- This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by
April Masini.
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June 21, 2016 at 6:07 pm #7777
Bamf579
ParticipantI have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I thought in the beginning that things were wonderful. However, it seems that after we got married his trust issues came out. Looking back I think they were always there but I was too blind to see them. Recently, we had a huge fight (another one) and I left the house to cool down. When I came back he preceded to tell me that he has a porn addiction. He had been hiding this from me for our entire relationship. I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. He told me that he would go downstairs while I was doing schoolwork and look at porn. I feel like a fool. I have messed up in the past as well but nothing like this. I had flirted with another man and I know it was wrong and I admitted that. I thought we had worked through my mistake but he keeps bringing it up now when I try to talk to him about this situation. He has accused me (on almost a daily basis) of cheating on him. I have not. So looking back, I don’t think he ever trusted me. My trust for him is gone at this point. Without trust, there is no relationship. He wants to work it out and rebuild. I’ve told him that he needs to speak to someone and work on himself and I need to find clarity in my own mind first before we can even think about our relationship. He says we need to do it all together. I feel like I’ve been beat down over the years with all the accusations and this is another huge blow. I don’t know if I can rebuild trust for him. I don’t want to wait and see if the trust comes back. What if I am waiting 25 years and I still don’t trust him? Please help! June 22, 2016 at 10:36 am #34576April Masini
KeymasterYou’re right. It is difficult to rebuild trust. But it’s possible. When it works it’s because both people want to make things work. But if you don’t, or if you’re not sure, it’s going to be difficult at best. The problem here is that he didn’t reveal his whole self to you. He held back and he withheld information — while you were giving your whole self to him. In addition, you’re wondering what else isn’t as it seems because he wasn’t honest with you. My advice is to try and diffuse the emotions. It’s easy to get angry and to deflect the anger onto each other to avoid the truth — but it’s not productive. So try to get out of the anger business and figure out if he is someone you want to work things through with, or if you don’t think you can. Don’t rush into a decision, but don’t avoid the hard work you have to do. Ask him how he thinks you should best get over this — without any anger on your part, when you do ask. Ask him how he can help you stay? If he feels this is entirely your burden, then that’s a clue that you’re in this alone. Again. But if he is willing to work with you and be responsible for his part in this — which is going to be to explain to you why he withheld this information, and how, now that you know the answer, you’re expected to stay, and what he will do for you to keep you here. I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.
June 24, 2016 at 11:59 am #34604ParticipantIt is extremely difficult to rebuild trust. I have looked back at our relationship and I don’t feel that he has ever trusted me. So 5 years later, and he still doesn’t, I doubt that will change. I have tried to talk to him and let him know where I stand at this point and how this has been affecting me, however, blame seems to always fall back on me. He says he never looked at porn when we first got together but he started back 6 months after we were married. I asked him what changed and he couldn’t tell me. That leads me to think that it was something I did or didn’t do, so blame is on me yet again. He does have an appointment to talk to a professional about his situation so I am thankful for that (although I told him he needed to do that). I’m not sure if he is doing it because he wants help or because he knows it will make me feel slightly better. I’m just so confused, I feel I am not getting the information or actions that I need. June 27, 2016 at 10:58 am #34620KeymasterHis going to see a counselor is him taking care of his side of the street — or making an attempt to. You have to take care of your side of the street. He may or may not stop watching porn…. so now you have to decide if this is something you can live with, incorporate into your marriage, or if it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. There is also the parallel problem of his mistrusting you on what sounds like a chronic basis. You both have work to do — and time is your friend. You have to decide if you want to stay or go, and while you’re deciding, you have to decide what you can and can’t live with and what YOU are willing to change or not change in your own life. I hope that helps, and I wish you luck. I’m here if you have any more questions.
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