[Ethan Morales]

This break seems to be more of a pattern than a healthy pause. From what you described:

Repeated starts and stops: You had strong chemistry, but he pulled away multiple times first after four months, then again after restarting. Each time, the reason is stress, pressure, or being overwhelmed. While life stress can affect relationships, the consistency here is that he isn’t choosing to prioritize you or the relationship.

Lack of commitment: Masini’s point is spot-on: after several months of dating, a person usually either commits or moves on. This guy hasn’t shown the desire to build something stable with you. The fact that you agreed to “start from the beginning” if you get back together is telling it’s almost like he’s asking for another trial period without real guarantees.

Emotional impact on you: You like him, and the chemistry is there, but you’re repeatedly left unsure and frustrated. A break can be healthy if it gives someone space to grow or reflect, but here it seems to be a way for him to avoid committing.

This break is not likely to fix the core problem. he’s not demonstrating that he’s ready or willing to prioritize a serious relationship. Moving on would allow you to find someone who is excited to be with you consistently, without stops and starts. It’s painful, especially because you feel strongly for him, but the pattern suggests this relationship isn’t going to give you the stability or commitment you deserve.

[Ethan Morales]

This is a classic “split attention” situation, where he is trying to have the benefits of two relationships without fully committing to either. He’s chosen a path that works for him living with his long-term girlfriend while having you on the side and he’s clear about how he justifies it (not seeing it as lying, feeling stuck, or managing both relationships). The problem is that this setup is completely unfair to you emotionally, even if he expresses “love.”

He is not choosing either fully right now: Masini is right: if he wanted things to change, he could act on it. He’s keeping the situation exactly as it is because it benefits him. He has security (the girlfriend) and excitement/connection (you) without needing to take full responsibility or risk emotional loss.

You’re in a position of compromise and uncertainty: Being with someone who is divided in this way creates constant stress, anxiety, and second-guessing. His behavior is not about your worth or your love, it’s about his unwillingness to choose.

Masini points out the important question: why are you staying in this situation? You’re not “wrong” for being in love, but staying in a half-relationship means you’re accepting less than you deserve. He is unlikely to change; trying to “win him over” or help him overcome his indecision is a losing game.

You have to ask yourself if you want a man who chooses you fully, or if you’re willing to continue being one of two women in a complicated, emotionally draining situation. Masini’s advice to “shine the spotlight on yourself” is crucial seek a relationship where you are the priority, not the side option.

This isn’t about who he loves more. it’s about who he prioritizes. He is unlikely to fully commit to you while he maintains the status quo. If you want a healthy, secure, and loving relationship, the choice is to step back and focus on yourself and a partner who wants only you.

[Ethan Morales]

This is a highly complex and emotionally charged situation, and it’s understandable why your boyfriend is conflicted. Masini’s response is very solid because it zeroes in on what you can control your life, your choices, and your behavior rather than trying to force him to forgive you or get back together.

He feels burned and conflicted: He’s hurt by your past involvement with your ex (including cheating and shared history with the father of your children). Even though he still cares about you, he struggles with trust and holding grudges. This isn’t about whether he still loves you it’s about whether he can fully forgive and trust again.

You need to stabilize your life as a single mother: By showing independence, responsibility, and stability for yourself and your kids, you demonstrate that you’re serious about your current relationship and that your life is not dependent on him. This creates space for him to consider re-engaging with you without fear of repeated patterns or chaos from the past.

Closure with your ex is essential: Even though your ex is the father of your children and must remain in your life, any lingering romantic or emotional attachment could sabotage your chances. You need to process that past relationship fully so that he sees you as someone who has moved forward and can commit fully to him.

Your actions matter more than words: Forgiveness is built slowly, especially with someone who holds grudges. Showing consistency, transparency, and responsibility in your daily life is the only way to slowly rebuild trust. Any attempt to “force” him back now or to constantly plead for reconciliation could backfire.

Right now, the best path forward isn’t to try to convince him verbally that he should forgive you. It’s to live a life that demonstrates you’re committed, trustworthy, and independent, while giving him the time and emotional space to see that with his own eyes. Over time, if he’s willing, he may come back but that decision is entirely his. You can only control how you present yourself and how you manage your life and children.

[Ethan Morales]

What April Masini highlighted is really accurate. The heart of the issue isn’t just the text you sent; it’s about commitment and security in the relationship. Your partner’s reaction viewing a seven-word response as a “betrayal” is amplified because she’s been waiting for a clear signal from you that you’re fully committed. Given that you’ve been in an on-and-off affair for three years, she’s understandably exhausted by ambiguity and uncertainty.

