this is just too much for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, Charlie. We can’t always get what we want — and those Rolling Stones know from whence they speak. But think about it. Really. Why would you want someone who broke up with you shortly after you took him to a family wedding? This guy got a taste of intimacy, which is what introducing each other to your families is all about, and he bolted. He’s not into a relationship with you. And you know it because you say he’s wishy washy. He’s not really wishy washy — he’s very clear he doesn’t want a relationship.

Now I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it drives me crazy when women keep pounding on doors that are closed rather than sashaying gracefully through those that are open. My advice is to value yourself so much that you wouldn’t waste another second on a guy who isn’t interested in you. In a way, he did you a favor by not wasting your time. Now you can move on and find someone who treasures you. And trust me, if you value yourself, you’re going to give off an aura of confidence that men find irresistible, and it’s going to make them want to chase you and capture you. But don’t forget to give them a good chase otherwise they won’t realize what a prize they have when they finally win you over. You deserve the best. Now go out there and find it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The one thing you haven

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real question is why do you want to be with someone who doesn

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Whoa, nelly! This guy hasn

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What men say is important, but what they do is more important. Your boyfriend may have told you that he wants you to tell him when things bother you, but judging from what you’ve written me, I don

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