[Anonymous]

tsktsk. maybe this is the reason why i never liked friendster or facebook! but nothing is proven yet anyway — somehow we are in a bit alike situation — My BF and I don’t live together but we see everyday — if your read my posts , fyi please. i know there will always come a time when you will be needing the space from each other — its a “down time” for your relationship i guess — if you want to save it , you would do everything you could — problem is your man does not seem to be in line with that FOR NOW, he is even the one seeking the space?!? — it take two to tango, right?

[Anonymous]

wow april, i really appreciate you taking this dilemma of mine point by point! thank you so much

there is just so much truth in what you said and i guess i was just looking in one way and not at all sides…you know what i mean? i was so wrapped up in trying to understand him and what is going on with him — when if he himself cannot figure that out yet then how can another apart from himself do? anyways, somehow i learned to lift the burden off my shoulders. at least trying to analyze the things you said got my mind off the possibility him fooling around (which i really hope not).

we had a drinking spree this weekend — just the two of us (as always) — there really isn’t just too many pleasant people to bond here with in our neighborhood — and it was like the old times — i forgot to mention that we were just friends before it became us. We are still the best of friends though — and our weekend unwinding was OK. Just being in a light mood and having fun — he was really bubbly, and seeing him that way really made me smile. That was the fun part. The sad part — i guess him being tipsy just made him kinda loosen up more to me, i was not his GF at that time, i was a buddy. He was able to get some things off his chest and just spill it out. He said he did not think his life had a direction— well being the buddy i was, i just let him talk, nodded here and there and made him really feel somebody is listening. Well i was listening. And i tried very hard not to show the GF expression and i suppressed the GF reactions. I wanted to know what is up with him at the moment and if he is coping with the depression. But now i am writing this because there is nobody else i can tell how saddening it was to hear that —- even knowing that he is in the middle of a war with himself — just hearing THAT just made me feel invisible in his life, past or future — and it left me plain sad. =( I know he had to deal with himself and sort things by himself especially that his dilemma is his own — nobody else in the picture– I know that. I guess there really is always in one point of our lives that we encounter this stage.

I just feel the need to get the sadness off my chest too after hearing that. That night — i just felt like I would like to burrow in my own depression too which i was holding and fighting off all this time. Other than that — i’m ok. I just would like to keep in mind one of your points where I just have to treat everyday beautifully and that somehow, when he sees that — he would want it too, again. I remember, what really striked him in my person was the optimistic, kindhearted me. I guess i lost that in time too — and i have to work bringing that back in me. Not only for him to see that — but i know its for me to be.

I guess there are just puzzles in each of us at one point or another. I just hate how it can be so tricky sometimes.

Thanks again anyways! And, ow. Since i want to keep you posted — its 4 weeks straight no sex now.

ciao!

[Anonymous]

Is it true that he only wants sex? We still talk everyday and he doesn’t even try to have sex with me. He actually refused to come over my house because he doesn’t want it to happen. He is still talking and chatting and wants to take me out. This is why I am confused. He did like the sex he admits that but he said he wants to steer away from that. He also said that he thought about what I said after we broke up that he didn’t take the time to get to know me in the relationship. Now he actually seems like he is really trying to and doesn’t try to have sex with me at all. Actually, I have to admit that when we did have sex it was all my fault. I had too much to drink and was all over him. He was really pushing me off and saying he thought it was a bad idea but in my haze of alcohol bliss I kept kissing on him and he eventually gave in, this is why I think he still likes me. He actually told me that he does but he doesn’t know when he will marry and he fears that it isn’t fair to me to continue even thought he still wants to be with me. He said he has had considered doing things for me that he hasn’t for any other woman. So this is why I don’t think its all about the sex.

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

thanks for the harsh but honest advice. I appreciate everything that you have said. But it has been hard to let go of my dreams of having a family and living happily ever after, plus i do deep down love him. Not sure why of course!!
She has been trouble from the start, trust me she has done a lot of hurtful things and he has let her.

[Anonymous]

Thank you both for your replies!!!! I absolutely agree with both of you! I think you both have given me some great advice and I will certainly follow what you have said — now I feel a lot better going into our talk. I have, obviously, thought about this a lot – searched the internet for tips and articles about meeting with an ex. All of those articles suggest game-play. I don’t play games, I am too old for games, and I think that being honest is the way to go. I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point and playing games only makes things more convoluted in the end. I plan on meeting him on Friday. I will let him talk and say what he has to say and I will support him and give him his space. Thank you again for your replies!