Trust and perception: Even though you had no feelings for the other girl, your partner is looking at the bigger picture: the history of secrecy, ups and downs, and unclear boundaries. Her reaction isn’t just about that one text; it’s about the pattern she perceives. Commitment is the core issue: She’s likely craving a clear, solid commitment. Without it, she interprets small incidents as proof that you’re not serious or that she can’t trust you.

Your position: You still love her and want to maintain the relationship, but there’s a disconnect between your actions (or perception of them) and what she needs emotionally. She isn’t reacting to the literal act of replying to a text; she’s reacting to the absence of assurance.

Crossroads moment: Masini’s framing is spot-on: either you give her a clear signal of commitment (which could mean a formal commitment, proposal, or at minimum a firm decision about your future together), or you accept that she may walk away to find someone who can provide that stability.

My opinion: You’re dealing with emotional overload and misalignment. She’s highly sensitive to anything that signals ambiguity, while you see it as a minor incident. Fixing this isn’t about justifying the text it’s about showing her through consistent, unmistakable action that she has your commitment. Without that, she will continue to see even small actions as betrayals.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re experiencing a classic “maybe” situation he shows interest in words but not in action. Words like “I want a relationship” or “let’s see each other again” are meaningless if he never actually commits to making concrete plans. His behavior emailing a few times a week without firm dates suggests he’s keeping you on the hook for attention and banter, not because he genuinely wants a relationship with you.

Your instincts are correct: continuing to invest emotionally in him is keeping you from meeting someone who actually prioritizes you. Chemistry is exciting, but it’s not enough on its own. Real connection requires action, not just conversation.

He’s not showing real interest. Your enjoyment of his banter is understandable, but it’s keeping you stuck in a fantasy rather than reality. Moving on emotionally and physically, even while still polite or friendly, is the healthiest choice. Trust your mind here it’s seeing the situation clearly, and your heart will adjust once you stop hanging on to “what could be.”

[Ethan Morales]

I can see how much thought, care, and emotion you’ve put into understanding her and your connection. You’re clearly emotionally intelligent and sensitive, which is a huge strength here, but it also means you’re feeling a lot of pain from this uncertainty. Let’s unpack this carefully.

She’s still healing from her ex. She’s explicitly said she thinks about him daily and doesn’t feel ready for a new relationship. That’s a big deal. Emotional unavailability isn’t about you personally; it’s about her being in a place where she cannot fully invest in someone else.

She values your friendship and closeness. She clearly trusts you and enjoys your company. she calls, texts, cooks for you, and shares her life. That’s why you’re still in frequent contact and why she’s letting you do some things a romantic partner might do. But all of that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants a romantic relationship right now. Friendship can feel very intimate, especially when she’s lonely or hasn’t moved on emotionally from her ex.

You’re picking up subtle cues eye contact, slight physical touches, verbal affirmations that suggest she likes you. And yes, she probably does care about you. But caring doesn’t equal readiness for romance. She’s in a state of internal conflict: part of her enjoys your attention and intimacy, part of her knows she’s not ready. That’s why she says she’s emotionally unavailable but still engages in affectionate behavior. She may never “come around” until she’s fully over her ex. You can’t control her timeline. Waiting indefinitely could be emotionally painful for you. Right now, she’s giving you signals that are confusing because she’s torn between wanting connection and needing emotional space.

You’re in “friend zone limbo.” This is the most dangerous place for your heart if you want a relationship. You care deeply, she values you, but the romantic component is blocked. This is emotionally draining and can lead to frustration, jealousy, or resentment if you stay too long hoping she will change. Your desire to “make a move” is natural, but risky. Trying to kiss her, take her on a date, or escalate physical intimacy may push her away because she’s not emotionally ready. Even if she does respond positively in the moment, it could reinforce a pattern of temporary closeness without long-term commitment, which could hurt you more.

Step back a little, but don’t abandon her completely. Give her space to process her feelings about her ex. This doesn’t mean cutting her off just reduce the intensity of your pursuit so you don’t over-invest emotionally. Set boundaries for yourself. Decide how much emotional closeness you can handle without it hurting you. If cuddling, hand-holding, or frequent texting is painful because it keeps hope alive, consider limiting those interactions. Focus on building your own life. Pursue hobbies, friends, or activities outside of her. This makes you less emotionally dependent on her and gives her a chance to miss your presence naturally.

