[Sally]

Right now, holding onto hope is keeping you stuck. Not because what you had wasn’t real, but because he’s chosen silence. That’s the part you have to listen to, even when it hurts. Someone who wants to come back doesn’t ignore cards, emails, and time apart. They reach out, even awkwardly.

The chemistry mattered. I believe that. But chemistry alone doesn’t make a relationship safe or steady. This was built in chaos, secrecy, and pain on both sides. Those patterns don’t magically disappear just because the divorce is almost final.

Sending more signals, updates, or messages won’t pull him closer. It’ll just keep reopening the wound. The strongest thing you can do right now is stop trying to convince him and turn your focus back to yourself and finishing this chapter of your life.
If it’s meant to come back, it will do so without chasing. And if it doesn’t, you deserve a love that doesn’t require you to disappear to be missed.

[Sally]

This wasn’t about you being clingy. People don’t go from talking forever and always to breaking up overnight because of a few feelings. That was an excuse. Something shifted in him, and instead of talking it through, he ran.

That doesn’t mean what you shared wasn’t real. It was. But it also means he wasn’t as emotionally steady as he seemed. Someone who’s ready doesn’t leave that fast or that cold.

Right now, the best thing you can do is stop reaching out. Not to punish him. To protect you. Chasing won’t bring him back, and it’ll only make you feel smaller.
You didn’t do anything wrong by caring. You just loved someone who couldn’t stay.

I know you want him back. But for now, focus on getting through the days without reopening the wound. If he comes back, it’ll be because he chooses to. And if he doesn’t, you deserve someone who doesn’t disappear when things get real.

[Sally]

What you’re doing is really common after a marriage ends, especially one that hurt. Your brain is trying to protect you. It’s scanning for danger and jumping the second it sees anything that even reminds it of your ex. That doesn’t mean this new guy is doing anything wrong. It means you’re still carrying the old fear.

The fact that you notice it is huge. That’s not failure, that’s awareness. You’re not trying to ruin this. You’re trying to not get blindsided again.
Here’s the part that matters: when you feel that spike of upset, pause before reacting. Ask yourself, is this him, or is this my past talking. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to slow it down.

And please give yourself some grace. You didn’t stop loving overnight. You won’t stop protecting yourself overnight either. It gets quieter with time, I promise.

[Sally]

A lot of the time it’s not that women don’t like nice guys. It’s that some people confuse nice with safe, predictable, or quiet, and they confuse jerks with confidence or excitement. When someone hasn’t healed their own stuff yet, they chase what feels intense, not what feels steady. That usually blows up later, just like you described.
Being kind, respectful, and caring isn’t the problem. The problem is trying to give that to someone who isn’t ready to receive it. Those people don’t suddenly appreciate it just because it’s offered.
You’re right about focusing on yourself and healthy relationships. The right woman won’t need convincing or roses to see your value. She’ll feel calm with you, not bored. Nice doesn’t lose. It just takes longer to find the right match.

[Sally]

His actions say he likes you. There’s no denying that. People don’t remember details, linger on calls, ask about your family, or light up around someone they feel nothing for. That part is real. You’re not imagining it.

But here’s the part you need to hear. His actions also say he’s staying safely on the edge. He hasn’t crossed a clear line. He hasn’t said what he wants. He hasn’t made a move that costs him anything. Right now, this lives in a warm, emotional gray area where it feels exciting and safe at the same time.

And I want you to be careful with that, because you’re married and unhappy, and when your heart is starving, even crumbs can feel like a feast.
What’s keeping you happy right now isn’t him. It’s the feeling of being seen again. Wanted again. Alive again.

Before you read more into his signals, ask yourself what you need to do about your marriage first. Because if nothing changes there, this situation will quietly break your heart.
Enjoy the connection, but don’t let hope run ahead of reality

[Sally]

He does care about you. Calling every night, explaining himself, reacting strongly to the idea of you moving, staying on the phone for hours people don’t do that casually. You’re important to him. That part is real.

But there’s another part that’s just as real. He’s not choosing you in a clear way. He wants closeness without responsibility. He wants you nearby emotionally, but he doesn’t want to owe you anything or feel dependent on you. That’s why he freaks out when you try to help him. It makes the connection feel too real, too serious, too exposing.

The song someone mentioned isn’t about secret love. It’s about denial. About someone who feels something but isn’t willing or able to step into it.
And this is the part that hurts to hear: waiting without clarity slowly wears you down. It keeps you hopeful and stuck at the same time. You’re not wrong for caring. But you are carrying more of this than he is.

You don’t need to forget him today. Just stop bending your life around what he might offer someday. If he wants more, he’ll have to say it. You can’t love him into readiness.
I know you’re hurting. You’re not imagining things you’re just caught in the middle.

[Sally]

He didn’t stop loving you in a second. What happened is slower and sadder than that. He cared, maybe even deeply, but the relationship turned into something heavy. When one person becomes the emotional and financial support, especially during depression and suicidal moments, it can start to feel less like a partnership and more like pressure. That doesn’t make you bad. It means things got unbalanced.

You’re right about one thing that matters a lot: only you can fix you. He couldn’t do that for you, no matter how much he wanted to. Some people leave not because they don’t care, but because they feel scared, overwhelmed, or powerless.

Right now, please don’t make big moves like relocating just to win him back. Focus on stabilizing yourself first. Get support where you are. Talk to someone regularly. If those dark thoughts come back, please reach out for immediate help — in the U.S. you can call or text 988 any time. You deserve help and safety.
Losing the future you imagined hurts like grief. But this ending doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or broken. It means this chapter couldn’t carry both of you.You don’t need to figure everything out tonight. Just stay. One step at a time.

