[Anonymous]

Thanks, April.
So he called me two days after that and acted like nothing happened. I didn’t bring it up, either. All last weekend he called me a few times a day to talk, now it’s been since Sunday and I haven’t heard a word!
I’m going to continue to follow your advice and focus on me.

[Anonymous]

Hello there,

When you were describing his words after the Sunday, it sounded familiar. I had someone say things to me like “you are the perfect girlfriend”, “I need to grow up before I date someone like you and it will take me a long time to grow up”, “I don’t want to hurt you”, “You have made the biggest impression on my family” and many similar things. At first, when I told people what he said, friends and family said he sounds really respectful and doesn’t know what he wants and is scared. Personally, I feel that they are right in that he doesn’t know what he wants and is scared but they are wrong in that he is cowardly, doesn’t see that he is coping out of something so good and is plainly insensitive. I refuse to wait around and i think it’s unfair for any girl to. A guy will never change…he will only change if something hits him hard in life and he has to be willing to change himself. I find that the only way I can go on is to say he is out of my thoughts, out of my mind and will never be part of my future….he’s already clearly said that by saying, “you need to let me go…we need to move on with our lives and I just want you to be happy.” Not all guys will have the decency and bravery to say this…but many of them want to… This is a clear message that he has given up… You sound like a wonderful, wise and attractive woman, you deserve someone who will do anything and everything for you. 😀

[Anonymous]

Thank you April,

I have done these things though, I like the way I look and I can smile at others and the worste part is I am in a loving relationship with a man who loves me.

What I don’t understand is why I want so badly for my ex to want me. I think is was hurt so badly by his rejection that for closure I need him to want me back? Is this normal?

It has been 2 years and when he was away I thought I was ok but I have been counting the days until he is home and now hat he is my feelings are just as raw as they were before.

How can I forget about him and just be happy with my current relationship?

Thank you so much for your advice, it is so lovely to have un biased advice – friends simply tell you that he is worthless and I sholdnt let him get ot me – but easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now, and I’m incredibly in love with him. He’s a good man, works very hard, takes amazing care of me & my two children (who are from my previous marriage), he’s loving, kind, affectionate and communicative, but my trust in him has been shaken. Every day I hear him tell me how much he loves me, how in love with me he is, how he’s never met any1 like me who fits him so perfectly and how blessed & lucky he feels to have me, yet I found text messages between him & another woman that were very sexual in nature. They had never met, but were well on their way to doing it, and she even knew that he had a girlfriend. I went into nuerotic mode and looked at his emails too, and found that he had answered a few ads in the personals section of craigslist. One was for a woman looking for a sugar daddy, another was for a NSA discreet relationship, and the other was for getting together for “fun times”. After I discovered the text messages, we got even closer. It felt like we worked through everything, but I haven’t felt comfortable trusting him again. Its eating at me, and I find myself checking his emails every day, assuming the worst about every action, wondering what he’s doing when he’s on the computer, or whether he’s really at work or not. My boyfriend is very attractive, and has a very open kind personality, so there’s lots of women that are attracted to him. He’s friends with every ex girlfriend he’s ever had, and they all want to marry him still. He wants to marry me & asked me if we can start looking at rings together. He also really wants more children. He would be the perfect man if it wasn’t for all these women that like him, that are apart of his life still, and the ones he maybe has yet to meet. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t imagine finding anyone as wonderful as he is to me, aside from this other stuff. Is this a sign that things will only get worse and end in ruin or is this an acclimation period and worth having tolerance & patience over?

[Anonymous]

I had a fealing that’s what you were going to say. I have some issues of my own anyways and while it’s going to be hard for me to get over this one I think your right because I feel like she makes my life even harder. I say I love her because during the good times she’s everything I could ever ask for and I can’t imagine being without her. Thanks for the quick response and I know your right but it’s still going to be hard for me.

[Anonymous]

thanks alot for the reply. but do you think i may be rite about her jus keeping me wanting her if she dumps him? Iv heard so much about this guy and he all i hear is that hes always talking about one nite stands n basically he uses woman. the total opposite of me. i mean i no im not that “too nice” of a guy. i brought her breakfast in bed and took her on romantic dates. surprised her with so many things. any advice on how i could have her crawling back?

