[Anonymous]

He cannot be trusted, how much is going on that you don’t know about. You are second best always because he is number #1 on his list. Please, Please do not have a baby with this boy. Future reference, don’t mess around with someone who has someone, it is a red flag for future trust issues.

[Anonymous]

Leave him, Do not waste another minute of your time. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you have found out how he is before you made a mistake and ended up in a sexless marriage. If he truly loved you and cared about you, he would do whatever it took to make you happy. He has a problem. It is not you. He obviously has a hormone imbalance or psychological problem and/or possibly a physical problem. You deserve a man who wants to take care of these problems and make things work with you. You do not want to be married to this man. You are not happy and being married to him will not make you happy, I agree with the earlier post, he is not the person you fell in love with. Don’t waste your time with the wrong man because its stopping you from being with the right man . You deserve a happy healthy relationship. I know its hard to leave someone when you love them, but you have to love yourself first.

P.s. I am speaking from experience, after I left him, he went to the doctor and found out that he was low on testosterone and got on gel therapy. Now he wants to have sex and be marrried but I have already moved on and can’t forget that cold man that I lived with for so many years. I wasted so much time trying to fix our relationship, it makes me sick. Now I have someone who can’t keep his hands off if me, who makes me feel good about myself and talks about how he can’t wait to marry me!

[Anonymous]

Its going to be hard, but you just need to be honest with him. You are just going to have to tell him that he needs to give you the common courtesy of a phone call in advance. Tell him in a nice way, that you feel like you are in a situation where you are the bad guy if you say no but that you are not always physically and mentally up for the challenge of babysitting his son especially without proper notice. You are not a daycare, you have your own children and responsibilities. It sounds like he may take you for granted maybe without realizing. For all he knows you could have appointments that day or maybe you would just like a day off. Explain to him that you shouldn’t have to feel guilty by wanting some “me” time and that you don’t mind helping him out but there are times when you are not going to feel like or are not going to want to do it and that he needs to have a plan B if you can’t come through and that this understanding works both ways. You wouldn’t really want him to watch your child if didn’t really want to. Kids know too, I always did. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

I honestly think that if she has this 20 year old, there are a couple things that could be going on. First of all, she is very confused about how she feels about you, and doesn’t want to lose you in the time that she’s figuring this stuff out. Second, she wants another guy around just in case things with you don’t work out. I would say give her another week before you ask her if you have any shot with her. If she says that you don’t have a shot, you’re going to have a heck of a time trying to get over her, but it is possible. I would suggest trying to find another friend (female would be better) that you can confide in, that way your best friend isn’t constantly reminded that you like her, especially if she doesn’t like you back. Of course, if she tells you that she likes you, then you’re all set 😀 Hopefully this helped you out some.

[Anonymous]

You are going have to decide, do you want a 100% monogamous relationship or do you want to be part of a swinging couple? I don’t think he means that you need more experience just different experience like try swinging, another woman, group, s&m,etc. Try whatever and if you don’t like it, then don’t do it. You are in control of you and what you are comfortable with.

Are you sure that you want to be in a committed relationship or is this what you are used to? He probably doesn’t associate sex with love and it sounds like you do. So just be sure, that your feelings for him are genuine, would you like him if you didn’t have any physical contact? Are there any other redeeming qualities that would make you want to be him long term? maybe you are just feeling attached because you enjoy the sex so much. Whichever,
If this guy can’t commit then move on to someone who can. It hard when you care about them and they are so damn good in bed but be smart, don’t get get yourself hurt. Being with the wrong guy, will stop you from finding the right guy.

