[Sally]

You know you should marry someone when the core parts of life feel workable, not just loving. Love, kindness, and shared history matter, but marriage also locks in patterns around sex, money, and commitment. What you’re describing aren’t small issues they’re foundational.

On sex: going 5–8 months with no intimacy, especially when he’s young and not addressing it medically or emotionally, is a serious concern. This isn’t about mismatched libido anymore, it’s about avoidance. Marriage does not fix sexual disconnection it usually makes it harder to address. If this continues now, it’s very likely to continue after marriage.

On finances: you’ve been supportive, patient, and understanding but you’re carrying the responsibility. Wanting a partner who can stand on their own financially, especially with your health concerns and future children in mind, is not shallow or controlling. Marriage ties your financial futures together. Right now, you’re already acting like a safety net, not a teammate.

On the engagement ring: the ring itself isn’t the real issue. The issue is follow-through. You proposed. You committed. Years later, he hasn’t taken a tangible step that symbolizes his initiative. When someone wants to move forward, they find a way even if it’s small.

So here’s the honest answer: you’re not wondering when to marry him you’re wondering whether you should. And that question is coming from very valid signals. Before marriage, these three things need to be addressed directly and changed in action, not promises. If nothing shifts, marriage will likely amplify your doubts, not quiet them.

Marriage should feel like stepping into a shared future, not carrying someone forward and hoping they catch up.

[Sally]

The most important thing to understand is that at her age, safety and stability matter more than explanations. Right now, your boyfriend is protecting her emotional world by moving slowly, and that’s a good sign, not a bad one. You don’t need to suddenly switch from “friends” to “partners” in her eyes. That transition should be gradual and natural.

The first step is consistency. She needs to see you as someone who shows up regularly, is kind, and isn’t going anywhere. Keep building your relationship with her separately from your romantic relationship with him small things like shared routines, inside jokes, or activities just between you and her help a lot.
When it comes to affection, it’s okay to slowly introduce very mild, age-appropriate signs. Holding hands briefly, sitting next to each other, or a quick hug hello or goodbye are good starting points. No need for big displays children read comfort, not passion.

As for sleeping arrangements and moving in, that comes later and should be explained simply by her dad, not you. Something like, “Dad and [your name] care about each other and are a couple, just like some grown-ups are,” is enough. Kids don’t need details they need reassurance that they’re still the priority.
You don’t rush this by forcing understanding. You build it by letting her feel safe while your role gently shifts. If you keep moving at this pace, the jump from “friend” to “partner” won’t feel like a jump at all it’ll feel like the next obvious step.

[Sally]

I’m gonna be straight, but kind. You can’t heal him. And you can’t prove your way into being chosen. He likes you, he’s drawn to you, and what you have together is real but he’s still emotionally tied to his ex. Not because she’s better than you, but because chaos is familiar to him. It feels safer than risking something healthy.

Right now, you’re giving him comfort, affection, stability, and passion while he keeps one foot in his past. That’s why it hurts. You’re doing relationship-level things with someone who says he can’t have a relationship.

If you want to protect yourself, stop trying to save him. Let him feel what it’s like to lose access to you unless he shows up fully. Love isn’t something you earn by waiting quietly.
You’re not wrong for wanting him. Just don’t disappear trying to fix what isn’t yours to fix.

[Sally]

You’re 17, and what you’re feeling is normal. You met him in a very intense, romantic bubble holidays, family, nonstop time together. That kind of connection can feel huge very fast. But once real life kicks back in, your body is telling you something important: you don’t feel ready to settle into something serious.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t great. And it doesn’t mean you’re broken for not feeling happy. Sometimes someone can be kind, loving, and “perfect on paper,” and still not be right for where you are in life.

You don’t need to make a dramatic decision right now. You also don’t need to force yourself to feel more than you do. When he comes next month, don’t pretend or pressure yourself. Just notice how you feel when you’re actually with him. Do you feel lighter or more trapped?

Love at your age should feel curious and fun, not heavy or confusing. If it starts feeling like a role you have to play, that’s your answer.

