[abcd09]

Me and my ex boyfriend now had been friends for about 8 years. For most of those 8 years we have talked almost everyday and he has become my best friend. During the first years that I have known him he had dated other people and I had dated other people but there was always something there between us. 3 and a half years ago we started dating officially and we had our ups and downs but we always worked everything out and grew stronger. We compliment each other very well and we truly love each other and I believe we always will. I had believed for the longest time this was the guy I would marry one day.

Well about 4 months ago I told him I needed my space to figure out my life and so that he could figure out his life, but I did tell him I wanted us to be together in the end. And we kept in contact and spoke everyday. In reality, I needed time to come to terms with issues in my own life before I could make a lifetime commitment to him. The idea of marriage was scary to me because of my own parents relationship and the struggles I saw them go through before their divorce. To be honest I did not know if I was ready and I wanted to make sure because I did not want to be like them. A few months before I told him I needed my space and broke up with him I shut my self down and put no effort into the relationship. And I know the reason I shut down is because the topic of marriage kept coming up and I felt scared. He had told me that he wanted to marry me and this past month told me he had been saving up for the ring. It is really hard to explain the issues that have contributed to my insecurities in regards to marriage without writing a whole book, but various family issues starting in my childhood have been the cause. But during the time that we had been broken up I was figuring things out and I realized a lot – what is important to me in my life, that I shouldn’t be scared of love and commitment because of other peoples experiences, and most of all even though I already knew before, I realized that this guy was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one I wanted to start a family with and devote our lives to each other.

Well, to back up when we did break up he was completely heartbroken. When I finally told him how I felt a month ago and what I wanted he told me how bad he was still hurting and that he had thought I was never coming back. Well it turned out that because of that reason he was trying to get over me and had started hanging out with someone else before I told him how I felt. And when I told him he felt confused and like it was unfair that I was doing this to him because I broke his heart. To be honest I can’t be mad at him for trying to move on because I probably would have done the same. Well, after about a month of talking and discussing our feelings we were going to get back together. We both told each other how we felt about everything and we were both ready to be together.

However, there was something from my past that I had not told him and I knew that if we really wanted to be together and be married one day like we said we did I had to tell him. I told him I wanted us to have complete honesty with each other and get everything out on the table so we could put it behind us and focus on our relationship, our love and our future together. So I told him the only thing he did not know about me. When I was in college before we were together, someone else slept with me. The details of this I don’t like to discuss, but I did talk to a nurse about it after I told him and explained what had happened that night and she told me that I was date raped, and that it was not my fault because that is exactly what that was. I hate to use that word because I like to take responsibility for things and to be honest its just hard to say or think of and I felt like it was my fault. After that incident occurred I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Throughout me and my boyfriends three year relationship he had asked me if I ever slept with anyone else and I told him no. And in my mind and heart I never have and I never want to with anyone else. I could never come to terms with that situation and I was hoping I could forget it all together, but I also felt like it would eat away at me if I didn’t ever tell him. So I told him. I tried to explain but I honestly do not think he listened he said he didn’t want to speak to me ever again. Eventually later that night he did talk to me about it and listened to what happened and said that he felt bad and sick that it happened to me. He was crying and said he had thrown up several times because it made him sick. But he also was very mad at me because I waited 3 years to tell him. I don’t want to justify why I did not tell him but I had my reasons. I didn’t want to lose him first of all and second of all it was something from my past that I personally wanted to forget and something I was ashamed and embarrassed to discuss. And as time went on I just didn’t know how to tell him or how to bring it up or when was the right time. Now he is very mad and upset with me because I lied to him about it for all this time. He said that this is the one thing in the the world that would break him as a man, he is mad at me for putting myself in a situation where that could happen, and he is mad that I told him he was the only one, and because of this he thinks everything was just a lie. I feel terrible about it to begin with but now I am completely heartbroken on top of it and I don’t know what to do. I know I lied about it, but it wasn’t something that was easy for me to talk about and I finally got the courage to tell him because I wanted that man I would marry to know and understand and I wanted us to have no secrets. It probably sounds silly to say, but I still believe that he is the only one and consider him the only one that I slept with because he is the only one I ever made love to. What happened to me was not that. And I just wish it never happened. And I wish that he could understand and forgive me for not telling him before. I know I hurt him and that it will take time, but I just don’t know what to do because I really do believe that we are meant to be and I love him with all of my heart. I can honestly not picture my life without him.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

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