Contrary to popular belief, you can find a man that truly loves you and can please you sexually beyond your imagination but at the same time be your best friend, I did it, so can you:)

[Anonymous]

I know that you love him and that having to do this is going to be really hard to hear, but you need to give him his freedom. He wants to be free,free from this committed relationship with you .Its not you , he still cares about you but he cares about himself more. He will continue to see you, spend time with you, etc and then do what he wants to do when you’re not around. He will have his cake and eat it too. As long as you are spending time with him, you are putting off the inevitable. The only way you are going to get over him is to stop seeing him, talking to him, etc. You may not be able to do this cold turkey, but you have got to stop acting like his girlfriend. He needs to be clear that he has chosen to end the relationship and that the benefit of having a girlfriend is over. You want to cook, snuggle and pay the bills for someone who is willing to give up his “freedom” to be with you. The guy that can’t wait to come home to be with his girlfriend, not the guy who wants to go out and do whatever he wants and not affect you. Be with the guy who deserves you and appreciates you! I can tell that you know this, just by what you said in your question. I just want to confirm that you are right. You are way ahead of him in life, you have been on your own for four years and he still has a lot of growing up to do.I promise , with time you will get over him. You are young and you will meet someone else, you have your whole life ahead of you. You just need to focus on you, go get a job, hang out with the girls, make new friends. Focus on making yourself happy, he is.

[Anonymous]

You are in your thirties and this sounds like high school. You’ve never been in a relationship like this before because you probably dated secure, mature and intelligent women. Your “girlfriend” needs to grow up and tell her ex goodbye. He will never get closure and move on until the contact ends. I would have to question whether she is over it or not. They may not be having physical contact but this daily (emotional)contact is making it seem like they are still in a relationship. In his mind, he still has a chance and she is either having a hard time breaking the attachment or enjoys the attention. Either way, you deserve someone who respects you. Don’t buy this line “If I wanted to be with him I would” crap. She is with him, daily on text, etc. How would she feel if your ex was trying to get you back? Would she enjoy feeling like she has to compete with another woman? You obviously care about her and you don’t want to do anything rash and being bothered by this is completely normal but you are the one who has to decide how long you will tolerate this. Look up any article on the internet from credible sources and it will tell you that friendships with your exes rarely work. If they do, it is something that happens later, both people have be over each other and not trying to get back together or its just not healthy for anyone. And speaking from experience, I stayed in a relationship with someone who stayed friends with an ex and I tolerated it because I didn’t want to seem insecure. But a secure person, would have never put up with it. I eventually had enough, put my foot down and made him choose – he chose her and I left. A week later he was begging me back and it made me wish I had put my foot down earlier. Once stuck with choice, he had to decide who he wanted but it hurt and I was devastated but he did come back. I’m not telling you to do anything rash, when you give ultimatums, most of the time you lose. I’m not even with him now and it makes me mad at myself for putting up with the disrespect as long as I did. Good Luck, I hope this helps!
When the relationship ended between your “girlfriend” and her ex, who ended it, her or him?

[Anonymous]

lol, Haha. Well that movie happens to be on my netflix instant play, so i’ll definitely try to check it out…..Behind closed doors. I think you are on point with your advice. But one more quick question. You say she is not the one, how do you know exactly? Like how would i know? Say she attempts to contact me in the future, what am i supposed to do/say? Is that something I learn in the movie? lol

[Anonymous]

Hey April, thanks for responding.

Well, a lot people make me as this serious guy. But I don’t think so, i’m pretty calm cool collected type of guy. Pretty comfortable with myself. True enough i have a problem expressing my feelings and what not but i am more than willing to work on my problems. I just want to make sure its with the right person rather than wasting my time. I feel like i am a pretty good man aside from a couple issues i have. I mean no body is perfect right. Any who. The night of the fight, I wasn’t the one who blew up. She got mad because i used to always ask her if she was busy when she called and that bothered her just as much as her being busy bothered me. And she hung up on me, which she had never done. And i just didn’t call her back. We rarely had fights btw.

I don’t require a lot of attention, its just we were in a long distance relationship already. Its bad enough i don’t get to see you on a reg. basis, then on top of that you’re always busy. And she used to always say she wasn’t, when clearly that wasn’t the case. But she was taking care of things she needed to so I just kind let her do that. I’m not the type to interfere with anything or ask her to stop doing things because of me. Maybe that was another reason i didn’t really talk to her about it. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to drop things just for me.

