[Sally]

What you’re feeling isn’t really about her as she is now. It’s about who you were when life was wide open, when choices felt big and unfinished. She represents a chapter that never got closure. Of course that stirs something, especially when your current life feels heavy, lonely, and defined by duty instead of desire.
But notice this part the pain you felt when she asked you to find Ed. That old dynamic showed up fast. You were back in the same role without even trying. That’s not random. That’s history repeating itself.

You’re not wrong for feeling this. You’re human. But feelings don’t always mean direction. Sometimes they’re just signals pointing to what’s missing in your life now connection, being seen, feeling wanted not necessarily who should provide it.
You’re honoring your vows, and that matters to you. I think running toward clarity instead of toward her is the safer move. Sit with what this is waking up in you before you change anything real

[Sally]

What you’re describing doesn’t sound like something is wrong with him. It sounds like something is protected. And yeah, it could be virginity. It could also be fear, shame, inexperience, or just not knowing how to cross that line without feeling exposed.

The part that matters most isn’t the sex. It’s that he stops and says you’ll understand eventually. That tells me he wants to tell you, he’s just not there yet. And the fact that he’s affectionate, present, consistent, and emotionally open says this isn’t about using you or playing games.

You don’t need to push, and you don’t need to guess out loud. Keep doing what you’re doing warmth, reassurance, no pressure. But it’s okay to say, gently, that intimacy matters to you and you want to understand him when he’s ready.
If he’s your dream man, this isn’t a dealbreaker yet. It’s just a pause. And pauses can be okay.

[Sally]

You were clear from the start. You didn’t want to be someone’s safety net. You wanted a partner. Three years in, he still wasn’t meeting you halfway, but somehow found room in his budget for a brand-new car. That would’ve hit me the same way it hit you. It’s not about the money. It’s about priorities and effort.
Love matters, yeah. But love without responsibility turns into resentment. Especially when you’re thinking about kids, travel, and the future. You’re not asking for luxury. You’re asking for balance.

You feel bad because you care and because you’re used to being the strong one. Standing up for yourself can feel mean when you’re not used to it.
But choosing peace and partnership doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.

[Sally]

If someone wants to keep talking to you, they do. Being annoyed doesn’t usually turn into total silence, especially after weeks of daily messages, pictures, and sweetness. Adults don’t disappear when they care they explain, even briefly.

It’s possible he felt uncomfortable being questioned and didn’t want to deal with it. It’s also possible there is something else going on and this gave him an out. Either way, the result is the same: you’re left confused and waiting, and that’s not fair to you.

Try not to replay every sweet message and look for logic there. People can be warm one day and gone the next. That doesn’t mean you imagined it just that he wasn’t as steady as he seemed.
I’d stop reaching out for now. If he comes back with clarity, you can decide then. If he doesn’t, the silence already told you what you needed to know.

[Sally]

This man is still deep in his divorce, even if he’s been physically separated for a while. Emotionally, he’s nowhere near done. The mood swings, the jealousy, the angry texts, the blaming women in general that’s all pain talking, but it’s still being put on you. And that’s not fair. You didn’t cause his marriage to end, and you’re not responsible for absorbing his fallout.
You can care about him and still admit this is more chaos than you signed up for. Right now he doesn’t need a partner, he needs space to sort out his own mess. If you stay, you’ll keep getting pulled into drama that isn’t yours.
Taking a few days is smart. Listen to how calm you feel without him. That usually tells the truth.

[Sally]

Anyone would be confused after that kind of closeness.
What’s hard is that his actions when you were together were warm and intimate, but now his silence is saying something totally different. Both things can exist, and that’s what makes it frustrating. You didn’t do anything wrong by being available or kind. You just showed up as yourself. That’s not a mistake.
Sometimes people like the closeness, the comfort, the attention, but when it starts to feel real or consistent, they pull back. That doesn’t automatically mean he’s a player, but it does mean he’s not being clear or steady.
I’d try not to overanalyze what you did. Focus on what he’s doing now. If he wants to see you, he’ll reach out. If not, that silence is still an answer, even if it’s a disappointing one.

[Sally]

That guilt is there because part of you still knows this situation isn’t clean, no matter how real the feelings are.
What stands out to me is how your discomfort keeps getting minimized. Every time you try to slow things down or do what feels right to you, it turns into you being accused of not loving her enough. That’s not fair. Love shouldn’t require you to shut off your conscience just to prove it’s real.

You’re allowed to want her to choose her marriage ending on her own, without you in the middle of it. That doesn’t make you weak or less in love. It makes you human.
If the guilt hasn’t eased after a year, it probably isn’t going to. That feeling is trying to tell you something. I think you already know that.

[Sally]

Flirting like that isn’t small stuff, especially when the messages make him sound single. Being drunk or high doesn’t really explain it away. It just lowers his filter. What’s already there comes out.
I believe he can love you and still keep doing this. Both things can be true. But loving you doesn’t cancel out the fact that this keeps hurting you. And the tattoo doesn’t change his behavior either. Words and symbols don’t matter much if the same thing keeps happening.
The real question isn’t should you just be friends. It’s how much more of this you can live with without slowly feeling smaller or less secure.
If you already feel worn down at eight months, that feeling usually doesn’t magically go away. It usually gets louder.

