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April Masini.
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July 23, 2009 at 6:13 am #1102
confused63
ParticipantI was involved with a man for 5 yrs. During this time I dealt with all kinds of sitiuations that I should have let him go behind but because of the way I felt about him I overlooked these things.(Disappearing acts for extended periods of time etc..) I was reading some of the articles on the site and two of them pertain to what’s going on now.
The same man that I was sharing my bed with all this time turned out to be a theif. What I mean by this is I had given him some money for him to do something for my son and really having any good reason not to trust him with money(I’ve given him money before and he has always come through) and didn’t give it a second thought.
This took place in May. It is now July and haven’t seen him or heard from him since then. So without even second guessing myself I wrote him a very angry email(Yes I do know that this isn’t the best way to do things such as this, but when you have no other way then you have to do what you need to do).
I told him that under no kind of circumstances do I tolerate stealing and in my opinion this is what he has done being I haven’t heard a word from him. Stealing as far as I am concerned is one of the worst things some can do to another person more so if the person was nothing but good to the individual to stoop to such a level is a total deal breaker.
I still have’t gotten a response and it’s been 2 wks since I sent it. I have friends that tell me he will try to come back down the line after he feels I have cooled down from this last stunt he pulled with some sob story to tell me in the hopes of me feeling sorry for him.
I never want to see this man again. He did the grimiest thing someone good do and to be honest with you I believe in my heart that what other people have told me in regard to him trying to come back that he’ll try when he feels it’s safe to do so.
Would appreciate any thoughts you might have.
July 23, 2009 at 4:25 pm #9661April Masini
KeymasterYou’re absolutely right not to tolerate dishonest, immoral or illegal acts from [i]anyone[/i] in your life — but especially your boyfriend. I think that you should move on, now. No boyfriend should be borrowing money from a single mother, and I’d urge you not to lend men money as long as you have a minor child, from here on in. If you’ve got some extra money around, put it in a college savings account for your child.While five years is a long time for you to be with someone and not recognize these patterns earlier, or to do something about them, you’re not alone. Many men and women suddenly see things in their partners after even longer periods of time, and often, it isn’t that the other person changes — it’s that you’ve changed and you’re finally able to admit to yourself what’s going on.
I bet that in the past this guy has done similar things to you, but you’ve rationalized them away. For future, I bet (and hope) that you’ll be a lot more conscious of a boyfriend’s behavior and you’ll be a lot more self protective. It’s fine to feel romantic and lustful and all those feelings that sometimes and often distract us from real life — but you can’t afford to be distracted from real life! First of all, you’re a single mother, so you have to have even tighter filters for people who aren’t on the up and up. Second of all, you, yourself, deserve to have a man in your life who gives you more than just feelings — he has to have a compatible lifestyle and character in order to make the relationship work long term.
For now, I’d find a way to disengage from this guy emotionally, socially, physically and every other way. Start playing the field again, and look for someone who’s a lot more honest and has a stronger character. You’ll be much more appreciative and happy with yourself, and him.
July 23, 2009 at 7:00 pm #9664ParticipantThank you for your answer. I appreciate your advice. My thing is even though he did what he did I know that there will be a day when he decides to look me up again.
Why do people do this kind of horrible stuff and then try to go back to the same person they did it to?
July 23, 2009 at 10:01 pm #9666KeymasterBecause they can. People repeat patterns until someone stops the pattern. If you don’t, he won’t.
Instead of looking at him, look inward, and ask yourself why
[i]you[/i] continued to ignore or let go of situations that in hindsight, you shouldn’t have let go of. When you were ready to stop the pattern, you got out of the rut. What is it about this situation that made you change[i]your[/i] pattern of behavior? Why didn’t you do it before?It’s easy to blame him. It’s harder, but more productive, to see your part in it.
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