[Sally]

She clearly likes you and feels close to you. People don’t spend that much time together, invite someone over constantly, and prioritize them unless there’s real attachment. That part is real.
What’s likely holding her back is that she just came out of a long relationship and isn’t ready to define anything new yet. Keeping physical distance helps her avoid crossing a line she’s not sure about.
Instead of trying to kiss her, the safest move is a simple, calm check-in. Say something like:
“I’ve started to feel more than just friends with you and wanted to see if you feel the same no pressure.”
That gives clarity without making work awkward and stops you from guessing.

[Sally]

She does want to meet. If she didn’t, she would have said she was busy or avoided the question. Saying “sure” is a yes.
When she says she’s boring and shy, that’s not her rejecting you. That’s her being nervous and lowering expectations so she doesn’t feel judged or awkward. A lot of shy people do that when they care and don’t want to mess things up.
You also helped by saying you didn’t need the whole lunch. That probably made her feel more comfortable and less pressured.
Go meet her. Keep it light, relaxed, and friendly. Don’t try to impress her or rush anything. Shy people open up when they feel safe, not when they feel pushed.

[Sally]

I’m going to be honest with you, but gently. Wanting him back doesn’t automatically mean he can come back. You ended the relationship because you didn’t feel safe or secure in it. That mattered then, and it still matters now. Missing him doesn’t erase the reasons you broke up.

What you’re seeing now his warmth when you show care, him saying you still matter doesn’t necessarily mean he wants the relationship again. It means there was real history and real affection. Those don’t just disappear. But affection is not the same as choosing to try again.

Right now, the more you push or try to convince him, the more he’ll pull away. If there’s any chance at all, it only comes from respecting that he says he’s moved on and giving him space to actually feel your absence.

Love doesn’t vanish overnight, that’s true. But love alone isn’t enough to rewind time. Focus on becoming calm, grounded, and okay on your own again. If he ever looks back, it’ll be because he sees strength not desperation.

I know that’s not the answer you want. But it’s the one that protects your heart.

[Sally]

The threesome itself isn’t the core issue the secrecy is. You crossed a boundary in your relationship, and now your body is giving you information that your current sex life isn’t fully satisfying you. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. But pretending nothing happened will slowly eat at you and leak out in other ways.
Telling your boyfriend about your needs without mentioning the threesome is possible, but only if you’re ready to be honest about what you want more of communication, variety, connection without comparing him to anyone else. If you keep the secret and keep seeing the couple, the distance between you and your boyfriend will grow fast.
Ask yourself this quietly: do you want to fix your relationship, or are you already stepping away from it? Your answer tells you what to do next. Whatever you choose, don’t live split in half. That’s the part that really hurts.

[Sally]

It’s normal to feel awkward about making friends online at first.
A good way to start is not by sending a friend request right away, but by interacting naturally. You can like a post, react to a story, or leave a simple, kind comment that relates to what they shared.
If messaging is open, keep it short and casual, like mentioning something you noticed on their profile. Don’t overexplain or come on too strong.
If they reply and seem interested, the conversation can grow from there. If they don’t respond or keep replies short, it’s best to stop and move on.
Making friends online works best when it’s slow, respectful, and relaxed. Just be yourself and let connections happen naturally.

[Sally]

There is a difference between loving who someone is and loving how a relationship actually works. Loving you as a person means he cares, admires you, and feels close to you. Loving the relationship means he also wants to carry the responsibility, effort, and growth that comes with being your partner. Both matter. One without the other can feel shaky over time.

Your values question is real too. Different cultures and class backgrounds shape how we see family, conflict, money, and commitment. Those gaps can be bridged, but only if both people are curious, not defensive.

Here are a few concrete things that help. Try a “life swap” talk once a week: one of you explains a real memory from childhood and how it shaped your beliefs, while the other only asks clarifying questions no fixing, no debating. Another is a values check-in: separately write what love looks like in action (time, money, loyalty, family), then compare notes. Not to agree just to understand.

If understanding grows, you’ll feel it. If it doesn’t, that tells you something too.