As for giving it another shot. I don’t know. Till this day I don’t really regret my decision because i felt i made it with my mind instead of emotions. Emotionally i wanted to be with her. It takes a lot to be in a long distance for that long, and after she broke it off for the 2nd time, I just felt like i couldn’t do it anymore unless we were going to be close. I still feel that way. Funny thing is I won’t talk about this with anyone i actually know. Every body has me as the macho guy or whatever. If i told any of this to my friends they’d probably be like WHAT? lol, even my female friends. She was pretty much the only person who ever saw the other side of me.

I feel like I should just move on, but at the same time I know i won’t meet anyone like her again. But she has probably moved on, so I am trying to do the same. And i just don’t understand why i can’t put this behind me. I don’t get it, i’ve never had a problem letting go before. Its been a year already, what gives, any help for me doc?

[Anonymous]

Well, you’re right on several points…all of them, actually. I’m an intelligent guy, I grew up as an only child and spent quite a bit of time by myself, and I most definitely tend to over-analyze a lot of things, even things that I’d be better served to not analyze at all. Sometimes I can’t help it, honestly. I did indeed ramble on about my ex and I thought about deleting most of it before I posted, but didn’t. Writing it out made me feel better, actually, as once it was out of my churning mind I was able to truly note how ridiculous it all is, and that I shouldn’t feel down. But at times I do. As for not knowing how to attract a “normal” person, that’s something I’ve often thought about as well; I’m not sure I can, especially at this point. I’ll give an example. I had my first truly serious girlfriend in my early-twenties; I was engaged to her at one point. I held absolute trust in her, and the most problems we had were that she could be extremely tempermental at times, to the point that I thought she was bipolar, but she was borderline diabetic, so that’s what I chalked it up to. She would always leave for few days (or longer), but always had a reason that I understood and believed. I shouldn’t have; I found out later (about four months before the wedding) that she was smoking meth, and had been since her late-teens. Needless to say, after that, a lot of stuff came to light, and it was like she was living a dual life: one with me, the other with these “friends” of hers. I tell you that to give some perspective; it took awhile, but I did get past that and was able to move on. And in my defense, having not had any dealings with drug-addicts before that point, I was naive and oblivious (perhaps I still am in a lot of ways). The next few weren’t all that great either but they didn’t last long, as I was able to back out early and end it. The last one, I obviously should have backed out long ago, but I kept on.

