[Anonymous]

Thanks April for your answer. That does help a lot. Knowing I’m not a complete retard in having difficulties communicating. My partner does pick up on these feelings and it’s what makes her irritated by me. I’ve become somewhat of a bore to her I suppose. But it is a big one for me, especially since I feel responsible for my family and I want to be a good provider.
Unfortunately there’s no sex. Our sex life stopped when she got pregnant and it’s been a real problem for me. I cannot seem to get closer and I still have an animal attraction to her. It has made me insecure and has somewhat become an issue for me in a sense that I’m not sure on how to approach it. I do understand her feelings of not feeling happy with her own body right now and all, but it’s still hard.
But you’re right, I do need a brake.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the response April, i think you are absolutely right.

I’ve never had to chase a girl before, so this should be interesting. I guess i don’t chase because im not sure what the boundaries are? How much is too much chasing? How much space do i need to give her?

[Anonymous]

Hi Sally,

Thanks for your advice, I’m not sure if I am strong enough to stop looking in his emails but I need to try for my own sake. I feel so guilty when I do it, but the thought that he is tricking me somehow wins along with my insecurities.

He has been so up and down with me, I know the best thing is to do as you said – he really needs to prove to me he can be trusted and I need to prove to myself that I can be as well by stopping gonig in his emails. it shows no respect for him or myself (though i know i have very little respect for myself at the moment!)

I know I love him and I hope he can show me the committment i want, but I need to not settle for less anymore and be happy by myself first.

Thanks
Gx

[Anonymous]

We’ve talked about being long term and she just moved and had me pick out stuff for her apartment, the sex has been amazing and she hangs all over me when i do see her. Nothing happened, that i know of, last week that would have changed things.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day I think the decision lies with you of whether or not you want back with him!!.

I know u say that if you do then you will stop checking his email account but will you?? If you get suspicious about him again I think you will prob check again which comes down to trust and it’s obvious that you dont trust him and I dont think its going to go anywhere if you dont trust him. I def wouldn’t recommend telling him that you have been checking his email account cause he could end up telling everyone you were stalking him.

If I was you I think I would tell him that you dont feel you can trust him and for that reason you cant get back with him and if there is something worth fighting for make him come back to you.

This is just my opinion and I am sure people will have other opinions on it!

[Anonymous]

thanks for the response. See the problem, or two is that If it were not for my kids i wouldn’t be married to her. There is really nothing there anymore. It breaks my heart. I wish that i still loved her, that there was some spark but there isn’t, just parenting. And 2, the friend is more like my best friend, so just moving on and away from her is very difficult. I try to be understanding, i mean…i realize what the situation is, and i don’t want her to be lonely. It’s just a really crappy situation that really doesn’t have a resolution. not for me anyway. I just sit at home, lonely and thinking about her, While she is living her life. I can’t keep going by when i get a chance and holding her, watching TV or talking and think about the fact that a couple days later someone is there “courting” her and doing the same thing. i know i dug my own grave on this but it doesn’t make it any easier.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. You both left left relationships to be with each other? He had a kid with his ex but didnt want anything to do with it. You were ok with being with someone that didnt want to see his kid? Then he’s deceptive and goes behind your back to see him. Im sure he didnt spend any time with the ex during those little meetings with junior either. Then he abandons you and leaves, comes back and wants to pick up but only on his terms. Oh yeah, and you are willing to screw over your current beu who actually treats you with respect. You want my advice? I think you should jump in head first. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me. I dont see any reason why things wont work out wonderfully for you. Throw caution to the wind and go for it.
I could name a 100 things why this guy is bad news and what hes up to but you wont listen. I get the exciting umpredictable guy. There are plenty out there that arent abusive jerks. You have to look in the mirror and quit being a dormat. You “need” a relationship? No you dont, you need counseling. You need to like yourself to the point you dont need someone. Your only 31. Get a grip. You will go back with this guy. Please give us an update in 6 months so we can see how you and Mr Wonderful are doing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advise. I needed to hear it even thought I don’t want to cuz I still see him as this “Great Guy” that he obviously isn’t because your right he hasn’t called and i’m sure he could have if he really wanted to. I guess I’ll finally get a little closure when he doesn’t come back this month like his last text he sent said. I think the not knowing whats going on is what is driving me crazy.. AND if he comes back I wouldn’t even know how to approach or speak to him about all this without screaming and crying OR if I should even speak to him? Any suggestions with that?