Let her lead if she chooses romance later. If she ever resolves her feelings about her ex and shows clear, unambiguous romantic interest, you’ll be in a position to decide whether to reciprocate. Until then, don’t try to force a romantic outcome it won’t work and could damage the friendship you have. Clarify your own heart. Ask yourself: are you happy being “just her best friend” for now, knowing it might never become romantic? Or do you need to step back entirely to protect your emotional well-being? This is the most important decision for you right now.

She’s giving signals that she likes you in some ways, but she is emotionally unavailable. Right now, the best thing you can do is protect your heart, keep the friendship at a healthy level, and let her sort out her feelings about her past. Trying to force romance (kissing, dates, escalating intimacy) risks heartbreak and may push her further away.

[Ethan Morales]

You can feel the heartbreak and desperation in this story. Six years is a long time to love someone, and when a relationship ends after that much time, it can trigger panic the sense that you can’t lose them, that you have to do something. But what April Masini points out (and I agree with completely) is that those panic-driven actions showing up uninvited, knocking for long stretches, following him end up pushing him even further away because they make him feel trapped instead of missed.

Here’s the deeper truth: your heart is reacting to loss, not logic. When we lose a person we love, we often start doing things to feel close again but those things don’t rebuild connection, they erode trust. He said your actions were “too much,” and that’s probably true for him right now. But that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love it means he needs proof that you can respect his boundaries.

April’s advice about showing him not telling him through your actions is spot on. The only “big gesture” that will reach him now is stillness: no pop-ups, no chasing, no messages through others. If he ever reopens that door, it’ll be because he feels safe again.

If you can go several months ideally six or more without breaking that silence, he might begin to think of you differently: “She really did change.” But even if he doesn’t, this time apart will help you regain your sense of balance and emotional control which will make you stronger and more confident in any future relationship, whether with him or someone new.

Don’t try to “get him back” right now. Try to get yourself back. The version of you that loved deeply and freely before the panic she’s still in there. She just needs peace and space to return.

[Ethan Morales]

What happened to you sounds less like a failure on your part and more about the woman you were with. From what you described, she was insensitive and critical, which can be incredibly discouraging, especially during a first sexual experience. At 18, it’s normal to feel nervous and unsure, and it’s completely unfair for someone to make you feel “rotten” about something that’s a natural learning process.

April Masini’s advice is spot on: don’t let this one experience define your view of sex or your confidence with women. Everyone has awkward moments at first, and the key is to learn and grow from them, ideally with partners who are understanding, patient, and supportive not critical or dismissive.

A few important points: This isn’t a reflection of your ability: You’re new at this, so nerves, mistakes, or uncertainty are normal. The partner matters: Being with someone kind, empathetic, and communicative is far more important than the mechanics of sex. Take your time: It’s okay to pause and process your feelings before jumping into another sexual encounter. You’re allowed to feel hurt and need space to regain confidence. Focus on connection over performance: Learning to communicate and enjoy intimacy is more important than “getting it right” the first time.

This was a bad experience, not a reflection of you, and you shouldn’t avoid sexual relationships forever just be more selective and patient. Confidence comes from experience, but also from being with partners who lift you up rather than tear you down.

[Ethan Morales]

Everything you described points strongly to mutual interest. She’s actively seeking out ways to spend time with you, giving you her number, messaging you, and making an effort to bring you things these are classic signs that she likes you and wants your attention. Your feelings of fear and confusion are natural, especially since you’re inexperienced, but it doesn’t mean you’re imagining it.

April Masini’s advice is solid: don’t try to force a “move” out of context instead, create a clear, intentional romantic opportunity. Ask her out on a proper date something fun and relaxed that’s not tutoring-related. This moves the connection from casual/friendship territory into romantic territory, and allows you to gauge her feelings more clearly.

A practical approach could be: Pick a simple but thoughtful date idea: coffee, dessert, a short day trip, or even a fun campus event. Frame it personally: “I really enjoy spending time with you and would love to take you out on Saturday, just the two of us.” Be present and attentive: Focus on enjoying the time together and reading her signals. Look for natural moments: A hug or light touch at the right moment can signal your interest before attempting a kiss.

You don’t need to overthink it the goal is to transition from friendship into romance in a gentle, intentional way. The signs she’s giving show she’s receptive; now it’s up to you to confidently take the step forward.

[Ethan Morales]

It sounds like you already have a strong emotional connection with him, and the signs you’re noticing him teasing you, showing care for your wellbeing, and nudging you about confessions do suggest he might have feelings for you. But feelings aren’t always clear-cut, and his actions could also just reflect a close friendship. The tricky part is that you’re both dancing around each other’s emotions. Your fear of risking the friendship is valid, but staying in the “friend zone” won’t get you clarity or a romantic relationship either.