[Sally]

That kind of switch can mess with your head, especially when the connection felt good. When sex is great, it’s normal to assume there’s at least some interest after.
The tough part is that sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to both people. Him inviting himself over and then not showing up without explaining is still information, even if it’s quiet and frustrating information.

It doesn’t automatically mean he never wants to see you again. But it does show he’s not being very clear or thoughtful right now.
I wouldn’t assume anything negative about you or the night you shared. If you want, you can send one simple message and see how he responds. Something light. No pressure.
If you don’t hear back, that’s your answer. Not a fun one, but an honest one.

[Sally]

A lie is when you knowingly give false information or intentionally deceive someone. What you’re describing is selective disclosure, not lying. You didn’t invent stories or deny things when asked you shared what you felt was relevant at the time and answered honestly when details came up later.

That said, from your boyfriend’s perspective, it can feel like lying if he believed “everything” meant every detail, no matter how small. So this isn’t really about truth vs. lies it’s about expectations and safety.

You’re allowed to have a past, and you’re allowed to decide what feels meaningful to share. No one is entitled to every detail of your sexual history. The problem only arises if the relationship turns into repeated interrogations where new details feel like surprises rather than context.

The healthiest way forward is to clarify this together: explain that you never meant to hide anything, only that you shared what mattered to you, and you’re being honest when asked. Trust grows when both people understand each other’s boundaries not when one person feels forced to relive their past over and over.

[Sally]

Yes, many couples deal with trust issues, snapping at each other, and periods of unhappiness. But not all couples stay unhappy for a long time. That’s the key difference. Love and care alone don’t fix things if resentment, mistrust, and emotional exhaustion keep growing.

You snapping at him isn’t because you’re a bad person it’s a sign that you’re not okay. And his past lies, even if they weren’t constant, damaged your sense of safety. Once trust cracks, it’s very hard to feel calm or secure again without real repair.

Because this is your only relationship, it’s normal to wonder if this is “just how it is.” It’s not. Relationships still take work, but they shouldn’t leave you feeling low, anxious, and stuck for long periods.
You’re allowed to step back to figure out who you are outside of this. That doesn’t mean you don’t love him it means you’re taking your mental health seriously. Focus on yourself and your child right now. Clarity usually comes after space, not before.

[Sally]

Living together means sharing responsibility, not dividing roles by who’s home more. Yes, you have more flexibility, and it makes sense that you do more around the house but that doesn’t mean you do everything. Free time is still your time, not unpaid labor time.

The real issue isn’t chores, it’s expectations. Right now, he’s treating your availability like an obligation. That will build resentment fast if it doesn’t change.
Instead of asking him to “help,” frame it as fairness. For example: you handle daily cooking and tidying, but he’s responsible for certain set tasks like dishes after dinner, trash, weekend cleaning, or groceries. Even small, consistent contributions matter.

Exhaustion is real, but so is burnout. A relationship works best when both people feel like teammates, not one person carrying the home while the other clocks out.
You’re not asking for a housewife title you’re asking for balance. That’s valid.

[Sally]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling is completely understandable. Watching gay porn alone does not automatically mean your husband is gay, but the real issue here is the secrecy, repeated lies, and lack of emotional and physical closeness. Those are serious concerns in any marriage.
Right now, your trust is shaken, and without trust, you can’t feel safe or happy. Promises alone aren’t enough anymore. You need one honest, calm conversation where you tell him clearly that you need the truth whether he is straight, bisexual, confused, or struggling so you can decide how to move forward.
Do not rush into having a baby until this is resolved. Consider professional counseling, ideally with someone experienced in marriage and sexuality.
You love him, but you cannot sacrifice your peace or live in constant fear. You deserve honesty, clarity, and emotional safety.

[Sally]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Being pregnant at 15 is overwhelming, and it makes sense that everything feels heavier right now. What’s happening with your boyfriend likely isn’t just about the fight. This situation is scary for him too, and instead of talking, he may be shutting down because he doesn’t know how to cope. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

You’ve already shown a lot of maturity by involving your parents and making a plan for adoption. That’s not easy, and it shows strength. His silence hurts, but it’s important not to blame yourself for how he’s reacting.

You can send one calm message letting him know you’re worried and that you’re open to talking when he’s ready. After that, focus on yourself. Lean on your parents, a school counselor, or another trusted adult. Your health and emotional safety matter most right now, and you shouldn’t carry this alone.

[Sally]

You care for her very deeply, but she does not show care in the same way, and that mismatch is what’s hurting you. You’ve been giving her priority, attention, and emotional support for years, hoping she would one day respond the same way. But her main focus is now her husband and daughter, and she seems to see you more as support when she’s struggling, not as someone whose emotional needs she actively considers.

You can’t make her value you more by trying harder. Love and respect can’t be forced or earned through effort alone. If you continue like this, you’ll keep feeling neglected and hurt. That doesn’t mean you must completely end the relationship, but you do need to step back, lower your expectations, and protect your own feelings. A relationship should not leave you feeling invisible. Sometimes caring for someone also means caring enough about yourself to stop over-giving.

[Member]

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