I’m writing to you for advice about a relationship gone awry. I’m a 25 year old Canadian working and living abroad in England – last year I met a girl and we really hit it off. We had a ton of things in common, and had lots of fun discovering our differences as well. We spent time together on weekends, as I have busy weekdays.

As our relationship grew, we started wondering what was going to happen in the future. I started applying for new jobs and managed to land another contract in England for the year after. She was thrilled and so was I. This was 6 months in.

I knew I was in love with her, but I had been hurt in the past by a previous relationship. I decided to wait for her to tell me she loved me first. There were lots of moments we were together where I knew if I said it she would say it right back to me, but I turned it into a dumb waiting game.

Those words never came.

When the school summer holidays rolled around, we spent lots of time together and then I had to go back to Canada for 3 weeks. We had been together for 9 months at this point, and I was looking forward to a new year together when I got back in September to start work again.

During the time away, we skyped a few times but for the first time ever I felt very awkward talking to her. I suppose it was just a different experience not being beside her, not having recent shared experiences, etc. She also expressed to me she always feels awkward with skype, and that it was nothing to worry about. I was regretting my decision to come home for so long.

She got a new job, and with that came the stress of having to commute each day, managing finances, etc. When I got back to England, we kept seeing each other on weekends, and we kind of fell into a routine. We were both trying to juggle new friends, new jobs, as well as spending time with each other.

I made a few mistakes along the way – I got drunk one night and she told me the morning after that my behaviour reminded her of her ex boyfriend, who was abusive to her. I was not abusive to her at all, but when I tried to defend myself by saying things like “you know I’m not normally like that” “I won’t let it happen again” she said those were the exact same things he said to her. I was upset at myself for causing her to be upset, but I also felt hurt that she thought I was like him in some way.

Then we made a decision to book a holiday together for the next school break, at the end of October. We booked a 5 day trip, and we were both looking forward to it. It was our 4th trip together.

In hindsight, it was a poor decision and poor timing. She was stressed out with her job and I was stressed out with mine, and I think we both would have benefited from just having a quiet week at home.

The first day of the trip, I arrived at her house because her parents offered to drive us to the airport. I could immediately tell that she was not happy to see me, and something was wrong. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she wouldn’t say anything. She was being very distant, quiet, moody, etc. I tried to lighten the mood by asking things like, oh it’s because you have to spend SO much time with me, isn’t it? She would laugh and agree, but then go back to being quiet.

That night, when we arrived at our hostel room, she cried when I tried to be affectionate towards her. She just huddled on the couch and I couldn’t get her to tell me what was wrong at all. I was really sad because I did not want to see her like this, and I also felt like this trip was turning into a disaster, and I also felt like it was MY fault that she was upset. We went to sleep eventually.

The next morning, I got out of bed and sat on the couch to think. She asked me why I was there, but now her tone of voice was entirely different from the day before. This was the tone of voice I was used to, caring, concerned. Later on she opened up to me and told me that real life was just stressing her out, and that she has an issue of taking it out on people around her. I said that was alright, and I expressed that I was upset because I felt like I had done something wrong. She assured me no. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head, though.

The trip got better day by day, and we kept laughing together and exploring the cities we were in. However there was this aura of weirdness that I just couldn’t shake. A couple more times I asked her again, are you sure it’s nothing I’ve done? And she always assured me no, but sometimes she would tear up a little.

We got home after the trip, and the next week I surprised her with a couple gifts for our 1 year anniversary. She started crying and then eventually told me she didn’t feel like it was working for her anymore. I told her that I wanted to work on our relationship, and she said she felt like there was nothing to work on because I hadn’t explicitly done anything wrong, and that I was always thoughtful and kind, etc. The whole year, we hadn’t gotten into any fights or arguments, and I was so utterly sad that she didn’t want to work on it. She also brought up the fact that we didn’t talk about the future (ie: moving to Canada or staying in England) and she didn’t like the idea of heading off into the unknown, and didn’t want to feel like she was forcing me to stay.

In the past, I’ve tried to hold onto dying relationships and it’s just caused me more grief. I told her, ok, I’m not going to try to change your mind, because I respect your decision and thinking. I told her that she had made the past year a really happy one for me, and that I was thankful for the time we had together. She agreed and said she was too, and we hugged goodbye and I walked away. She was bawling and I hadn’t cried at all because she told me not to be sad.

I tried to move on, get myself more involved with friends and hobbies and work. At first I kept asking myself, “why am I here?” as I felt like I had stayed in England just for her. However, I started getting more in touch with my colleagues and hanging out more with friends and I came to realize that I actually could stay in England for the foreseeable future, even without that relationship.

2 months after the breakup (1 week ago), she contacted me out of the blue, when we hadn’t spoken to each other at all. She asked if I wanted her to drop off something she found at her house that belonged to me, and I said ok, so we set up a time.

I invited her in for coffee and we chatted and laughed and caught up like old times. I dropped the hint that people had been asking me about staying in England and I had decided to do so. After 45 mins of talking, she got a little awkward and told me that she was hoping we could still go out for coffee and drinks, as friends. I was surprised, and also unsure what to say.

I thought about it for a minute, and hesitantly said, yes, I think I would like that. We parted ways and she said see you soon.

I’m struggling with this, because I know it’s a bad idea. My feelings for her have not changed, and I am still 100% open to the idea of working on our relationship. I’m confused why she would want to be friends, when she felt like things didn’t feel right? Why would she want to spend time with me at all now? Why would she contact me?

After she got in touch with me, I started having dreams about her again, I started thinking about her again. I thought I had moved on, but now… I have to consciously push thoughts of her out of my mind.

I regret never telling her how in love with her I was. I know there’ll be other women, and I’ve tried to move on with my life, but we were utterly compatible and in love. We had talked about the future, and we both agreed that before marrying someone we’d want to live with them for several years. I think spilling my heart out to her now would be pointless, when it seems like she’s moved on and doesn’t want to be more than friends. Is there any hope in reviving this relationship? I feel like the issue we had was communicating honestly and openly (we were both fairly guarded at times).

Please tell me your thoughts, I would really appreciate them.