Here’s the thing April Masini’s advice is pointing to: to shift the dynamic, you need to signal romantic interest actively, not just wait for the “right moment.” This doesn’t mean ending the friendship abruptly it means changing how you interact:

Flirtation: Light teasing, compliments about his looks, or playful touches can signal that your interest is more than platonic. Boundaries: Don’t be constantly available like a typical friend create space to make him notice your absence. Direct hints: You can be a little more forward in conversations about attraction or dating in general.

If you do decide to confess directly, it’s okay, but frame it lightly: something like, “I’ve realized I’m not just interested in being friends, and I’d like to see if we could date.” It’s honest without being pressuring. The key is: you’re not guaranteed rejection and even if he doesn’t feel the same way, you’ve at least tested the waters and can adjust your friendship dynamic consciously rather than guessing forever.

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re describing is emotional abuse. Saying “fuck you” repeatedly over years, being demeaning, controlling, and refusing to respect boundaries all while your son is witnessing it is not just “marital frustration.” It’s a pattern of behavior that’s harmful to you and your child. The fact that he rarely apologizes and that you feel trapped shows that this is not a temporary phase; it’s entrenched.

Even though he hasn’t physically hit you (from what you’ve shared), emotional abuse alone is serious and damaging. It erodes your self-esteem, affects your mental health, and teaches your son unhealthy ways to handle conflict. Your approach with him trying to talk things through, asking him to stop, modeling good behavior is healthy, but he’s clearly unwilling or unable to change. That’s not your fault.

Your skills, education, and work history are assets. Even though you’ve been out of the industry for a while, you absolutely can re-enter the workforce or find meaningful opportunities, and you can do it on your terms, without fear of him controlling or belittling you.

Your safety and mental health: Protect yourself from ongoing abuse. Your son’s wellbeing: He’s learning what a “normal” relationship is from this marriage. Emotional abuse can leave long-term scars. Realistic expectations: Counseling can help some couples, but if one partner refuses to respect boundaries or continues abusive behavior, therapy alone cannot fix it.

You need to strongly consider leaving this marriage. Begin planning for your safety, financial independence, and a support system. You don’t need “permission” or a dramatic event to leave the abuse itself is reason enough.

[Ethan Morales]

your sister’s interpretation about him being “sarcastic” or exaggerating the time is plausible, but I honestly think April is closer to the mark he likely just miswrote “weeks” instead of “days.” Simple human error, especially if he’s busy or distracted. Nothing deeper there necessarily. Now, about 4th Date Eve: the big thing is clarity and logistics. You’re juggling responsibilities at home (elderly mother and teenage daughter), so it’s completely reasonable to want a concrete plan. Not asking doesn’t make you needy it makes you practical.

Shoot him a friendly, straightforward text: “Hey, looking forward to seeing you Saturday! Can you give me a rough idea of the time so I can make arrangements at home?” Keep it light and positive no blame, just planning. If he responds with specifics, you now have space to relax and enjoy the date.

Also, April’s point about using this as an opportunity for positive reinforcement is solid. Once he gives you the info, you can casually say something like: “I really enjoy our time together it’s easier to plan when I know a rough time in advance!” This signals your needs without pressuring him.

Don’t overthink the “weeks vs. days” email. Ask for the date logistics directly. This keeps you in control of your time and communicates that you value both the date and your own responsibilities.

[Ethan Morales]

You’ve experienced two traumas. You didn’t just “lose a pregnancy.” You lost a baby something you and your husband had already begun to love, imagine, and plan your life around. That kind of grief can fracture even the strongest couples, because both partners grieve differently: You may want closeness, comfort, connection. He may withdraw, avoid intimacy, or look for distractions to escape his own pain and guilt. So while nothing excuses his behavior, it helps explain the why behind it: he may be emotionally dissociating rather than deliberately trying to hurt you.

What You Discovered: Serious Breach of Trust Finding dating apps and messages with a sex worker isn’t a “mistake.” It’s a conscious act. He: Hid it. Created secret accounts. Spent time arranging meetings. Those are deliberate, not impulsive, steps meaning this isn’t just grief talking. It’s a bigger signal that he’s coping in destructive ways and emotionally disconnected from you and the marriage. You’re right to feel devastated, blindsided, and confused.

April’s Core Message and Why It’s Smart She’s not excusing him. She’s saying: Before you can even decide what to do about this marriage, you have to understand what’s happening underneath it. And that starts with a hard, calm, honest conversation. But she’s also right to warn you: when you confront him, he will likely deflect by blaming you for snooping. That’s classic defensive behavior from someone who’s been caught.
Your goal isn’t to “win” the argument it’s to stay centered and push gently toward truth.

