[Anonymous]

hi APRIL,
wow!! im just a small message i guess uv understood my plight…. i have a feeling that when i like somebody i give them my all and hold nothin back in showing them how i feel… i guess i need to learn to play heard to get…..i do find it really stupid , but i think sincerely thats what change i need to make…. never show them ur vunerable….

do u think that he used me april?? thats absolutely how i fell like now,and that he was bored…. and that his reason of not wanting to hurt me was just to make himself look good to me…

what do u feel ?… i donot think i can believe in love again, and any other opportunity will just make me feel that its not forever….and love does not exist…. iv been a believer oh so long , but evrytime somthing like this happens i have lost more and more belief in true love….( many of th guys iv met have just wanted to hav a fling and then disappear ):((

[Anonymous]

May I just say… wow. What a F*#%($)#$). I know you said you are older and all, but it don’t matter what the age. You need to get the french toast out of there. For one thing, you are a grown woman and shouldn’t be treated that way. You should be treated with love, respect, and dignity. Two, teen porn??? Hell no. If you see that you should turn him in because otherwise if he’s using your computer, you could get in trouble for it. Three, if there is every religious persecution in a relationship, then the relationship should end.

You are a woman who deserves waaaaaaay better than some scummy jerk.

[Anonymous]

[img]https://www.geocities.com/italykitty/smallwhites31.jpg[/img]
intellectually I know what you are saying is true…
emotionally I am struggling – any day I wake up and am not hit with an immediate sense of loss and grief and emptiness… failure… is a good day… I mourn the good… because the flip side was so immensely good… loving, funny… so completely opposite of the “angry side” of him… My girls used to say babo do your preacher man… and he would stop what he was doing and go say prayers…

letting go is hard.
but I know I can not heal unless I do.

Your response- your words made a difference in my day.
so Thank you …. very much…

[Anonymous]

If she’s under a blanket with you that’s a good sign that you can make a move. Her putting the blanket on the both of you is like the coach putting you in the game, it’s time to make a play. Goodluck.

[Anonymous]

oh.. i guess i figured as much. 🙁
thx for the response

[Anonymous]

as my signature says, immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. It also isnt defined by him not wanting marriage or children just as you are not more mature because you do.

If he is quite certain he does not want these things and you are sure that you do then it would be a good idea to move on. It is true that he may change his mind but you should not depend on that, stay with him and then be angry because he doesnt change his mind later on. If you stay with him then you have to accept that he may never change it and he will not be immature nor will he have misled you in any way.

[Anonymous]

I found most of that advice reasonable and rational, though maybe I failed to make known my intent.

Now, I’ll be straight up honest and not try to pretend otherwise, just like almost any male interaction with a female, it almost ALWAYS is because of some underlying motivation in that you are attracted to her and thus “want” her in some way or another. I will not deny that.

Now, I will addon to that something that perhaps I failed to make known, and that is through my experiences in life I have come to realize that all of us through religion, science, and/or philosophy all wonder why we exist, why we are here, and what is our purpose (if any). And the conclusion I have come to that simplifies this so easily is that “Whatever is, is. And with whatever is, make the best of it.” Not knowing what that purpose is (if any) I can at least say that we also measure our lives by our own happiness. So I have come to value above anything else being happy.

Whats more is I that I have come to care also about the people around me and that I can help to bring them happiness, even if all I am is just a friend, or just an acquantaince.

So while yes deep down I do have attraction to this girl, I also by proxy of who I have become care about how she feels just as I care about everyone else around me.

I do have to disagree you on one thing at that is I don’t think it is a good idea to “ask her out.” What makes you think if she is hardly willing to just casually conversate behind the security of her computer screen, I highly doubt she would want to go out. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that making a big request of her right now does not seem smart to me because she still exhibits signs of resistance.