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above. I wud meet him. He obviously cares about you when he wants to meet you. I have kinda been in the same situation before and it does help to meet them but my advise would be to let him speak first and hear what he has to say because as you said you told him a couple of times that you loved him and then when you sent him the card and didnt say it – he was the one who wants to meet. He may feel that you were coming on strong so I wud back off and he’s soon realise what he is missing but give him the space and let him do the running. That is jst my opinion and I wud say there is loads of people who would disagree but gud luck

[Anonymous]

perhaps before making that decision you need to sit her down and sternly tell her you are thinking about going… and will go if she does not make some drastic changes. Demand to know what else has been going on in her life and if there is more to it. That way you are putting her fate in her own hands so to speak. Unless of course you do not love her anymore, and if she doesn’t love you or want to be with you i think she will see this talk as her ticket to freedom, and if thats the case you are better off alone 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you very much for your help, April. I didn’t think of that at all, but the more I do, the more I think it will probably make a difference. Thank you SO much!

[Anonymous]

Oh I already have a pretty tight schedule because I have to juggle studies (currently in university), extra curricular activities (i’m singing in an a cappella group) and giving tuition to younger kids. But somehow I still find myself missing him a lot despite being so busy! Sometimes I really wonder if there’s something wrong with me but April, I totally agree with what you wrote, the only fault is i love him so much that i wish i can have more of him, that’s so true! you have no idea how happy,how blissful I feel just having him around. When we’re together, we can talk for hours without even realizing how late it already was! But now i do hope I can love him less so i won’t feel so guilty of loving him too much.

[Anonymous]

I think its time for you to move on. i’m sure that he has, get over it!

[Anonymous]

I suppose this correction doesn’t matter. But firstly, he met this woman long before me, in India. So no it was not on the internet. And secondly, I did not yell at him after he said he didn’t want a romance for now. I said “thanks for finally letting me know” I was quite calm and fine. I yelled at him after he bought me a painting and took me to collect it and then after dinner accused me of being unkind. I yelled at him and said ” if you don’t like me than don’t take me out and buy me a painting, leave me alone”.

And why do we put energy into men that are not ready, now to give us a committed relationship. Because despite our seeming stupidity life is complicated and messy. Things cannot always be boiled down to the basics. I really like you April I do. But our culture is rife with books that say “there is one path to romance” that he will act thus and do thus and if not he’s not that into you. Seems this is for the 1% of men that are ready for a commitment right now. And that suggests we are all bucking for marriage. By the way I am not. I want to spend some time with a man, one on one, and see. Really I don’t have an agenda to marry. For God sake I am over child bearing age and want to share some quality romance with someone be it a month or more. So this guy was asking me out, buying me things, and when we had a nice time would provoke me and pull back.

By the time I asked “do you want a romance” it was a matter of figuring out what the hell he was up to. Now that he declared not now. Then I have stayed away. He finally spelled it out. Sorry but he was confusing and I wanted clarity. Not every conversation is the “Where is this going” like we are all dumb girls bucking for a guy’s heart.

[Anonymous]

Just an FYI, if you insert correct grammar and punctuation in your posts, you’re more likely to get a response. Just saying, look into it. But good that you’re looking for help, I was given no choice because I was blindsided by my girlfriends dumping of me. I’ve been the nice guy described in the article for the 18 months we were together, and she dumped me to chase after a guy that’ll treat her like dirt. I didn’t understand it, and quite frankly that’s bull. But I hope your situation works out for you, I know I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your advice! You’re absolutely right, and I guess I have known what to do, I just hate having to do it.

I feel really guilty because he has cancer and he doesn’t have any family left, only some friends out of state, and he’s been sick from the medication he’s on. I do care about him, but not like I think I should. I would like to see what’s out there… and you’re right, I don’t want to just jump into another serious relationship right now as I’m enjoying being single and having the ability to flirt and look for potential dates.

I agree that it’s probably going to be a complete disaster if I let it continue, so I will have to end it asap. It’s making me feel very uncomfortable and guilty, I just can’t stand it anymore.

Thank you, you have really shed light on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Thanks For your reply April. I won’t get in touch with him again. Isn’t it weird how guys change so much from whe n you first meet them to a week later not being interested!

[Anonymous]

Thanks April for all of the advice!

[Member]

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