[Anonymous]

OK, the first time she did it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, got mad at her, we argued, she apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again. The second time she did it, I could hardly believe it, we had the worst fight we have ever had, she apologized and said she would not do it again. This third time, I am totally beside myself, and am constantly questioning whether it is even worth it to remain in the relationship. What should I do? I don’t want to end up divorce, but I see this as a major major betrayal of my trust. I am just beside myself with anger.

[Anonymous]

thank you so much, i needed for someone to tell me to grow up. sometimes it seems that i am determined to find something wrong even though everything is great. as soon as i read your advice, i called my girlfriend, and she told me that she had in fact left me a message three days ago, i had simply failed to check my voicemail. your response saved me days of self-centered, self-pitying agony and a possibly fatal error in judgement. i dont know how to dance but i guess i should learn

[Anonymous]

i definately think that if he intended to come back to you, the 2 of you would not be breaking up upon his departure to the north and he would most definately tell you he was coming back! it seems like he is just leaving with a clear concience.

[Anonymous]

Hi. I thank you for your comments. I haven’t made an approach yet. I plan on mustering up courage to try it next week. But there are a couple of things I wanted to submit for your thought beforehand.

First, I know I can try and do confident, and I know I can do funny. But successful will be harder. See, I am a middle-class guy. Comfortable life, but no luxury. And the college I attend is RIDDEN with upper-class guys, with rich businessmen parents. In terms of comparison, I’ll always be at a disadvantage there. Is there a way to counteract this?

Second, my social universe is basically college. If I flirt with a lot of women in that same universe, won’t they start gossiping to each other about me (it’s not that big a place), making me appear desperate, and therefore less attractive? Shouldn’t I try and expand my universe first?

Finally, I have tried to chat before. Last year I took a trip abroad, and twice I managed to approach and strike a conversation with girls. Only I did not know, or had the courage to, move beyond small talk. It was a mix of lack of knowledge and fear of what would happen if I tried something. What sort of things could I have done? What signs should I be looking for?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Waiting for things to go back to the way they were sounds like a good idea but it could end up going no where since he is so busy. It sounded like he was at least interested. In my opinion being direct can be a turn on. Next time you’re together I would let him know how you feel but also let him know that you’re cool with just being friends if that’s what he wants. Keep it casual and light and see what he says. That way you’ll know and if he says he’s into you you can go from there and if he isn’t you’ll at least have a good friend and be able to move on.

[Anonymous]

I’m no expert but It doesn’t sound good. However, he could just be stressed out about something you’re unaware of or that he’s afraid to talk about. When anyone is expecting there’s always those surprising doubts: Am I ready?, Do we have enough money?, Can I be a good Dad?, Etc. He might be scared. Whatever his reasons are he definitely needs to talk with you when you ask him what’s going on. As you know, communication is key. I would gently try to talk with him, explain that communication is a must have and be willing and ready to listen. If he shuts you down you may want to consider couseling or worst case re-think things. In my experience, sometimes once we get something we really want we start to feel too comfortable and stop trying our best. I hope everything works out for you, him and your baby. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I also feel i should tell you that my fiancee also has an 8 year old son who i adore. i cant imagine my life without the 2 of them. but is it even possible to salvage this relationship or am i the stupidest person on earth for wanting to? we have been so happy together. and as crazy as it may sound, i have no question that he loves me. please anyone out there, ill take all the asvice or point of view i can get. i cant talk to friends or family about it, for all the obvious reasons, and i feel lost and alone right now.

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thank you for your response. I have, however, one more question. How do I go about these matters in a way that makes her feel flattered and doesn’t think I am criticizing her? She can be very sensitive to these matters. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thank you very much for your response. However, she has only just broken up with her boyfriend, and he therefore keeps texting her all day… as a result, she texts him back. Wouldn’t it be too early? Also, due to her relationship we don’t really talk to each other a lot, and the numerous hugs we used to give each other aren’t ocurring. How can I become best friends with her again, without ‘pressuring’ her by suddenly talking to her all the time. With time, is there any other way of slowly showing real affection to her other than asking her out on a date? We (as in, my friends – which includes her) go to parties quite a lot; is there anything I could do there instead?

Thanks again;

[Member]

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