“I shouldn’t have looked through your phone, and I take responsibility for that. But what I found has broken my trust, and we need to talk about what’s been happening and why.” Let him vent and then calmly steer back to: “I need honesty. Not excuses. What’s going on with you?”

Why You Shouldn’t Try for a Baby Right Now You’re absolutely right you can’t bring a child into chaos. April was correct to tell you to pause on conceiving again until there’s emotional stability and trust. Pregnancy and parenting magnify cracks that already exist. Healing comes first not just for him, but for you.

Here’s what I believe after reading your story carefully: You didn’t deserve this. You’ve shown strength through loss and loyalty through confusion. Your husband is emotionally drowning and making self-destructive choices to avoid pain but you cannot save him at the cost of yourself. There’s still a path forward, but it depends on his willingness to face what he’s done and work on himself (through therapy or counseling). If he admits, apologizes, and agrees to professional help, there’s a chance for healing. If he denies, deflects, or continues you’ll need to protect yourself and rethink what your future looks like.

[Ethan Morales]

This isn’t about porn. If your fiancé were simply watching adult content, that would be a private sexual habit common and usually harmless. But what he’s doing goes way beyond that: Creating a fake persona. Engaging with real people in sexual exchanges. Doing it for hours daily. And continuing after being confronted. That’s not porn. That’s an alternate sexual life he’s cultivating. And that means emotional deception whether he’s meeting people physically or not.

The Red Flags April Points Out Are Serious He’s not just consuming he’s performing. That’s a key distinction. Pretending to be a woman and maintaining active sexting relationships suggests an identity exploration or even a hidden need for validation and control that he hasn’t been honest about. He’s investing serious time and energy.
Hours every day. That’s not a stress reliever; that’s an obsession or emotional coping mechanism.

He’s hiding it and defending it. You didn’t discover this through open communication you stumbled upon it. The secrecy itself is a breach of trust. When you confronted him, instead of showing remorse, he rationalized. That’s deflection, not accountability. As April noted, this isn’t about age itself, but about power and experience imbalance.
You’re still learning what you want in long-term partnership; he’s already well into adulthood and should be past secretive, experimental behaviors that damage trust.

Ask yourself honestly: Are you comfortable marrying someone who keeps a secret sexual identity? Can you ever fully relax knowing he may be maintaining these online personas behind your back? Are your values on fidelity, honesty, and emotional intimacy compatible with his? You deserve a partner whose sexual exploration doesn’t come at the cost of your emotional safety. This isn’t just about “being pansexual” it’s about being honest with the person you’re committing your life to.

You’re not wrong for feeling disturbed. You’re right to feel uneasy this situation crosses emotional and ethical boundaries in a committed relationship. If I were in your shoes, I’d pause the wedding plans completely.
Tell him: “If you’re still figuring yourself out, I support your right to explore that but not while I’m being misled. I can’t build a marriage on confusion and secrecy.” Give yourself time to step back and breathe. You need space to see things clearly without pressure or guilt.

[Ethan Morales]

He lied. Repeatedly. He deceived you while building a double life not just casual dishonesty, but a fundamental betrayal. He didn’t just lie to you about being married; he also manipulated your emotional vulnerability (knowing about your mom’s dementia and your health struggles) to protect himself from accountability. That’s not love. That’s cowardice disguised as compassion.

You said he later called saying he “misses you and married the wrong woman.” That’s not love either that’s guilt mixed with ego. People who truly love don’t lie, cheat, and then try to pull you back into their mess when they feel regret or loneliness. What he’s doing is keeping you emotionally tethered so he doesn’t have to face the full consequences of his choices. He’s not trying to fix things; he’s trying to soothe his guilt.

If someone can marry another person while being in a relationship with you, you have to accept that their moral compass isn’t aligned with integrity. Even if he “married the wrong woman,” he still chose to do it. And if he could betray both you and her once, he’ll do it again to you or someone else. That’s who he is. Not who you wish he was.

You don’t need to forgive him right now but you do need to detach. You’ve already shown enormous strength enduring your mom’s illness and your health challenges. Channel that same strength into reclaiming your peace.

A few steps to truly move on: Block all contact. No calls, no messages, no social stalking. Tell your story to someone safe a friend, therapist, or support group. Putting it into words releases the poison. Start redefining “trust.” Not everyone lies. There are men who can handle hard times without deception. Take your time before dating again. But when you do, remember: love isn’t built on drama or secrets it’s built on truth and consistency.

[Member]

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