I do want to be loved and respected by a woman that I’m with; I don’t believe I’ve ever been the recipient of such things, honestly. I am at times bottomed out on self-esteem and self-worth, from what I allow myself to be put through by others; I believe I am an attractive guy, I’m smart, honest, all that. But I can’t understand what happens. I’m at a point now where I want a strong, serious, long-term relationship; I’m not getting any younger, all my friends are married, and even a few of my young cousins have gotten married. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me, I don’t know. If I ever was to find myself in a “normal” relationship, I’m sure that one of two things would happen: it would either be the easiest thing in the world for me (considering I can make these screwed up relationships with screwed up people half-way work); or I’d unwittingly sabotage the good relationship due to being used to bad ones. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is the way it is; self-esteem issues, sure. I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. I am looking into relocating to the city to be closer to my close friends and having more social outlets, but at the same time, it’s a tough decision to make, as I wonder if the change would be any different for me (and further complicated by my mother, who’s been in relative poor health for years, which is a long story but begins with a broken back, and I don’t think I could forgive myself if I left and something bad happened, though by that same token I want out of this area, as it looks like I’m cursed around here). Anyway, thanks again, April.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, April. What you said was largely what I expected…and is undoubtedly the right thing. As for my ex being prone towards inappropriate behavior, I will say this: I worked with her for a while, until she was fired from the job for sending pornographic picture messages to an administrator (not of her, though). She said it was just as a joke; obviously, he felt differently. And yes, I was indeed dating her during this time, it was probably about a little under a year into the relationship. And yes, I stayed with her; I didn’t condone what she did, but I forgave her. She then went about seven months unemployed, during which time I paid her bills for her (as she was unable to draw unemployment, or at least as far as I will ever know) rather than see her lose everything: I paid her rent (as I didn’t live with her), her car payments, her car insurance, food, food for her cats, even movies/clothes/whatever to keep her happy…you name it, I paid for it. In hindsight, my friends and family were absolutely right — stupid move on my part, but I was sure that it was the right thing to do, as I had been with her for awhile and I did care about her. She was able to secure a couple of part time jobs during this time, but she hardly made enough to make any payments and they didn’t last too long. And that’s a major part of what hurt/depressed/angered me when I finally broke it off; I spent at least nearly half the time that we were together making sure she was on stable feet, and within the first two weeks of her finally getting a full-time job is when I caught her lying about where she was (I’ll never know, but more than likely she was with another man). She also has been twice divorced, with both marriages ending due to various adulteries committed by her; I didn’t learn of these until after we had been together for a while, and I reasoned that they were ‘before my time’ and thus didn’t concern me. Yeah, right. And I only learned of it because one of her ‘men’ kept coming around wanting to know why she ‘lied’ to him (I snuck a peek at her texts); before that, she would go out on lunch break to eat with him (he’d pick her up), telling me that he was a friend of her father’s, which i believed until i learned the truth of course, as the guy was fairly old (to put it bluntly). One time she went on a date with a man that she said was a cousin; later I discovered that he was a roomate to one of her promiscuous friend’s several ‘boyfriends’, and it just so happened that their date followed a weekend that she spent with her friend. She claimed it was coincidence, which i never really bought but forgave her for. Ah, but I”m venting now. But as I said — I stayed in it for far too long. And only I’m to blame for that, honestly. As I stated though, I suppose I was able to fool myself because after happenings such as these, there would be a relative period of peace and we’d have good times for while. At least, until the next ‘coincidence’ would pop up.