[Sally]

This guy likes you. The affection, the future talk, the toothbrush, the way he initiates that’s real. But he’s also moving very slowly and very carefully. Older doesn’t always mean clearer. Sometimes it means more guarded. Especially with someone younger, busy, and in a demanding career, he may be enjoying the connection without fully deciding what lane he’s in.

Adult dating isn’t as obvious as people make it sound. A lot of adults avoid labels until someone asks. So no, you’re not supposed to magically know.
What matters is that you’re starting to want clarity. That’s your signal. You don’t need to confront him or make it heavy. Just say something simple, like you’re enjoying this and starting to feel more invested and wanted to know how he sees it. His response will tell you everything.

Don’t disappear silently. That only protects you short-term and leaves questions hanging. Asking calmly isn’t needy it’s grown. And if he can’t meet you there, that’s information, not rejection.

[Sally]

When someone says let’s just be friends because I’m not ready, it usually means they like you, but they’re overwhelmed and scared of adding something new right now. College starting is a big mental shift. That part is real. But it also means she’s choosing safety over momentum.

If you want any chance at a future, the move is not to push and not to hover. You accept what she said calmly, without arguing or trying to negotiate. Something like: I get it, I like you and I’m not in a rush, let’s see how things go. Then you actually give her space.

Don’t act like her buddy who’s always available. Be friendly, warm, but live your life. If she misses the romantic energy, she’ll feel it. If she doesn’t, that tells you something too.
You can’t force the timing. You can only show maturity and self-respect. That’s what keeps attraction alive.

[Sally]

You’re not a coward. Knowing someone since you were 13 changes things. Feelings like that don’t come out of nowhere, and they don’t disappear just because time passes or other people come and go. So don’t talk yourself out of what you feel. It’s real to you, and that matters.

But here’s the part you need to slow down on. He just came out of something painful. Being cheated on like that messes with a person’s head and heart. Even if he’s free now, he’s probably not ready. And if you rush in right when he’s raw, you risk being a rebound, not a choice.

You don’t need to confess undying love or make some big move. Just be present. Be kind. Be steady. Let him heal without you trying to save him or claim the moment.
If there’s something there, it won’t disappear because you didn’t rush. And if there isn’t, you protected your heart by not forcing it.
You’re not weak for caring. You’re learning when to move and when to wait.

[Sally]

A lie is when you knowingly give false information or intentionally deceive someone. What you’re describing is selective disclosure, not lying. You didn’t invent stories or deny things when asked you shared what you felt was relevant at the time and answered honestly when details came up later.

That said, from your boyfriend’s perspective, it can feel like lying if he believed “everything” meant every detail, no matter how small. So this isn’t really about truth vs. lies it’s about expectations and safety.

You’re allowed to have a past, and you’re allowed to decide what feels meaningful to share. No one is entitled to every detail of your sexual history. The problem only arises if the relationship turns into repeated interrogations where new details feel like surprises rather than context.

The healthiest way forward is to clarify this together: explain that you never meant to hide anything, only that you shared what mattered to you, and you’re being honest when asked. Trust grows when both people understand each other’s boundaries not when one person feels forced to relive their past over and over.

[Sally]

That guilt is there because part of you still knows this situation isn’t clean, no matter how real the feelings are.
What stands out to me is how your discomfort keeps getting minimized. Every time you try to slow things down or do what feels right to you, it turns into you being accused of not loving her enough. That’s not fair. Love shouldn’t require you to shut off your conscience just to prove it’s real.

You’re allowed to want her to choose her marriage ending on her own, without you in the middle of it. That doesn’t make you weak or less in love. It makes you human.
If the guilt hasn’t eased after a year, it probably isn’t going to. That feeling is trying to tell you something. I think you already know that.

[Sally]

What usually happens is the first few months are easy because you’re both on your best behavior. Then real life shows up. Habits, fears, old stuff you both carry. That’s often when fighting starts. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means something underneath isn’t being heard.
The part that worries me is you saying you’re doing everything you can to stop the fighting. One person can’t fix a two-person problem. If you’re trying harder and harder and it keeps getting worse, that’s not about effort anymore.
Ask yourself this quietly. When you’re not fighting, do you feel safe, calm, and respected? Or are you just waiting for the next blowup?
Love shouldn’t feel like constant damage control. If it does, it’s okay to question why.

[Sally]

What hurts the most here isn’t just that he cheated. It’s that he lied over and over, during some of the most vulnerable moments of your life. You changed your plans, held things together while he was gone, carried his child, and he was building a whole other relationship behind your back. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. It changes how you see everything.

And the part where you tested him? I know people will judge that, but honestly, it tells me how desperate you were for safety. You needed proof. And what you got wasn’t reassuring at all. Him inviting another woman to your house and then gaslighting you about it later is not someone taking responsibility. That’s someone avoiding it.

The way your body is reacting matters. The sick feeling. Not wanting to be touched. Being up all night replaying things. That’s your system saying it doesn’t feel safe yet. Forgiveness can’t be rushed, and it definitely can’t be demanded.

You’re not weak for wanting it to work. But love alone can’t fix broken trust, especially when the behavior keeps repeating. Leaving doesn’t mean you failed. Sometimes it just means you’re protecting yourself and your child. Whatever you choose, please don’t talk yourself out of how real this pain is. It makes sense.

[Sally]

Texting is safe. Calling you and asking you out isn’t. Right now he’s enjoying the connection, the attention, and the flirtiness without taking a risk. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, but it does mean he’s comfortable where things are.

You don’t need to play games or ignore him. And you don’t need to pressure him either. You can be clear. Something simple, like saying you enjoy talking to him but you’re not really looking for a texting friendship. That opens the door without pushing him through it.
If he wants more, he’ll step up. If he doesn’t, you’ll finally know. And honestly, clarity feels way better than guessing.

[Member]

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