[Anonymous]

It’s really hard to give an answer to you…. I guess you have to figure out how much those things matter to you. I know I shift back and forth about a 100 times in one day over whether I should get back with my ex. I think we would have a wonderful life, but I wonder if the stress from my family and my issues with him having a son, will be too much for me in the end. A friend told me once, so what? You should still go for it and experience the love. Then there are other friends who say, well there’s more than just one person out there for you. I think it’s really a personal decision. Does it bother you that he’s less than great looking or does it bother you what other people think? I think true love is rare and so to let someone go and risk finding that again scares me. But if you think you can find someone better or more loving or more of a fit for you, then maybe you guys can take a break.

[Anonymous]

Hey..thank u so much for the reply. We have tried calling it off a couple of times but we always happen to get back together at the end. Also, I really love him and care for him and he too completely adores me. And as far as sexual attraction goes, we have a pretty good sex life. What I can’t help wondering is that will I be able to spend my life with someone whom I think as not-so good looking and not-so intelligent. Are these attributes secondary to the genuine love we have for each other? Or will these always be an issue in the future. I really wanna make this work. Please help!

[Anonymous]

Thank you, I believe you are right. I wanted to try and work thru it slowly and identify our major problems and see if we could work them with or with out help and hopefully get to a spot where we could live together as a couple. But with our past and her reluctance right now the odds are definitely against us. It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear but it is what I am going to do. I’m hurt and sad about it all but the chance of more hurt for one or both of us is too big. Thanks again

[Anonymous]

I am in the identical situation. I was dating a guy and realized I really loved him but at times felt paranoid about what other people thought of him and us together. He is black and has a son and I wondered what people would think of me being with him. He makes less than I do and lives in a not so great area. I felt at times like people looked down at me for being with him. It didn’t help that my family was violently against us being together. It might’ve also been my own prejudices too. I still really love him and cry most nights over my decision. I know that he was and is a wonderful human being who truly cares for me. We are still friends and I still consider him the one man I love in this world. He is a wonderful father. What do you think my problem is?

[Anonymous]

As a fellow advice columnist, I suggest you move on. You can be best friends with someone and not be sexually attracted and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re yearning for someone you respect and right now your boyfriend just doesn’t fit the bill. Will he be more respectable at some point down the line? Who knows, but you can’t go into a relationship expecting something so big out of a person. It’s not fair to him and will eventually leave you feeling exhausted or resentful. Moreover, being embarrassed about introducing him to others isn’t fair to him. He deserves someone proud to be with him, and you deserve someone you’re proud to be with.

Ask your mom to butt out and give you a little time to think. Ask yourself some hard questions and do what you know is right, even if it’s a hard decision to make.

Hope this helps.

Edahn

[Anonymous]

I should elaborate more on our on again off again relationship. When we are apart and the longer we are apart we get along great and even have more sex . When we are living together things slowly go downhill. She becomes bitchy , bitter, and resentful for past and present things. I withdraw and become pissy and not too loving and not pleasant to be around. She says after we’ve been apart one or the other comes back into the picture when the other has things going well and the pattern starts again. We’ve had some bad things happen during our time together. She had thyroid cancer which to her I was not very supportive. Looking back at it , it’s true. That was my first dealing with cancer at such a close person. I didn’t know how to act so I was pretty much a dummy not doing much of anything and not showing support while really be scared to death. We have 2 girls and they were both raped by my older son from first marriage and we didn’t find out for years afterwards. She had a mid life crisis affair and lived with the guy , which led to a divorce. So we have had some challenges. And while she was with the other guy and did have a couple of girlfriends too. Through-out it all we were friends about 95% of the time. I’m not too good at knowing the right thing to do. I pretty much did the wrong things when things were falling apart so I don’t trust my judgemnet. In this case , part of me wants to run away which is what I typically do and part wants to hang around and try to win her back and hope we can fix what’s wrong and break the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are right- I’ve always known I have a problem with pride and allowing someone to be right when I feel they are wrong is a lofty challenge for me, but I never would have thought it would be the true catalyst to all the anger I end up feeling at my husband. Thank you so much for showing me that. It will be a lesson in humility, no doubt, but it’s something I clearly have to get a handle on. Never would have thought the answer to my problem was cutting back my pride all along.. thank you, thank you, thank you, and a thousand more thank you’s.

[Member]

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