My closest friend is not a psychologist but is a very educated and learned man nonetheless, and he’s told me that she sounds like a borderline sociopath, which may be true, considering she’s prone to lying and betrayal, as well as seemingly taking no responsibility or remorse for her actions. Whereas at first it was upsetting to me to think that someone could treat me as such, now it just depresses me that I was even with someone like that at all, let alone for how long I was with her. You’re very right when you say that I want her gone for good; you’re also very right when you say that I don’t seem to always act it. I live in an area where my social outlets (friends and such) have been steadily dwindling for the past few years, as people have moved on and away, and most of my closest friends live nearly three hours away. As such, there are times when I’m alone with my thoughts, and I may get lonely or depressed which opens a door to me answering her texts/calls and being willing to socialize with her (which in and of itself is perhaps why it’s been hard for me truly ‘pull the trigger’ on getting rid of her for good). Now that doesn’t happen all the time (only twice, as I stated before), as mostly I’m just disgusted with the thought of her anymore; being in her thirties, I thought that she’d be more settled than what she apparently was. In fact, there was a period of time through September that I did indeed block her number. I have a Blackberry, and while those phones can do a lot, one thing they don’t have is a block/reject list; that costs extra on my plan. I was able to get a 30-day trial period for free, and I told my ex before hand that i was blocking her number, with the idea being that she’ll text/call within the month, I won’t answer, and she’ll take what I said to heart and stop, thinking that she was blocked forever (I didn’t tell her it was only for 30 days, naturally). However, a few days after I had dropped it, I recieved some nasty texts from her; so, presumably, she had been texting the whole time during that 30 days (and I did indeed answer when I couldn’t take it anymore, though to tell you the messages that prompted me to do so would be…distasteful and disturbing). I didn’t truly realize it until you said something, but I have indeed been playing the part of victim, and perhaps for even well over a year now, if not longer (going all the way back to when my ex and I were together). I’m a proud guy, and that’s hard to admit, but I’d say that came from my willingness to forgive/forget, and continuously leaving myself open for more ‘punishment’. At any rate, I finally took the advice I’d been given to heart, and this past weekend I changed my number (on a somewhat ridiculous side-note, the last time I spoke with her two weeks ago she claimed that she was an extra in a certain movie that was shot in Memphis this past summer; I do know that she did indeed go to Memphis this past summer, but researching this movie, I learned that it was filmed in Memphis in 2008, not 2009…I’m sure she heard this film was shot there and thought to tell me to impress (?) me, which is funny yet sad at the same time). It may sound absurd, but this is all true. Once again, thank you for the advice, and most especially thanks for hearing me out.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April!
Well I got more answers over the weekend. He says I’m the only girl he is seeing and there is no one else. I said I am not looking to be someones “part time friend with benefits”. He says thats not how it is but wants to take things slow. He says he thinks things are going good and he wants to go slow. I know he has been jaded in the past because he has had some rough relationships. In his last relationship his ex wanted to get a place together and he wouldn’t do that. I am not sure if that means he wasn’t ready for that with her or if he is just scared to live with a female (he still talks to this one though). He was married about 10 yrs ago for less than a year so I’m not sure if he has a bad taste in his mouth with relationships over the last few he has had. He has been single for a little over a year. We met a year ago so its not like he is some new guy I just met. I guess my question to you is do I continue with things the way they are and go slow? But give myself a time frame to have a talk about all of this again? I don’t want to scare him away because I am falling for him more and more everyday. My other question is do I continue letting him reach out to me by texting and calls? or do I text or call sometimes? I feel like if I don’t call he is wondering what I am doing and eventually will call or text (just because I think men love the chase). He is a great guy I just think he might be scared of commitment due to past situations. Is it bad he still speaks to his ex through email here and there? There was another girl who he had text back and forth with but said he has never hung out with her. He said he hasn’t spoken to her in a few weeks and promises he is not going to hang out with her. I guess I feel like I should trust him if I want things to move forward. He is older (mid-30’s) so in my mind you think he would be ready for the next step in life but maybe I am wrong. Its just hard when you have someone who enjoys your company but don’t really know if this is something they want or if this is just fun for the moment. I’m great with advice to friends on relationships but when it comes to my own relationships its hard! 🙄
Thanks for the help April!
Sincerely,
Dazed and Confused

[Anonymous]

Hi April..

thanks for your help! Things are working out fine between my boyfriend and I. Your suggestion worked out well! We just continued to engage in a playful banter and now we are back to the loving stage that we used to be..Thank you so much for the advices! =)

[Anonymous]

I am going through a similar situation so I can relate. I’m sorry April but I do believe you were extremely harsh on your reply but I do not believe that was your intention, that reason alone is why I am typing this reply. You are only 19 years old, practically still a baby yourself, and you did not have nine months to prepare for a child so the whole idea of being a part time mom is quite shocking and a lot to bear not to mention something you know nothing about, but why would you? This does not mean you are a bad person or that you are not mother material in the future. I do feel that maybe it is not the best idea to continue to date this man because you will never feel completed fulfilled by this relationship. Maybe you need a fresh start with a man without baggage and you two can start a life and a family together. At your age you should not settle on something this important and the child should not be around someone who feels the way you do at the same time. I hope this helped a little.

[Anonymous]

I guess what I want is to control all of this! I know that he doesn’t love me like he loves her, but keeping a family together is more important than love. I threaten him constantly about what a divorce will do to our children and Im pretty sure that is why he stays. I have told his parents and his family everything and they all side with me that he will permanently damage our children if he leaves.

Our attorney is our family, business, everything attorney. So he would handle all legal issues for us. When my husband started talking about divorce, he wanted us to do it peacefully and just use the same attorney. He backed off of that because of his family.

I just want him to love me again. He has been so depressed and despondant since she filed against him and it makes me so angry and crazy that he cares about her. He belongs to me – NOT HER! She is a monster who has destroyed us!

[Member]

Posts