Love gf, sex-starved relationship

This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 14 years, 8 months ago by April Masini.

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December 1, 2010 at 1:17 pm #3367

chocochip
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I’m 27 and I’ve been with my girlfriend, 26, for almost 3 years. I love her, but there is a big lack of sex; averaging once a month or less ( we sleep together almost every night). In fact we never really had a lot. Every once in a while, we would have sex a couple times in a week or so, but after that, it was back to the same. We hold hands and cuddle and kiss, but that is about it.The sex isn’t bad, and she’s not cheating, but I’m not sure why her sex drive is so low. She does work a lot, and I know stress can affect libido, but this has been an issue our entire relationship, plus I believe couples should always find time for each other. I know I should probably say something, but I’m not sure how to word it or bring it up. I believe this lack of intimacy makes me feel less close to my gf, and I don’t think I can make a long term commitment to her. I’m not sure what to do. I’d appreciate any advice, because I know this should be brought up, but I don’t know how to go about it.

December 1, 2010 at 2:57 pm #16904

Sarajuana
Participant

I think you just need to talk to her, period. I think the most gentle way of going about it would be to sit down with her and tell her how much she means to you, BUT being physically intimate is something very important to you. Let her know you do enjoy when you have sex, you just wish it were a bit more often. She may not realize how important it is to you, and if you bring it to her attention then she will think about it more often. Maybe ask her what kind of things turn her on, and explore those things more often. I’m having issues with my boyfriend not being as intimate as I’d like him to be, and I have tried talking to him about it. We are about to have a baby, so I think he’s going through some things that maybe I don’t understand. But either way, it is affecting our relationship. I feel for ya, and the first thing you should always do is discuss it openly and honestly and then go from there. I’m no expert, but I hope it helps. Good luck to you!

December 1, 2010 at 8:45 pm #17115

April Masini
Keymaster

It’s definitely not the norm to have sex once a month at your age, but what’s interesting is that you write that it’s been like this for the three years you’ve been dating. It sounds like you’re ready to make a commitment to her — except for this issue, which is holding you back. Otherwise, I’d ask, why is this a problem now?

Since I surmise that you’ve played a part, if only by defaulting to this status quo, in your sex starved relationship, it’s time for you to step up to the plate and pitch in to make a change. Talking to her is probably going to put her on the defensive and create conflict. My suggestion is that you start creating scenarios where she may feel more conducive to relaxing (yes, stress kills libido!) and having sex with you.

Lots of times couples slack off in the romance and sex departments. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and set the stage! I’d advise you read Romantic Date Ideas, ~~[url]~~http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], a book I wrote with specific creative scenarios you can use and riff on to get the spark in the bedroom. In addition, you can amp up your romantic self, and take her away for a night or a weekend to get more intimate and private together. Send her flowers or a single rose. Let her know you find her sexy and want her. In other words, BE the guy who wants to take her to bed so she knows how sexy you are.

Let me know if that works, and what you think of the book — specifically, which scenarios and tricks work for you two.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook: ~~[url]~~http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

December 6, 2010 at 11:21 am #17111

desperate12
Participant

Maybe is the kind of birth control she is on. I know I had the shot and even though I would like to have sex, my drive was not good enough. Until I realize it was the hormones the shot came with. I switched to the pill and everything was back to normal!

December 8, 2010 at 8:31 pm #16313

April Masini
Keymaster

~~[b]~~desperate12[/b] brought up a great point — that you can resolve this problem pretty easily if it’s caused by some outside catalyst like birth control, for example!

Good luck on this one — let us know how things go!

And I’ll see you all @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: ~~[url]~~http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].
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