[Sally]

What you shared with him was real, but it was also very early. He didn’t say no because he didn’t feel anything he said no because he didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t actually hold up while you’re gone. That’s not cruel, it’s cautious.

Right now, you’re doing the thing a lot of us do when we’re afraid to lose someone trying to balance not chasing with not disappearing. That’s exhausting. If he wants to stay connected, he’ll reach out too. You don’t need to keep the spark alive all by yourself.

My advice is this: stop managing the situation. Let the contact be natural. If it fades, that tells you something. If it picks up again closer to your return, that tells you something too.
Strong connections don’t disappear in four months. But the ones that only live in the beginning glow usually can’t survive pressure. Let this breathe. You don’t have to decide anything right now.

[Sally]

A drop in sex drive doesn’t always mean a drop in attraction or love. A lot of people are more sexual in the early months because everything is new and exciting, and then their natural baseline shows up later. For some people especially as they get older sex just isn’t as central anymore. That doesn’t mean the first months were fake. It just means she may have been riding the “new relationship energy” and now she’s back to who she normally is.

The important part is how you feel. If sex is important to you, that matters just as much as her feelings. Loving someone doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Try talking to her again, not to convince her to want sex more, but to understand what intimacy looks like for her now and whether there’s a middle ground.

If your needs and hers don’t line up long-term, that doesn’t make either of you wrong just possibly mismatched. Clarity now is kinder than quiet frustration later.

[Sally]

This isn’t about competing with another woman like a game or proving you’re “better.” The goal is to make your relationship stronger so he naturally chooses you, not because you outperformed someone else.

Here’s the list but read it calmly.
First, stop talking about the other woman. Don’t complain, don’t ask questions about her, don’t compare yourself. The more you bring her up, the more space she takes up between you.

Second, pull your energy back just a bit. Not cold. Not distant. Just less available. People notice when they’re no longer the center of someone’s emotional world.
Third, bring lightness back. Laugh. Be playful. Be warm. Men reconnect through feeling good, not through serious talks or pressure.
Fourth, focus on your life. Friends, hobbies, confidence. Attraction grows when you look fulfilled, not worried.

Fifth and this is the hardest watch his actions. If he leans in, great. If he keeps choosing her attention, no list will fix that.
You can’t win someone who doesn’t want to be won. But you can stop chasing and see what’s really there.

[Sally]

Right now, he’s not asking to come back. He’s reaching out because you’re familiar, safe, and steady like asking you to wake him up. That doesn’t mean he wants the relationship again. It means he’s still emotionally leaning on you while trying to be alone. And that keeps you stuck.

What he said about feeling judged and unsupported mattered to him. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person it means the dynamic turned into pressure instead of partnership. That kind of damage doesn’t fix fast, even when love is still there.

Will he come back? Maybe. But waiting and decoding texts will only keep you hurting. If you want any real chance with him or anyone you need to stop being his emotional safety net. No contact only works if it’s real.

You didn’t lose everything. You lost something that needed two people growing at the same time. Take care of yourself now. That’s not giving up that’s grounding.

[Sally]

You are not in a partnership anymore. You’re in a caretaker role. You’re paying, cleaning, fixing, managing, apologizing, motivating, and absorbing his moods, while he gives you excuses, defensiveness, and blame. That’s why you’re resentful your body knows this isn’t fair.

His unemployment isn’t the real issue. Plenty of people struggle and still try. The real problem is that he has settled into being taken care of, and you’ve been slowly disappearing to make room for that. You’re sacrificing your health, your finances, and your future. And when you ask for basic respect like not smoking when you can’t breathe he calls you controlling. That’s not love. That’s avoidance and entitlement.

The most important thing you said is this: you already know you’re enabling him. And you’re right. Stopping the money won’t magically fix him, but continuing it will keep breaking you.

Love isn’t supposed to cost you your safety, your savings, and your sanity. I know you’ve both hurt each other in the past, but growth doesn’t mean paying forever for old mistakes. You’ve done the work. He hasn’t.
You’re not crazy for wanting more. You’re just finally listening to yourself.

[Member]

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