I also would not be so quick so assume she is not a nice girl, its definitely a good possibility, but I would not be so quick to assume this just yet given the personal example I can draw on…

I consider myself to be a very nice person, but someone like my mom who I do care about calls me all the time, is always overly concerned about how I am doing etc, and naturally hits my “filter” and I can hardly help but want to ignore her. In the same way this girl, probably similar to many other beautiful girls, is used to getting lots of attention and in particular ways and has naturally created a “filter” to respond to this. Also probably does not have a very long attention span.

So someone like me who naturally over-expounds on things probably is just automatically triggering her “annoying” filters and she is just doing what her brain has learned to do from experience…ignore me.

Oh and I should probably elaborate that when I say she is “nice” I am referring to her treatment of other people in generality, not “I think she is nice” or “she treats ME nice.”

Also, I know she is not interested me because why should she be. We realistically don’t even know each other. Why would you be interested in somebody you hardly knew before and just now started talking to again. That would be unreasonable to expect that she would be interested in me.

What I’m interested in doing is seeing if I can build up a line of successful yet casual communication, something on some sort of regular basis so that she is used to talking to me. It is then that I personally think it would be just fine to casually suggest hanging out, doing things, etc.

If she proves to be a good friend first, then I’ll consider being even more bold and making advances.

Again all I am trying to right now is build consistent, casual friendly conversation with her so I can better find out who SHE is.

[Anonymous]

Thank you very much for your kind advice.

I also feel that breaking up is probably the right thing. It is just so difficult to be the one to let him go. He feels very devastated about this situation as well and doesn’t want to break up. But he is sensitive enough that he knows it’s unfair to stay together when he can’t promise me what I want.

I had given him an ultimatum of engagement or breakup by this time, so he doesn’t know that the “moving together” option is even on the table. I can’t believe that this is the result of a wonderful and amazing 5 1/2 years together. It seems so surreal. I don’t understand how he can feel that I’m the perfect match for him but not be “ready” for marriage. I became “ready” when I met the right person, and that person was him. It just seems such a shame that such a wonderful relationship should end like this. This is why I am having trouble letting him go.

At the moment, I’ve told him I need to think about things for a while. I told him I’d let him know when I’m ready to talk. (Normally we speak every evening at minimum.) I was supposed to visit him in early November and I think I should still do that and have the remaining conversation in person.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much everyone..haven’t been able to log on since a few days so sorry for the late reply.. I have decided that my feelings for him go much beyond superficiality and I should just stop comparing him and accept him as he is because that is exactly what he does. Thank u once again..I really appreciate the help! 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

You are completely right!!! 😀 The only thing i’m wondering with this guy that keeps me hanging on is this….he tells me he may change his mind and want to live in the united states forever, but right now he can’t make that decision. So I’m like ok what if we do get married and you want to live in iran in the end? Ya know what I mean…anyway, I think this is the deal breaker myself….You’re absolutely right..but where can I find a descent man that has a good job, doesn’t even have to be that great looking but a descent man ( honest, sweet man that has a good head on his shoulders and has a good education). Also, I prefer not to have pre-marital sex. I mean honestly is that too much to ask??? Also, I prefer him to be iranian if that’s possible…i mean I’ve dated american men too, but we have less in common. Where I live there aren’t many iranian people so it’s really hard for me to find a guy. That is probably why i’m holding on to this one. Anyway, help!

[Anonymous]

you should get one of those magic memory rocks. They really help. Remember ….he’s a loser! Sorry

[Anonymous]

I hope you ditch the zero. That guy is a Total douchebag!! Also college is a great place to meet guys- that are in college- and most will get jobs when they get out. My advice- go to school get a ton of new friends and party your ass off. In a year you’ll be laughing at the thought of being with a tool like that guy!!

[Anonymous]

Update!

He texted me today. We’re going to get together again tomorrow! 🙂

[Anonymous]

From what I read it seems that it was a sucessful date 🙂 he seems the type of romantic guy and i can tell that he is into you but obviously you cant hardly tell from the first date. You seemed to enjoy it too I can see it by the way you wrote :p good luck and ake care 🙂

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say hello all. This is my first post.

I expect to learn alot here.

[Member]

Posts